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Dear Jimmy,

So, that’s not actually your real name and I don’t even know you… but I heard about some text messages you’ve been sending to one of my friends, and, well… we need to talk.

I imagine that you’re sending these particular text messages because you’re a little shy or insecure and you’re trying to get a feel for if this girl would even give you a shot? It’s understandable. We live in a time where it’s become very easy to minimize risk as we try to put our heart out there… a time when we are able to take much precaution as we face possible rejection. It’s usually easier to take small, risky steps than it is to take a giant leap. I get it.

So, you ask her to be your friend on Facebook. She accepts. Things are feeling good, huh? While you might be aware of her every move on the social networking site, you gotta play it cool. Only ‘like’ things, or write on her wall every so often… if you do it excessively, you’ll most likely look too desperate. See if she responds back to your comments. If she does, it seems safe to take the next step. You might instigate a Facebook chat… which eventually leads into suggestions for group hangouts (those are always safe, right?) meaning you’ll need her number.

Okay, okay… so I don’t know exactly how it all played out and maybe you exchanged numbers under the guise of friendship without any of the romantic feelings even being there from the beginning. Maybe they’ve slowly developed over time and you already have this basis of a friendship established and so moving out of the ‘friend’ zone feels a bit tricky.

No matter how it happened you now have her number for one reason or another. Here are a few tips on what to avoid if you truly want to capture the heart of the lady you are most certainly interested in:

• DON’T hypothetically ask her out over text messages, Facebook messages, emails. Don’t put ‘feelers’ out there just so you can get a better idea of what she’s going to say if you do decide you want to ask her out. Not only does this make you appear as though you’re not sure if you’re even interested, but it sends a thousand different messages to the female which puts her in utter turmoil until you clear the air (if you ever even do). 
• DON’T ask her out over text messages, Facebook messages, emails. It’s a big deal for you to ask a girl out, I get that… so, make it a big deal. Do it in person, if you can. You can even call her (I mean, you already have her phone number). It’s important for her to know that you’re making an effort, going out of your way, taking a risk and putting yourself out there. Don’t let yourself just ‘happen’ into a date–be intentional about it. Plus, things always get misinterpreted and confusing over these forms of communication. You don’t want her thinking that you’re kidding when you’re not or, for your sake, having to wait to hear back from her for a response! 
• DON’T make her take the risk first. I believe your exact texts were, ‘So are we ever gonna go see a movie?… Would you want to go with just us?…Wouldn’t that be a date?’ By asking her those question, you’re making her take the risk first, which most girls aren’t inclined to do. In her head she’s now thinking…’Well, if I tell him I that I do want it to be just the two of us, he might think that’s too forward or he might have completely other intentions… and if I don’t tell him that, then I may miss out on an opportunity to be alone with him…’. Utter turmoil. Man up. Tell her your intentions. Tell her that you want to take her out on a date, just the two of you. Tell her that you’d like to get to know her better. And then let her respond. 
• DON’T be afraid of romance. Despite what some girls (like me…) say about how they hate romantic gestures, little things can go a long way. I don’t necessarily mean expensive jewelry or a radio over the head outside my window type of gesture (at least not initially), but almost every girl loves feeling doted upon. Make her feel special in some way. It’s risky, yes… but, it’s only going to help your chances of scoring the date. Write a note, say kind things, give her a little something that you know she’ll appreciate that lets her know that you were thinking of her. You can actually probably tell from her response to this gesture if she’d even want to go on a date with you. 

‘Jesus, I love You.’ 

It felt strange for the words to come out of my mouth, but maybe even stranger that it felt strange at all. I couldn’t remember the last time I had uttered them, honestly.

Sure, there’s been the ‘ol, “Jesus we love you” moments in praying out loud with others…. but I hadn’t made it personal to just me in a long while. At least not audibly.

As soon as they came out, I immediately wondered, ‘Do I…?’

