A Forgotten Humanity

I’ve been wondering lately if Jesus would have voted if He were an American citizen.

I’ve been wondering if or how He would partake in the rhetoric that has become so normalized. Humanity at its finest. Blame. Accusation. Defense. Disbelief. Mockery. Meanness. Entitlement. Superiority.

Perhaps it’s a classic case of just needing to look at my 1990s W.W.J.D. bracelet… but, I really have wondered what role He would assume in our current culture. Because that has some bearing on how, when, or if I do (or don’t) get involved. It’s as though politics, pandemics, movements, and impossible-to-please-everyone decisions have stripped people of their humanity. And we have forgotten that on the other side of a policy, or a protest, or a political party, or a television screen, or a social media post, or a decision we don’t like… that there are real people with real souls.

It feels somewhat ironic, given the causes (or people) we are often fighting for.

Oh, I thought the Bible said…

But somehow, our […hatred, harsh words, thoughts, opinions…] are justified. As if we are living as though Scripture says, “Value others above yourselves…except if you disagree with them, if they offend you, or if they seem ignorant. Then it’s okay to disregard them, speak poorly of them, and assume you are better than them.”

Or, “Love only the people who are just like you, the ones who you agree with, get along with… you know, the ones who look like you, believe like you, vote like you, and act like you. It doesn’t matter if you love anyone else. Those other people, they aren’t worth saving or caring about.”

Because we are the ones who are “right” and that begins to matter abundantly more than the people. Whether it’s our stance, our prejudices, our experiences, our knowledge, our understanding of the issue at hand, the way we are personally impacted… somehow this provides us with a “truth” that excuses us from kindness, grace, and love. It becomes perfectly acceptable to think or make generalized (and sometimes atrocious) statements about groups of people and/or individuals.

How do I be a Christian right now?

It’s been a baffling season to live in as a Christian. Maybe for you, too.

I wonder if I’m not doing enough, or saying enough, or being enough – or maybe I’m doing too much. I am often in disbelief that I can claim the same identity as another (a child of God) and yet when we are both looking at a square, I see a circle and they see a triangle. How can this be? What am I missing?

I’ve struggled with the lack of unity that grows more apparent each day. Is there any room in this world to disagree on politics, or the economy, or how to stand up against injustice, or decisions that are made… but still hold one another in high regard, to show honor, to heap blessings upon the other? Is there any thought of (or desire for) harmonious living?

I have been overwhelmingly challenged lately to check my heart, ever-aware of the judgment and disbelief that so readily surfaces. “I can’t believe she would say that… or believe that… or do that…”, “He is such a…”, “Don’t these idiots know that…?”

I am ruined

And when I look deeply within, I am ashamed at what I encounter. A spirit of pride. A feeling that I am “right”, and that I know “better”. Criticism, doubt, anger. An inability to see people as image-bearers of the Most High God. Woe to me…I am ruined!

For me to forget that I am just as human, just as fallible, just as broken… just as in need of saving grace as the person posting to my right or to my left. How dare I? How dare I forage for the ounce of disagreeableness within you while I carry a hefty load of filth within me (a load that I conveniently choose to ignore, or dismiss as ‘not as big a deal’). How mortifying that I might condemn you, but be so unwilling to admit that I could be wrong…

Have I forgotten what I have been saved from? Have I lost sight of the depth, the weight, the gravity of my sin… ? Do I remember that blood was shed to set me…us…free? Have I forgotten the Gospel?!

What a disgrace to think that I might know you well enough to know what you have been through and how that shapes your worldview. What ignorance for me to assume that my way, my understanding, my perspective is right or truth. What pride, when I refuse to really hear you or care for you, even if we don’t see the world in the same way. What shame, that I am willing to judge your actions when I cannot possibly know what decisions you have been forced to make.

I am sorry.

Will you forgive me? Will you forgive the harsh or insensitive words that I have spoken or written? Can you somehow put my grossly judgmental thoughts in the past and trudge through our differences to find a place where we can see each other as humans once again (or, maybe, for the first time)?

Can we find the time and space to care about each other? To know each other? To move past the assumptions and exist in a world where we both strive to find common ground?

And, Jesus, will You forgive me, too?

