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‘Are you SO excited?!?’

It’s those leading type of questions that are always awkward to respond to when your immediate answer isn’t an exhilarated ‘YES!’ Or, when it’s the opposite type of question… like the time a friend of mine and I got our hair cut over the same weekend, were walking together and someone said, ‘Oh! You both got your hair cut! …do you hate it?’  Err… should we hate it?

Should I be SO excited?
What if I say I’m not…?

If you’re not caught up to speed on my current life situation, the most pressing news is that I’m going to Africa. Tomorrow.

I can hear the squeals now, followed by a, ‘Are you so excited?!?’ Because that’s the typical response…and it’s not a bad response. I’m thankful that you’re so excited for me…but sometimes I think I only get SO excited about food.

But, really…here’s where I’m at:
Leading up to this trip, I feel like all I can think about is how uncomfortable I’m going to be. Because, in any trip I’ve ever taken out of the country, that’s always the word that can sum up the whole trip. It’s uncomfortable physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And uncomfortable isn’t bad… but it’s still uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable isn’t something I look forward to, and it’s probably not something that I’m SO excited about. But… is this something that I know is worth it? Absolutely. Is this something that I’m glad I’m doing and honored to be a part of? One hundred percent. Will it be easy? It doesn’t feel easy so far, and I haven’t even left American soil yet.

The cool thing is that I have an email sitting in my inbox from a man in India who I partnered with two and a half years ago as we went from hut to hut sharing the Gospel with anyone who would listen. The cool thing is that I just edited and modified a newsletter for a woman in Costa Rica that I had the opportunity to work closely with for three and a half weeks a couple years back.

Moa and Ana both remind me that trips like these are worth it. They remind me, even beyond a short-term mission trip, that the relationships built and the impact made can truly be lasting. They remind me that I can join in personally with brothers and sisters in other parts of the world and how much more meaningful it is to know them versus only know of them. I am blessed by these relationships…by these friendships, even if I never get to see them again on this earth.

My trip tomorrow still feels surreal. My bag is mostly packed, and I’m not really taking much. I’ll fly from Boston to Amsterdam tomorrow evening and (hopefully) meet up with the rest of my team there. I know this trip will be good…and I know the opportunities that we have will be incredible. I know I’ll see things I’ve never seen before (did I mention we’re hosting a kid’s camp along the Nile River??), I know my heart will be crushed by the heartache of these kids with no families… but I long to bring them hope.

kids at the Amazing Grace Children’s Home!

As I prepare to lead Ugandan girls through discussions about godly beauty and adoption, in addition to finding games and group development pieces that are cross-cultural…I pray that the Holy Spirit would be our guide and that we would cross barriers in order to penetrate the hearts of those who need Jesus Christ. As I stay in a tent with a few of these girls each night, I pray that I would be willing to dive in deep…but also willing to laugh and simply love who the Lord has created them to be. I pray that these children, these youth, these teenagers, these early twenty-year-olds would know that they are loved by the King.

Would you pray for me and with me in this journey?
Would you pray that, even though uncomfortable, that this trip would never be about me? That I would always have eyes to see the ways people are in need and that I would tend to those needs quickly and quietly? Would you pray that the Lord would utilize my strengths and that I would not be afraid to share those with others? Would you pray that I would trust Him to be strong in my weakness? Would you pray that, above all else, that the Lord would truly be glorified? That many might come to know Him? That He would heal, save and redeem? That He would bring hope to the hopeless and joy to those who mourn?

I’m not SO excited.
But I am ready (as ready as I’ll ever be)…and I am expecting God to show up. And that moves me into a place of ‘let’s do this’ (Rocky-theme style) more than a place of giddy school-girl giggles and jumping up and down style. Maybe it’s just semantics.

Either way… you won’t be hearing from me for a while.

So, while I’m gone… you should do the following:

• Pray for me/my team/all those we’ll be interacting with.
• Send me anything and everything you could possibly want me to write about upon my return (like, I’d love it if my inbox were full when I got back). 
• Let me know about your life and how you really are… because you matter, and what you’re dealing with matters (you can do this anonymously by clicking on the link below). 
• Be courageous and brave.
• Play.
• Remember what matters. 

