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This isn’t the end of the story. 

I think it’s pretty easy to lose sight of that when we’re in the middle of something heartbreaking, confusing, challenging.

This isn’t the end of the story. 

Sometimes we forget that the ‘right now’ isn’t forever. Sometimes we forget that just because we feel the way we feel in this moment, it doesn’t mean that we’re going to feel like this for the rest of our lives.

This isn’t the end of the story.

When we’re disappointed with the actions of someone else, or the “bad” decisions they make, it’s sometimes hard to not think that they’re ruining their life. It’s sometimes hard not to judge. It’s sometimes hard to not hold them to our own standard of right, wrong, good, bad. It’s sometimes hard to think that there could be hope for them outside of what we’re currently witnessing.

This isn’t the end of the story. 

No matter what the doctors have said, no matter how bleak the circumstances look, no matter how awful it seems like it could be…

This isn’t the end.
There’s still room to hope. There is still the possibility that it could be different.

We don’t know.
All we see is the here and now and sometimes our limited perspective drives us. It can often drive us into a pit of despair and sorrow. It can make us feel as though what we are currently in the midst of is all that will ever be. It can make us feel like there’s no way out.

Zoom out for a second.
Recognize that you don’t know the end. You don’t know how it’s going to turn out. You may never know.

Allow yourself to hope that it could be better.
Allow yourself to believe fully in a God whose sovereignty goes beyond our limitations, whose goodness goes beyond our own understanding. A God who knows the end of the story, a God who is making everything beautiful in its time.

There’s much to hope in, friends.
Because we don’t know the end of their story. We don’t know the end of our story.

He might overcome that addiction. She might walk away from that sin. We might break out of our comfort zone and have an opportunity to really chase our dreams. He might miraculously recover and live a full and healthy life, despite what the doctors all said. She might walk away cancer-free. We might, actually, meet the man of our dreams…even when we’ve given up every hope that it could be possible. We might, one day, feel something more than the throbbing pain of the loss that we just experienced.

Don’t treat life like your current circumstances are defining of your existence. When we can zoom out, when we can allow ourselves to admit that we don’t know what’s going to happen… I think that’s when we can learn to be content, no matter what’s going on.

It’s a shift to an eternal perspective.
A shift to trusting the Lord in a way that maybe you never have before.
A shift to living more fully in the here and now.

Because we don’t know the end of the story.
And there’s something powerfully hopeful in that.

Six months later he admitted he was interested in me the whole time. Why did he never say anything?

Oh my…
There’s probably a whole mess of reasons behind why he didn’t say anything and I can’t even begin to deduce what it actually was. Maybe he was scared you were a rebound? Maybe he was scared you weren’t interested? Maybe he was not in a place he felt like he should be pursuing anyone? Maybe he was scared he wasn’t really interested (and just liked to entertain the idea without wanting to actually put any feet to it)?

Maybe he’s just… scared. 

We can always come up with reasons to not do something. In fact, we’re pretty good at talking ourselves out of things… especially things that involves risks and possible rejection. But, he may have had legitimately good reasons for not making a move, but we’ll never know.

Mostly I think he’s a moron (is that too harsh?)…
Here’s why:
If he wasn’t willing to say something at the time (or decided it wasn’t a good idea), why did he decide to say anything at all…especially if he was never going to do anything about it? What’s the point? Where’s the logic? Did he even think through the ramifications of it all? Did he think there was a benefit?

And, even if he didn’t say anything out of fear six months ago, was he hoping that your reaction to his confession would spark some sort of romance?

Do guys know that (generally) if they just take a risk and ask a girl out, that there’s a really good chance she’ll say yes? Do they know that them making a move is usually better than them making no move at all? Do they know that asking for a number, taking some initiate, taking a chance on a girl is one of the most attractive things to a girl? Do they know that girls don’t always want to be the one having to flirt, drop hints, or bring up DTR conversations?

Do they know…?
Because part of me thinks, if they knew, that things would look a bit different out in the world. That instead of a small percentage of girls being asked out, there would be this flurry of confidence and excitement as men step up and take risks because they’ve decided a particular girl just might be worth it.

Men…
You don’t have to know that you’re going to marry the girl. You don’t have to have everything all figured out. But, I guarantee you that it’s going to be much more likely that you get the girl you want if you actually try to get her. If you put yourself out there. If you face the possible rejection. If you are open and honest about where you’re at….even if that includes your hesitations and fears along the way.

