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‘So, um, maybe we can grab coffee sometime…?’

Really?
…coffee…? 

Do I speak for all girls when I ask: WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?!

I had a guy friend approach me recently and say something along these lines:
‘So, Debbie… I read your blog the other night. My question is this: how come, when you ask a girl out for coffee, she freaks out and doesn’t want to go because she thinks that coffee means that you want to marry her or something?’

Ohhh, the ‘coffee date’. Or… is it a ‘date’ at all?
And this is where the problem arises.

We sat and talked for a while about all the miscommunications that occur in the asking of girls out for coffee. While I could understand his side, I couldn’t necessarily appreciate it. The more we talked, the more I felt like he was only giving me fuel for my argument on why I think the coffee gesture is a terrible idea (not to mention this slightly spineless attempt to let a girl know that you’re interested in her…).

He insisted that, ‘The coffee is a way of getting to know a girl you’re interested in without scaring her off by asking her out on a date.’

My problem with this is that the girl usually has no idea what the guy’s intentions actually are. While in some guy’s minds it might be ‘universal knowledge’ that the coffee clearly means that he’s interested, there’s a whole other batch of men who mean nothing when they ask a girl to grab coffee with them. Yet, somehow we are supposed to be able to differentiate between the two and know which kind of guy we are dealing with? Impossible.

Sometimes coffee is just coffee…and sometimes coffee has a lot more meaning to it. Perhaps I’m the only one who likes to know just exactly what I’m agreeing to before I agree to it, but I don’t really think I am. It seems that the times I agree to coffee, hoping that coffee means more… it doesn’t, and the times that I turn down the offer because I’m fearful that it means more, it just means friendship. I clearly haven’t figured it out.

Feeling a bit more enlightened by the conversation with my friend, I was eager to hear some other guys’ perspectives of the ‘coffee date’. I was relieved when one guy basically said, ‘Asking for coffee is like asking for a date while minimizing the risk of rejection.’

Exactly.
That’s exactly what I was trying to get at.
Guys ask these girls out for coffee to try and get to know them better. While perhaps their intentions aren’t necessarily harmful, there tends to be this aspect of cowardice about it to me. If you’re interested in me, let me know… ask me out. But don’t ask me to coffee, because I don’t know what the heck that means. It puts me through emotional turmoil as I over-analyze just what you might mean by coffee.

And, if you just want to get to know me as a friend…? Let it happen naturally. Let’s hang out in group settings and, when we run into each other occasionally, let’s stop and talk… but if you choose to be intentional about your friendship with me by bringing coffee into the picture? I just might get the wrong idea.

Because, I don’t know what coffee means.
I think there’s a whole slew of women who don’t know what it means, either.

Sure, coffee may be non-threatening and it might be an ‘on-ramp’ (as one guy friend so eloquently put it) for dating… but it just seems like an unnecessary, confusing step to me.

So, for all of you guys out there who only mean it to be a friend thing when you ask a girl to grab coffee–I’m sorry. It’s almost always going to cause her to question what your intentions are (unless you’ve already been super straight forward with her, or you have a history of friendship to where you both undoubtedly know that coffee is just coffee).

And, for all of you guys out there who think it’s obvious that a girl should know that you’re somewhat interested in her when you ask her to grab coffee–I’m sorry. We don’t know. We might hope that’s what you mean, but we certainly don’t know. You’ll need to spell it out for us. There are too many guys in our lives that have asked us out for coffee who haven’t meant anything by it…and so we will not be quick to assume incorrectly again. Or, on the flip side, we will also be hesitant to assume that it’s just a friend thing. If we are not interested, we may reject the coffee because we’re terrified that the coffee actually might mean something more on your end when we aren’t feeling it on our end.

Ohhh, the coffee date. It’s a terrible thing.
But, I suppose it’s redeemable if you’re just honest and upfront about what coffee means from the beginning. After all, you may just want coffee.
And sometimes coffee is just coffee.
But, sometimes coffee is quite a bit more than coffee.
(And yes, the same principles actually do apply for all things comparable to coffee… like tea, or ice cream, or a walk down the beach…….)

You basically just need to know that when you’re unclear about your intentions and you’re asking to spend one-on-one time with us, it gets confusing.