Nike was onto something when they developed their world-famous mantra.

Just Do It.

I actually think I subconsciously adopted the motto without realizing it…only mine sounded a bit more like, ‘I’m just gonna do it…‘

My eldest brother and I had a conversation last night about what life would look like without fear and how much fear affects the entirety of our being. He made a lot of good points (he’s real wise) about what it would look like to do whatever we wanted to if fear wasn’t a factor. That being brave or courageous has everything to do with fear existing and us still doing what we long to regardless. That the presence of fear deters us from doing the very things we are called to do, passionate about, created to do…and it often changes everything for us because we are driven by the fear, instead of forging through the fear into something greater. And then he said, ‘That’s kind of what you’re doing right now.’

Hold up.
Me…? …brave? …courageous?
It’s kind of laughable.

But, I’ve been thinking about it… (of course).
It’s true that my life is currently riddled with scary junk and the constant fears of the unknown. And as I’ve taken steps toward new and different things, I realized that my attitude hasn’t been one of ‘No Fear’ (I suppose this post is all about clothing brands).

By that, I mean that my focus hasn’t been consumed by longings to not be afraid…because I think my reality is that some things are just going to be scary. I can’t change that. Leaving everything behind and attempting to start over will do that to you. Leaving everything behind in a weird camp setting and starting over in the ‘real world’ seems to enhance those fears even more. I can easily nestle into a world of ‘what-ifs’ and worst-case-scenarios and suddenly the fears become crippling. This is where Nike comes in. Instead of trying to push away all these fears, I think lately I’ve kind of moved toward a, ‘Oh well…I’m just gonna do it‘.

Come into my mind with me for a moment:
I’m going to Africa in a few days. If I think about it too long, my mind can go crazy with all the possibilities of what could go wrong: missing flight connections, not finding team members, crashing in the Atlantic, getting attacked, having things stolen, getting malaria, losing my underwear (it’s happened before), failing at leading a completely different culture through a camp experience….you name it, and I’ve probably considered it. Conclusion? ‘Oh well… I’m just gonna do it’.

I’m moving to new place, starting grad school and I barely know anyone. Will I find friends, will I find purpose, will I find a job, will I make enough money to cover necessary expenses, will I fail in the academic world, am I too socially awkward to communicate with normal people now? ‘Oh well…I’m just gonna do it‘.

So rather than letting the fear paralyze me, I suppose I’m forging through the fear.
It’s risky and it’s unknown, but I’m not too worried about it. At some point, the thousands of things that could go wrong, the thousands of what-ifs, the thousands of excuses and reasons to not do something… they are no longer the deciding factors any more.

Just do it.
Whatever it is you are called to, whatever it is you are passionate about, whatever your dreams are…whatever the Lord asks you to do.. do it. There’s no reason good enough to not do it. Don’t get so consumed with praying against the fear existing…but, instead, pray that you would walk bravely and courageously through the fear, proclaiming that in the name of Jesus it has no hold on you.

I also think that maybe too often we get caught up in being frustrated with ourselves that we’re scared and thinking that we shouldn’t be…and then all of our attention turns to attempting to extract the fear from our lives. It seems to become a distraction from simply doing what we were trying to do in the first place. And I think that once we just start doing the things we were scared of, we realize that they actually aren’t that scary at all…that maybe we were more ready than we realized. We find ourselves living out the adventure instead of being where we were, scared of everything the adventure might entail.

Don’t focus on living a life of ‘No Fear’. Just Do It. Do life…live life. To the fullest!
Push through the fear, because it will exist…. but don’t let it define you, don’t let it alter your course, don’t let it cripple you.

Do what you were made to do…in the little things and the big things.
Be brave and courageous in the presence of the fear, and trust that you’re not alone in the journey.

It’s worth it.
I promise.

‘Why did you finally decide to leave camp?’

I played today.

I swung on a swing, attempted to flip on bars and scurried across monkey bars. I felt like a giant in the process, and I forgot how much monkey bars rip the skin off your palms… but it was fun. I was alone in a small little playground and I played.

