Category: fear

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A Forgotten Humanity

I’ve been wondering lately if Jesus would have voted if He were an American citizen.

I’ve been wondering if or how He would partake in the rhetoric that has become so normalized. Humanity at its finest. Blame. Accusation. Defense. Disbelief. Mockery. Meanness. Entitlement. Superiority.

Perhaps it’s a classic case of just needing to look at my 1990s W.W.J.D. bracelet… but, I really have wondered what role He would assume in our current culture. Because that has some bearing on how, when, or if I do (or don’t) get involved. It’s as though politics, pandemics, movements, and impossible-to-please-everyone decisions have stripped people of their humanity. And we have forgotten that on the other side of a policy, or a protest, or a political party, or a television screen, or a social media post, or a decision we don’t like… that there are real people with real souls.

It feels somewhat ironic, given the causes (or people) we are often fighting for.

Oh, I thought the Bible said…

But somehow, our […hatred, harsh words, thoughts, opinions…] are justified. As if we are living as though Scripture says, “Value others above yourselves…except if you disagree with them, if they offend you, or if they seem ignorant. Then it’s okay to disregard them, speak poorly of them, and assume you are better than them.”

Or, “Love only the people who are just like you, the ones who you agree with, get along with… you know, the ones who look like you, believe like you, vote like you, and act like you. It doesn’t matter if you love anyone else. Those other people, they aren’t worth saving or caring about.”

Because we are the ones who are “right” and that begins to matter abundantly more than the people. Whether it’s our stance, our prejudices, our experiences, our knowledge, our understanding of the issue at hand, the way we are personally impacted… somehow this provides us with a “truth” that excuses us from kindness, grace, and love. It becomes perfectly acceptable to think or make generalized (and sometimes atrocious) statements about groups of people and/or individuals.

How do I be a Christian right now?

It’s been a baffling season to live in as a Christian. Maybe for you, too.

I wonder if I’m not doing enough, or saying enough, or being enough – or maybe I’m doing too much. I am often in disbelief that I can claim the same identity as another (a child of God) and yet when we are both looking at a square, I see a circle and they see a triangle. How can this be? What am I missing?

I’ve struggled with the lack of unity that grows more apparent each day. Is there any room in this world to disagree on politics, or the economy, or how to stand up against injustice, or decisions that are made… but still hold one another in high regard, to show honor, to heap blessings upon the other? Is there any thought of (or desire for) harmonious living?

I have been overwhelmingly challenged lately to check my heart, ever-aware of the judgment and disbelief that so readily surfaces. “I can’t believe she would say that… or believe that… or do that…”, “He is such a…”, “Don’t these idiots know that…?”

I am ruined

And when I look deeply within, I am ashamed at what I encounter. A spirit of pride. A feeling that I am “right”, and that I know “better”. Criticism, doubt, anger. An inability to see people as image-bearers of the Most High God. Woe to me…I am ruined!

For me to forget that I am just as human, just as fallible, just as broken… just as in need of saving grace as the person posting to my right or to my left. How dare I? How dare I forage for the ounce of disagreeableness within you while I carry a hefty load of filth within me (a load that I conveniently choose to ignore, or dismiss as ‘not as big a deal’). How mortifying that I might condemn you, but be so unwilling to admit that I could be wrong…

Have I forgotten what I have been saved from? Have I lost sight of the depth, the weight, the gravity of my sin… ? Do I remember that blood was shed to set me…us…free? Have I forgotten the Gospel?!

What a disgrace to think that I might know you well enough to know what you have been through and how that shapes your worldview. What ignorance for me to assume that my way, my understanding, my perspective is right or truth. What pride, when I refuse to really hear you or care for you, even if we don’t see the world in the same way. What shame, that I am willing to judge your actions when I cannot possibly know what decisions you have been forced to make.

I am sorry.

Will you forgive me? Will you forgive the harsh or insensitive words that I have spoken or written? Can you somehow put my grossly judgmental thoughts in the past and trudge through our differences to find a place where we can see each other as humans once again (or, maybe, for the first time)?

Can we find the time and space to care about each other? To know each other? To move past the assumptions and exist in a world where we both strive to find common ground?

And, Jesus, will You forgive me, too?