The end.

The comment:

What do you do if a really nice guy confesses his love for you, but you just don’t feel the same way? How do you let him down easy? I know honesty is the best policy but I don’t want to hurt his feelings because he is such a nice guy, and deserves a great girl. I just don’t want to lead him on.

This is the worst. I mean, seriously… the worst.
In this situation, you’re usually stuck in a place where nothing you say feels like a good enough reason to not reciprocate the interest. They’re nice. Like…incredibly nice.

My aunt once pulled me aside after I introduced her to a nice guy who had expressed interest in me and whispered in my ear, ‘The nice ones don’t come along very often… don’t let him go.’

I might have panicked a little. Should I date him because he’s nice? Is she right? Am I going to let this nice guy go and then not meet another one for ten more years? I began asking myself what matters most in terms of character. The more I thought about it…the more I thought about what it would be like to be partnered with a man through life as I have kids, as I get sick, as I am moody, as I am crazy… and the more I realized that ‘nice’ should be pretty high up there on the list. Genuinely nice… not just fake nice.

But as time wore on, I just knew I couldn’t do it. Nice wasn’t a good enough characteristic to make up for things that were lacking. Nice didn’t mean that I could forgo all the other things that I cared about. Nice didn’t generate attraction. I didn’t really feel like convincing myself to date someone was really the best way to enter into a relationship.

So here’s the tricky part, the question that you asked… how do you let the really nice guy down easy?

Shoot.
It’s the worst.
Honesty is the best policy. And so, I think you have to be willing to tell him exactly what you told me. On some level, any time you tell a guy you’re not into him, it’s just going to be hard and awkward and uncomfortable. Unfortunately, telling the nice guy that you’re not into him is even harder because he’s only been kind to you.

Here are some thoughts to make the unbearable a little more bearable:

• Nice guys deserve the truth…especially if they’ve only been kind to you. The nice thing for you to do is to be honest with him and upfront with him. I’m not saying that you need to tell him every detail of why you’re not interested in him, but if you know you’re not interested in him…. you need to tell him as soon as you can. No delaying. Be kind to him through not leading him on any more than you probably already have. Make sure you don’t leave room for there to be any alternative… (i.e. don’t say things like, ‘I just don’t think it’s going to work out right now…‘ the right now leaves room for future possibilities). 
• Encourage him. If you appreciated the way that he pursued you and showed interest in you, be sure to let him know. Make sure he knows that you really do think he’s incredible and that you felt really honored in the way that he went about asking you out. Be sure to let him know of the specific ways that were especially great so he can at least take those things on with him when he meets other great girls that he’s interested in. He may feel, in the rejection, that his approach was all wrong, so you definitely need to encourage him to keep doing what he was doing… you’re just not the right one to be the recipient of his affections. 
• Give him space. Since he’s a nice guy, you probably enjoy being his friend. So, as cliche as it sounds, I think it’s okay to give him room to continue to be your friend if he wants to. But, also be respectful that he may not want to and maintaining a friendship with him may be harder for him than it is beneficial to him. Be willing to talk about this with him if he’s up for it.  
• Don’t initiate. In giving him space and offering your friendship on his terms, you’ll need to back off. Let him communicate with you when he wants to and when he’s ready to. He may need time…he may never even want to. Be kind when you see him and when you hear from him, but let him approach you. At least for a while. You mostly just want to avoid doing/saying anything that could send him the opposite message of ‘I’m not interested…’. 
• Don’t tell all your friends. If there’s anything worse for a guy than rejection, it’s being rejected when everyone else knows about it. There’s no need to ask all of your friends for advice if you know you’re not interested. Help keep his pride in tact by not spreading rumors or talking about the situation. 

He turned and looked.

In arguably one of the most intense betrayal scenes in history, Jesus turns and looks at Peter after he denies him the third time.

Can you imagine?

“I do not know Him…,” Peter muttered. “I am not one of them,” he insisted. “I do not know what you are talking about!”

He pleads ignorance. He denies his role among one of Jesus’ elite crew. He denies even knowing Him.

And Jesus turns and looks at him.

Can you imagine?

