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Maybe there still is one. 

“What do you want to make sure you do before you turn 30?”

It was one of those annoying questions you get asked on your birthday… and it was one of those annoying questions that remind you that thirty is only a year away (what.the.heck…).

I mulled over my answer, though…not wanting to be too flippant or sarcastic or apathetic-sounding about the next year of my life.

What do I really want to accomplish?
It almost felt like New Year’s Eve all over again… only different (probably because it was a question that only I was going to answer and I’m pretty narcissistic). My company allowed me to process verbally and as I mused through the different things that I thought might make the list, I was left with an obvious answer.

I want to do something that matters.
I want to know that my move up here was beneficial for someone other than me. I want to know that my move away from a ministry where I had the chance to impact thousands of lives every year was the right move. I realized that I want, no matter where I am, to impact other people’s lives in good ways… ways where they feel blessed, encouraged, challenged, loved, and inspired.

It was ironic, because not less than twenty-four hours earlier I had been throwing my own birthday pity party, moaning and groaning about the lack of ‘real’ relationships in my life and how tragically alone I truly was. I’m not going to lie… turning 29 was a pathetic milestone and I’m not very proud of how it all went down. It was one of those times I allowed myself to believe every possible lie because feeling sorry for myself was more plausible than making an effort to ask people to hang out with me when I wasn’t one hundred percent sure they would even want to. I didn’t want to risk it on my birthday. It already felt like a delicate enough situation.

But, a day later, as I really thought about what matters?
It had nothing to do with me…and had everything to do with something better. Something that I don’t even fully understand.

I’ve been really humbled lately.
Humbled by the Lord already revealing ways that He is using me up here. Humbled because I never feel worthy of the task, I never feel completely equipped.

But He provides.
And He uses even me.
Even me… a whiny, selfish, pity-party throwin’ chump.
I can’t get over it.
Because even on the days that I feel like the loneliest person I know (or the days where I feel like the ‘biggest sinner’ or the ‘worst Christian’ or the most bitter and cynical person on the planet…)… He’s somehow still able to use me.

And it’s humbling.
And it’s powerful.
And it’s not limited to just me.

I guess I just want you all to know that you never have to have it all together for the Lord to use you. You never have to have it all figured out. You get to be all messed up and selfish and the Lord’s going to use you for some reason and you won’t know why, but you’ll be incredibly humbled in the process. You’ll see the beauty in it because you’ll know that it was nothing you did…but you’ll have firsthand experienced the power of the Lord working in you and through you.

I’m not confident in a lot of things…. but I am confident of this.

Aspire to do things that matter, that have purpose, that have more to do with others than they do with you. As you seek out opportunities, I think you’ll be surprised by the way the Lord uses you in those moments. I think you’ll be surprised by the various gifts that you begin to realize you have as He draws on them in powerful, life-changing ways.

Maybe in the next year of our lives we’ll be able to say that we were a part of something bigger than ourselves. A part of something that mattered eternally. A part of something declaring Jesus’ saving grace and the power of His redemption in our lives.

And, I pray that as we seek things outside of ourselves, that we are simultaneously changed in the process. That maybe we start to look a little more like Him without being so consumed with the thousands of ways that we don’t look like Him right now… because of our willingness to exist for more than ourselves.

So before I’m 30?
Before I’m 30, I want to do things that matter.
Truly matter…for all of eternity, for the glory of the Father.

Here I am, Lord… 

(Below is a written dialogue between myself and blogger/friend, Bryn Clark…he’s a he, in case there’s any confusion. Check out his blog when you get a moment!) 

BRYN: 
You know the situation, surely you’ve been there before. You just started dating someone, one, maybe two months ago. It’s going well, they’re cute, funny, and don’t cheer for the Chicago Bears so no major red flags yet. Then you’re sitting at lunch with your best friend one day, and they ask you the inevitable question.

“So…have you two discussed the big “M” word yet?”

You pause because suddenly the discussion got awkward. “Mast-“

“*Marriage*.” They clarify.

“Oh.” Now it’s even more awkward. You hadn’t thought about marriage yet; heck, you were barely to the point of seeing past your next date. And yes, your significant other is nice and all, but…. marriage? Lifetime? Kids? Commitment? IN-LAWS!?

“Well I hadn’t really thought about it,” you say, “I guess I’m just dating casually.” Or maybe you didn’t say that, but something along those lines. This can draw varied reactions within the Christian circle. Contemporary meanings of the term “dating casually” usually equate to “sleeping around”. But that’s not what you mean at all. You’re just looking to get to know this person better and have a fun time doing so. Is there anything wrong with that?