As I consider You, the Triune God who is sovereign in all things, I fall on my face… undeserving of your grace. I bring pride, selfishness, self-righteousness, and, often, an unwillingness to love my brothers and sisters – the ones You call sons and daughters. But Lord, if I know anything about Your call on my life, it’s that I cannot claim to love you and not love others. You even ask me to love my enemies… the people who laugh at my failures, the ones who smile at my pain. The ones who have caused me deep pain. The very people I want to hate.

So Father, teach me how to love. Show me how. Help me do it when I cannot on my own. May You find me willing, ready, and actively seeking to show Your love in this world, during a time when humanity feels so divided…. so…. forgotten.

Yeah, but he’s still a…

And Lord, help me to actively confess my pride, my judgments, my condemnation of others and their opinions/actions/words when it surfaces. Help me to do so, even when I feel under attack. Even if I have to do it over and over and over again.

There is no world in which I believe You condone those thoughts, those accusations, those words toward or about others – regardless of what they say, write, believe, or do. Show me how rid myself of any excuse or justification of sin or ill-will toward others. To live with the type of humility that Christ did. To be a person who, in addition to love, brings joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control to those around me. Give me wisdom on how to act, think, and speak in today’s world.

God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

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Too Extroverted to Tango?

The comment:

Why do extroverted girls become introverts around guys? I am talking to a group of friends hanging out, chillin’, laughing… then along comes a guy that I do not know- it’s cool- there may be not interest on my part- But my mind goes blank of how to interact with them- I care too much what their impression of me is- therefore forfeit every part of my true identity and fade into the abyss,  my hide away- aka I run, leave, don’t try and become a hermit in my loneliness.

I mostly just think you’re scared.
Of what…?
Probably a few things. I don’t know all the elements of your past, and so I’m not sure how your past wounds and hurts play into your interactions today but it’s quite apparent that they do.

Here are a few immediate things that come to mind though:

  • What if they like you and you don’t like them back? No one likes to tell someone else that they’re not interested. It’s awkward and icky and there’s the chance that if your extroverted self is extroverted around guys, they could get the wrong idea. It’s probably happened before… as extroverted girls can easily send guys the wrong message without meaning to. The world would be a whole lot more simple if you could always be yourself and not worry about how your actions might affect others, huh? This would be the fear of confrontation. 
  • What if they like you and you maybe, sort of like them back? Not actually like them, but are interested enough to entertain the idea of more in your head…which naturally will come out with your actions. You’ll eventually find yourself flirting with them and laughing with them and, before you know it, you might even start dating someone you’re not entirely sold on… just because the attention was nice in the beginning. It’s hard to get out of these once you’re in them, and so it’s easier to not even mess with the possibility from the get go. This might be defined as the fear of getting involved in something you don’t really want. 
  • What if you like them and they don’t like you? Sometimes the extroverted-ness (I know it’s not a word…) moves you into a place of being overly flirtatious with a guy that you truly are interested in. You find yourself doing and saying things that you wish you wouldn’t…but you can’t seem to help yourself. You’re not necessarily meaning to do/say them in front of this guy, but when you’re really yourself, you kind of just let it all out and lose any sort of filter you might have had. There’s the fear of letting him see who you really are and him rejecting you. Vulnerable city? I think yes. 
  • What if they like you and you really like them back? Sometimes, when you put yourself all out there, a guy just might embrace the fullness of who you are….and he just might want to pursue you and love you for the rest of your life. Could it be?! I know it’s hard to believe, and I know it’s hard to accept…but sometimes we aren’t who we truly are because we walk in fear of believing that God would ever want anything good for us (especially in this area of life). Or maybe we’re fearful of commitment…or maybe we’re fearful that love actually exists and the ramifications of what that means for us is absolutely life-altering. 
There might be a few other ways fear could be driving you… but, I think, at the root, the issue is fear. You let the ‘what-if’s rule you and control you, and, as a result, you lose part of who you are every time you interact with the opposite sex. 
I always thought that I needed to be a certain way in order for a man to ever want to date me. I needed to be calmer, I needed to be a little less weird…maybe even a little less awkward. And then I watched friend after friend get married off (friends who are weird and crazy)…and I watched them be the fullness of who they are with their husbands. Now I’ve just realized that I’m going to be who I am and a lot of guys won’t like me or want to date me…and that’s okay. I’m quite sure I don’t want to date most of them, either. But there will be one. One who will choose to love me…despite everything else. I’m still hopeful for that…and I’m not altering myself in the process. 
I’d encourage you to do the same. To walk in the assurance that it doesn’t matter and there’s no need to be fearful… that you might live in the fullness of who you are, no matter who surrounds you, no matter who walks in the room. You might have some awkward conversations of letting a guy down gently, you might feel rejected, you might end up in some pseudo-relationship that you don’t want (try and have some accountability in this, though). It’s all okay… it’s all refining…and it’s all freeing. 
Be you. 
It’ll be the one of the most attractive things about you. 
And, you never know. Maybe he’ll like you and maybe you’ll really like him back. 
You won’t know until you’re you, though. 
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Scared & Hiding