As I consider You, the Triune God who is sovereign in all things, I fall on my face… undeserving of your grace. I bring pride, selfishness, self-righteousness, and, often, an unwillingness to love my brothers and sisters – the ones You call sons and daughters. But Lord, if I know anything about Your call on my life, it’s that I cannot claim to love you and not love others. You even ask me to love my enemies… the people who laugh at my failures, the ones who smile at my pain. The ones who have caused me deep pain. The very people I want to hate.

So Father, teach me how to love. Show me how. Help me do it when I cannot on my own. May You find me willing, ready, and actively seeking to show Your love in this world, during a time when humanity feels so divided…. so…. forgotten.

Yeah, but he’s still a…

And Lord, help me to actively confess my pride, my judgments, my condemnation of others and their opinions/actions/words when it surfaces. Help me to do so, even when I feel under attack. Even if I have to do it over and over and over again.

There is no world in which I believe You condone those thoughts, those accusations, those words toward or about others – regardless of what they say, write, believe, or do. Show me how rid myself of any excuse or justification of sin or ill-will toward others. To live with the type of humility that Christ did. To be a person who, in addition to love, brings joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control to those around me. Give me wisdom on how to act, think, and speak in today’s world.

God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Can’t Get No Satisfaction.

I feel like I’ve been writing this blog and can sometimes have these easy-sounding solutions for you: surrender, let go, stop doing what you’re doing, love others even when it’s hard… do this, do that, don’t do this, definitely don’t do that.

I want to apologize.

I think the point of this blog was to admit how not easy any of this is. To admit that I’m struggling sometimes, and that there often isn’t this simple solution to all of our problems in life. And that sometimes, I think that’s okay.

People want answers though.
We want a way to deal with our problems and our pain… and we want the solution to be instantaneous. Unfortunately, that’s not typically how it works. And oftentimes, what works for one person doesn’t always work for another person. And yet, we are people who continually offer up steps and solutions to comfort others.

I wonder if we might be okay acknowledging that there’s not always a ‘right’ way of doing things. There’s not always a ‘right’ way to achieve freedom over specific sin. There’s not always a ‘right’ way of moving on or getting over tragedies in life.

I’m sorry if I’ve ever made it sound like anything was an ‘easy-fix’. It’s not. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made it sound like I’ve got all the answers and have anything figured out. I don’t. I really, really don’t.

I’m struggling.
Yesterday was my birthday and it sounded more enticing to sit on my couch and watch tv all day than it did to allow anyone to show me that they care about me. Because, when it comes down to it, I think I don’t really believe that people do. I feel like people have this obligation toward me… that sometimes I become this charitable cause to them. They don’t care about me because I’m worth caring about… they care about me because that’s what they are ‘supposed’ to do.

There’s a lot of stuff that just keeps surfacing within me and I desperately want to know why I am the way I am. I heard this quote recently that essentially said that when people are looking for the bad in someone, they are always going to find it. I felt like it summed me up in a nutshell. I’m always looking for the bad in everything, and I always find it. I focus on it. I let it consume me. When I think people are only caring for me out of obligation, I find every reason that could possibly be true and I believe it.

And so then I think on ‘special days’, like my birthday, that I really hope I don’t see the bad, I really hope that someone will prove me wrong and care about me to the point where I don’t ever doubt it.  But, I do doubt….and it ruins everything. Instead of joy and excitement, I feel dread and sorrow. Instead of laughter and celebration, tears run down my cheeks.

It’s a life of disappointment.
Ultimately, it’s a life consumed with myself. A life consumed by wanting to feel special, of wanting to feel important, of wanting to feel like I matter. A life where I feel like I can’t get very much of the stuff that matters ‘right’. I’m never joyful enough, I don’t love enough, I don’t serve consistently, I don’t have enough faith…
A life of no satisfaction.

I don’t have a solution this time.

I don’t know how to not be this person anymore. I feel like I’ve tried. Pray, read the Bible, pray some more, fake it until I make it…. but at the end of the day, I’m just a sinner saved by grace.

My hope awaits me. The hope of an eternal glory.
And right now, I’m just thankful for the second chances…because they are so necessary.

Today I want to be okay with not being okay. I want to be okay acknowledging that I’m a work in progress… and that I always will be in this life. I don’t have to have the answers today.

But, I have to keep waking up and hoping…

Here I go.

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