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The comment:

How do you tactfully let a guy who’s probably interested know that you’re not interested? If they haven’t brought it up explicitly it would seem weird to bring it up, but also I don’t want to lead them on.

I am the absolute worst at ignoring people so… I hope there is another way.

Like.. what do you say when a guy says, “Let’s talk about you. You’re my favorite topic.” How the heck do you respond to that when you’re not interested??? (which by the way.. that moment has long passed)

I feel really guilty knowing that I might accidentally be leading guys on.

Oh, what a fun topic we have here!
I’d hate to say it, but there’s probably not one generic answer to this problem. Different things need to happen based on who he is, the relationship/friendship you have with him, and who you are.

Ignoring doesn’t have to be your first solution (not yet, anyway…you may eventually have to go there, though).

First of all- let’s look at who YOU are. How do you typically interact with others? What’s your personality like? Instead of doing something that’s within a textbook answer of ‘how to tell a guy you’re not interested’, I think it’s valuable to look at yourself, how you communicate best with others, and to cater to your strengths as you go about this. You may have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone, but I think it’s important to know where your comfort zone begins and ends.

Now- take a look at your current relationship with this person. Is he a friend? An acquaintance? To what degree have you shared your lives/hearts with each other? Is he a confidant in any regard…or is he simply a guy who found you attractive and began the pursuit, but you’ve been a bit distant from the get-go because you weren’t ever interested? Understanding your relationship with him is going to be key as well as you attempt to communicate a lack of interest in anything beyond friendship.

Do you even want to salvage a friendship, or would you really just prefer to leave it on the acquaintance level? Know what you want, know what you think is most beneficial–and know that you don’t always get what you want. You may be giving up an incredible friend because you can’t date him, and you have to be okay with that. He might not be ready to keep up a friendship with you if he can’t date you. Understand that it might be hard for him and you need to give him time and space to heal and lick his wounds.

Finally- evaluate who he is. This may be hard if you don’t know him very well, but hopefully you’ll know if he’s the type of guy who appreciates full-fledged honesty or if he likes things a bit sugarcoated. Hopefully you’ll know if he’s the type of guy who isn’t going to fully grasp what you’re saying unless you start ignoring him, or if he’s capable of hearing your words and maintaining a friendship without hope for more.

And, when it comes down to it, you’ll simply have to do something you don’t like/want to do: let him know you simply aren’t interested. If you haven’t talked about it, you don’t need to tell him you’re not interested. He’ll eventually pick up on it if you distance yourself from the situation. You don’t need to ignore him, but (depending on all those things above) you can respond less frequently, you can answer questions without asking a question back, you can make sure you’re only hanging out in group settings. He’ll get the picture.

If he’s still not, you may need to start ignoring him altogether. Honestly, at that point, it’s ridiculous that he hasn’t said anything to you about his feelings for you thus far and if he’s not going to bring it up, there’s no reason that you should have to bring it up. Plus you run the risk of rejecting someone who might claim to not even be interested in you at all, and then you feel quite dumb (no, I’ve never done it, but I had someone do it to me when I wasn’t actually interested in them and it was quite demeaning).

If you simply can’t stand the thought of ignoring him, feel free to say things along the lines of, ‘I think we should text/hang out/talk/email less’. You’re not accusing him of having feelings for you, but you’re making it very obvious that you want communication to decrease.

Oh, and when he says ridiculously things like, ‘You’re my favorite topic’–don’t say anything back that would encourage more statements like that. Here’s when knowing yourself comes in handy. I’d probably say something sarcastic or awkward…but something that would definitely communicate, ‘I’m uncomfortable with what you said and I don’t want you to say anything like it again’. Some might simply be that brutally honest. Know yourself and be willing to respond in such a way that discourages further comments like that!

Be bold out there.
If you really don’t want to lead him on, don’t.
And don’t be that girl who says she doesn’t want to, but secretly does because it’s nice to have the attention (yes, I’ve been that girl before, too). Follow through with what you say, even if it means ‘being mean’. He’ll appreciate it in the long run, especially if he literally has no chance with you.

You’ve got this!

I think, oftentimes, that we’re desperate.