In a situation like this, the first thing to address is whether or not the relationship is glorifying to God. Marriage relationships are designed to be a representation of Christ’s love for His church. Dating, on the other hand, is a fairly recent invention driven partially by the sexual revolution, feminist movement and a certain sense of egocentric thinking. The point of most dating relationships is me. What do I want in a person? What do I want in a relationship? I need to get out of this relationship because it’s not good for me. This person isn’t right for me…etc. For instance, if dating casually does relate to the fulfillment of a selfish desire and/or some sort of physical lucidity, then yes there is something unhealthy about that. But, if your form of dating casually involves two people getting to know each other on an intentional but not-entirely committed level, then it can most certainly glorify God. The necessity, as in any relationship, is not to ask “what’s in it for me?” Instead ask yourself: Are you dating this person “casually” because they make you feel good about yourself? Because you have fun with them? Because it’s nice to have someone to cuddle with during Finding Nemo? Or are you pursing this relationship as a way of giving more than you receive, are you seeing it as a growing opportunity and a chance to deepen a relationship with one of God’s children in a manner that elevates them and humbles you? These can help you identify your motives and, thus, the actual situation.

ME: 
Your thoughts on ‘casual dating’ are interesting. I don’t entirely disagree with them.. but perhaps we’re operating on two different definitions of the concept. When I think of ‘casual dating’ l still think, “What’s the point?” It’s seems non-committal and it seems like a place that you can be dating different people simultaneously….it seems like there’s absolutely no thoughts of a prospective future with that person. If you’re not interested in looking for something for the long haul, how beneficial can the relationship actually be? Bryn mentioned that honoring the Lord is a crucial aspect of relationships...and I wonder if that’s even possible when dating “casually”? Would it be perhaps be more honoring to the Lord to refrain from entering into a romantic relationship where the likelihood of breaking someone’s heart seems quite feasible? The more you spend time together, invest in each other, and come to really care for each other on an emotional level the more I think we are entering into a territory that is intended for marriage. 

“Unworthy” felt stamped across my heart.

Stamped in such away that it was all I could see, and all I was sure anyone else could see when they looked at me. I might as well have been wearing a scarlet ‘U’. The ink felt permanent, too.

The words were meant as both a reminder and a warning sign. A reminder for me, in case I ever started to forget it. A warning sign for others as they start to get close… a sign that encouraged them to proceed with caution: Watch out, this one is damaged…she’s not worth much…

Isn’t it interesting that out of a thousand nice and good things people can say about me, just one negative thing from the right person can still somehow weigh more?

The choir is harmonizing and singing my praises, but just one tenor is slightly off key… and it’s all that I hear. It’s all that I notice. None of the other correct notes matter, because this one hurts to hear.

Oftentimes you might be able to cast aside the one because they are just one in the bunch of many… but sometimes that one is the one that matters most. Their voice is the one you desperately yearn to hear encouragement from, support from, love from… so when it you only hear the echo of emptiness, the pain ensues.

The other voices don’t matter.
The other words feel meaningless.
Because they aren’t coming from the one that you need to hear them from.

Unworthy.
Damaged.
Not worth the effort.
Untrusting.
Controlling.
Selfish.

These are the words I hear.
Because they came from one whom I heard louder than anyone else. And even if they weren’t words that were actually verbalized, they were the words that flowed into the craters of silence when the one was unwilling to provide anything else.

And we wonder why we believe the lies?
We wonder why the wounds won’t heal?
We wonder why we live in these patterns that seem to perpetuate the same things over and over again?

Who is your ‘one‘?
Who are you listening to more than anyone else?
What are the things that you’re choosing to believe about yourself?
What are the words stamped across your heart?

And are they true?
Actually true?
Or have you just heard one voice louder than the rest for whatever reason? Have you given one voice more power than any other voice?

The ink isn’t permanent.
The words aren’t etched into our hearts.

Will we be people who choose to believe what the choir is singing, able to tune out the one who continually tries to sabotage our self-image and our identity?
Will we be people who choose to believe what the One is saying about who we are over what the one has said?

It isn’t easy.
It’s much easier to drown out all the other voices that try to remind us that we may not be the wretched monsters that we’ve truly begun to believe that we are. But maybe it’s time to stop settling for easy all the time, to stop settling into modes of self-pity and despair.

Think about it:
Whose voice defines you?

I’ve gotten really good at putting on a mask.
A mask of smiles, laughter, the pretense that everything is okay. Occasionally I’ll take it off, depending on the person, the situation, or simply my inability to control my emotions.