Women are drawn to that type of vulnerability, that type of risk-taking…especially when they’re the one you’re taking a risk on. They see honor it, they see courage in it. It’s attractive….even if they might not initially be attracted to you, even if they might not have considered you a possibility before. Once you put yourself out there, once you ask… they’ll at least think about it. And, the more sure you are that you want to be with them, the more attractive it can be. We want to be wanted. We like being wanted. We like when guys are sure they want us (even if we aren’t 100% sold on it just yet…).

Your chances are slim to zero when you’re unwilling to try and get the girl.
Your chances increase dramatically when you’re willing.
When you try.
When you get over your fears and ask a girl out (without being all wishy-washy and unclear about your intentions).

Be bold.
Don’t wait.
Don’t psyche yourself out.
Just do it.
I bet you’ll be surprised by the response.
You might just get yourself the girl.

I’ve been wondering lately how often people make decisions based out of fear.

There have been a few conversations here and there where, as I listen to people sort through their reasoning for deciding something, the only thing I can hear in the process is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change.

There’s this fear that plagues us sometimes…and it soon becomes the decision-maker in our life. If I can’t know the end result, I’m more prone to avoid walking down that particular path. It makes sense, right? We want to know that we’re going somewhere that is sure to be filled with success, joy, good stuff. If we can’t guarantee that, why would we head that direction?

It makes sense, especially, in regard to relationships. Oftentimes we don’t ever want to enter into a relationship unless we fully believe it’s going to work out. We go into relationships with every hope and intention that it’s going to be successful….and if it seems doomed from the beginning, we usually bow out (unless we’re just in it for a temporary good time). Honestly, even in a “successful” relationship, there can be a lot of fears there and a lot of unknowns. Sometimes, because a successful relationship is so unknown to me, it feels easier to get out and move into something I’m much more comfortable with, something that’s much more known. At this point in my life, it’s more known to end a relationship than it is for me to stay in one forever.

It also applies to future life decisions–like jobs, schools, moving. We want variables that we can count on. We move back home because we know people there, we know the short-cuts, we know which grocery stores to shop at, which restaurants to go to. We move to areas where we know people because, even if everything else is new, there’s a certain stability to having a small community of people who know us. We take jobs that are within our realm of expertise, or different jobs at places we have worked before. There’s something familiar that draws us to places… and that isn’t necessarily bad.

I just wonder how often we are willing to step into places where we know nothing. Where we don’t allow the fear of the unknown to be a factor in our decisions…
I wonder how often we look at our motivations and are able to identify them as driven mostly by fear, and then what it might look like if we were willing to remove that as an obstacle in our lives?

Are you hesitant to date that person because he’s a man of bad character and you’re not attracted to him at all? Or is it because you’re scared of letting someone in… you’re scared of a relationship working out… you’re scared that you don’t know what’ll happen in the end?

Are you hesitant to take that job because it might require something of you that you feel inadequate in? Are you hesitant because it’s in a place where you know no one and nothing? Are you hesitant because it’s different than anything you’ve ever done before?

There’s a lot of things that we take into consideration when making decisions…especially big decisions… and I’m not saying we shouldn’t factor all these things in. But, I am challenging all of us to look at our reasons for them. Are they fear-based? Are the fears rational? Or are they simply rooted in the unknown? Are they rooted in a fear of change?

I don’t want us to be people who miss out on good…on places/things that the Lord is calling to because it’s unknown, because it’s different, because it’s new.

So, when you make your pros/cons list as you process through your life-decisions, I’d urge you to dive deep into the reasons why your cons are your cons and your pros are your pros. I’d urge you to be willing to jump into the unknown, especially if it has the potential of being good down the road. I’d urge you to walk down a path because you’re ultimately trusting that the Lord is going to be faithful to you when you’re open to new adventures and seeking to live obediently.

There may not be a wrong choice.
But, I’d hate to see us live a life of regret because of how we let fear make our decisions for us.

The Comment:

Why is it so hard to take off our masks? To take down those veils that we so carefully put up to keep people from really knowing us. It’s like I want so badly to have those transparent relationships with people, but I freeze up when the time comes to talk to them. I guess part of it is the fear of feeling judged…but I know in that same vein that I shouldn’t worry about that because the things that I’d feel judged about are all in my past. I’m not that person anymore. But it’s still hard to be really real with people.

