I had dinner with an old friend tonight.
Old friends are hard to come by these days. In the midst of new territory and new faces, it’s good to be in the presence of something familiar every so often.
He’s the kind of friend that you might not see for 8 years, but the time doesn’t change anything. The kind of friend who makes you feel like you’re ravishing and beautiful. The kind of friend who listens intently, the kind of friend who cares deeply, the kind of friend who laughs with ease. He’s the kind of friend who is open and honest, which, refreshingly, allows me to be open and honest back.
Tonight he told me that he senses a true inner peace within me. That when I say I’m good, he really knows that I mean it.
It’s actually been funny because now that I’ve been a way from people I know for several weeks, the questions I most commonly get are along the lines of, ‘How’s your heart?‘ or ‘How are you doing spiritually?‘. I’ve come to dread such questions because I feel like my response is supposed to be one that’s negative, or else one that’s full of complete exuberance.
But lately?
Lately I’ve just felt good. Not great, like I’m on the top of some emotional roller coaster…but I’m nowhere near the pits of despair either. ‘Good’ is usually the type of response you get when someone doesn’t actually want to tell you what’s going on. It’s the non-committal answer you give to someone when you’re walking by and they ask how you are and you don’t really think they care and you certainly don’t have the time to tell them anyway… and so you say, ‘good’. You all know the ‘good’ I’m referring to.
But this time, my answer is truly good.
I think I know why, too.
I think it’s because I’m not over-analyzing everything like crazy right now…especially my spiritual life. I’m not beating myself up because I’m not reading my Bible enough or praying enough… and I’m not trying to figure out all the things I’m doing/thinking wrong and allowing myself to wallow in the fact that I’m absolutely imperfect. I’m not spending my time wishing I was somewhere that I’m not.
For the first time in a long time, I feel truly content enjoying exactly where I am right now. There’s no room to dwell in the past, and I certainly have no certainty with what I’m doing in the future…and as a result, each day is just good. Why wouldn’t it be?
I know there are a lot of you out there like me…those of you who tend to over-think, over-analyze, pick everything around you (including yourself) apart. There’s always room for you to be better, to grow, to not be complacent…especially in your walk with the Lord, right? Sure… BUT… I’d urge you to allow the Lord to refine you in His timing, not yours.
In the past I felt this urgency, this desperation to get things smoothed out within myself as soon as possible. Lately… there’s been a release. There’s been an assurance that it’s okay to exist as I am and to simply trust that the Lord is going to bring me to and through things and I don’t have to go in plunging into my darkness on my own. It’ll be brought to the light… when it’s time.
You might say I’m waiting on the Lord.
And while I wait?
I’m good.
I don’t always know how to answer the questions about where my heart is or how I’m doing spiritually… but I know that I have nothing to complain about today. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring–perhaps calamity, perhaps conviction, perhaps something entirely different. I’m not going to go searching for it though. Not right now.
May the peace that passes all understanding also rest with you right now, in this moment. Don’t go searching for the 5,000 things you need to fix within… because, most assuredly, you’ll find them. I’m not so convinced anymore that that’s what this journey is about though.
Be still.
Rest easy.
Let go.
He is our peace.