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“You have great hair! Is it naturally curly?”

My heart leapt with joy at the flight attendants compliment and I discreetly pumped my fist in the air after answering her.

“Did you hear that?!” I hissed to my husband as we boarded the plane. “Someone finally complimented me on my hair instead of you getting a compliment on your hair.” It was a small victory to write down in the books.

I couldn’t remember the last time it had happened, honestly. He gets compliments all.the.time. And these are the problems you run into when you marry a man with long, luscious, blonde locks *sigh*. I certainly didn’t anticipate him stealing all of my hair compliments when we entered into our relationship. And I certainly didn’t anticipate all the other weird parts that come with long-haired men.  Sometimes I even threaten a little Delilah action in the middle of the night…

He loses hair ties. He breaks hair ties. We share hair ties. We’ve bought more hair ties since being together than I’ve bought in five years (or something like that).

Things I didn’t anticipate.

Sometimes, when we’re running out the door, he rushes back into the bathroom to fix his hair. It wasn’t pulled up right, so he needs a mirror to re-do it. I get it. I do it, too. But, that was my reason to be late…it wasn’t supposed to be my husband’s.

There’s hair in the drain. Hair on the floor. Hair in the food (just kidding, that’s usually mine). It’s a good thing I am brunette and he is blonde because I always know who is to blame.

He often flops his Fabio hair in my face when he turns, or bends down and stands back up, or leans forward than sits back up. He swears it’s not on purpose, but I’m convinced he wants me to be aware of how great his hair is and acknowledge it. I mostly get concerned when he adopts these same mannerisms around strangers and whips his hair back and forth. “What are you doing?!?“

He loves braids.
He likes it when people play with his hair.
He thinks I’m jealous.

Things I didn’t anticipate.

But, it’s okay.
Even with his compliment stealing, loose strands everywhere, drain clogging, and breaking of hair ties… I still love him. And his hair is beautiful.

Mostly it’s just funny. Something to laugh about and (occasionally) be annoyed by. Because it’s all worth it. And now we’re one. Unified. One braid, under God.

Things I didn’t anticipate, with a man I didn’t anticipate…
But it’s always better than what I hoped for and imagined.
And it’s always full of surprises.

I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.

“It’s just different.”

They were words I muttered too often as I doomed myself to a certain loneliness as a single lady. In my mind, the moment a friend got married, there was just no way that we could ever connect in the same way we had before. I would still be single and they were now married. We were too different. Obviously. It’s as though sex changed everything. Or a life partner. I don’t know. I just knew that they would never understand the fullness of my emotions. We were in different life stages now.

Woe is me.
And so I isolated myself further from people as we got older. Before long, my options for friendship consisted of the few late twenty-somethings that were single or the young twenty-somethings that definitely couldn’t understand my plight. It’s as though just being around married people served as a reminder that I was very much single. Always the third wheel. Who wants that?

But now I’ve crossed over.
Initially I felt a disconnect (even though I probably only created it in my mind). Single people won’t think that I can relate to them anymore now that I’m married. I convinced myself.  It’s just different. They might even dislike me now!

And I get it.
But I don’t.

Because I’ve been there.
The last decade of my life of struggling through the ups and downs of being single, owning single, loving single, hating single… those years aren’t lost. I just maybe have a bit more hope in my cynical nature than I used to. But the years were real. And, it’s not that different. I’m not that different.

Maybe I have to spend money differently, or adjust to a bedmate, or learn better communication skills, or how to be an introvert with someone right beside me…. but it doesn’t mean that I have to spend every waking hour with my husband. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to have conversations, friendships, adventures with people outside of him. It doesn’t mean that I can’t possibly understand the frustrations that result in being single… whether that’s through my own stupid expectations or the ones I feel like the Church or society is placing on me.

Because I do.
I get it.