Yes.
Yes it is.
I’ve been thinking lately about how much I still try to hide while simultaneously trying to be honest. It’s really quite exhausting.

I often ask myself: How can I be a good example, while also admitting the millions ways that I don’t have it all together? How can I openly admit my darkness while not leading others down a path where sin seems justifiable to them? How can I fully take off the mask so that others are encouraged and challenged without simply seeing my sin, judging me, and rationalizing sin in their own lives (i.e. Debbie does/did it…so it can’t be that bad, right?)

It’s a fine line. A balancing act.
Then again, I don’t necessarily think that the place for my confession of sins is via the Internet. My place to fully let down my mask isn’t through various blog entries. I can be vulnerable, real, honest…but also maintain a degree of an appropriate amount of disclosure.

It becomes tricky when I allow that to extend to all areas of my life, though. If my closest friends, mentors, my fiance are never allowed into the inner circle of what’s going on… that’s when something is wrong.

I think it’s important to ask yourself a few questions:

1. Who are you wearing your mask around? All people, or just some? 
2. Why do you think you’re still wearing it? Is it simply out of fear of being judged…or is there another reason?  

Whenever I watch American Idol auditions, I wonder at least a few times, “Who are the people telling these people that they should go on national television and sing?”

I guess I get it. We’re a society that urges people to chase dreams, and no one really wants to be the person who dashes anyone’s hopes. But, I value honesty. And sometimes we have to be willing to recognize that maybe (just maybe), we’re not quite as good at something as we hope we might be.

I’ve been wondering it a lot myself, lately.
I see a bazillion blogs and articles get posted and I think, “Dang… she can write. Why am I even trying?” I feel like an American Idol contestant who only dreams of that golden ticket that’s gonna take me to Hollywood (which, in reality, still doesn’t mean much of anything).

Most days I want to quit.
Most days I think I should.
Most days I don’t even know why I started.

And then there are the quiet few. The quiet few that urge me to keep going. Sometimes I tune their voice out, believing quite fervently that they are the ones pushing me to audition for the sake of a few laughs on national television that are forgotten as soon the scene changes. But, oftentimes I listen.

They’re the whispers that gently say, “Keep going. This matters. This affects me. It challenges me. It makes me feel like I’m not alone. Your voice matters. You remind me of truth, even when I don’t always want to hear it.”

The Quiet Few.

They aren’t always the same voices, either.
And so I keep going, recognizing that the end to all this madness doesn’t have to be fame or fortune. It doesn’t have to be wild success of Pulitzers and popularity.

Perhaps it’s just one or two.
Perhaps those American Idol contestants embarrass themselves on national television but they bless a few in their most inner circles. Perhaps it’s their babies, as they sweetly sing them to sleep at night. Maybe a local congregation of church-goers (who might be mostly deaf, but eager to see a young face passionate about using their voice for the Lord). Maybe family members on important family occasions.

Maybe the Quiet Few.

Too often we give up on our dreams because we aren’t good enough. There’s always going to be someone better than us, more talented, more successful…. people are going to want others more than us. There’s always an excuse to give up (unless on the rare occasion that you’re a prodigy).

But what if we shifted our dreams.
What if it wasn’t about numbers of people, what if it wasn’t about our own worldly success? What if it was simply about doing something that mattered? And what if it only matters to a few, but it still matters? Or what if it was about who we’ll meet along the journey of pursuing our passions and the impact we might have on them?

I’m probably never going to “make it” as a writer.
I imagine I’ll keep writing though.
(For those of you who wonder why, you can thank all of those people who keep telling me to.)

Because I’ve decided, even if it’s just a few, it’s worth it.
Even if exposing my life to the world wide web does good for one or two, I’ll keep going. Even if trying to eventually write a book falls short of actual publishing and only makes it into the hands of my inner circle of support through self-publishing… I’ll do it.

It’s part of pressing on, pushing through, believing that the passions I have matter and when I’m directing them toward the One who matters, I can’t really go wrong.