I wondered what His eyes held in that look. Was hurt etched upon them? Was there, even in the pain, still an understanding, a compassion, a love for Peter?

A pastor recently hi-lighted this scene for me, and as I sat in the service, I felt heavy tears stinging at the back of my eyes. Because I, ashamedly, understood Peter’s betrayal. I knew the many times that I had pleaded my own ignorance, I knew the many times I had not wanted to be considered one of Jesus’ elite crew because it didn’t feel ‘cool’, I knew the times I had denied knowing Christ through my actions and words…directly going against the very things that I knew the Lord was asking me to do.

Perhaps my words weren’t as blatant of a denial as Peter’s, at least not audibly. But there have been many times where I’ve thought, ‘I don’t care what You say, God. I’m going to do this my way. I’m going to live in this sin. I’m going to choose evil over good… at least this time.’ 

And He turns and looks…
And then He goes to the cross, and He dies for me… for my sin. His blood is spilt, His body broken.

Peter’s response is not foreign to my own. He goes and he weeps bitterly.

I don’t understand it.
I don’t understand why He would ever endure what He did for us. But, I know that He did. I know that in Him death is conquered, that there is victory, that there is hope, that there is redemption.

I know that He has chosen me, even when I don’t always choose Him.
And I fall flat on my face, humbled because of His choice… weeping bitterly.

But the story doesn’t end here. It doesn’t stop with betrayal and death and hopelessness.

There’s much to celebrate today as the resurrected King calls us to something greater, as He calls us out of the darkness of our betrayals and our sins…because in Him we have new life. Every time.

There’s hope. Even for the worst of us.
Rejoice–because Christ the Lord is risen today!

Let it mean something to you.
And when He turns to look at you, even in your darkest moments… I pray that you would look back, that you wouldn’t run, that you wouldn’t hide, that you wouldn’t despair, that you wouldn’t turn away.

He has more for you than the betrayals and the sin that we so easily get entangled in.
Live in the hope… in the joy of your salvation. And let your life be changed as you look at an empty tomb that reminds you that death couldn’t defeat Him and neither can your own darkness. He has paid the price.

It is finished.
Rejoice!
Turn and look… for He has risen.

He has risen, indeed.

I have a hard time making good girl friends.

I could blame it on a number of things (like the fact that I grew up with three older brothers, or that I’d much rather do sporty/outdoorsy things than get my nails done)…but, I think there are quite a few girls out there that share my sentiments who would rather get their nails done and who have no brothers. I kind of think it’s a challenge that many a girl encounters in life, in one season or another. I am not the exception.

So what is it that’s so challenging about female friendship?

I kind of think that on some level, most girls are territorial, jealous, or easily threatened (or maybe all three). I’m noticing it now more than ever since I’ve just moved to a new location and am attempting to make friends with people. There’s a difference in entering into something all at once with a group of people vs. entering into something when almost everyone else has already been there for a while. Lots of times girls already have good friends and they aren’t really looking for more.

Suddenly I’m walking into scenarios where I immediately feel as though I’ve just invaded a private dinner party, even though I had an invitation to attend. Why? Mostly because of the women. I can almost feel them sizing me up. If my appearance doesn’t already condemn me (for one reason or another), there then becomes many a different area in which we shall now be competing, regardless of if I’m even aware of it or not.

I’ve just entered into a den where a lionness is determined to protect what belongs to her. This is her scene and her friends (especially the guys, in case I was thinking about getting any funny ideas…). Okay, it’s not usually that extreme, but I can definitely pick up vibes when I’m not necessarily wanted. Tolerated? Sure. But not wanted…at least by the majority of the girls. There are, of course, the obligatory questions that the ladies ask in order to appear somewhat interested in getting to know you (or at least in order to not be completely rude to the new person on the scene).

I know that I’m most likely reading into things…but I also know that many of you ladies know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s hard to get to know other women, especially when you feel like you’re invading their space. Why would they want to be friends with a new girl who could potentially change the dynamic of what they’ve grown accustomed to? Why would they want to be friends with a new girl who could potentially become decent friends with the guy that they’ve been interested in for years? Who wouldn’t feel somewhat threatened by that?