And my point is that I fear it’s far too easy for us to isolate ourselves from others for one reason or another, especially as a single person. There are always a lot of excuses for not making an effort, for not reaching out, for not accepting the reach outs…. and one of mine was: but they’re married. And now, I just think: SO?

So what.
I fear that I spent too many years pushing a way, running from, believing this lie that I had to live in solitude because others wouldn’t understand, believing wholeheartedly that they could no longer relate. How can my friend who has been married since she was twenty, who is birthing children, possibly get it?

I bet she could.
If I had given her a chance.
Because we aren’t that different.
Because those don’t have to be the things that define us.

I’m still broken and I still need people. People that the Lord places in my life who remind me of His love, His grace, His faithfulness and goodness. People who are older, people who are parents, people who are younger….sometimes even children. People who are in a different life stage than me (*gasp*). And together, as we live in community… refining happens. Together, as we share life… we grow. We start to look a lot more like Jesus when we graciously open ourselves and our hearts up to those who are “different” by allowing them to know us and seeking to know them.

It’s not that different.
It is.
But it isn’t.
Not enough to separate us from each other when all we’re really craving is to be known and loved.

Last night I made:

Pork tenderloin
Mashed potatoes
Homemade rolls
Chocolate Chip Cookies
(we’ll consider potatoes a vegetable right now)
And I wore an apron with nothing on underneath.
Just kidding.
But, I could have.

I’m a wife now.

I’m amazed by how quickly food goes now that I live with a man. I used to make a pizza for myself and eat leftovers for a few days… and now I’m lucky if we get leftovers at all. 

Things no one warned me about.

There’s someone who now sleeps in my bed but rarely goes to sleep at the same time as me (partially because I’m a grandma and partially because he’s a night owl who requires less sleep than I do). Now I must learn to fall asleep to a small reading light in my normally pitch black room. No one told me about this before I said, “I do”.

Despite what everyone makes your virgin self think the days before your wedding, you don’t just have sex all the time as a newlywed. I actually think people are scared to come over, to invite us over, to call, to text, to email…because it might interfere with our sexual escapades. Perhaps I’m not like the rest of the newlyweds in the world, but we truly have lots of time for other things in life. Including friendships. We actually even like to hang out with other people. Crazy, I know.

I made a trip to Target by myself the other day to pick up a few items of necessity. On a normal occasion, I might have wandered through the clothing section and at least thought about purchasing a new item or two for myself. As I walked in the door, I looked longingly to my left and quickly veered right. I hadn’t discussed unnecessary financial decisions with my husband and I couldn’t very well spend $30 on an article of clothing and then be upset if he did the same (because, let’s be honest… I’d probably be upset about his super unnecessary purchase). While everyone warns you about the financial stresses in marriage, I didn’t really think about the fact that even smaller amounts of money warrant a bit of discussion. So much for my boyfriend cardigan spontaneous purchases.

So, life is different.
No one can possibly warn you of all the ways it’s going to change, either. What’s weird for me probably isn’t weird for the person next to me… and what I find easy, someone else might find incredibly hard.
It’s a good different, though.
There’s just learning period, a transition time that’s necessary.

You don’t brush your teeth at night every night?
But I don’t really ever floss?
Let’s agree not to judge the other’s personal hygiene habits too much…  yet. We’re both mostly… clean.

Things no one warned me about.

We’re all really good at speaking from our own experiences. The things that work for us and the things that don’t work for us. I think that sometimes I got really good at assuming those things would often apply to me and my marriage. Or, I forgot that the overarching lessons in marriage don’t always apply to the day to day.

And so we learn.
We grow.
We communicate.

“Are you okay?”
“Yes! Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You’re just sort of quiet.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not used to being around someone allllll.the.time. I’m great. Truly.”                                                                                                        “Okay. Just wanted to check.” 

And then we move on.
We laugh a lot. We roll our eyes a lot.