There are always going to be better writers, better singers, better musicians, better comedians, better speakers, better entrepreneurs, better artists, better photographers, better chefs, better doctors, better bosses, better athletes, etc. etc. (you get the idea….and most of the time, ‘better’ is subjective, anyway). But it doesn’t mean that we should quit. It doesn’t mean that we should give up. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

Maybe we need to start listening to The Quiet Few in our life who remind us that what we’re doing matters, and maybe we need to dive deeper in. And maybe I’m not quite as good as I wish I were, and maybe I’ll never be… but maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s not about fame and fortune, and maybe impacting only one or two for good can matter, too.

Maybe…
I guess we each get to decide for ourselves.

As I continue to grow my silver hairs out, I sorta get excited about getting older.
With age comes wisdom, and I can’t help but think of how much more of a credible source I become when I’m no longer in my twenty-somethings attempting to pretend like I have anything figured out (because we all know, by now, that I know nothing).

But, I can’t help but feel like sometimes we get tunnel-vision when we think about who we will eventually be and oftentimes feel quite discontent with who we currently are. There’s this heavy weight over us that can make us feel like where we’re at isn’t quite good enough…and so we push on toward better (usually, anyway). We’re unsatisfied with our current state.

As a new aunt, I’ve found myself often saying things like, “I can’t wait until she can laugh!” or, “I can’t wait until he can say my name!” or, “I can’t wait until she can actually be excited to see me!”

Because, as cute as my niece and nephew are, I’m still this stranger to them. I find myself wishing that they were older, that they understood more, that they had a greater capacity to actually love me and not just depend on me from time-to-time (on the rare instances when their parents entrust them to me to watch for a few hours, that is).

But I also love right where they’re at and I hate thinking about them getting bigger so fast. I recognize that this stage of their development will be gone too soon and before I know it, they’ll be running around, screaming ‘NO’ and asking that I play ridiculous games with them over and over and over again. Right now I’m content to ask them what a monkey says and filled with joy when they mutter, “ooo ooo ooo ooo.”

Sometimes I wonder if the Lord sees it the same way. Maybe He’s excited about our growth and about who we’ll eventually be and the ways we will mature and become more like Him as time passes, but in the meantime…maybe He just loves exactly who we are in this moment. Maybe He loves that all we can do is make monkey noises and He’ll find so much joy in that, while simultaneously being excited about where He knows we’re going to be in a few years.

Maybe there’s a both/and.
And maybe, in that, we don’t have to feel so unsatisfied about where we’re currently at. He loves us right here, in the midst of immaturity and ignorance. He’s sees the good in where we’re at, He’s embracing the things about us that will eventually change as we grow….perhaps even enjoying how unrefined and uneducated we are at times. There’s something unique to the way we speak so rawly and openly about Him, even if it isn’t always tactful or filled with grace. It’s filled with passion and love. And, maybe, as we grow, those things start to become more filtered as we learn more about how different people respond to different things and how to better become all things to all people so that some might be saved.

We’re constantly learning.
We’re constantly growing.
And the Lord is loving us the same throughout it all. He is just as thrilled with us when we are infants as He will be when we are elderly (both physically and spiritually).

My point is that I don’t want us to get lost in having to always be something different, or in becoming something greater. Sometimes these stages that we go through are vital in our development as people, as believers. Sometimes we have to learn how to crawl before we can learn how to walk, even though we want to be walking right away. Sometimes we have to be willing to drink milk before we start chomping on the meat. Sometimes things just take time.

And it’s okay.
We have to trust that we’re right we’re at for a reason, for a purpose… and the Lord is finding just as much joy in where we are at right now as He will be when we are older, more mature, more educated, more grounded. Because we’re committed to doing what we can with what we’ve been given, during this season.

Aspire to be great, to be more like Jesus…. absolutely.
But don’t be frustrated when it feels like it’s taking a while, when you’re limited in your own growth. Good things are happening.
He’s using you, just as you are….even through all of your flaws and imperfections, loving you all-the-while.

It’s a beautiful/cool thing to me.
I hope it is to you, too.

He loves us.
No matter where we’re at.
He takes great joy in us, even when we feel slow, dimwitted, and ridiculously incompetent a lot of the time.

I pray we would receive it.
That we would find hope in it.
That we would move forward, pressing on toward what lies ahead…but simultaneously being content where we are at, no matter our circumstances.
Being excited about where we are heading and who we are becoming….and excited about who we are and where the Lord has already brought us from so far.