I get it.
I, shamefully, have probably made other girls feel this way, even if it was unintentional. It’s inexcusable to me now. (I’m so sorry if you’re reading this and I’ve ever made you feel like this…)

Instead of being driven by a desire to know people and to care for them deeply, I’ve often been more concerned with maintaining my comfort zone and having everything (and everyone) around me precisely the way I wanted. Because….what if a new girl came in was better than me at sports, or writing, or connecting with other people, or discipleship, or having fun, or being adventurous, or being funny, or being laid back, or being a Christian? What if other people liked her more than me?

I think the threat of the new girl makes us feel as though our current relationships will change and we will soon be substituted for her and it causes us to panic. Immediately we feel replaceable and that our friends will start choosing her over us.

Sometimes our natural response to a new girl coming into our scene reveals just how insecure we really are…

Fortunately, I’ve met a few ladies who have welcomed me in with open arms and made me feel very included in their lives and other friendships (with guys and girls alike). The differences in these interactions have caused me to recognize how cold and unwelcoming territorial, jealous and easily threatened women can be. It’s caused me to be aware of how cold I can be to other women, even when I’m the new one.

It’s a good wake-up call for me.

The female friendship is tricky to navigate and I think it takes time. Time to sort through all the issues that arise when you’re still getting a feel for the other person. But, I think that both sides need to be willing to make an effort. I think the new person needs to be proactive in pursuing friendships and not getting sucked into believing that everything she thinks everyone is thinking about her is actually what they are thinking about her. Oftentimes it can be misconstrued out of insecurity or simply not knowing the other women well enough yet. I think she needs keep trying, even when people seem too busy or that they already have a lot of friends.

I think the old person needs to be proactive in making new people feel welcomed, in engaging in meaningful conversations, in inviting the new girl to future activities/gatherings (shoot, if you don’t, it may very well end up being your good guy friend extending the pity invite to the new girl because no girls want to be her friend…don’t you love the ‘ol backfire?). Maybe she will change things for you a little, but maybe that’s okay…maybe you’ll be surprised by the friend you gain in being willing to give a new girl a chance.

I know I’ve been abundantly blessed by the women who were willing to give this new girl a chance. I know I’ve been continually impressed by their maturity and their desire to include me and not exist in a world where they let the fear of their current relationships changing threaten them.

Reach out to the new girl.
She’s not intentionally out to get you, or to be better at you than everything, or to steal your guy friends, or your best female friend away from you. She’s, more than likely, just wanting a friend…wanting to find people to connect to that she has things in common with. Give her a chance. Don’t allow your selfishness, your controlling nature, your jealousy or your fears to get in the way of loving her well.

And yes, I’m willing (and need) to take my own advice.
Female friendships can be really, really beautiful things. I’ve come along way in the last ten years of allowing them into my life and understanding the importance of them. You, as a woman, need them…and don’t try to convince yourself that you don’t.

Let’s be people who love others well (regardless of their gender). And I think we may be a bit surprised when we are willing to love those women who we feel most threatened by and most jealous of.

Ahh… the lessons of life…

I wouldn’t ever claim to have a ‘savior’s complex’, but sometimes I probably think I need to save people (as if I ever could…). Sometimes I think, even more than that, that I need to protect them.

I wouldn’t necessarily go down in history as the worst person in all mankind, but I’m certainly not the best. I’ve had my fair share of crazy antics and made many a mistake, not to mention the heartaches that stem from broken trust, betrayal and general feelings of rejection. Sometimes I’m oblivious to the wounds that I still carry and sometimes I’m acutely aware of them.

The times I’m most aware of them are the times when I’m contemplating entering into another relationship. There have been a few guys in my life who I’ve encountered that had never really dated anyone prior to me and that fact alone caused me to halt.

Hold up…
Because, while I’m bringing in all of this junk… your slate is clean?
While I’ve kissed more guys than I’d ever care to admit, you’ve never kissed anyone?
While I’ve been heartbroken a countless number of times, you’ve never really been hurt?

I don’t think you can handle this.
(Destiny’s Child’s lyrics to Bootylicious are bouncing around in my heard right now in a completely different context, of course).