I’ve been sad lately.
Sad and lonely.
There’s a desire for deep connection that I feel like I’m lacking–both in my relationships with others, but also the Lord.

I’m aware that relationships take time, but in the midst of loneliness, my natural reaction is to retract further into my shell. It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. Out of my desire for intimacy, I’m silently asking who will make the effort, who will take the time, who will go out of their way to care about me…but in the process of wanting these things, I’m simultaneously shutting down any possibility of those things ever being able to happen. I’m closed off, non-communicative, and wearing my mask that allows people to see exactly what I want them to see.

It’s a mask that, probably more often than not, communicates that I don’t need people, that I don’t want people, and that I’m too good for them. In reality, I’m extremely aware that I need them, I know that I want them, and I’m scared that I’m simply not good enough for them….that they won’t want me when they truly see me.

My insecurities and fears breed a mask of self-confidence and independence in order to overcompensate for what I’m lacking.

I’ve approached new relationships with trepidation and hesitation, not feeling like I’ve had anything to offer or give. I’ve encountered new people with the assumption that they are already set up with the friends they need in life and don’t need to add more to their list. I’ve stamped out old relationships, feeling like the distance and time apart would cause people to forget or somehow give enough reason for them to stop caring about me. I’ve lost touch and allowed myself to get caught up in school and work and the busyness of it all.

And in the midst of all of the lies, the biggest one I’ve chosen to believe is that God doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care about my desire for connectivity and intimacy.

So I feel rather disconnected.
I feel unplugged.

I feel like my expectations and my ideals will never be met, and so beneath my mask I am defeated and hopeless.

Do you ever feel like this?
Do you ever feel like no one understands you or wants to understand you? Do you ever feel isolated in your loneliness? Do you ever feel like God doesn’t care… and if He doesn’t care, why would anyone else?

My prayer lately has been that the Lord would truly be my portion and my strength. That in the times where the lies about His character seem to be all I can hear and see… that His truth would somehow prevail. That there would still somehow be hope, even in the despair.

Perhaps there is something to not being so consumed with myself, to not being so caught up in how others do or don’t show that they care about me, to not creating expectations that are unrealistic and impossible to meet.

Perhaps there is something to taking off the mask.
To admitting that sometimes we’re sad, that sometimes we’re lonely… that sometimes life doesn’t feel perfect, even when we can recognize that there is much to rejoice in. Sometimes we just don’t feel like rejoicing.

Perhaps there is something to pushing on, to taking steps forward, to not wallowing or dwelling in the pain that causes us to only think of ourselves. Perhaps there is something to reaching out, to finding ways to love or encourage others, and then even allowing them to do the same in return (even when it’s different than what you might want/expect). Perhaps there’s something to not assuming things about other people and what they think of you.

I’m working on taking off the mask–not just in my writing, but in my actual life. It’s not easy and I know it will take time. But, I hope that we might all be people who can let go of the facade…even when that means feeling like others might think that we’re somewhat unstable, or depressed, or whatever else. Because that’s the only way people know what’s really going on, and sometimes it’s the only way people can know how to care about us. Sometimes it’s the only way people can truly intercede for us.

Everybody hurts sometimes.
Even when the source of the pain seems ridiculous and unwarranted… it doesn’t negate that it’s there.
Let’s be honest about it. Not in a way that’s dramatic… but in a way that invites the Lord and others in to remind us of Truth. To remind us that there’s more than this.

And at the end of the day, may we truly be able to say: it is well with my soul.
And may we be able to truly rejoice, even when the tears are streaming down our face. Because our hope is not what is seen, but what is unseen….our hope is not in the assurances of this world, but in something greater that lasts through all of eternity.

May our momentary pains and afflictions not keep us from remembering that there is a better… and that makes everything else worth it in the end.

(Below is a written dialogue between myself and blogger/friend, Bryn Clark…he’s a he, in case there’s any confusion. Check out his blog when you get a moment!) 

BRYN: 
So I just started writing for this blog run by a girl named Debbie. She’s pretty cool. Furthermore, it’s been great to discuss topics with her, swap insight and generally work together. Throughout this process she’s become what you might call… a friend. At least to me. She might still want to keep me on the outskirts of her social circles. But to me she’s a friend.