Still imperfect, yet deeply loved.

I found the man of my dreams and all my problems have disappeared!
Would you believe it if I said it were true?
And, maybe if you don’t fully believe it, does a small part of you kind of believe it?

That if you just found the right guy, then things in your life would get a lot better…?
You’d never be lonely. You’d never be insecure. You’d never be jealous. You’d never doubt. You’d finally have this piece of life figured out and you could focus on other things, right?

I’m happy to report that it’s not true.
The movies, the books, the magazines, the Facebook timelines that depict a life of perfection once the husband and kids come along…? The problems don’t disappear… they just change, they shift. Oftentimes they are even enhanced.

Let’s take two sinful people and put them together for the rest of their life. They will sleep together, eat together, raise children together, sometimes even work together. Let’s take two people with different upbringings, different traditions, different values, different perspectives. Let’s put them together and expect there to only be happily-ever-afters. Let’s forget to mention the struggle to effectively communicate (in ways that are also gentle and respectful), the struggle to constantly be selfless, the struggle to unconditionally love. Let’s forget to talk about sacrifice, compromise, the altering of plans and hopes and dreams.

When I think about all of that, I truly believe it’s a miracle that any marriage survives.

I feel like I’ve had time to process through the pros and cons of being in a marriage-type relationship. If I’m being honest, there were times in my past, while able to acknowledge all the hardships of what that type of relationship can bring, it didn’t matter. All I could see was a life-long companion who I could love deeply and vice versa. My eyes were glossed over and I felt like all my problems could vanish if only I could get married. It was a chosen naivety. I wanted it so desperately sometimes that I wasn’t willing to consider the negatives of the situations I was in. I wanted it so desperately that sometimes (even if brief), I was willing to consider taking anyone who might possibly want me.

All that to say, I didn’t enter into my current relationship lightly. I did it, fully knowing that this wasn’t the solution to my problems. This wouldn’t be what saved me. In fact, in the conversation that led to us deciding to date, one of his bigger concerns involved this very issue. His past had brought him to a place of recognizing how attached the heart can become and how very crushed it can get. He, in no way, wanted to ever crush me… and he feared he could.

I remember telling him, very clearly, that I was okay. That with or without him, I was okay. That the Lord had me and that he, as my boyfriend, couldn’t take responsibility for ‘crushing’ me. Sure, things might end in heartbreak….but that’s different than devastation, a squandering of my whole being. And sure, even if things worked out, that there might be heartaches and disappointments along the way…but that’s different than him ever ruining me. And even if there’s joy and excitement and lots of love… it’s a far cry from him ever saving me or fixing all my problems. 

I don’t want anyone to ever look at my life and let this be the end of my story. “Debbie was a cool single lady, aspired after the Lord in all things, was faithful and eventually (even after tears, doubts and giving up from time to time) met the man of her dreams.” That can’t be the end. Because the story still goes on. My problems aren’t solved. My relationship doesn’t save me, it doesn’t fix me. There’s still junk, there’s still refining, there’s still learning how to live life with a man (which sometimes, honestly, sounds terrifying and exhausting….while simultaneously sounding wonderful and adventurous).

Meeting the man doesn’t solve anything.
I mostly wish we’d be women who truly believe that.
That as much as we can be hopeful for the day when it happens for us, that we never let ourselves believe that we’ve found the answer when he comes along.

Because being single isn’t the problem. It’s what we become, what we do, how we think that becomes the problem when we let our singleness define us. And that stuff doesn’t just disappear when we meet the guy.

He won’t save you.
He won’t fix all your problems.
You’ll still be lonely, jealous, insecure… and then you have the added on problem of the guy who can’t understand why you’d ever feel that way when he’s right there.

He doesn’t fill the void. He can’t. He was never meant to.

I have found the man of my dreams, and I still have problems. Some things get better, some things get harder.
My story goes on.
We’ll wrestle through them together because we both fervently believe that, while we can’t save each other, we must look to and point each other to the One who can. It’s the only way we’ll survive. It’s the only way it’ll work.

And, it’ll be a miracle when it does.
Because it’s hard.
And we both have problems, we’re both still sinners.

And yet, we have been saved.
I have found the man of my dreams, and I am so thankful.
But the story has hardly begun.