My most recent encounter with such a guy involved a lot of fear and a desire to protect his pure-ish heart from all the of gross plaque on my heart, especially as we discussed the possibilities of a relationship. I didn’t want my past, my hurts, my broken experiences to play such a fatalistic role in romantic comedy where the other lead is full of optimism and joy. Where he saw opportunity and hope, I only saw hurt and despair.

I hurt people. All I have to offer you right now is broken trust and jaded views on how relationships ought to be. You don’t deserve that….
I couldn’t bear the thought of stripping such an innocent soul of its goodness and pureness…and that result felt quite inevitable.

His words surprised me: You don’t have to protect me. I know the risk involved. I can handle it.

I didn’t believe him instantaneously… but, somewhere within me, I knew he was right. Not only did I not have to protect him, but I couldn’t protect him. It wasn’t my job. And, despite his experience or inexperience with relationships, he did know heartbreak…he did know rejection…he did know loss. Who was I to declare our different pasts to be a point of incompatibility? Who was I to decide that my pain and my tragedies were somehow worse than his, regardless of how and with whom they played out? Who was I to think that my sin and my brokenness were too unbearable for anyone else to tolerate?

Not too long ago I was talking to a girl who mentioned something similar: “I just feel like I’ve dated a lot and he really hasn’t…and I just don’t know if he can really handle all the stuff in my past.” And, too often, I fear that we truly believe that and so we don’t disclose important parts of our pasts as we enter into relationships. We think we’ll tell them eventually. Or, we close ourselves off entirely from ever dating the person because we’ve convinced ourselves that we are too much for them in way or another.

Bad idea.
Wrong idea.

He can handle it. He probably wants to handle it… so maybe you should let him. Maybe it’ll be a lot for him to soak in at first, maybe you’ll need to give him time, and maybe it’ll end up being too much. Regardless, he’ll know. And he’ll appreciate and value the honesty. And it’s okay.

If there’s anything I’m sure of, it’s that honesty is vital in relationships. I’m not saying that you should go tell the guy that you’ve been on one date with every dark corner of your past… but I am saying that when he asks, you should tell him. I am saying that when you feel like you should tell him, you probably should. I am saying that it’s not your job to keep certain things from him because it would be too hard for him to know those things….I think he’s more than capable of deciding that for himself.

Full-disclosure when it’s the right time. I’m a fan.
Don’t avoid something good because you’re scared he can’t handle you and all your junk. Let him decide, okay?

You don’t have to protect him.

Dear Jimmy,

So, that’s not actually your real name and I don’t even know you… but I heard about some text messages you’ve been sending to one of my friends, and, well… we need to talk.

I imagine that you’re sending these particular text messages because you’re a little shy or insecure and you’re trying to get a feel for if this girl would even give you a shot? It’s understandable. We live in a time where it’s become very easy to minimize risk as we try to put our heart out there… a time when we are able to take much precaution as we face possible rejection. It’s usually easier to take small, risky steps than it is to take a giant leap. I get it.

So, you ask her to be your friend on Facebook. She accepts. Things are feeling good, huh? While you might be aware of her every move on the social networking site, you gotta play it cool. Only ‘like’ things, or write on her wall every so often… if you do it excessively, you’ll most likely look too desperate. See if she responds back to your comments. If she does, it seems safe to take the next step. You might instigate a Facebook chat… which eventually leads into suggestions for group hangouts (those are always safe, right?) meaning you’ll need her number.

Okay, okay… so I don’t know exactly how it all played out and maybe you exchanged numbers under the guise of friendship without any of the romantic feelings even being there from the beginning. Maybe they’ve slowly developed over time and you already have this basis of a friendship established and so moving out of the ‘friend’ zone feels a bit tricky.

