Today was one of those days where, try as I may, I couldn’t write.
Writer’s Block?
Maybe. Maybe I just got tired of writing about sex and relationships and things that, sometimes, feel so secondary to what actually matters. These trivial things that seem to take such a priority in our lives, but are often exhausting and cause us to lose focus…
So I began sifting through some old writings and came across something that I’ve thought about blogging about before, but hadn’t. Here you have it, though…what we do in the moments in our faith when we feel distant from God, when we feel like we’ve lost that emotional connection with Him..
Check it out:
Waiting when it doesn’t Click
In the depths of my soul, I feel a stirring. I feel with certainty that there must be more than this; more than this life I am living. Beyond the normalcy that life tends to lend itself to, beyond the tragedies and the heartaches, beyond even the greatest joys we can ever know on this earth… I’m absolutely convinced there is more. That life was meant to look differently, it was meant to be more fulfilling, more whole…
We catch the glimpses, we catch these small pieces that leave us wanting more. Where do we go from there? Where do we go when our hearts crave something bigger, something better, something that seems out of reach…even if only by a few centimeters?
We have the moments that click… yes. And then it seems that the rest of our lives are comprised of dissected scenes; scenes where we are wallowing and wandering and striving to find our way back to those moments where it all makes sense.
I’ve recently realized that I can’t make myself be in an intimate spot with the Lord; the place where it clicks and where everything I’m saying and living finally makes sense because I feel His presence so fully in my life. No matter how much I pray, or how much I read my Bible, or fast, or attempt to love others… I can’t make myself get there. It seems that I’m simply waiting on the Lord to move me into those places of intimacy with Him.
We are waiting. Constantly. There seems to be verse after verse in Scripture about waiting on the Lord, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe it has something to do with this, too.
And I keep wondering what will our response be as we are waiting. What will my response be as I wait? Sometimes I want to flee. Sometimes I literally think, “Screw this… if God’s not going to respond when I’m trying to seek Him, why should I even bother?”. Sometimes I am convinced it’s my fault… that I’m not being as good of a Christian as I should be. I’m not reading enough or praying enough or loving people well. I’m convinced that if I do more, than I will achieve the intimacy with Christ that I’ve experienced before that is sweet and beautiful. Sometimes I’m merely apathetic… and I just do what’s before me, I do what I need to get by… and I become a human robot, void of emotion or concern for much…
I’m convinced that the Lord longs for us to be faithful in the waiting. And I’m convinced that being faithful means being diligent in the things He has called us to, even if we don’t always feel like it, even if we don’t always understand it, even if we don’t always care…. but I also think it’s a fine line between doing these things in order to achieve this emotional connection with the God of this universe vs. doing them because we love Him and we trust Him and we have given our lives to Him.
Will we abandon everything to follow Him? And while we’re waiting to be drawn back into those intimate places where we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is real and good and sovereign… will we walk faithfully? Will we walk in the hope that we have in Him… even when we can’t always feel it?
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