I don’t really use the word ‘love’ a whole lot…unless I’m talking about food, of course. When it comes to people, it’s a scarcity in my vocabulary. I want it to mean something, I want it to be significant. I want it to be believed by the recipient that I mean what I say and that I’m willing to back it up with my actions.

Loving others is a big deal. They can never be just words… but there are always actions required. Actions that require selflessness, and sacrifice, and patience, and kindness, and perseverance, and hope when things feel hopeless, and trust, and not keeping track of all the crappy things. It’s hard…and, to be honest, I’m not sure I’m even capable of it on my own.

So, if loving others is that big of a deal… when I tell Jesus I love Him…what does that make me responsible for?

‘If you love Me, keep My commands…’ 

Action.
Loving Jesus isn’t all about this emotional connectivity that feels all fluffy and good within. Does it happen sometimes…? Yeah, sure. But, it’s not the basis for how God knows I love Him.

Obedience.

Do I love Jesus?
Do I keep His commands?
‘His command is that you walk in love…’ 

I can tell Jesus I love Him all day long, but until I follow it up with obedience, it seems empty. It seems just as empty as the casual ‘I love you’ to a friend or an acquaintance that I merely say the words to because that’s what Christians are ‘supposed’ to do.

When I tell Jesus I love Him…I want it to mean something, I want it to be significant. I want it to be known by Him that I mean what I say and that I’m willing to back it up with my actions.

We have to be willing to be people who walk in love…not just people who are willing to say they love.

Action is required.
Make sure your words match up with your actions, whether you’re talking to friends, family or the Savior of the world.

It matters.

It’s been almost seven years, but today I broke back into territory I had almost forgotten.

I had an image the other day where I was virtually stabbing myself in the heart.

Die, die, die, die…

Over and over again.

Morbid, right?
Notice I said virtually. Which mostly means that in my continued desires for relationship and family, I suddenly had the urge to Kill Them.

I don’t know how to kill desire, though. You can ignore it, you can run from it, you can hide its existence… but to kill it? To have it be gone forever? With no possibility for return?  To put it to death for once and for all…?

The visual of my heart being stabbed, while gruesome, seemed to arouse something within. It’s as though my heart, in between each blow, was crying out, trying to say something.

Because, while I wanted to be done with the desires, with the ‘wanting but not having’ tension, with the  unshakeable feeling that my heart is truly evil and it cannot be trusted…my heart was pleading its case. It wanted to be heard before I stifled it out completely.

This isn’t bad, Debbie. These things that you want, they aren’t inherently bad.

It hit me.
It’s how I choose to respond to the desire that typically leaves me in a bad spot. It’s how I choose to respond to desire when I’m not getting what I think I want. It’s how I choose to respond when things aren’t going as planned.

In the moment, I was choosing to respond by killing the desire. Moving to Africa seemed enticing (for a thousand reasons, but one of them probably felt like running away from any possibilities of marriage/family). But sometimes I choose to respond in other ways. Sometimes I take action…trying to do anything and everything to satisfy the desire. Sometimes I just pretend the desire doesn’t exist. Sometimes I choose to get so busy and involved in other things that I forget that I even have the desire at all.

But it always comes back.
You want this.

My brother told me the other day that I was handling things pretty well. When my mouth dropped in shock, he went on to remind me that at least I wasn’t sleeping around and trying to date any guy with a pick-up truck (that’s not on my ‘list’, by the way…). It seemed absurd, as those things weren’t even thoughts that crossed my mind… but it made me realize that I could choose to respond in ways other than what I’m doing now.

I don’t know what your desire is right now….but I’m very aware that there are a lot of people in the world who want a lot of different things, and a lot of those things aren’t bad (and, even if they seem bad, I wonder if the root of those desires are actually good). Maybe it’s a spouse or family, maybe it’s a particular job, maybe it’s a baby, maybe it’s a good friend, or maybe it’s something else that you don’t really have control over acquiring. But, how we choose to respond could probably be better.

What do you want?
What is your desire?
How are you responding to your desires? Do you acknowledge that they exist? Do you allow yourself to exist in the tension of wanting but not having? And, how do you live out of that?

