(Below is a written dialogue between myself and blogger/friend, Bryn Clark…he’s a he, in case there’s any confusion. Check out his blog when you get a moment!)
BRYN:
So here’s the thing: physical attraction matters…doesn’t it?
It’s not shallow to want to be with someone you find attractive, right?
It’s okay to have a “type”…a certain physical body-type that you find particularly good-looking…true?
In the world of Christian dating, marriage and general shenanigans, physical attraction is a touchy subject. The world tells us that attraction and compatibility are all that matter. Our Christian sub-culture, on the other hand, tells us that looks are fleeting and true beauty is to be found inside of us. So is it shallow not to want to be with someone because of their looks? Do looks matter at all?
The truth is that God created sex and sex inherently involves arousal which is physically (not emotionally or mentally) created by attraction. The Bible is full of allusions to the attraction between a man and woman; Songs of Solomon mentions that a man is to be raptured with the beauty of his beloved breasts. In the words of Timothy Keller “There’s no getting around that one”. Attraction is a necessity in a relationship, and it’s not shallow to admit this.
That being said, there should be a difference between how Christians treat physical attraction and the difference is that we don’t idolize it. Attraction should never be the bond that holds a relationship together, nor should it be the fuel for the fire that ignites it. Could it be the spark? Could catching the eye of a sexy-someone across the room lead to a healthy, Christ-centered and God-honoring relationship? Absolutely. But if physical attraction is the only thing getting a relationship off the ground, then it’s going to fall really quickly. In our sex-crazed culture, especially one in which visual stimulation is momentarily accessible whether we want it to be or not, it will not be long before we find a physical blemish in our significant other. A pimple there, maybe a scar or crooked tooth, perhaps a little too much or even too little weight- the list goes on and preferences vary.
I find this to be an issue, generally speaking, more often with men than women. Men are visual beings, it’s part of our wiring and physiology. This is why pornography entraps men a little easier than women; and even in cases in which women struggle with porn it’s usually for different reasons than men. When you combine visual stimulation for men with a consumeristic society that is entirely infiltrated with pornography, it’s almost guaranteed that a man will have trouble always finding a woman attractive. This is why, for guys particularly, attraction is important but it needs to give way to commitment.
Emotions, attractions and desires come and go, but a relationship based on commitment is one that will be enhanced not dictated by attraction. When this happens, true attraction takes form, both sexually and emotionally.
What are your thoughts, Debbie? Is this the same for girls?
ME:
Yes.
You bring up some good points, and I do think it’s easier for most women to become attracted to a man over time as she gets to know him, even if she wasn’t attracted to him initially.
Here’s a little confession from yours truly, though..
I have the tendency, upon meeting men, to immediately put them into a category based on their physical attraction (yes, I’m shallow at times). They either stay in the, ‘Maybe this could be more’ realm, or they are immediately cast into the ‘Friend Zone’. Granted, those that are in the friend zone can come out of it (and have). Because, physical attraction is important…but it’s not the most important. And yes, it’s fleeting and it isn’t the thing to base a relationship on… but if it’s not there, it’s not there.
There have been a few times when I tried to force it though, and I found myself trying to convince myself of all the reasons why I should date a certain guy, even though I wasn’t really physically attracted to him. But, I don’t think that we should have to convince ourselves. I think there’s this combination that’s necessary, a combination that creates attraction/arousal… a combination that’s good to hold out for. I would never encourage a woman to marry a man just because he was great if she had no attraction toward him. Could it work? Actually, it probably could…
So maybe the whole attraction thing is bogus and a product of our society. I could throw in a Fiddler on the Roof reference and talk about arranged marriages and how physical attraction doesn’t seem essential at all to a long-lasting marriage. That maybe it’s all about commitment and choosing to love each other day in and day out, no matter what. That maybe our desire for physical attraction is a superficial, shallow thing that we place entirely too much focus on (myself clearly included).
Check out these lyrics from Fiddler on the Roof (I decided to go look them up after I thought about the song “Do you Love Me?’). An older couple’s daughter is about to get married out of love and, while they are reflecting on this newfound idea for their culture, the husband (Tevya) asked his wife (Golde) if she loves him:
(Golde)
Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?
(Tevye)
Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day
I was scared
(Golde)
I was shy
(Tevye)
I was nervous
(Golde)
So was I
(Tevye)
But my father and my mother
Said we’d learn to love each other
And now I’m asking, Golde
Do you love me?
(Golde)
I’m your wife
(Tevye)
“I know…”
But do you love me?
(Golde)
Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that’s not love, what is?
(Tevye)
Then you love me?
(Golde)
I suppose I do
(Tevye)
And I suppose I love you too
(Both)
It doesn’t change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It’s nice to know
Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?
(Tevye)
Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day
I was scared
(Golde)
I was shy
(Tevye)
I was nervous
(Golde)
So was I
(Tevye)
But my father and my mother
Said we’d learn to love each other
And now I’m asking, Golde
Do you love me?
(Golde)
I’m your wife
(Tevye)
“I know…”
But do you love me?
(Golde)
Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that’s not love, what is?
(Tevye)
Then you love me?
(Golde)
I suppose I do
(Tevye)
And I suppose I love you too
(Both)
It doesn’t change a thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It’s nice to know
It’s this beautiful picture, to me, of what love can look like. What commitment can look like. And how dating, perhaps, can easily influence us into breaking up with people simply because of the little things that we are unattracted to in another person that hold absolutely no significance.
Because..
What really matters?
As much as we let physical attraction matter…
I’m not sure it should.
I think I’ve just convinced myself of that..
What if we were truly able to be people who aren’t so quick to judge the surface? If you’re anything like me, let’s seek to not be so quick to cast people into “dateable” and “undateable” solely on physical attraction. Can we be willing to go deeper? Can we be willing to see them in the fullness of who they truly are? Can we be willing to not let what others think matter (because, let’s be honest, sometimes we don’t want to date someone just because we fear others won’t think they’re attractive at all…)?
Maybe we’re too broken and our society has engrained too much junk into us to fully escape the desire (and need) for being physically attracted to our significant other… but let’s not be people who define our relationships by it. Let’s not jump out of relationships because of something external.
Let’s be committed, let’s honor the other… for who they are, not just what they look like (blemishy, fat, skinny, crooked teeth, grey hair and all).
Because it is fleeting.
And the other stuff just matters more.
Let’s live like it.
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