When’s the last time you did that?

this guy was one of my favorites back in the day…

I was there for less than 15 minutes and while I eyeballed the other pieces of plastic playground equipment (they don’t make ’em like they used to), I was sure that I was definitely more likely to break them than enjoy them, especially without a partner in crime. Remember when playgrounds used to occupy our attention for hours upon hours? Remember how, when it was time to leave, we still begged for one more time on the slide or one more dash through the tunnels?

Today reminded me of another day in college where I had driven out to a big lake/park outside town to have some alone time. There was a playground there. I remember needing to get away from the stresses of college life…tests, papers, relationships, extracurricular obligations and just take a time-out. I didn’t expect to play, although it’s exactly what I ended up doing.

It feels a bit ridiculous to play when you’re an adult. Especially when you’re by yourself.
But sometimes I think it’s necessary.
I think it’s good for us to remember what it’s like to be a kid.
There’s a shamelessness to it.
There’s a joy to it.
There’s a hope.

There’s a peace in letting go and just letting yourself play. Letting yourself enjoy the moment without getting too caught up in the millions of other things that are on your mind, the thousands of things that you have yet to do. And there’s a freedom that comes in not caring what anyone else thinks when you do decide to play.

If you’re ever alone and you come across a swing set or a playground and you feel the gentle prodding of, Play…I hope you do it. I hope you play. Embrace your inner kid. Maybe that doesn’t mean playing in a playground, but maybe it could mean coloring in a coloring book, painting with finger paint, building a fort, singing made-up lyrics at the top of your lungs, dancing like a fool (I’m quite sure I gave myself whiplash once from head-banging to some rocker music alone in my room…and I wasn’t a teenager).

I hope you breathe in the simplicity of it.
I hope, as you play, you remember the hope that you have…that you would remember what you find true joy in. That as you play, you allow the complexities of life to fade away, even if only for a moment, and you seize the fullness of the sincere and uncomplicated faith of a child.

It may just be a day-changer for you. It may just put a lot of things into perspective for you.

So, what are you waiting for..?
Play. 

They thought Jesus was a sinner.

I think I probably would have thought so, too.

Wouldn’t you?
This man comes in and defies everything they’ve known about what it means to be a Jew. He defies laws, he defies religion…he challenges their authority, he challenges their interpretations, he does things they’ve never before witnessed.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what that would look like for us today. Christians adhering to a strict moral code, judging all others who do it differently than us. We are right, they are wrong. As much as we don’t like to admit it it, I think, at least for me, that’s kind of how we view it. That’s kind of how we live life. Striving for holiness and perfection…and that strife soon becomes a list of dos and don’ts. When anyone else strays from our interpretation of what that means, they are automatically wrong/sinners.

Jesus healed a man born of blindness on the Sabbath. Some of the Pharisees said, ‘This man is not from God, for he does not keep the Sabbath.’

What if Jesus came and healed, if he raised the dead, if he multiplied food, if he turned water to wine today? What would we say? I imagine, especially if He turned water to wine, that a lot of Christians would have a lot to say about that… and how He could not possibly be from God.

And sure, I know that culturally it’s different and we can make those type of arguments all day long…
but I’m wondering if I’m the kind of Christian who is open-minded enough to allow Jesus to come and to do His thing and to simply follow and believe without judging, without condemnation, without fear, without skepticism, without doubt. Or I wonder if I’m the kind of Christian who would be exactly like the Pharisees.

Because, unfortunately, I think I am. And I bet a lot of you are, too.
We’re so accustomed to what we’ve come to know as right and wrong, good and bad…but there’s a large part of me, when I read Scripture, that makes me think that we don’t really know. And what we think we know? I honestly believe Jesus could come and do it all radically different.

The Jesus that I’ve been trying to follow my whole life doesn’t seem to be the Jesus that I read about in Scripture. The Jesus in Scripture is the giver of abundant life, He is healer, He is savior… and yet I feel that sometimes I’m following a Jesus of rules, guidelines, and strict religion. As much as we are a generation of believers who long to disregard religion and simply be followers of Jesus… I don’t feel very successful in that endeavor.