Desperate for what…?
It depends.
I’d venture to say that it most commonly falls within the realm of companionship. It’s pretty funny to see the statistics on my blog and how much more they increase when a topic has to do with love, dating, sex, relationships, etc. etc. We’re desperate.

We’re desperate to know the answers.
We’re desperate to know how to make a relationship work, how to act within a relationship, what boundaries to set, how to love well, how to get someone to love us in return. We’re desperate to be desirable to the opposite sex, we’re desperate to not be lonely any longer, we’re desperate for all of our ‘dreams’ to come true. We’re desperate.

We feel hopeless and it leads to despair.
Our minds are raided and we’re left thinking that we’ll never meet anyone for 5 million different reasons. We’re left thinking that we are too messed up to ever be in a relationship. We’re left thinking that no one would ever want us. We’re left thinking that our lives could never look different.

This is what matters to most of us, more than anything else.
Sometimes I think we lie when we say it’s not.
We want to find love.
It’s why we watch the movies we watch, it why we make the decisions that we make. It’s why, when we are finally in a relationship, our world often gets completely wrapped up in it and we forget that other people also exist.

I’ve watched people lose themselves in relationships, I’ve watched them be all consumed… and then I’ve watched them be completely devastated when said relationship doesn’t work out.

Because we are desperate, we believe that these relationships (when successful) will fill the void.
But what if our desperation is misplaced? What if, no matter how perfect your relationships might be, you’re still lonely, or insecure, or desperate for more?

There’s a worship song that most of us have been singing for years and I get frustrated by it. Aside from the repetition and the slowness of it, I don’t think we really grasp what it means to be desperate for the Lord…. because we’re too focused on being desperate for things of this world.

Desperate: feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with. 

We know how to be desperate with our loneliness… but do we know how to be desperate for Jesus? Truly desperate? And I realize it’s probably not a learned thing, but more of a realization that He is what matters and that without Him, we truly are hopeless. Or, do we find glimmers of hope in other things… like the possibility of a date?

I’m guilty.
There are moments when I truly realize my depravity, but I’d say the large majority of the time, my desperation is geared toward everything but my need for Jesus.

I had a friend tell me once that he wanted to be desperate for Jesus- to know what they really meant. I understand that now. I want it to. I need to know how much I need Him… all the time. I need to stop being desperate for other things.

What are you desperate for?
Truly and honestly….?
Be willing to go there with yourself.
And maybe you’re in a place of realizing how desperate you are of the saving grace of Jesus Christ, but if you’re not… maybe you want to go there with me now.

May we be a people who don’t easily forget just how truly desperate we are for Him, and may our hope stem from Him and the life that He offers. May everything else not be the things that we hope for or hope in… but just things we get to experience/enjoy on this side of eternity.

The comment:

I’ve set boundaries in my previous relationships with guys, but they never seem to work out. I, well we, usually push our limits and the next thing I know we’ve gone passed our “set” boundary. This leaves me sleepless feeling so guilty and sinful. Things in the past can’t be changed, that is so hard. Is there still hope for a second chance? What can i do to see I don’t find myself in this predicament again? 

There’s always hope for a second chance. I wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t.

Sexual boundaries are always a fun topic- we all want to know as much as we can about sex, we want to know how far we can go before it’s ‘too’ far, and we want to have the freedom to do it without the guilt that quickly accompanies it.

My answer for you is pretty simple…but it doesn’t make it any easier.

You get to choose.
That’s really all there is to it. In any moment, with any guy, you are ultimately choosing what you want. You get to choose whether or not you put yourself in situations that you know you’ll have a hard time saying no in. You get to choose if you actually stick to the boundaries that you’ve established with your boyfriend/girlfriend. You get to choose how you respond if you ‘mess up’ and how you proceed from there.

Things that can help? Finding someone who has similar values as you in this particular arena is very beneficial. If he/she honestly wants to remain within the boundaries that have been set, accomplishing this will be easier if they are actually on board. If they say that they are, but are teasing, tempting and pushing the limits constantly, they might not have been that honest with you in the first place.

