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I recently remembered a phone call I received from a good friend several years ago.

It was one of those friends that you don’t have to talk to very often to feel close to. It was one of those phone calls where you feel helpless because there’s nothing you can do or say to make their situation any better. His dad had just died.

I remember tears streaming down my cheeks as he told me where he was at in the process of mourning. And while there was still such sorrow, there was this inexplicable joy that was undeniable in his tone.

More than anything, I remember him telling me that it was time to sing a new song. That while there was heartache and sadness, there was still the hope of new and different…there was still the hope that the while one season was coming to an end, there was the promise of better and good right around the corner.

I find myself uttering those words a lot since then.
I find myself clinging to that idea a lot….especially right now.

As summer wraps up, I find myself in a position that I haven’t been in for a long while. A season of my life is ending. A chapter has finished. It’s time to sing a new song.

I don’t know if I’ve had the time to process through the emotions that come with the change. Mostly I feel ready to jump into the unknown, but occasionally sorrow sets in as I realize the things I’m leaving behind.

I know I’ve been thinking a lot about my response to things ending, though. That while sometimes I can’t change my circumstances, there’s a lot of value in how I respond and react to things despite how hard and terrifying they may be.

Instead of being angry, instead of distancing myself, instead of sadness…what if I respond with hope of the endless possibilities that lie ahead? What if I finish well, and continue to love even through the heartache? What if I find joy in the beauty of singing a new song?

I don’t know where you’re at in life right now. Perhaps the end of summer means something new is just around the corner for you as well. Perhaps your circumstances have you in a place of significant change. Perhaps the changes mean good-byes, letting go, moving on.

I hope, if that’s you, that you can join me in approaching the change with hope. That together we might be willing to admit that there can be so much good, even when it means that something that we care for deeply has to die. That it is possible to sing a new song…and that new song could actually be a better song…even if it stings a little right now.

This time I don’t get the choice in singing a new song.
It’s what lies before me as the next few weeks unfold.
The choice now lies in the singing of a better song… and this I plan on doing.
With everything I am, I’m determined that the chapter just completed is not the best chapter in the book and that with each turning of the page, it just gets better, and better, and better.

That’s something worth hoping and striving for.
That’s something worth singing about.

Ready or not…

I often wonder how many of us are discontent in life.

Discontent because we’re not where we think we ‘should’ be.
‘Should’ could be a literal place, but I think, more often than not, it’s this state of existence that we’ve created for ourselves.

We ‘should’ be better Christians- we ‘should’ pray more, read our Bibles more, praise the Lord more, be more selfless, love others more.
We ‘should’ be happier- we ‘should’ be more joyful, despite our circumstances.
Our relationships ‘should’ be a romantic mess where everything else around us fades away and time stands still. A place where dreams are fulfilled and we are finally complete.

I’m mostly tired of ‘shoulds’.
‘Should’ has become this tragedy because it reminds me that almost nothing is exactly how it ‘should’ be. ‘Should’ has become an ideal that too often leaves me disappointed and scattered, searching for a trace of its existence in a fallen world.

A world of ‘shoulds’ has caused me to judge others harshly.
A world of ‘shoulds’ has caused me to never think I’m good enough.

In this world of ‘shoulds’ others should always be better and I should always try harder.

Too often I’m disappointed. Too often I’m discontent. Too often I exist in misery because my reality isn’t ever a fulfillment of the ‘shoulds’ but more often it’s a reminder of how much the ‘shouldn’ts’ take victory.

I keep thinking about the damage that has been done. I keep wondering when the taste of disappointment and inadequacy will fade from our souls. I keep wondering how much guilt is wrapped around our hearts and how much pride is mixed up in that, forming some complicated web we can never undo ourselves.

I just wonder if we’ve been doing/thinking things wrong our whole lives.
That instead of freedom, we’ve walked straight into prison.
Instead of living life to the full, we’ve slaughtered every bit of joy and delight.

I don’t know if you can relate.
I mostly know that I’ve spent the greater part of my life always feeling like I ‘should’ be better. I’ve spent the greater part of my life expecting that others ‘should’ also be better. And instead of allowing me to be me and others to be themselves…I’ve existed in a place of wanting more, of never being satisfied.

Pushing toward better is one thing…but striving toward impossible?
The more challenging part is that my ‘shoulds’ are often different from your ‘shoulds’. And, to some degree, I probably want you to hold yourself to my standard of ‘shoulds’ instead of your own. My selfishness is unveiled.