Are you trying to kill the desires, or forget that they’re there, or embrace them to the fullest? Do you allow yourself to mourn the unfulfilled desire? Are you honest with the Lord about your desires?

I know that I’ve really pushed for honesty with the Lord lately, but, gosh…
Get alone and be honest about the desires of your heart, the things you really want. Cry. Be angry. Beg. And then trust.

It’s so good.

Stop trying to kill the desire.
Stop trying to pretend it’s not there.
Stop trying to take control of it and fulfill it in any way that you know how.

Let go.
Every day, if you have to. Multiple times a day.

The desire isn’t bad, my friends.
But, how we respond to the desire is pretty key as we seek to live lives that are about abundantly more than ourselves. I think we’ll find, in the end, that when we are willing to release and truly surrender our desires over to the Lord, actually trusting Him with them…that we can relax and know that they rest in the hands of Someone who understands them and us more than we ever will, even if that means not getting what we think we want when we think we want it. As my brother said, ‘His intentions are better than our expectations.’

He’ll take care of us.
And if you don’t really believe that…? Maybe make that your prayer tonight… that you would believe it.

I’m a guy, and I have good female friends (contrary to societal stereotypes). We have fun, and we grow together, whether in a group or one-on-one. And sometimes that growth is intentional. One or the other will ask questions, notice habits, pray for the other, and so on. 

But it’s not dating. It’s not pursuit, and it’s not courtship. It’s friendship. It’s a relationship or relationships that are deepening, and while one or another may eventually lead to romance and dating (not marriage-lite), it’s not there. 

That is explicit. There is no wondering about status or intent. And while we may get to know each other as friends at a slower rate than dating, it does protect us from heartbreak, from emotional and physical mistakes that may happen once the “dating” label has been applied, and so on. 

So are we talking about the same thing – intentionality, fun, and growth possibly leading to more, whether or not we apply the term dating immediately or down the road, or are we on separate paths? 

I love that you brought this up. A lot.
I think, if I’m understanding you correctly, that we’re on two separate pages.  As I read this, I laughed, recalling a woman who I met recently who adamantly declared that males and females can never just be friends. She insisted that one person always ends up liking the other, if there’s not already a mutual attraction between the two. I’m pretty sure she believed that there was never any exception to the rule, either. She might be right.

Honestly, you’re potentially the type of guy that many a woman love to rant about. Why, you ask? Because you’re the type of guy that we’re never really sure of your intentions, because we’re just friends (we think). But yet, we hang out a lot and we have fun and we grow together and we challenge each other and inspire each other… we connect with each other. I’m willing to bet that 9 times out of 10, any girl will be interested in the guy she spends this much time with and invests this much of herself emotionally/spiritually in. Most of us are suckers for that kind of connection and intimacy, regardless of the label that’s placed on it.

You mentioned that there is ‘no wondering about status or intent’, though. I’m assuming that you then have made your intentions clear from the beginning of the friendship, or else you have assumed that you don’t need to clarify because it’s clearly just a friendship?

If it’s the latter, here’s a bit of a heads up on how lots of us women think: if you haven’t told us that you’re not interested (and even sometimes when you do), we either think you are or that you could be…especially if you’re pursuing us in any capacity (including mere friendship). You’re someone that wants to know us, truly cares about what’s going on with our hearts, wants to spend time with us…and that affects us greatly (whether we want to admit it or not).

Dating, to me, is much different than this male/female deep friendship. It’s intentional from the beginning. It’s a, ‘Hey, I want to get to know you better to see where this could go because I think you’re awesome’ type of mentality that allows there to be no room for confusion or games or over-analyzing what the relationship is or isn’t. When you’re in the middle of a good male/female friendship, I’m pretty sure that at least one party is thinking (or has thought at one point) about the possibility of more and is wishing they knew if the other person could have any romantic interest in them. But, most people will probably lie if they’re ever confronted by the other about it, especially if they know or suspect that the feelings aren’t reciprocated.