I’ve also found, in my experiences, that the more you frequent places of sexual temptation, the more tempted you’ll be. Meaning, the more often you make out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, the more likely it is that you’ll want to do it more and the more likely it is that you’ll push the limits. I realized that in past relationships where physical limits were stretched too thin, it was the relationships where our alone time was spent wrapped up in each other’s arms. It was all I thought about during the day… when the next time I could be in his arms was going to be.

On the contrary, there have been more recent relationships where the physical aspect was a much rarer occurrence. It seemed that the rarity allowed for our relationship to blossom in other ways because thoughts of sex weren’t all-consuming. Every time we were alone it wasn’t with the goal of getting all close and personal– there was something much deeper to our relationship than that.

Accountability is always a helpful thing– going to places where you know others will be. Don’t invite him/her over when you know you’re home alone for the night. Choose to go to his place instead, where his roommates are. Ultimately, if you want to be alone with them because you want to make out with them, you’re going to find a way.

And this is where it always comes down to you choosing.

Trust me…I’ve definitely been in the boat where I didn’t care because I wanted to make out and so I made bad decisions. But, I didn’t have to… I just wanted to. I’ve also been in the boat where I’ve chosen what was good. And it’s better. It really, really is.

It’s possible.
The Lord doesn’t tempt you… and there’s always a way out… if you want to take it. I think there’s always a problem with not really wanting the way out.

So, you get to decide it’s worth it.
Decide that purity matters to you…and then live in it.
Decide that you’re going to believe God is full of grace and second chances…and then live in it.
And, if you don’t want purity right now…?
I pray that you would want it… heck, I even pray that you would want to want it.

And then be a person who stands firm in what you believe, no matter what.

It is possible. 

I feel like I roll my eyes at Christianity a lot. Maybe sometimes it’s actually more of a cringing that occurs. 

1.     Following our Dreams
2.     Sharing the Gospel 

1.     What are your dreams/passions?
2.     What are you doing about them?
3.     If you don’t have dreams/passions, why do you think that is?
4.     How does the gospel fit into you dreams/passions? Or, better yet, how do your dreams/passions fit into the gospel?  

–do you avoid?
–do you run?
–do you pretend you never wanted it in the first place?
–do you get angry?
–do you believe that God has ‘shut a door’?

Today I remembered a conversation a few of my counselors were having at the beginning of the summer. It was a terribly disjointed conversation as they attempted to accomplish a group development piece together. So, in between long silences and trying to achieve their goal, I only caught bits and pieces of what was actually being said.

Here’s what I recall:

Guy: (rather incredulously) Wait, you mean that a girl wakes up one morning and thinks that she looks good…but then the next morning she wakes up and suddenly thinks that she’s fat and ugly?!
Girl: Yeah! …Guys don’t do that?
Guy: No… 

It was a hilarious conversation to eavesdrop on as more and more girls chimed in, trying to get the males in the group to understand their thought process. It was a lost cause. As more people became involved in the discussion, there was a resounding agreement that men feel pretty consistently the same about themselves each morning and think it’s ludicrous that a woman will change how she feels about herself on a day-to-day basis.

And we wonder why we struggle to communicate between genders…

It’s pretty crazy, though. As a woman, I could definitely identify with this day-to-day struggle. Shoot, I might even admit that it’s a ‘within-each-day’ struggle as I leave my house feeling pretty fly, go to work, catch a glimpse of myself in a different mirror and realize how atrocious I actually look. It was actually quite surprising to hear the echo of men who don’t have that happen to them. I probably thought it was this natural thing we all dealt with. Turns out it might just be more of a female thing…

Interesting.
So while I can laugh at this conversation and how/when it all transpired, I don’t want to downplay the severity of what this really means for us women.

It means we’re crazy. Seriously.
Think about it.

Between yesterday and today what changed about you? Between today and tomorrow what will change about you? How much of the things that you see in the mirror are actually things that we’re making up in our heads?

I bet you didn’t gain 10 pounds overnight. I bet you didn’t develop giant bags underneath your eyes in a few hours (unless you cried and cried and cried- and even then, it’s temporary). I bet your hair doesn’t really look as different as you might think. I bet that zit isn’t as red, those wrinkles aren’t any more noticeable, those gray hairs don’t stick out more than they did yesterday.