I wonder how much I miss out on the good right before me because I’m too consumed with the absence of what ‘should’ be.

I’m tired of overlooking the good.
I’m tired of the discontentment.

It’s time to turn a new page, to sing a new song… it’s time for a fresh start.
Right here, right now.

I’m through measuring myself and others up to a list of ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’

Are you?

Are you honest with yourself?
Like… really honest?

I sometimes think I’m unwilling to admit how much I don’t have it together… I sometimes think I’m unwilling to admit how much I doubt, how much I struggle, how much I’m jealous, how much I’m selfish, how much I’m lazy, how much I just don’t care.

‘Cause if I were to admit all those things, what kind of person would that make me?

And so I pretend. Don’t we all?

As I sit here, typing at my desk, I hear a camper off in the distance screaming at the top of his lungs. It’s real. It’s angry. He’s been abandoned by his father.

I can’t remember the last time that I just let loose. The last time when I screamed at the top of my lungs, the last time when I wept uncontrollably, the last time when I’ve allowed myself to be…. imperfect.

I’m ticked at Christianity.
I’m ticked at society.
I’m ticked at myself.
I’m ticked at the expectations that have been placed on me and the expectations that I’ve placed on myself.

‘No one must ever see you stumble’ seems perpetually stamped on my heart. For as much as I can tell you that I struggle, seeing it becomes an entirely different issue.

Two nights ago I was pegged in the back of the head with a water balloon. A half hour later I was pegged square in the chest. Bad luck. I didn’t know how to respond, either. It was that awkward moment where you feel dumb, but you simultaneously want to play it off like it’s no big deal. People are staring… some are laughing, some are gawking, some just don’t care. But I felt like everyone was watching.

Isn’t that life, though?
Something happens… and we fumble through which mask to throw on as we speedily attempt to recover in the most gracious way possible. Sometimes we laugh at ourselves, sometimes we beat ourselves up, sometimes we try to ignore what just happened, sometimes we storm out angrily, sometimes we throw a temper tantrum.

I can’t remember the last time I reacted to something without filtering through a thousand different scenarios of how people might view me if I just reacted the way I wanted to.

Because, when it comes down to it, I’m not very honest with myself because I’m still holding myself to the standard of how others view me.

What if I screamed at the top of my lungs…?
What if I wept uncontrollably…?

…what if I stopped trying to hold it all together and was?

Tonight’s one of those nights.
One of those nights where I’m reminded that there is nothing good in me… and only through Christ have I been redeemed. It’s one of those nights where if I’m really honest with myself, I see that in my weakness He is made strong… and that in His strength, He is more than enough for me.

So maybe if I can bring myself to not only admit that I’m imperfect… but then be willing to let go of this ridiculous standard that I’m trying to hold myself to…

Maybe then I just might be the type of person who is desperate for Jesus… instead of the type of person who is self-righteous and prideful, hiding the reality of who I am behind a mask of someone I can only wish to be.

Which would you rather be?

Honesty blows.
But it’s always better.

So go scream.
Go cry.
Let loose.
And in your weakness, believe that you might just actually be at your very best.

Sometimes everything seems wrong in the world.

Are boys a distraction?

I think when we enter into intense times of ministry we tend to immediately gravitate toward a resilient, ‘YES’.

But, I’ve been wondering lately if that’s this really unhealthy way to view male companionship and even our natural desires to be attracted to one another. What if deterring relationships and romance only serves to be detrimental to us in the long run?

We, as Christians, get so wrapped up in the need to only focus on the Lord that we don’t then know how to cope with a counterpart when they enter into the picture. Suddenly we fear that we’ve created an idol and now it must be sacrificed immediately. Hurry! He’s becoming a distraction… expel him from your life.  You’re thinking about him too much, you’re spending too much time with him, you’re not focused on your job or your ministry or even God because you’ve made this guy out to be the most important thing.

Sure. These things can always be true, but it doesn’t mean they have to be. I think I spent a large portion of my life feeling as there was no alternative though. Feeling like men weren’t an option and that liking men was the wrong thing. Whenever romantic feelings started to develop, guilt would accompany them….and then frustration would bloom. ‘Not again… why can’t I be around godly men and not end up liking one of them or at least thinking about the possibilities of what dating one of them would be like? Why do I always focus on guys and not on the Lord? Why… why… why??‘

And now that I’m older, I just think… ‘DUH!’ Why wouldn’t you like them, or wonder, or try to find out if there was a possibility of something more? Does finding someone else romantically attractive always have to be distraction? Does liking someone always have to be a bad thing? At what point does a relationship become encouraging, inspiring, motivating, life-giving…? At what point do you decide that being with someone might be better than remaining single?