The truth? I’ve had more heartbreaks not being in relationships than I have had in them… because I’ve been such good friends with guys that I came to care deeply about. The friendship didn’t protect me from heartache. The pace at which our relationship grew didn’t protect me from the heartache. The friendship may have protected them from having to be a part of it, though. They didn’t see the tears shed or have to hear the emotional dialogue about whether or not I could/should remain in the friendship or not.

When it comes to males and females, I’m afraid there’s very rarely safe territory. I’m currently struggling myself with how to navigate through the muddy waters of becoming friends with men as I’m in the process of meeting new people. I was actually talking to my brother and sister-in-law about this last night. My question? ‘How the heck do I be friends with guys without them thinking I want more and without me wanting more and without me thinking they want more?’ I’m not sure it’s possible for none of those things to enter into the equation at any point. I’d be a fool to think (especially at this point in my life) that male/female friendships are ever simple. They rarely are, especially the more you hang out one-on-one and really invest in each other.

So, sure. Maybe you aren’t making out or crossing any other physical boundaries… but be careful about the emotional boundaries. Be careful about how much of your heart you share with each other, how much time you spend with each other. And, just be aware. Even if you think things are fine and that she totally knows that you only see her as a friend, she may be a lot better at pretending than you realize. Or, in some instances you may be the one pretending that you’re all fine and dandy being friends when you really are interested in more.

On some level I just think everyone should be clear about their intentions from the beginning and remain honest throughout the friendship/relationship. Then there’s no room for misunderstandings and being in the constant state of wondering. There will probably still be heartbreak, as that’s inevitable anytime you get to know someone well and vice versa. But, it’s part of the risk that we enter into. Be willing to have some hard, awkward conversations…especially if you really care about the person. Honesty is always best. If you aren’t interested in ever dating a girl, even if she’s a good friend, do her a favor and make sure she knows where you stand.

Recognize that girls are typically more relationally wired and, if we’re attracted to you at all and you’re wanting to know us better, the chances of us liking you are going to be pretty high (and, even if we aren’t attracted to you initially, the more we get to know you and the more you want to know us… we suddenly might start finding you to be super attractive). Consider that while it may not be affecting you emotionally, it may be all-consuming to her.

Mostly… just don’t be naive as you enter into friendships with females, even if you aren’t intentionally trying to date them. We have the tendency to over-analyze, fall easily, and we love feeling connected to people (especially men). Be honest about where you’re at. I think most of the women in your life will appreciate it.

As I was driving through Cambridge tonight, a car slowed down in front of me abruptly. Really? 

It’s kind of my response to a lot these days, especially while I’m driving, or people watching, or dealing with long waits.

Really…? 
Did you really have to pull out right in front of me and go the speed limit?
Did you really have to stop for the full three seconds when there was no one else at the intersection?
Did you really think it was a good idea to wear that?
Did you really think writing a check was the most considerate thing to do in the ‘express lane’?

C’mon people…

And as I slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of me, all the while muttering under my breath…I noticed the old woman crossing the street laden with grocery bags. The driver in front of me had seen, while driving, this woman waiting patiently with a heavy load to cross the busy street. He had seen her and he had taken the time to stop.

Shoot.

Do you ever have these, ‘I suck.’ moments?
Because, that was certainly one of them for me. Even if I had noticed the lady, I probably wouldn’t have even thought about stopping because I was in such a hurry, and so focused on following my GPS as not to get lost in an unfamiliar city.

The other day I was running late to class and the slowest person pulled out in front of me. By slowest, I mean that they were going the speed limit and so I felt rather unjustified in my frustration. Nevertheless, I tailed them closely…hoping that they’d get the hint that no one goes the speed limit around here. I suddenly realized that I could be following a fellow student, or, worse yet, a professor and as I imagined the shame of pulling up next to them in the parking lot I began to let my foot off the gas pedal, putting some distance between our two vehicles. Eventually they veered off a different direction, but it was another ‘I suck.’ moment for me.