‘…I felt–no, not beautiful. Even on such a romantic day as this I could not persuade myself of that. I knew that my jaw was too square, my legs too long, my hands too large. But I earnestly believed–and all the books agreed–that I would look beautiful to the man who loved me.‘ -Corrie Ten Boom

I get to read a lot in graduate school. Did you read that right? Get to? Yes. Yes you did. While sometimes the reading is agonizing, sometimes you get to read something beautiful, insightful, challenging, eye-opening…sometimes you even learn something new. Weird, right?

The Hiding Place was my most recent conquest, and while my heart ached (and at one point, after women in a prison count the shots fired that ultimately killed 700 men one-by-one, I had throw the book across the table)…I was entranced by the beauty of the story. A story about the Holocaust. A story about death, despair and unimaginable living conditions… but it’s a story about hope.

Anyway– I’m not going to post about the Holocaust, or even really Corrie Ten Boom… but there’s my plug for that book. You should read it.

I am, however, going to talk about that quote above.
I think there’s a lot of freedom for us women in that quote.
Here’s why: even if we might be able to convince ourselves sometimes that we’re beautiful, it doesn’t ever seem to last for any amount of time. It’s a fleeting thought, a brief emotion, a ‘truth’ that we are ‘supposed’ to believe about ourselves and so we do everything we can to make what we think about ourselves line up with what we say we should think about ourselves. It’s really quite complicated…

I know that I can leave my house in the morning feeling quite confident in my appearance and then catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a window an hour later and be baffled that I ever left the house wearing that. Or, how come the mirror in my bathroom lied to me? My review mirror seems to be a much more accurate reflection of all the flaws on my face.

We ‘fix’ the things we can fix about ourselves, and we try to fix a whole lot more things less successfully. We spend hours maintaining our image…but at the end of the day, we’re sometimes left with jaws that are too square, legs that are too long, hands that are too large.

There’s only so much we can ‘fix’ about our appearance.
So at what point do we just accept that we are who we are? At what point do we say, ‘This is just what I look like and it’s going to have to do.’… and at what point can we be confident in that?

‘But I earnestly believed–and all the books agreed–that I would look beautiful to the man who loved me.‘

It’s only a little ironic that Corrie Ten Boom never got married…. but that doesn’t make what she wrote any less true. And isn’t there this flood of freedom that comes in that?
Maybe it’s just me.
But it’s a simple reminder that I can be exactly who I am and someday, somehow, for some unknown reasons… I earnestly believe that some man will choose me, that I will look beautiful to the man who chooses to love me for the rest of life (even on those ‘ugly’ days).

It dives in deeper than appearances, too. Sometimes, at the peak of my ‘weird’ moments, I think, ‘I wonder if I will ever be able to act like this around my husband someday…’. Because… I can be weird.

I earnestly believe that I will look and be beautiful to the man who loves me… even in my weird moods, even with no make-up, even with grey hair, even with wrinkles, even with flabby thighs and a triple chin. It’s gonna be awesome.

So, even if finding a man were the most important thing in your life… (because, it’s not…)?
I hope you recognize that you don’t have to be someone that you’re not. You don’t have to ‘fix’ yourself before anyone will ever think you’re desirable. It’ll happen. And for all those guys who seem to be passing you by right now? Just be thankful. Be thankful that God’s good in this, that He’s protecting you, that even when you don’t understand and you feel like you’re never going to be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough….. that He’s got this. He has your back.

Trust Him.
And trust Him that He’s going to provide someone for you who thinks you’re beautiful, no matter what you look like.

And, that’s actually a more beautiful thing to me than us altering ourselves and ‘fixing’ ourselves for men to want to be with us.

It’ll happen.
Be You.
In every way.
The fullness of who you were created to be.
May we find true joy there.

The comment:

I’m extremely blessed and lucky and have so much to be thankful for BUT sometimes it’s hard to not be down and want more. How can I live life to fullest and be thankful for my blessings while also knowing its ok to be down sometimes or how can I get out of that “down” feeling?

As easy as it is for me to spout off verses and quotes and great ideas for how to be content no matter your circumstances, it’s always a bit trickier than that. Because, you’re right. Sometimes, even when life seems to be going really well, it’s possible to just feel ‘down’. 

I think there’s this unsatisfied feeling that we’re occasionally going to enter into simply by existing here on earth. A feeling that, ‘This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.’… and maybe a few days later, you’ll feel the exact opposite. It’s the nature of our fallen world mixed with our crazy emotions, and sometimes our crazy hormones (yes ladies, unfortunately, I do believe that they can play a pretty big part on the ‘down’ feelings we encounter every month or so). 

The most crucial part of encountering the ‘down’ feeling is how we respond to it. It seems there’s a lot to be said for recognizing that this feeling doesn’t define us, and also not letting it dictate how we live our lives. 