There has to be a balance, right?

I guess I’d like for you to consider your motives. I’d like for you to consider whether or not the romance is really taking away from your greater purpose. Perhaps, if you find yourself changing every routine in life for the sake of getting to be around your crush more, you should cut out the distraction and regain focus.

But, if you’re a woman who is pursuing the Lord wholeheartedly and there just happens to be a man that you find attractive right by your side… I don’t think you need to freak out about him being a distraction. I don’t think you need to manipulate or control or make him your sole reason for existence… but maybe let yourself be open-minded about the possibilities.

You don’t have always have to sacrifice important things in your life.
God still wants to bestow good upon you.
Believe it.

You get to choose whether or not liking a guy becomes a distraction. Liking him, in and of itself, is not. It’s how you think about him, how you act around him, how you treat others (and your responsibilities) that becomes the issue.

Live with integrity. Don’t lose sight of your focus or your purpose. But… heck, let yourself be interested in quality guys. There’s no reason to punish yourself unnecessarily. And if you’re using the whole, ‘I don’t want to be distracted’ as a reason to try and avoid getting hurt… that’s a whole other issue we won’t get into now.

But tonight I won’t sit here and say that boys are a distraction.
There is freedom.
Live wisely in it.

The gong of imperfection strikes again.

‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him’

He is enough.
I am not.
Will I let Him be enough instead of constantly trying to be enough without Him?

Today I’m focused on droning out that small voice within the begs the question of being enough. Today I’m focused on truly letting the Lord be my portion, of admitting when I don’t always have what it takes… and letting Christ redeem, save, heal and transform me.

He must become greater.
I must become less.

Someone left an anonymous note on my desk yesterday: Hold yourself to a standard of grace, not perfection.

It’s been a week full of heightened emotions, spiritual realizations, late nights and lots of laughter. It’s been a week where a bunch of strangers come together, united through one thing, and they learn to get along because they have the same mission in mind. It’s been intense… but it’s been so good.

It’s made me wonder how good I’ve become at leading others through things without going through them myself. As my summer staff has sifted through some big questions and had life-altering realizations…I’ve remained emotionally and spiritually unaffected.

How can that be?

But it makes me think that in a position of leadership, you’re not always afforded the time or the energy to not only process how to better lead a group, but what’s really going on with you internally. In fact, I wonder how many of us can use leadership as escape mechanism. I know I have.

Honestly, it’s probably not exclusive to just leadership… it’s probably inclusive of anything that takes up our time. Busyness becomes an excuse for not processing through emotions, not spending time with Jesus, not spending time in true community.

What are you spending the majority if your time on?
Is it work?
School?
Athletics?

What are you using as a deterrent so you don’t actually have to examine where your heart is? So you don’t have to deal with things that may be hard for you to sift through?

And while you may really have to do all of those things, at what point do we not let it be an excuse for not taking the time or spending the energy on examining where we are really at in the midst of things? I guess the danger lies in the fact that I feel like I can go for long spells where I pour out, where I extend myself, where I work long hours, where I am able to do all the things I’m ‘supposed’ to do… but I actually have no idea how I’m really doing. And when I don’t know how I’m really doing, I live in such a way that is numb or destructive to myself and others.

Think about it.

Making time to know where we’re really at is important… and even as I write these words, I realize that I’ve failed drastically at this. I fear that if I make time, I might crumble under the weight of what lies below the surface… and so I avoid.

But, I need to go there.
Because I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be destroying myself and relationships around me.

It’s time to make more time for examination.

What about you?

I had a friend recently tell me how annoyed she gets by guys deciding that they want a wife and then going out to find the girl who will fit that mold….instead of meeting a girl and deciding that she’s what they want.

I see her point, but I’d have to say that girls have the tendency to do the same thing. We’re all kind of in the same boat here. The difference is that girls, oftentimes, don’t feel as much liberty to go pursuing romantic relationships because we’ve been told to be patient and wait for ‘that guy’ to come around.