Even worse, not long ago I was looking at the back of a woman’s head, wondering why she would ever wear her hair like that. Was it a braid or a pony tail that she was trying to accomplish? A few minutes later I realized she was blind.

I suck.

I’ve been put in a place, over and over again, where I’m reminded that things aren’t always what they seem. I’m ever-aware of my impatience, my harsh judgments and critiques, my thoughtlessness….and, most disgusting of all, my selfishness mixed with my pride. It’s ugly.

They’re little things, on some level… but, they’re also significant. It’s a commentary on how I view the world and people around me. It’s a reminder that my flesh is so very quick to react and how, despite how I might be viewed by others, there’s still a lot of work to be done inside of me.

I sometimes think we’re unaware of our own darkness until it’s suddenly brought into the light. We’re unaware that the thoughts we think about others are harsh and ugly until we realize that maybe they can’t help what they look like, or the noises they make, or the wounds that they bear…whether physical or emotional. How often do we not think twice about our immediate assessments and judgments of others because we have no reason to?

How often do we justify our anger and frustration when people are abiding by the traffic laws? How often do we justify our impatience when people take longer to do something than we think they should? How often do we justify our pride when people seem to be doing something in an illogical, nonsensical way?

I guess I’ve been reminded lately that I don’t always know the whole story. I don’t know why the lady at the grocery store needed to write a check, but I do know that she was willing to engage in a conversation with the girl who had Down’s Syndrome who was bagging groceries when I was not.

It’s a reminder that life isn’t about me. There are other people, with other agendas, with other problems and heartaches and reasons for doing why they do what they do in the way that they do it. I might not always think it to be the best, and it might sometimes inconvenience me… but does it matter? Don’t they matter abundantly more than my time, my agendas, my pride…myself…?

I know that I’ll inevitably have more ‘I suck’ moments. It’s part of being human.
But, I’d like to have less of them. Less, because I’m seeing people, taking time for them, and serving/honoring them… even if it’s in the way I think about them or talk about them, recognizing that I don’t know their story or the method to their madness.

This is one of those times when light penetrates the darkness, and while it sucks to see what lies there… it’s necessary if you ever want to get rid of it. And then, in having them, immediately replacing the guilt and shame with moving towards better.

When I saw that the car was letting the old lady crossing the street, my own shame was replaced immediately by inspiration. It was a ‘pay it forward’ moment, almost. I wanted to be aware of the people around me enough to stop, to make time for them, to serve them. It was a small gesture, it was a small sacrifice… but it was really beautiful to me.

And here’s where my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness, because without Him I’d be left in a constant state of ‘I suck’ moments.

To Him be the glory.
Have I mentioned how thankful I am for second chances…?

What if I told you that I held the secret to getting a guy to date you…?

Just follow these five steps and it’ll guarantee that the man you’ve been crushing on will fall head over heels in love with you…he won’t even know what hit him.

Would you want that?
I mean… really want that?

If you just wore the right clothes, or did your hair a certain way, or knew the exact point in which to smile (you know, the point where your eyes meet from afar and you break into a smile that’s more than just a smile, and he simply cannot resist you). Or maybe it involves the perfect reason to ‘run’ into him or contact him or hang out with him. Maybe it’s a certain phrase that you have to say in this specific way at this exact time in your interactions with him.

Would you do whatever it takes to get him to notice you? To ask you out? To want to be with you?

‘Cause here’s what keeps happening in my head lately (ready for brutal honesty?)…

I meet a guy, am initially attracted to him, and determine that I would like to get to know him better. This whole ‘getting to know you process’ would be much easier if he would just ask me out on a date on his own, right? Unfortunately it doesn’t really ever work like that. Instead I’m stuck within the confines of random encounters that are few and far between.

Somehow, I think the burden lies on me.
My first reaction is always to jump to, ‘What can I do…?‘
What can I do to get this guy to notice me, to want to talk to me, to ask me out on a date?