I don’t know how to separate the two. Because being a Christian means both striving for a life of purity and holiness and simultaneously receiving Christ’s grace, love and mercy every day because nothing I can do can ever save me. I don’t know how to strive for this holiness without quickly turning into a Pharisee. I don’t know how to maintain the balance. I don’t know how to allow for Jesus to do radical things in me and through people around me, to remain open-minded to Him coming and doing things different than I ever thought possible… and then also allow things those to be okay when they may be the very things I thought were sin or breaking the ‘law’.

I don’t know how to let Jesus come and heal the blind when He’s breaking the law while He does it.
Because what does that say about the law? And what does that say about sin? Or…what I’ve always thought sin to be?

But maybe that’s the point.
Maybe the things we thought were black and white sin….maybe they’re not always so black and white. Maybe, in my striving for purity and holiness, I can’t ever let it be about dos and don’ts and right and wrong. Maybe there’s something fuller that I’ve been missing out on…. something deeper.

‘Cause I don’t want to be a Pharisee.
I don’t want to miss out on following the real Jesus.
Because I’ve been religious my whole life… and I’m unsatisfied. I’m truly unsatisfied because I don’t think I’ve allowed the real Jesus to penetrate my heart. I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to really follow Him. And part of that is because I don’t know how.

This remains unsolved for me for now.
My prayer today is that I would be open-minded and open-hearted enough for Jesus (the Jesus who went against all pre-conceived notions of what the Savior of the world would be) to show me who He really is and what it means to really follow Him. I think I’m willing to admit that it could look different for each of us. I think I see that in the way Jesus responds to various individuals throughout the Gospel.

I’m weary of not ever feeling good enough, of not ever believing enough, of not ever doing enough. I’m weary of religion.
Jesus came to give life…a whole life.
And that’s not the life I’ve been living.

I’m not sure if any of that made sense… but it’s where I’m at.
Where’s the balance…? How do you strive for holiness/purity without losing yourself in the legalism and forgetting the Gospel?
Thoughts?

I have a love-hate relationship with holidays.

As much as I can be thankful for things and appreciate all the good stuff going on and genuinely love so many aspects of them, there’s an element of sorrow that accompanies each day of celebration and family fun. I can’t avoid the feelings of loneliness that always seem to surface, and I can’t seem to escape the ‘shoulds’.

On a day where you ‘should’ be surrounded by the people you love and care about the most, there’s always a void when those people aren’t there…or simply don’t exist yet. Holidays make me miss ex-boyfriends. They make me ever-aware of my singleness…especially as I’m always the fifth wheel (or, in my family’s case… the 9th wheel).

It’s a sad, pathetic story… I know. It’s probably one that some of you aren’t too unfamiliar with yourself. Only, I’m blogging about it for the world to see which makes me feel especially pathetic. I’m blogging about it, assuming (or hoping) that you might also have a love-hate relationship with holidays.

As much as they can be a reminder of what we have, I fear that they also remind us of what we do not have. Sometimes it reminds us that our families are broken. Sometimes it reminds us of those who have hurt us deeply. Sometimes it reminds us that we are alone.

I talked to a friend briefly yesterday whose parent’s are recently separated. Two separate Thanksgivings after being accustomed to one…. not two because of having to split between in-laws due to the joys of marriage. Holidays can become a source of a pain, a reminder that once was no longer is. For my friend, I felt the pang of the love-hate relationship with this holiday…aware that my loneliness and singleness was a far cry from the hurt being experienced in the wounds of separation.

I know this isn’t unfamiliar territory for many of you… many of you who have been dealing with this split for a lot of your lives. And I’ve been wondering if one of the reasons we love holidays so much is because of the hope that it embodies for us. That there’s this captivating feeling that surrounds them…maybe our parents will get back together, maybe our families will be reconciled, maybe our ex’s will want us back, maybe we will meet someone new, maybe the voids/hurts/pains that shouldn’t be there will suddenly be erased and all will be made new.