No matter how it happened you now have her number for one reason or another. Here are a few tips on what to avoid if you truly want to capture the heart of the lady you are most certainly interested in:

• DON’T hypothetically ask her out over text messages, Facebook messages, emails. Don’t put ‘feelers’ out there just so you can get a better idea of what she’s going to say if you do decide you want to ask her out. Not only does this make you appear as though you’re not sure if you’re even interested, but it sends a thousand different messages to the female which puts her in utter turmoil until you clear the air (if you ever even do). 
• DON’T ask her out over text messages, Facebook messages, emails. It’s a big deal for you to ask a girl out, I get that… so, make it a big deal. Do it in person, if you can. You can even call her (I mean, you already have her phone number). It’s important for her to know that you’re making an effort, going out of your way, taking a risk and putting yourself out there. Don’t let yourself just ‘happen’ into a date–be intentional about it. Plus, things always get misinterpreted and confusing over these forms of communication. You don’t want her thinking that you’re kidding when you’re not or, for your sake, having to wait to hear back from her for a response! 
• DON’T make her take the risk first. I believe your exact texts were, ‘So are we ever gonna go see a movie?… Would you want to go with just us?…Wouldn’t that be a date?’ By asking her those question, you’re making her take the risk first, which most girls aren’t inclined to do. In her head she’s now thinking…’Well, if I tell him I that I do want it to be just the two of us, he might think that’s too forward or he might have completely other intentions… and if I don’t tell him that, then I may miss out on an opportunity to be alone with him…’. Utter turmoil. Man up. Tell her your intentions. Tell her that you want to take her out on a date, just the two of you. Tell her that you’d like to get to know her better. And then let her respond. 
• DON’T be afraid of romance. Despite what some girls (like me…) say about how they hate romantic gestures, little things can go a long way. I don’t necessarily mean expensive jewelry or a radio over the head outside my window type of gesture (at least not initially), but almost every girl loves feeling doted upon. Make her feel special in some way. It’s risky, yes… but, it’s only going to help your chances of scoring the date. Write a note, say kind things, give her a little something that you know she’ll appreciate that lets her know that you were thinking of her. You can actually probably tell from her response to this gesture if she’d even want to go on a date with you. 

‘Jesus, I love You.’ 

It felt strange for the words to come out of my mouth, but maybe even stranger that it felt strange at all. I couldn’t remember the last time I had uttered them, honestly.

Sure, there’s been the ‘ol, “Jesus we love you” moments in praying out loud with others…. but I hadn’t made it personal to just me in a long while. At least not audibly.

As soon as they came out, I immediately wondered, ‘Do I…?’

I don’t really use the word ‘love’ a whole lot…unless I’m talking about food, of course. When it comes to people, it’s a scarcity in my vocabulary. I want it to mean something, I want it to be significant. I want it to be believed by the recipient that I mean what I say and that I’m willing to back it up with my actions.

Loving others is a big deal. They can never be just words… but there are always actions required. Actions that require selflessness, and sacrifice, and patience, and kindness, and perseverance, and hope when things feel hopeless, and trust, and not keeping track of all the crappy things. It’s hard…and, to be honest, I’m not sure I’m even capable of it on my own.

So, if loving others is that big of a deal… when I tell Jesus I love Him…what does that make me responsible for?

‘If you love Me, keep My commands…’ 

Action.
Loving Jesus isn’t all about this emotional connectivity that feels all fluffy and good within. Does it happen sometimes…? Yeah, sure. But, it’s not the basis for how God knows I love Him.

Obedience.

Do I love Jesus?
Do I keep His commands?
‘His command is that you walk in love…’ 

I can tell Jesus I love Him all day long, but until I follow it up with obedience, it seems empty. It seems just as empty as the casual ‘I love you’ to a friend or an acquaintance that I merely say the words to because that’s what Christians are ‘supposed’ to do.

When I tell Jesus I love Him…I want it to mean something, I want it to be significant. I want it to be known by Him that I mean what I say and that I’m willing to back it up with my actions.

We have to be willing to be people who walk in love…not just people who are willing to say they love.

Action is required.
Make sure your words match up with your actions, whether you’re talking to friends, family or the Savior of the world.

It matters.

It’s been almost seven years, but today I broke back into territory I had almost forgotten.

I had an image the other day where I was virtually stabbing myself in the heart.

Die, die, die, die…

Over and over again.

Morbid, right?
Notice I said virtually. Which mostly means that in my continued desires for relationship and family, I suddenly had the urge to Kill Them.

I don’t know how to kill desire, though. You can ignore it, you can run from it, you can hide its existence… but to kill it? To have it be gone forever? With no possibility for return?  To put it to death for once and for all…?

The visual of my heart being stabbed, while gruesome, seemed to arouse something within. It’s as though my heart, in between each blow, was crying out, trying to say something.

