The comment:
I don’t date…like ever. Yet, every time I have a potential man in my life (or even just in conversations with guy friends), men are always surprised that I don’t get attention from other guys. I don’t get asked out. I don’t get pursued. But I get told by guys (who don’t know otherwise) that they’re SO SURE I’ve got guys chasing me. Or they think I’m out of their league. Why do guys say this stuff? I know my lack of a dating life is due in part to my awkwardness and insecurities. But am I just getting skipped over by guys who assume I have other options? If I was a gorgeous supermodel, I would understand. But I’m just a normal girl. And I can’t be the only girl in this position. Why won’t guys take a chance on me?
It’s a two-fold question, so I’ll try to address them both accordingly.
I did ask around to a few guys, wondering in what context they might tell a girl that they were ‘SO SURE’ that she would have guys chasing them. To me it sounded like the common exchange between girls (you know, all the comforting things that girls say to each other when it comes to relationship advice that helped with the success of He’s Just Not That Into You). The first few guys I talked to seemed a bit baffled that any guy would ever tell a girl those things. They wanted more information on the situation at hand in order to correctly assess why guys might say that to a girl.
The next guy I talked to provided a bit more insight into why he might tell a girl that. His reasons were the following:
- He’s currently in a relationship. This frees him up to be more encouraging without the fear of leading the single girl on. He can acknowledge that the single girl is cool and although he’s not interested, he can see traits and characteristics in her that other guys would also think are quality.
- He’s been shot down by the girl he is telling this to (whether she knew it or not). Mostly this means that while he thinks she’s incredible, she’s made it very clear to him that she would never give him the time of day. Therefore, he may offer up his opinions of how great she is but never pursue it because he’s certain that he doesn’t stand a chance on any romantic level.
- He’s moving in the direction of pursuing her, but he’s not there just yet. He’s still sorting through things, taking his time…but he wants the girl to know that she is worth it.
Again, it’s one guy… but his reasons make sense to me. So, there’s maybe an answer as to why guys tell you that stuff. If they’re your friends, it never hurts to ask… if you’re cool with awkward confrontation, that is.
As far as your second question goes… I don’t know.
We’re all a bit awkward and insecure, on some level.
I doubt you’re getting skipped over by guys who ‘just assume you have other options’. There’s probably a million factors that go into it and without knowing anything about you, it’s hard to offer any sort of specific advice.
But, I tend to come back to the same thing…
At the end of the day, I don’t think it matters a whole lot how ‘intimidating’ or ‘out of their league’ or how ’emotional’ or ‘crazy’ or ‘quiet’ or ‘introverted’ or ‘extroverted’ we are. I think there’s a ton of things us women tell ourselves that we need to be more of or less of…and maybe then we’ll meet the guy we’re going to marry because we’ll finally be the perfect specimen that attracts the perfect male. I just don’t think it works like that.
I don’t know why guys won’t take a chance on you right now… but I believe that someday, someone will. I think that someday, somehow, for some reason… it just happens. I think it, because I’ve seen it happen over and over and over again. And it wasn’t because the girls started doing something different, or doing something right, or being someone other than who they are…. it just happened. Even in the fullness of their craziest moments, someone chose them…and kept choosing them. It’s a pretty beautiful thing, really.
While I wish I could give you some easy solution to this dilemma, I’m glad that I can’t. Because I think there’s something good for us as we sit in the unknown, as we wait in the dark, as we wrestle with finding value in ourselves outside the context of romantic, earthly relationships.
As heart-wrenching as it can be to exist in a place where you feel like no one is willing to take a chance on you, I’d keep encouraging you to just keep waiting. It’s excruciating at times, but I truly believe that it’s so worth it. The more we try to mold ourselves into something we are not, the more we try to fabricate circumstances to meet our own agendas, the more we spend time pining after guys who are never going to show interest in us…. the more pain and despair we seem to enter into.
Someday someone will take a chance on you.
In the meantime…?
Don’t let that be the thing that defines you, the thing that consumes you, the thing that motivates you or drives you.
Even in the most lonely, self-pitying moments that you encounter….cling to the hope that there’s more to our existence than our relationship status, than some guy deciding that we’re worth taking a chance on. Because, that’ll happen at some point… but if we haven’t gotten it through our head and hearts that there’s Someone infinitely greater that has already given everything for us, then we’re missing the most crucial piece of the puzzle.
I want to reassure you.
You’re not alone in these feelings.
But, it’s how you choose to respond to the feelings that matters.
Keep waiting… and yes, sometimes the waiting will be horrible and feel like eternity…
You’re (most likely) not doing anything wrong.
Keep walking further into who you were made to be, and let everything else fall into place as it should.
It’ll happen.
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