But mostly we’re just thankful.
Even if no one really warned us.
Each day we get to wake up and choose to love each other, bad breath and all.
Each day we get to decide how and if we’ll serve the other.
Each day we get to choose our words carefully.
Each day we get to put action to our desire to be an example of the Gospel in this world.

Once again, I’m thankful that the Lord is strong when we are weak.
Once again, I’m thankful that He is sufficient.
And I’m thankful that both of us need Him first and foremost, before we can ever lean on each other.

Spending a decade watching a flurry of weddings/marriages before my own lends itself quite easily to a lot of misconceptions.

There are a lot of ‘nevers’ mentioned as you attend wedding after wedding.  I will never, ever do that…(you know, flowers, dresses, decorations, colors, themes, songs, etc., etc., etc.) and then, of course, there are the list of things you truly love and want as part of your special day. That list is often a lot smaller. At least it was for me.

Then there are the ‘nevers’ that arise when you think about being married to someone. I will never talk to my husband about going number two, was one of mine.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about wedding/marriage ‘nevers’, it’s like most things in life: never say never.

I quickly became a person who:

• had an outdoor wedding when it was probably too hot
• had my bridesmaids buy dresses that they’ll probably never wear again
• didn’t allot enough time to get ready on my wedding day 
• had a ceremony that was longer than 15 minutes
• spent more money than I wanted
• rushed out of the reception too early (but I at least I didn’t stay too long…?)
• …which then caused me to not see all the people I wanted to see/talk to
• had sparklers (but, I don’t think the smoke was too bad…) 
• had reds that didn’t match 
• saw friends and family the day after the wedding

 And then, in marriage, I was suddenly a person who:

• had to tell my husband when nature called (you sort of have to when the room on your honeymoon looks like this, with only a towel to barricade any possible view of my toileted self). 
• wants to be around my spouse at all times, even when it means watching the Dallas Cowboys play at Buffalo Wild Wings for several hours. 

Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking, “Marriage?! Really?! Is that what I really want and am made for?”

Because sometimes I just think about all the things I won’t be able to do anymore. I think about all the sacrifices and sharing and ways that I’ve gotten really good at living life by myself and how I’m not entirely certain that I’ll be great at doing it with someone else. I think about how I’m introverted and I like being alone. About how I like sleeping on the left side of my bed and kicking my feet around to find cold spots when I get hot. I like having my own bathroom and spending as much or as little time as I want getting ready in the morning. I like eating my lunch at work by myself. I like doing what I want, when I want.

Marriage…
Really?! 

We’re less than 20 days away from kick-off and I’m not having any doubts… just giant reality checks. Marriage is a big deal. It’s the only thing I’ve ever consistently wanted in my entire life and now that we’re coming upon the deadline, a million questions soar through my mind. Mostly they just remind me that I’m selfish. Mostly they remind me that I need Jesus.

It’s not him.
It’s me. Entirely.

Which spirals me further into my path of selfishness. At various points, my mind becomes so focused on what I can and can’t give, who I can and can’t be, what I want over what he wants (as if my desires somehow matter more).

Yet…
He is kind.
He is patient.
He is gentle.
He is loving.
He has self-control.
He is joyful.
He has a peace that passes all understanding.
He is good.
He is faithful.
(none of these perfectly, of course… he’s still human, after all)

He’s more than anything I could have ever picked out for myself and I can’t imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. It’s just a lot to take in. A lot of change. And suddenly, my life that looked so very different from the vast majority of my friends (with spouses and babies) starts to look a little more like theirs. I think that alone freaks me out a little. I’m used to being different. I’m used to being alone.

There’s a season for everything, and my season for singleness is over (finally).

Big gulps.
Change.
It’s happening.
I’m thrilled. Terrified. Eager. Anxious. Thankful. Learning.

There’s a fuller picture of what it means to need Jesus every day as I long to love others like He does. I cannot do it without Him. I cannot get married without the Lord at the center of it. I cannot vow to be all of these things, to do all of these things until death do we part without daily pleading that He show me how to be more like Him through sacrifice and selflessness. Without daily choosing to love and respect a man who is so wonderfully imperfect.