And lately…?
Lately, I’m frozen right there… because I catch myself entering into controlling, manipulative mode.

Because, if you’re a lady, there may be times when you’ve gotten exactly the guy you thought you wanted through some amount of scheming and interfering and placing yourself in the right situation at the right time. Maybe you’ve played the ‘damsel in distress’ card, preying upon the male’s desire to come to a woman’s rescue and be the hero. Maybe you’ve found yourself suddenly interested in all the same things that your crush is interested in, just to have an excuse to spend more time with him (‘oh…you’re into baseball, too…? I had no idea…’).

Let’s face it… we’re sometimes pretty good at getting what we want.

But lately…?

Lately I’ve been reminded of the countless times that I got what I thought I wanted through the manipulating and the controlling….and I’ve been reminded of how wrong I was. Every time there’s been heartache, disappointment and rejection as the things I tried to make happen eventually faded into nothing, or broke into a million pieces no matter how hard I kept trying to put it back together and make it work. It’s as if the harder I tried to make everything fit into my plan, the more I felt like a toddler, cramming the rectangular shaped objects into the circular hole…frustrated that it just wouldn’t fit.

As my natural desire is to go immediately back into that place of ‘how do I get what I want’, I’ve been freezing…because I’m now so aware that I don’t know what I want/need.

I’ve been so wrong in the past, why would I ever think that I would know now?
So, as I meet new guys that I find attractive, and cool for a lot of different reasons…instead of jumping into the ‘what can I do…?’ mode, I’m trying to live in a place of letting things be what they are.

Does it mean that I don’t get excited and hopeful when I run into them? Hardly. But, it does mean that there’s a relinquishing of control that’s continually necessary. It means that there’s a constant voice in my head reminding me that I don’t always know what’s best for me and that what I think I want isn’t always what I want.

I don’t want to hold a key to the secret of how to get a guy to date me.
I want him to ask me out because he wants to, and not because anything I did or said manipulated him into doing so. I want him to spend time with me because he wants to, not because I did something to make it happen. I want him to call me or text me or email me because he’s thinking about me, not because he feels obligated to respond to me.

It just seems better that way.
More… organic.
More… mutual.
More… freeing.
More…like it’s not me making it happen and that maybe (since I’ve clearly been so wrong in the past) there’s something to letting things come my way instead of forcing it to come about in my way.

Maybe you should try it, too.
And so we keep waiting. But, in the process of waiting, we stop getting ourselves in the middle of relationships and heartaches that are often spawned from our urges to jump the gun and make relationships happen that shouldn’t be happening in the first place. We stop trying to cram the wrong objects in the wrong holes and getting frustrated in the process.

There’s no secret in getting guys to date you. And, the harder you try, I think the more often you’ll be disappointed and heartbroken. Sometimes guys just aren’t gonna like you. It’s okay. Oftentimes you’ll be thankful for it in the end.

Let it go.
Let it happen as it happens (even if that means waiting a while).
I’m pretty hopeful that it’ll be worth it in the end.

I’ve had more than one person in my life lately agonizing about dating.

‘I’m not completely sure how I feel about him yet. He sort of does these things that are annoying…’

It’s the gist of the freaking out, without all the specifics.
You might know what I’m talking about. I’ve done it a lot, too. The trepidation you face when you’re considering the possibility of dating someone new…regardless of how well you know the person. The chase is over, you know that he likes you and he knows you like him… but the next steps are still a bit unknown.

Do I really want to do this? 
You ask yourself….and your friends….and your family…and the Lord… at least 100 times. You run through everything you know about this person, regardless of how well you know them. You run through all the possible outcomes. Sometimes you’ve just met them, sometimes you’ve known them for years. No matter the length of time, you either conjure up things you think you know about them, or you suddenly turn the things you already do know about them into bigger deals then they really are. You develop strange hypotheses on ‘if’ the relationship happens then ‘this’ will inevitably happen and before you’re even dating, you’ve plotted the whole thing out based on your fears/superficiality/past experiences/future plans/hopes/others’ opinions…

All of a sudden, this person whom you’ve perhaps been crushing on for a while (that maybe even seemed unattainable) is suddenly a reality. OR… all of a sudden, this person that you never even noticed/considered before is wanting to date you. What are you going to do?