Because, while I wanted to be done with the desires, with the ‘wanting but not having’ tension, with the  unshakeable feeling that my heart is truly evil and it cannot be trusted…my heart was pleading its case. It wanted to be heard before I stifled it out completely.

This isn’t bad, Debbie. These things that you want, they aren’t inherently bad.

It hit me.
It’s how I choose to respond to the desire that typically leaves me in a bad spot. It’s how I choose to respond to desire when I’m not getting what I think I want. It’s how I choose to respond when things aren’t going as planned.

In the moment, I was choosing to respond by killing the desire. Moving to Africa seemed enticing (for a thousand reasons, but one of them probably felt like running away from any possibilities of marriage/family). But sometimes I choose to respond in other ways. Sometimes I take action…trying to do anything and everything to satisfy the desire. Sometimes I just pretend the desire doesn’t exist. Sometimes I choose to get so busy and involved in other things that I forget that I even have the desire at all.

But it always comes back.
You want this.

My brother told me the other day that I was handling things pretty well. When my mouth dropped in shock, he went on to remind me that at least I wasn’t sleeping around and trying to date any guy with a pick-up truck (that’s not on my ‘list’, by the way…). It seemed absurd, as those things weren’t even thoughts that crossed my mind… but it made me realize that I could choose to respond in ways other than what I’m doing now.

I don’t know what your desire is right now….but I’m very aware that there are a lot of people in the world who want a lot of different things, and a lot of those things aren’t bad (and, even if they seem bad, I wonder if the root of those desires are actually good). Maybe it’s a spouse or family, maybe it’s a particular job, maybe it’s a baby, maybe it’s a good friend, or maybe it’s something else that you don’t really have control over acquiring. But, how we choose to respond could probably be better.

What do you want?
What is your desire?
How are you responding to your desires? Do you acknowledge that they exist? Do you allow yourself to exist in the tension of wanting but not having? And, how do you live out of that?

Are you trying to kill the desires, or forget that they’re there, or embrace them to the fullest? Do you allow yourself to mourn the unfulfilled desire? Are you honest with the Lord about your desires?

I know that I’ve really pushed for honesty with the Lord lately, but, gosh…
Get alone and be honest about the desires of your heart, the things you really want. Cry. Be angry. Beg. And then trust.

It’s so good.

Stop trying to kill the desire.
Stop trying to pretend it’s not there.
Stop trying to take control of it and fulfill it in any way that you know how.

Let go.
Every day, if you have to. Multiple times a day.

The desire isn’t bad, my friends.
But, how we respond to the desire is pretty key as we seek to live lives that are about abundantly more than ourselves. I think we’ll find, in the end, that when we are willing to release and truly surrender our desires over to the Lord, actually trusting Him with them…that we can relax and know that they rest in the hands of Someone who understands them and us more than we ever will, even if that means not getting what we think we want when we think we want it. As my brother said, ‘His intentions are better than our expectations.’

He’ll take care of us.
And if you don’t really believe that…? Maybe make that your prayer tonight… that you would believe it.

I’m a guy, and I have good female friends (contrary to societal stereotypes). We have fun, and we grow together, whether in a group or one-on-one. And sometimes that growth is intentional. One or the other will ask questions, notice habits, pray for the other, and so on. 

But it’s not dating. It’s not pursuit, and it’s not courtship. It’s friendship. It’s a relationship or relationships that are deepening, and while one or another may eventually lead to romance and dating (not marriage-lite), it’s not there. 

That is explicit. There is no wondering about status or intent. And while we may get to know each other as friends at a slower rate than dating, it does protect us from heartbreak, from emotional and physical mistakes that may happen once the “dating” label has been applied, and so on. 

So are we talking about the same thing – intentionality, fun, and growth possibly leading to more, whether or not we apply the term dating immediately or down the road, or are we on separate paths? 

I love that you brought this up. A lot.
I think, if I’m understanding you correctly, that we’re on two separate pages.  As I read this, I laughed, recalling a woman who I met recently who adamantly declared that males and females can never just be friends. She insisted that one person always ends up liking the other, if there’s not already a mutual attraction between the two. I’m pretty sure she believed that there was never any exception to the rule, either. She might be right.