I started writing this blog thinking that it would cater to a younger female audience. My vision was that high school and college-age girls would identify the most with my rants about the craziness of the female race.

Turns out that my rants about crazy girls are more sporadic and my random thoughts about issues in life seem to be the overwhelming theme of this blog.

I’ve been incredibly surprised by the amount and type of people who consistently seem to keep up, though. Moms, youth pastors, 30-year-old men, single women in their late 20’s, college guys… and of course, the high school and college-age girls. It’s weird..
But it makes me wonder how much we’re all (no matter where we are at in life) really searching for answers. It makes me wonder if deep down, none us really feel like we know anything at all. That as much as we can speak with authority and conviction on certain subjects… I wonder how much we’re really hiding. I wonder how many of us are scared of being known, scared of being discovered, scared of failing. 
In the last 5 years or so I had this vision of writing a book some day. It was to be a book about fighting. A book about not having all the answers, a book about struggling to live each day and letting that be ‘normal’. 
I grew weary of reading so many Christian books that seemed to have all the answers for us. I was annoyed by the easy solutions and fixes to the things in my life that didn’t seem so easily fixable. I was frustrated by simple Christian phrases that are tossed around so easily, and when I took the time to really consider what they meant… I still wasn’t sure. 
Instead, I wanted to write a book that said, ‘Hey world, this is me… this is me raw, and broken, and not having anything together… but still believing in Jesus, still believing Jesus is worth it. This is me fighting for something better, hoping for something more… and sometimes failing and sometimes succeeding.’ It was to be an invitation for people to join me, for people to journey with me. A grand idea that the more we could all admit that we don’t have it figured out, the more something beautiful and changing could sweep across the world. 
I tried to write it. I wrote clips and bits of it. You’ve maybe read some of it here, actually. I even sent in a sample of it with the idea for the whole thing to be published.  Too personal, they told me. No one wants to read that type of thing. Maybe they’re right. 
So, I stopped writing for a long time– except for job required things. 
I got scared. 
I’m still scared. 
When I started up this blog in January, it didn’t come without fear, doubts and worries. Every day I debate whether or not I should keep writing, how often I should write, if anyone even cares about what I have to say. It’s been a battle. 
And I realize that the fear is consuming. 
I fear being judged, I fear disagreements, I fear being wrong, I fear failing. 
Do you? 
Yours might look different than mine (in fact, it probably does)… but, I can’t help but wonder in the deepest places of our hearts if we’re still searching. If we’re still searching to be known, but desperately scared of the fullness of what that means. If we’re still searching to fully believe in a God who sometimes seems full of contradictions. If we’re still searching to follow a Messiah who spoke in riddles and parables. If we’re still searching to find ourselves and simultaneously get over ourselves. 
And because we’re still searching, we are terrified. 
Does our fear of being found out, of being discovered… of being seen naked, exposed, vulnerable… does that fear drive us more than anything else? 
I sometimes think it does. 
What are the things you avoid, the things you run from, the things you put off… because of fear? 
How much of your life are you living in fear? 
Is there something that you know you should do, but you’ve been too scared to do? Whether that’s fulfill the purpose of your life, or have a hard conversation with someone, or quit your job, or move somewhere else, or forgive someone, or break up with someone, or propose to someone, or confess to someone… I don’t know… 
But, I just want to urge you to think about it.
And then to be willing to walk through the fear. 
I’m writing again. 
It doesn’t stop being scary, but I still keep doing it. It hasn’t been what I’ve expected, but it’s been good. 
What is it for you? 
Do it. 
Right now. 
And then tell me all about it. 
Deal? 
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