As much as I question dating, I also think that if you’re gonna date… you need to date.

Here’s what I mean by that: dating doesn’t mean marriage.
Yes, I know that oftentimes we don’t want to date unless we’re serious about marriage, but sometimes I think that restricts us from dating without these ridiculous expectations already placed on the relationship. Before we even start dating, the relationship is smothered because there’s been no chance for it to even breathe due to all of our over-analyzing and irrational assumptions of what could/might/should happen. Dating, like I told those I had these conversations with recently, is a way of determining if you could marry a person…it’s not declaring that you’re going to marry them.

Too often I think we get swept up, before we even date someone, in wanting/needing to know if we are going to marry them or not. Too often we get hung up on these little details and quirks and superficial things without allowing ourselves to really get to know the person on the other side. Too often we enter a mode of self-preservation and we don’t think our little hearts can handle it if it’s not going to work out, and so why even bother in the first place…

Calm down!
Sometimes a date is just a date and agreeing to a dinner or a walk doesn’t mean that you have to know if you’re going to marry someone or not. I’d venture to say that it’s okay for you to date someone when you’re unsure if you could marry them. If you know that you couldn’t and wouldn’t marry them, that’s when you shouldn’t be dating them. Up until you know that, though? Date.

I think it’s the unspoken agreement that we all sort of sign our names to when we decide to date. It’s the unspoken risk. It’s the…’I don’t know if this is going to work at all, but I think it’s worth the risk…I think you’re worth a shot. I can’t promise anything, but I know that I’d like to get to know you better…so let’s figure out what this connection we have is all about.’

What’s even crazier about the arrangement is that it can be fun. It’s a time of firsts, it’s a time of opening up your heart to the unknown of what could be. It doesn’t need to be over-analyzed and over-processed and over-discussed to where you’ve sucked the life out of any possible enjoyment that the relationship could have (yes, I’ve done this before). It’s a time to just… let it be what it is. Dating.

It’s risky.
It involves two people who are broken and jacked up….two people who are annoying and have hundreds of quirks and strange aspects to their personality… two people who are journeying through life trying to figure out what the heck they’re doing…two people coming together with all of that and trying to communicate well and love each other selflessly. It involves hope, but it involves heartache and misunderstandings. It’s not always going to be the gushy, mushy romantic comedies with a happy ending and barely any conflict. It involves discernment as you navigate through the things that are worth fighting about and necessary to let go of.

And, when you face those moments of trial and tribulation…you, at the end of the day, have to decide if it’s still worth it. You have to decide what matters. You have to decide if the things that bother you (because there will always be things that bother you) are too much for you to ‘put up with’. You have to decide if the relationship is worth fighting for (because it will be a fight at times). You have to decide what you can sacrifice and what you simply will not (because, yes, you’ll have to sacrifice things).

BUT… you have to decide to date someone before you even get to all that good stuff.

I say do it (I mean, if you’re attracted to them and you’ve liked them for a while or you’re really interested in getting to know them better based on the things you’ve seen in them).
Because, if you don’t, you may always wonder.
Don’t be wishy-washy or over-complicate things as you process through this decision.

You don’t have to know the outcome. You just have to be willing to give it a shot.
Take a risk.
Give ’em a shot.
Enjoy the early stages of dating as you get to know someone (and be willing to look beyond the little idiosyncrasies, especially if you can rationally recognize that they are insignificant in the grand scheme of their character/integrity/spiritual walk/etc.)

No one is perfect.
Can I get an ‘Amen’?

‘Can you tell me why you have seven pairs of Chacos in your closet?’

It was one of the first things someone said to me when I moved up here. Mostly I wanted to ask him why he had been looking in my closet, but since I was still new here, I refrained. And since he had said ‘Chacos’ and not ‘sandals’, I felt like I was in good company.