Honestly, you’re potentially the type of guy that many a woman love to rant about. Why, you ask? Because you’re the type of guy that we’re never really sure of your intentions, because we’re just friends (we think). But yet, we hang out a lot and we have fun and we grow together and we challenge each other and inspire each other… we connect with each other. I’m willing to bet that 9 times out of 10, any girl will be interested in the guy she spends this much time with and invests this much of herself emotionally/spiritually in. Most of us are suckers for that kind of connection and intimacy, regardless of the label that’s placed on it.

You mentioned that there is ‘no wondering about status or intent’, though. I’m assuming that you then have made your intentions clear from the beginning of the friendship, or else you have assumed that you don’t need to clarify because it’s clearly just a friendship?

If it’s the latter, here’s a bit of a heads up on how lots of us women think: if you haven’t told us that you’re not interested (and even sometimes when you do), we either think you are or that you could be…especially if you’re pursuing us in any capacity (including mere friendship). You’re someone that wants to know us, truly cares about what’s going on with our hearts, wants to spend time with us…and that affects us greatly (whether we want to admit it or not).

Dating, to me, is much different than this male/female deep friendship. It’s intentional from the beginning. It’s a, ‘Hey, I want to get to know you better to see where this could go because I think you’re awesome’ type of mentality that allows there to be no room for confusion or games or over-analyzing what the relationship is or isn’t. When you’re in the middle of a good male/female friendship, I’m pretty sure that at least one party is thinking (or has thought at one point) about the possibility of more and is wishing they knew if the other person could have any romantic interest in them. But, most people will probably lie if they’re ever confronted by the other about it, especially if they know or suspect that the feelings aren’t reciprocated.

The truth? I’ve had more heartbreaks not being in relationships than I have had in them… because I’ve been such good friends with guys that I came to care deeply about. The friendship didn’t protect me from heartache. The pace at which our relationship grew didn’t protect me from the heartache. The friendship may have protected them from having to be a part of it, though. They didn’t see the tears shed or have to hear the emotional dialogue about whether or not I could/should remain in the friendship or not.

When it comes to males and females, I’m afraid there’s very rarely safe territory. I’m currently struggling myself with how to navigate through the muddy waters of becoming friends with men as I’m in the process of meeting new people. I was actually talking to my brother and sister-in-law about this last night. My question? ‘How the heck do I be friends with guys without them thinking I want more and without me wanting more and without me thinking they want more?’ I’m not sure it’s possible for none of those things to enter into the equation at any point. I’d be a fool to think (especially at this point in my life) that male/female friendships are ever simple. They rarely are, especially the more you hang out one-on-one and really invest in each other.

So, sure. Maybe you aren’t making out or crossing any other physical boundaries… but be careful about the emotional boundaries. Be careful about how much of your heart you share with each other, how much time you spend with each other. And, just be aware. Even if you think things are fine and that she totally knows that you only see her as a friend, she may be a lot better at pretending than you realize. Or, in some instances you may be the one pretending that you’re all fine and dandy being friends when you really are interested in more.

On some level I just think everyone should be clear about their intentions from the beginning and remain honest throughout the friendship/relationship. Then there’s no room for misunderstandings and being in the constant state of wondering. There will probably still be heartbreak, as that’s inevitable anytime you get to know someone well and vice versa. But, it’s part of the risk that we enter into. Be willing to have some hard, awkward conversations…especially if you really care about the person. Honesty is always best. If you aren’t interested in ever dating a girl, even if she’s a good friend, do her a favor and make sure she knows where you stand.

Recognize that girls are typically more relationally wired and, if we’re attracted to you at all and you’re wanting to know us better, the chances of us liking you are going to be pretty high (and, even if we aren’t attracted to you initially, the more we get to know you and the more you want to know us… we suddenly might start finding you to be super attractive). Consider that while it may not be affecting you emotionally, it may be all-consuming to her.

Mostly… just don’t be naive as you enter into friendships with females, even if you aren’t intentionally trying to date them. We have the tendency to over-analyze, fall easily, and we love feeling connected to people (especially men). Be honest about where you’re at. I think most of the women in your life will appreciate it.