There’s something magical about holidays. Or, at least I want there to be something magical about them. And sometimes, I think our excitement for the holidays is this misplaced hope. We get more excited about reunions with family and friends than we do the real meaning behind them…sometimes I’m not even sure we care about the meaning behind them. I mean… Thanksgiving? What are we really celebrating here?

Mostly I just want to acknowledge that sometimes holidays suck. And as much as we put our happy faces on and spew out the thousands of things we’re thankful for because that’s what people apparently do on social media all day long during the month of November… if you’re one of the people who is hurting, who is having a hard time, who is angry, who doesn’t feel so thankful… I want you to know that you’re not alone.

Sometimes holidays are hard.
Sometimes they remind of us crappy things.
Sometimes, I think it’s okay for us to admit that it’s hard vs. put on the facade that we’re in the holiday spirit and everything is okay.

Mostly…I hope that the holidays move us toward a searching for a greater fulfillment. I hope they move us past hoping solely for our families, our friends, and our love lives to sustain us. As I was lying awake for a while last night, thinking about how different this Thanksgiving was than year’s past…feeling lonely even in the midst of a great family… I realized this wasn’t something they could fix. And it wasn’t something even the perfect man could fix.

Because my loneliness screams of a deeper loneliness, a deeper void that I keep trying to fill with things that don’t last, with things that don’t matter.

If the holidays are hard for you…
Let them be hard, but don’t get stuck in hopelessness.
I think there’s still much for us to hope in, much for us to hope for.
You don’t have to be a scrooge, but you don’t have to be fake, either.

And at the darkest moments of your despair and pain…at the heightened moments of your joy and happiness, I pray that you would find the hope of Jesus Christ. That you would find the redemption, the life, and the promises He made true. I pray that you would find Him faithful…even when it looks different than how you might have envisioned it all.

I love this season.
But I also hate it.
I think that’s okay… because I’m still hopeful for more than this.

Generous people are the best…don’t you think?
Especially the unexpected, out of the blue type of generosity that flows from strangers.

It’s often the little things that I tend to value a lot. The little things that can go unnoticed, but I so greatly appreciate them. They make me feel blessed…and I’m humbled in the way that others notice the little things they can do for others, both people they don’t even know and the people that they love dearly. They aren’t big things done in a prideful arrogance that beg for the world to notice them… but they are simple, they are thoughtful, they are selfless things.

Like the lady at the store who has a million groceries in her cart and notices me with a handful of things behind her and insists on me going before her. Or the man who lets me take the parking spot instead of trying to fight me for it. Or the woman who rushes to help open the door for the stroller-pushing, exhausted mother. Or maybe picking up after your sibling, or asking for ways to help your mom with Thanksgiving prep, or spending time with your family when it means not spending as much time with your friends.

Little things.
I love when the little things become big things…. when they become day-changing things. In the good ways, of course. I love when someone else’s generosity can remind me that there’s still good in the world, there’s still hope.

It makes me want to notice the little things. It makes me want to reach out in little ways to people when I see a need…or even when I just see something that could help make someone’s day a little better.

Generosity breeds more generosity.
Pay it forward, right?
And when it doesn’t work like that… well, I think we still need to be generous, despite how it may be received.

I’ve been wondering why we don’t do it more often. Why I don’t do it more often.
Aren’t you so blessed when a stranger does something selfless for you… for no reason at all? Aren’t you so blessed when someone you care about does something for you even when you both know that you don’t deserve it? Isn’t it astounding? Isn’t it baffling? Isn’t it humbling? I did no thing to deserve such an act, and yet I’m experiencing grace in real life. Why wouldn’t we seek to extend this to every person we encounter every single day?

Lord, I pray that we would have eyes to see the little things… and I pray that we would be quick to respond. Jesus, teach us how to be selfless in our day-to-day interactions with strangers, teach us how to be bold with our words. Jesus, teach us how to be selfless in our day-to-day interactions with those we love, those we don’t like…everyone. 