So why do we operate within that mentality? Why do we allow for those to be the things that dictate how we feel about ourselves? Why does it even matter?

I’d like to challenge us all to step into the truth about who we are, versus the roller coaster of emotions that typically determine our view of ourselves. And while we can talk a ton about inner beauty and depth within, I also think there’s a certain level of necessity to being okay with who we are on the outside… a certain healthiness that comes with even liking what we look like and how we are created.

Instead of allowing ourselves to wallow in self-pity because we’re convinced we became obese overnight, I want us to walk freely into what reality and truth tell us. Or, be willing to own up to the fact that sometimes you might have a bad hair day and it doesn’t define how anyone else views you, let alone how you should see yourself.

Reality? You (unless you did something extreme to your appearance) probably look exactly the same as you did yesterday. Truth? You are infinitely more than your external appearance.

Claim it.
And so even if I don’t have the solution to not even having the ridiculous change of thoughts/emotions on a day-to-day basis…I think there’s a lot to learn as we seek to choose to believe truth even when our emotions are telling us something completely opposite.

I pray that today you would be content with what you look like–that you wouldn’t be consumed by it…and that you would move on to something deeper and more meaningful. Someone will be much more turned off by your heart than they will your perfect curls if you’ve spent the majority of your life only trying to perfect the outside.

So regardless of if your opinion of how you look changes on that day-to-day basis… I urge you to walk steady, being the consistent woman of love and integrity that you desire to be.

Because that matters.
That’s what changes lives.

Have you ever resigned yourself to something?

You know… resigned. Given up, conceded defeat, accepted that something undesirable could not be avoided?

I have. In quite a few things, actually.
I misunderstood what I was doing and while I thought I was merely being a realist, I was, in fact, resigning myself to a worse fate.

It happens with habits a lot.
I often resign myself to the fact that I’ll never change certain things. One of my more recent ones was biting my nails. I’ve literally chewed on my fingernails for the greater majority of my life, thinking it would be an impossibility to ever maintain anything other than my stubby, gnawed-on nails. One day I decided to stop. For whatever reason, unlike any other time before, the drive to stop became greater than my desire to chew. Success.

Was it really that easy? Kind of.

It happened even more recently with my weight.
I had gotten to the point in life where I had resigned myself to the fact that I was only going to gain weight from here on out. It wouldn’t matter what diet I did, how much I exercised, how much I cared… my size would only increase. It seemed inevitable.

It wasn’t until my my ‘big’ pants starting fitting tighter, that I realized that one of two things needed to happen: I either needed to lose weight or buy new clothes. The former seemed cheaper. For whatever reason, unlike any other time before, the desire to lose weight became greater than my desire to eat uncontrollable amounts of food. Success.

Was it really that easy? Kind of.

While these are very external, shallow things, it’s made me realize how much we settle for less than what we truly hope for. It’s made me realize that more is attainable through self-discipline and self-control. It’s made me realize the value of allowing ourselves to hope for better than what we’ve resigned ourselves to, to make changes, and to watch dreams become reality.

This mentality has extended into other areas of life that I formerly felt defeated in. It’s extended to relationships, to faith, to future plans: the impossible seems more realistic than ever before. I don’t have to resign myself to anything anymore. There truly is hope, because I’ve now experienced it in a way I never have before.

I mostly just want to encourage you that it can happen for you, too. That there really is a reason to hope. There is a chance that things can be different. You don’t have to resign yourself to worse fate than what you desire. You can change. You can be different. The seemingly impossible is more attainable than you might ever imagine!

I don’t want to carry the tune of some motivational speaker that drones on with the ‘you can do it’ chant of self-help. I just need you to know that whatever ‘it’ is for you doesn’t have to be that way. Whether it’s an addiction, or hopelessness, or an eating disorder, or relational trauma, or identity struggles…there’s this balance between being truly okay with who we are at the core, but then still striving for the better.

I think, for the first time in a long time, I just feel content with who I really am…but, I’m still chasing dreams and goals–knowing that those aren’t the things that define me, but they’re still good. There’s a joy to be found that wasn’t there before. There’s a greater trust in a God who is so faithful to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine… and I want to hold Him to it.