Guys.
I’m getting married.
I can’t even comprehend how I could have ever been ready for the magnitude of this commitment before… and, yet again, I’m thankful for how sweet and perfect the Lord’s timing truly is.

These days, there’s a common thread that weaves its way in and out of conversations.

“DEBBIE! YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED SO SOON”

I know.
I know.
Holy cow.

In 50 days, I’ll be making one of the biggest life-commitments there is. In the midst of all the other wedding stuff going on, I recognize that it can seem pretty insignificant. Just another wedding. But, as time draws closer and as the busyness of summer camp wanes… there it is. The reality of sharing everything in my life with another human being.

While I don’t know the half of what that actually entails, I’m pretty excited. The last few months of no longer being long distance (and even working side-by-side) has allowed us ample opportunity to frustrate and annoy each other, and push to love each other through it all. And, at the end of every day, I’m still just thankful. Thankful that I had to wait for him. Thankful that the Lord spared me from all other relationships so that this time could come. Thankful that it can actually be this good. I had no idea that my seemingly unrealistic hopes could actually be exceeded.

People are excited for me.
Sometimes, I think, more than other people. I think it’s because I’m ‘old’. Everyone else getting married is 5-10 years younger than me (including my fiance). Sometimes I feel like a beacon of hope for many single women out there. If it can finally happen for Debbie… maybe it’ll happen for me. And oftentimes, I feel like there’s still a… but I hope it happens for me sooner than 30! 

I get that.
I hoped for that, too (over and over again).
But I’m so glad it didn’t work out like that.
Even with all the lonely nights, the tears that were shed, the heartbreaks, the disappointments, the endless attempts to kill every longing in me that hoped for a lasting, God-glorifying relationship…

It was always better this way. I just didn’t know it yet.
In fact, I feel like I was given something that a lot of people who get married younger don’t always get. Something that I would have never chosen for myself, but something that I now cherish.

Time.
Time to figure out who I am and who I want to be.
Time to figure out what I want in life, what my passions are, what it looks like to follow my dreams.
Time to do the things I want to do, without having to worry about someone else(s) or financial stresses. Time to travel. Time to go to back to school and then leave school spontaneously.

I love that I’ve gotten to see and do great things. I love that I had a chance to become a better version of myself before I entered into this crazy, lifelong covenant. I love that I’ve had to learn, grow, push through the periods of wanting and not getting….seeking to choose Jesus through it all. I love that my identity is rooted in something beyond the man I’m marrying.

And not that getting married younger is bad or wrong or that you can’t learn all this stuff while being married, I’m just thankful that it wasn’t the plan the Lord had for me. I’m thankful for what I got to have during that time of singleness.

Cherish the time.
Cherish the moments.
Cherish the friendships you have because your single (because, you have them–whether you want to admit it or not).
Cherish who you are becoming.

Live boldly, freely, spontaneously, unexpectedly.
Seize opportunities.
Choose integrity and obedience, seek to become more like Jesus in all things, hold yourself to a higher standard.
Dream big, follow passions, dabble in the open door of possibilities.

Don’t feel limited in your singleness.
Don’t feel stuck.
Don’t resent it.

It’s good.
It’s a blessing.
For this time, in this season… ask the Lord to show you how to embrace the fullness of it. And trust that He’s got the rest under control. Trust that it truly will happen unexpectedly, but better than you could have dreamed. Trust that He is a good and faithful God.

I want that for you.
While you can’t always see the big picture, I want you to walk into it faithfully. I want you to keep hoping. Keep dreaming. Keep laughing.

Because life is good.
And even if you’re 25, 30, 45, 60, 73… single, waiting, hoping…
Cherish the time that you have.
Where you’re at, as long as you’re seeking to follow the Lord wholeheartedly, is exactly where you need to be- no matter your circumstances.

Find the joy.