As we’re in this season of thankfulness, I really hope we would be willing to consider the weight of what small acts of selflessness on our part might mean for someone we don’t know (and those we do). Especially as we shop, as we tip, as we interact with cashiers, as we drive, as we walk into buildings, as we fly… as we live life, may our eyes be opened to the ways that we can simply be a blessing to those around us. Even as you interact with family or close friends… as you make Thanksgiving feasts, clean up after others and feel (perhaps) as though your efforts are overlooked and purposeless… I hope you keep giving.

Be a blessing through generosity.
Live in such a way that places others before you all the time.
Live a life of humility.
Watch as your generosity breeds more generosity…and persevere when it seems your generosity goes unnoticed or unappreciated.

Join me in praying that prayer above more frequently… because, as usual, this is nothing we can do of our own accord.

Father, I beg that we would be a people who bear fruit wherever we go and with whomever we interact with…no matter the response we receive from them. And Lord… I pray that You would be glorified. 

Be a blessing today.

I bought boots today.
Scratch that… my mom bought me boots today. Yep. It happened. I’m that 28-year-old (one who didn’t own boots and one whose mom still buys her clothes). I lived in Texas for over six years and never, ever was tempted with such a purchase. But a move to New England at the beginning of January made it seem like a wise investment.

The problem with the boots, however, is that I feel like a fraud when I wear them. It reminds me of when I started wearing dresses.

Have you experienced this before?

I’ve probably identified myself as more of a ‘Tom Boy’ most of my life. My mom was pretty disappointed after having three boys to get a girl who didn’t like to wear frills and lace and feminine things. Instead of looking like a girl, I sought to look more like my brothers. I often sported the ‘ol two colored Umbros- remember those? They were the best.

There were a few brief stints in junior high and high school were I tried, quite unsuccessfully, to look more like a girl. Mostly it just consisted of bad make-up and terrible fashion sense. Eventually I left my girliness to school dances and formal events.

But, over the years it’s changed. Maybe it’s been my circle of friends, or the willingness to admit that dresses can actually be comfortable…or maybe just a desire to actually embrace my femininity instead of despise it.

The first few times I wore a dress (outside of a dance/wedding), I felt ridiculous. It felt like everyone in the room could tell I had never worn a dress before and it was written all over my face. I searched for validation in every possible way, eager for people to either tell me I looked great….or simply not notice the monstrosity before them. And while I now realize that no one probably cared or noticed, I know that I was having an internal meltdown as I attempted to parade around in this costume as though it were normal attire.

I like dresses a lot now…even if it took a few… years. I’ve even graduated from not wearing shorts under them every time I wear one.  I don’t wear them all the time, but I don’t feel like an awkward duck every time I do. As I move away from camp life into ‘real world’ life, I realize I can’t get away with my Umbros (shoot, if I actually had a pair of these, I’d actually wear them a lot…) and t-shirts. Or my plethora of sweatshirts. I mean, I guess I could… but I don’t want to.

I want to step further into my femininity in the way that I dress, but because it’s such a foreign land to me… it’s terrifying and often makes me feel like a fraud. Sometimes I think this is where you just need to take a plunge, though. Sometimes, no matter how I feel on the inside, it doesn’t mean that it’s apparent to everyone else…and it wouldn’t matter if it was.

I think these changes are hard to make. And while, yes, superficial on some level… I think the way we present ourselves can speak volumes for the way we think about ourselves. I think for so long my inability to dress ‘cute’ was a direct tie into my inability to see myself as attractive. So I avoided fashion trends and style…because I felt like I could never look as good as the other girls. I didn’t have right body, right personality…and the clothes looked stupid/were uncomfortable. I had every reason to not look like girly girls… but I think, on some deep level, I always wished I could.

Maybe it’s vanity.
Maybe none of this matters.
Maybe I could walk around for the rest of the life never wearing make-up and dressing myself in sweats and be perfectly fulfilled (ha, I have…). But I think we tap into something deeper when we allow ourselves to become more of who we were created to be, both internally and externally. And I’m not saying that every woman or man will approach this in the same way. I’m simply saying that in me, there’s always been this connection in the way I dressed and the way I thought of myself. The past few years have given room for transformation both in how I think of myself and how I then present myself.