Because, when you’ve worked at a camp as long as I did, you start to form collections of random things that don’t always fit into the ‘real world’ (at least not in excess). Chacos, frisbees, nalgenes, athletic shorts, t-shirts, swimsuits, etc. I’m 28 and I don’t even know what 28-year-olds are supposed to wear, nor do I really own anything that’s suitable for this ‘new’ life. It’s kind of been this hilarious process of asking my younger roommates for fashion advice, for clothes to wear (I didn’t grow up with sisters, so this has been a very stretching situation), in addition to delaying the inevitable shopping trip to make my wardrobe match my new lifestyle.

Because, when you’ve worked at a camp, you know how to do things like belay, and facilitate group development, and lead debriefs, and help bring fuller meaner into weird experiences (like putting twenty kids on a tarp and asking them to flip it over without anyone stepping off of it). You know how to lead small group discussions and Bible studies and sit in awkward silence while you wait for people to muster up the courage to respond to a challenging question. You know how to ask open-ended questions and you know what it means when someone says the phrase, ‘challenge by choice’.

Because, when you’ve worked at a camp, you know how to work hard. You know how to scrub toilets and mop floors. You get a little excited inside when someone mentions the word ‘Hobart’ because it brings back a million memories of dish room antics and the hours you spent sorting, spraying, unloading, and putting away hundreds of dishes. You know that all the long hours and the manual labor is a part of something bigger and that makes the aching backs, the sweat, the tired feet worth it.

In my earlier years at camp when I would facilitate groups (especially the school groups), teachers used to always ask me what I was doing next. It was always as though camp could never be the end goal for me. While it wasn’t, I often remember wondering what in the world I would ever be equipped to do. My degree was a BA in Communications and I wasn’t really sure what that really meant, let alone what type of job I could get with it.

So here I am… 7 months after leaving my job full-time at camp, with a strange assortment of belongings, with a skill-set that hardly seems applicable to anything having to do with graduate school, but with a mentality that things are worth it when the end goal involves the Gospel.

In the last few weeks I’ve gotten two new jobs. One involves me working with youth who have significant emotional, behavioral or mental health needs in a one-on-one setting. Would you believe that my background and experiences while working at camp helped secure the position? Things like how I learned to work with students who have ADHD or knowing how to respond in situations when abuse is reported…

The other job involves the outdoors, college students, high ropes, group development, and camping. I’ll be a co-instructor for a college course where we will take mostly freshman through a seven week long class that ‘uses adventure learning and a supportive Christian community to promote spiritual growth, personal discovery, character formation, and an appreciation of the natural environment’. Here I will get to wear my chacos, use my nalgene, belay, pitch a tent, lead group development (complete with all the ridiculous games in my repertoire), mentor and build relationships with college students. Could anything be more perfect? 

I say all of this because I couldn’t have planned any of it more perfectly myself. I honestly feel like all of this has fallen into my lap. 

What provision… 
I’m still astounded by it. 
Because although I left something I loved for something new, I still get to be a part of things I love in a different and new capacity. I still get to step fully into things that I am passionate about and weirdly skilled in (because who would have ever thought that I would get to bust out ‘Little Sally Walker’ again?). 

Take heart. 
You may feel like the degree you’re getting, or the skills you have, or the passions you keep coming back to won’t go anywhere in life… but I think you may be wrong. I think you may just be surprised when you realize how in the craziest ways God will present you with opportunities to step into those things even further. How your past experiences will not have been in vain. He can use the most random of things (like knowing how to belay, or deal with child abuse, or lead a debrief, or understanding the need to be flexible with each individual, or wash dishes with a Hobart, or clean a toilet well…) for His glory in new, exciting ways in your life! 

Seriously.
It’s crazy. 
Crazy good. 

Be willing to step into those things, even if it looks a little different than what you’ve known or what you’ve expected. 

You may just get to wear those Chacos again to work….which means you’ll definitely be glad that you still have seven pairs of them.