What I mean by that is this: 
When I’m feeling down or can admit that something may not be how I want it to be in my life, regardless of the millions of things that I do have to be thankful for… it’s easy to slip into ‘pity-party’ mode. It’s easy to focus on the negative and to allow ourselves to only see what we are missing vs. what we have. Sometimes we allow ourselves to dwell so much in what we don’t have, that we begin to see ourselves in terms of what we are missing. Instead of choosing to live a life that’s filled with giving, serving, interacting with and loving others we may begin to isolate ourselves, spend time alone feeling sorry for ourselves, believe that other people want to have nothing to do with us. Our opinion of ourselves in the midst of our pity-party can become the lens in which we filter everything else through, often putting distance between ourselves and others. This typically allows room for lies to breed and for us to slip further into feeling sorry for ourselves (often times unnecessarily). 

Don’t feel like you have to fake your way out of the ‘down’ feeling. Actually, I think it’s really healthy for us to acknowledge the ‘down’ feelings…to acknowledge that they are real and that they have an effect on us. I think it’s good for us to admit this to ourselves, the Lord, and to others as we then choose to not live/dwell in that mindset. To be able to say, ‘I’m having a bad day, and I’m not even sure why…’, but then to persevere through that. There’s something really powerful in admitting what’s going on and then inviting others into the ‘down’-ness with you. Oftentimes surrounding yourself with others is a good way to be reminded that there’s much to laugh about and the things you are ‘down’ about and feel are lacking in your life are really quite trivial. 

Sometimes I think there’s also an okay-factor to just being ‘pathetic’ for a few hours or a night. To step into a comfortable place and to do things that are fairly mindless and purposeless (like chow down on some cookie dough while watching your favorite sit-com by yourself). I think the danger comes when that becomes our norm and seeking out others, being invested and involved in other things becomes the rare occasion. But, sometimes you just need a night alone. Sometimes a day just feels sucky (even in the midst of all the good stuff going on), and you need to veg out. I get it. Just don’t dwell there. 

And, I think there’s that whole being honest with the Lord factor that’s going to be vital here. Those times when you can tell Him all the things that you’re truly thankful for, but that you’re still just feeling down for whatever reason. The more you talk to Him (like really talk to Him), the more you’ll find yourself in a better place….even if sometimes that means in the middle you’re weeping and blabbering. When you continue to talk and push through all of that, He’s pretty good at reminding you of who He is, what His promises are, what He thinks of you, and what really matters in life. Try it. 

I think it’s fairly normal to have a ‘down’ day every now and again. But, if that’s your norm and you find yourself there all the time, even when you can recognize all the good stuff going on… I’d encourage you to seek out some professional help. Well, let’s be honest. I’d probably encourage everyone to seek out a counselor just because of how healthy and good it can be to have an unbiased party listening and offering insight into your life (and because I’m going into the field and I want your business……). 

While I said it was easy to throw some verses at you that sometimes don’t seem super helpful, I encountered one recently that I found especially insightful. Perhaps you’ve heard it before: I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Despite what you’ve maybe heard about this verse (like that somehow in reciting it to yourself you would be able to fly to the moon and back), it has everything to do with finding contentment, no matter our circumstances. It has everything to do with God’s provision…that despite our poverty or our wealth….despite what we are lacking or what we have… that with Christ we are able to persevere through anything because of the strength He supplies us. 

I think it’s especially applicable as you are thankful for what you have and yet, sometimes, unsatisfied with what you do not have. Through Christ, through what He has already accomplished for us on the cross, we can endure….and because of that, contentment can be found (even if it’s not instantaneous). 

Life is hard. 
Truly it is. 
I think it’s unfair of us to expect and demand giddiness through the ‘down’ moments. And, I think that sometimes that as we persevere through the ‘down’ feelings and seek to live in a way that is honoring to the Lord… that we are learning more of what it means to live life to the fullest, that we are learning more of what it means to be truly thankful for the things that we do have. I think the more we choose to respond in a way that isn’t so focused on ourselves and our feelings of want, the more we step into a place of learning a truer meaning of sacrificial love. 

Be honest. 
Be real. 
Be raw. 
Remember that you’re a work in progress and allow the refining to happen, recognizing that it’s rarely an easy (or quick) process. 

It’s okay. 
It’s life. At least right now. 

(Below is a written dialogue between myself and blogger/friend, Bryn Clark…he’s a he, in case there’s any confusion. Check out his blog when you get a moment!) 

ME: 
I asked a boy to get ice cream.