Conversations

Lately everything feels too personal, or too spiritual, or too pathetic, or too intellectual (not because I’m intelligent, but because all the stuff I’m trying to process through in classes and reading has me at least trying to think more intellectually) to write about. 

How much is too much? How much is not enough? How much of it even matters? 

What, if anything, even relates to people anymore without droning on and on about the same things again and again? 

Life is good. 

But there’s still inner turmoil and angst that surfaces every so often. 

I still go back and forth between the extremes of thinking that I’m awesome and that I’m the worst. I’m scared of making commitments to any sort of obligation here that’s not school or work related. I’m scared of making commitments for the wrong reasons. I’m scared of making commitments and then having something better come along later. I’m scared of missing out. I’m scared of settling. 

I think about guys a lot. Upon arriving, I felt like I was warned by practically everyone about the ‘types of guys in seminary’. I’ve tried to avoid circumstances where I’m manipulating or controlling things and tried to exist in a place of allowing whatever happens to happen. I’ve tried not reading into things or hoping for things, but I can’t shake the feeling that the guys I think I’d like to get to know are the very guys that would never consider getting to know a girl like me (these are the days where I feel like I’m the worst). I try to be friendly, but not too friendly. Mostly I just feel like I’m waiting. Some days I’m content with that and other days I get a little impatient…a little hopeless. 

I think about God a lot. There’s so much here. So much lately and I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve realized that seminary can wreck you, hopefully in ways that are good. I’d like to think that the wrecking happens so that things that were not good and true can be destroyed and that the rebuilding of solid foundation can begin. It’s exciting and terrifying and causes my mind and heart to be in places of extreme intensity countered by moments where I don’t want to think about anything at all. 

There’s been a lot of self-examination lately, too. I realize that who I am when I meet people may not be a true representation of myself. I find myself extremely sarcastic, as though that type of humor can connect with everyone and make them think that I’m funny. It doesn’t usually work. I’m guarded in conversations with people, subconsciously scared to really let them in. They don’t know me well enough yet. It’ll happen. But, it’ll take time. I feel like I came in mid-year and the last thing I can do is expect people to want to be my friend. Fortunately there are a few that I have connected with. 

And then there’s this blog. 

A blog where I’d like to be real and honest with you about everything going on with me and my own thoughts on issues in life…but lately I feel more than under-qualified for the task. I don’t know anything. And my thoughts feel too scattered and, oftentimes, too depressing to share with the entire world. 

I’m reminded that it’s easy to put on a pretty happy face when there’s a lot going on under the surface. Even if it’s not bad stuff going on under the surface, it can still be overwhelming. I’ve found it’s pretty valuable to have people to talk to, and have been thankful for the people in my life that I get to share personal things with, no matter how shallow, desperate, ridiculous and confusing they are. Even if I don’t have one person that I share everything with, I know how good it is to have different people for different things. 

But lately?

Lately some of the best conversations have been in my car. I already told you about one a few weeks ago. They keep getting better. 

It’s probably one of the best things I can encourage you to do: keep talking to Jesus. No matter what, no matter where you’re at, no matter what you’re thinking. Just today I began a pretty heavy, tear-filled conversation with Him about predestination and free will after an intense lecture. 

You aren’t too much for Him to handle. Your life isn’t too messed up. 

You can’t say anything that’s too surprising or tell Him something that He doesn’t already know. Show emotion, don’t hold back… even if you aren’t sure you actually believe in Him right now. 

Start the conversation. An honest conversation. 

You won’t regret it.