I do wonder how much of it’s true though.
How many guys do decide, ‘Hey, I think I could see myself getting married soon….and this is the kind of girl that I want.’ and then they set out to find a girl that matches all of their criteria? I feel like I’ve known a few to think the opposite. They think they’ll probably never get married and are quite content to remain single, but then they meet someone who shatters that vision for their lives.

Mostly, all of this makes me wonder how detrimental planning can be. I know to some degree we have to… but don’t you always feel like anytime you actually make a plan, something goes awry? Don’t you always feel like the more you expect something to go a certain way, the more it goes the opposite of that? At times I feel like I almost bank on that to be the case.

Regardless, this isn’t a subject I can elaborate on much more…since I’m not a guy. Although, I remember always wishing it were different. I remember always wishing that the guys I were friends with would wake up and see that the girl they were in search of wasn’t necessarily what they might need in a life mate. I remember wishing that they could see me as compatible, even if I didn’t necessarily fit their mold.

And it makes me wonder how many guys feel the same way about certain girls- how many guys think that they’re just not enough to be considered for our checklist of the ‘perfect guy’. So maybe we’re all just longing to be noticed by someone else in a way that takes us out of the realm of friendship. And it makes me wonder what are the things that allow us to move into a world of romance and intimacy with someone else.

What is it for you?
Could what you’re looking for be right in front of your face? Could it be your best friend? Could it be a casual acquaintance you haven’t looked at twice because of some dumb, untrue rumor you heard about them?

I don’t know.
I just think that sometimes we miss out on some of the best things…. on some of the best people…simply because they aren’t packaged in the way that we wanted or expected. I can’t help but hope that we would all be willing to open our eyes and allow something different to be a possibility. To allow our plans… and even our ideals… to be different.

I’m not saying forget about standards and things that really matter… but I am saying that oftentimes those things look incredibly different than we think they might.

Open your eyes.
Are you looking for someone who may not even exist, when something great is already right before you?  When that something great might even be perfect for you?

I’ve been working with a group this week and one of the girls keeps saying, ‘Oh God…’ in regard to almost everything.

Her leader’s response is typically, ‘Oh, I didn’t realize we were praying!’ Sometimes the leader will go so far as to get her student to pray in these moments. I honestly think it’s a good exercise and have been appreciative of it.

I don’t really know how to handle it when other believers take the Lord’s name in vain. It’s one of those things that makes me cringe more than any other–the way that we’ve latched onto phrases that allow us to mutter ‘God’ or ‘Jesus Christ’ under our breath when something bad has happened. Are we really directing that toward Him… or has the name of the great I Am literally become a curse word? Sometimes it’s more of an exclamation, a claim of disbelief. It seems to take on various meanings, depending on context.

It’s interesting because back in the day, devout Jews wouldn’t even utter the name of God because it was so holy it would be considered blasphemy… and now we toss His name around without thinking twice about it.

Some might argue that because the actual word ‘God’ is not the name of God it’s not considered taking the Lord’s name in vain.

The people of Israel were so in awe of the name of God that they did not put the vowels into the words or say them to keep from accidentally blaspheming. YHWH comes out in English as Yahweh, or more popularly (but less accurate) as Jehovah.   -Kevin Corbin 

I get this argument. Because we’re not walking around saying ‘Oh Yahweh’ when we stub our toe… maybe it’s not so wrong after all?

I’d still argue it though. I’d argue it because the phrases consist of the names most of us in America commonly use for Him. They are the names He is known by here. God. Lord. Christ. Even the word ‘holy’ has a lot of uses for it now that don’t actually mean holy (watch some Batman, if you don’t believe me).

I struggle with this one a lot though… I struggle because it’s a hard one for me to confront. I hate having to tell people who I know love the Lord dearly that they are, in fact, using the Lord’s name in vain. Lots of times they don’t even realize it… and lots of times it’s become so much of a habit that it’s pointless… and every once in a while I get the ‘it doesn’t matter, because I’m not actually taking the Lord’s name in vain’ stance.

Sometimes I feel crazy for caring…but for whatever reason I feel like this matters. No, it’s not going to determine our salvation. And maybe it equates to us using all sorts of words/phrases in vain. We very clearly are a people who are quick to make promises to pray for someone (and then don’t) or to assure others that the Lord told us something (even if we know He didn’t). Lots of jargon, lots of lingo… all used in vain.

I don’t know.
I just know there’s a higher calling in our lives. I know there’s a greater purpose.
Maybe you think it matters… maybe you don’t.

You tell me…
Curious to hear your thoughts on this one.