Let me be clear- this doesn’t mean that in order to embrace your femininity that you must put on make-up, wear dresses or buy boots. There’s not a certain dress code for what this means…I think it can look different for each of us. I guess I’m just challenging to consider why you wear the clothes that you do, why you present yourself the way that you do. Is it a direct correlation to how you view yourself? Is it a true representation of who you are…of who you want to be? Is it only a representation of who you want to be and not who you actually are?

I still feel like a fraud when I wear things I’m uncomfortable with or not used to… but, I think, sometimes that’s okay. Sometimes it takes time to grow into things. And I think that’s true when we change internally, too. That sometimes we have to be willing to be uncomfortable, feel awkward… and maybe we become more of who we were created to be, both internally and externally.

So I bought boots. Tall, leathery boots. The kind of boots you wear with skinny jeans. I don’t own skinny jeans. *sigh*

I think this will be a very growing year, after all.

My mind feels too all over the place to write these days.

In a given moment, I could be thinking about:

• What type of job I’ll be able to find in January that will give me the hours and the money I need to live while in school. So, I peruse jobs on the Internet. I might be a nanny. 
• Body image. I used to think I had a very accurate perception of myself, but now I’m wondering how warped it actually it is. 
• A new life…and new friends. I can’t envision this becoming a reality, no matter how hard I try.
• The plethora of people I need to contact, respond to… love better. 
• Whether or not I should stop blogging.
• How much I think/care too much about what other people think of me. 
• Boys…men? And how being single forever seems pretty realistic. Sometimes I’m lonely, too. 
• The book I want to write.
• Family- and being overwhelmed by my thankfulness for them.
• Why the little cat isn’t cuddled up next to me right now.
• How much I hate spending money…and how much money I’ve had to spend lately and will continue to spend for the next three years. 
• Wanting to cut ties with everything I’ve known and start anew.
• How I’m glad the little cat finally decided to join me.
• God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit….Christianity… and 5,000 other things that fall under this. 
• How to relate to other people in a way that connects with them and inspires them.
• My upcoming trip to Africa. 

Yes…that’s right. I crawled into bed tonight, thankful that I had a bed to crawl into…and knowing that in just a few weeks, the bed I sleep in will probably be much different. I feel like my mind has been so many other places that I haven’t been able to really give much thought to what’s happening in my immediate future.

I’m going to Africa.
I’m flying to Amsterdam from Boston on November 30 and meeting up with the rest of my team there. We’ll catch a flight down to Uganda and remain for 2.5 weeks. We’re hanging out with orphans, we’re dedicating a children’s home, we’re putting on a camp. I don’t know what other expectations to have beyond this, and so I feel like I have none. I feel unprepared. I have some long skirts and I’m going to get some vaccines tomorrow. But, in less than two weeks I’ll board a plane with a carry-on and a passport and fly across the world.

Maybe it’s better that way. Maybe it’s better to be expectation-free and feeling slightly unprepared.
But it’s time to start praying more diligently for this trip.
Maybe you’ll join me.
That even beyond prayers for me and my safety and whatever other prayers seem to flow from our mouths when we don’t exactly know what to pray when people travel overseas… that we would genuinely just pray for God to be glorified, above all else. Whatever that means.

One of the mistakes I made in going overseas before was making it all about me. Wanting to see God move in ways that were powerful and life-changing… for me. I wanted to see the miracles I had heard about. I wanted to see…so I could believe.

So, while my mind may be jumping from one thing to the next rather quickly…I know that, right now, I need to focus more on this trip. It’s something I have to choose to do. To continuously surrender, to pray for my teammates, to pray for those we’ll be interacting with in Uganda… to pray that it would never be about me. To pray that I would have eyes to see the needs of others and I would be quick to react. To pray for boldness and courage. To pray that I would not complain for any reason. To pray that I would give…and give…and give. To pray that I would decrease so that He might increase.

Pray with me, if you’d like.

And in the meantime?
Keep sending me over the things that you’d like to read about…’cause sometimes me blogging feels a bit purposeless if it’s not beneficial or relatable to you. What do you want to talk about, read about, hear about? Let’s get it all out there on the table.

Thankful for you.

What do you need?