So- don’t resign yourself to anything.
You can do more than you think.
Be determined.
Seek self-discipline and self-control. Pray fervently that that fruit of the Spirit would captivate you as you move forward in a world of hope and transformation.

It exists.
I promise.

The end of a camp experience usually brings about a flood of emotional goodbyes as we attempt to say all the things we’re not sure we’ll ever have the chance to say again. It’s as if these final moments before departure are the only seconds we are promised and we want to exist in a world of no regrets…we never want to look back and think, ‘I wish I would have told him/her this…’

I know I experienced it just a few days ago. As my summer staff departed, I wanted them to leave the summer knowing that it had been, indeed, a job well done. I fumbled over words as I tried to convey the depth of my gratitude for their hard work, longing for them to know that they mattered and that everything they sacrificed this summer was worth it. I needed them to know that they were truly cared about.

Not too surprisingly, the gesture was often returned. I found myself receiving many a praise and thanks from my staff…and I found myself nodding and smiling as they lavished words of kindness and blessings upon me.

Per usual, I felt each word knock against the door of my heart and slowly drip into a puddle at the doorstep, patiently waiting to enter. ‘Not now’, always seems to be the response I give. It’s not time to receive these things, it’s not time for them to be allowed in. It’s not time because I’m not sure if they are true, if they are real, if they are genuine.

For a split second (and for the first time in a long time), I allowed myself to wonder what if…
What if these things that they are saying are true? What if they are genuine? What if…? And as this questioned penetrated my mind, I felt myself slowly losing control. I felt the sobs that were burrowed underneath begin to rise up, I felt the puddle at the doorstep begin to seep into the tiny crack in the just barely opened door as the words attempted to penetrate my heart.

SLAM!

It wasn’t time.

So while I haven’t exactly opened the door to the floodgate of good, encouraging things that await me…I’ve realized a few things about myself.

• I haven’t gotten any better at receiving things from others (which means I’m probably not that great at receiving them from the Lord, either).
• I’m terrified of what it means to really believe that people think these things. 

I could probably use your help as I jump back into the blogosphere post summer. I could probably use your help as I take my finger off the ‘pause’ button of blogging and hesitantly settle my finger over ‘play’. It’s time.

I don’t know if it’s the long hours, the contradicting emotions presenting themselves behind every corner, the lack of sleep, or simply a case of writer’s block…but my thoughts feel disconnected and scattered.

I saw some sweet things this summer, and was a part of God moving in some big ways. People left camp different than they came–whether they were campers, group leaders or summer staff. I’m still sorting through the ways my own faith was challenged and stretched and what that means for me as I leave this place. I’m still sorting through the questions, conversations and words that were shared as we strove for excellence and over-exceeded the limits of what was humanly possible. I’m still sorting through what was good and honoring to the Lord and how to continually push further into those things instead of things that only gratify my flesh.

So, in the process of sorting…I’m not sure where that leaves me in terms of writing.

This is where you come in!
I’d love to hear your questions, thoughts, struggles as I resume where I left off in May. I’d love your input on the things you want to read about and things you need to process through.

Mostly, I don’t want to be caught up in writing things that only pertain to my thoughts/feelings as I go through this big transition in life. It’s bound to get repetitive and boring. I’d like to write about the things that you want to read about…things that inspire you, motivate you and bring you to a better place. Things that remind you that we exist in a world of second chances.

What is it for you?
What’s on your heart lately?
What questions plague you?
What things do you struggle believing?
What’s been bothering you about yourself/others?
Why do you currently feel hopeless?
What do you wish were different about yourself or your circumstances?
What sin are you entangled in?
Who has hurt you lately?
What are you running from… and why?

I want to dive back into this dialogue with each of you, but I’ll need your help to get there. Feel free to comment below or, like always, send your stuff to alwayssecondchances@gmail.com

Can’t wait to explore the unknown with you this fall.
I hope you’re willing to go to uncharted territory with me– ’cause I plan on being more brutally honest and open than ever before. So…  are you ready?

I’m pushing ‘play’.