I feel like I’ve been writing this blog and can sometimes have these easy-sounding solutions for you: surrender, let go, stop doing what you’re doing, love others even when it’s hard… do this, do that, don’t do this, definitely don’t do that.
I want to apologize.
I think the point of this blog was to admit how not easy any of this is. To admit that I’m struggling sometimes, and that there often isn’t this simple solution to all of our problems in life. And that sometimes, I think that’s okay.
People want answers though.
We want a way to deal with our problems and our pain… and we want the solution to be instantaneous. Unfortunately, that’s not typically how it works. And oftentimes, what works for one person doesn’t always work for another person. And yet, we are people who continually offer up steps and solutions to comfort others.
I wonder if we might be okay acknowledging that there’s not always a ‘right’ way of doing things. There’s not always a ‘right’ way to achieve freedom over specific sin. There’s not always a ‘right’ way of moving on or getting over tragedies in life.
I’m sorry if I’ve ever made it sound like anything was an ‘easy-fix’. It’s not. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made it sound like I’ve got all the answers and have anything figured out. I don’t. I really, really don’t.
I’m struggling.
Yesterday was my birthday and it sounded more enticing to sit on my couch and watch tv all day than it did to allow anyone to show me that they care about me. Because, when it comes down to it, I think I don’t really believe that people do. I feel like people have this obligation toward me… that sometimes I become this charitable cause to them. They don’t care about me because I’m worth caring about… they care about me because that’s what they are ‘supposed’ to do.
There’s a lot of stuff that just keeps surfacing within me and I desperately want to know why I am the way I am. I heard this quote recently that essentially said that when people are looking for the bad in someone, they are always going to find it. I felt like it summed me up in a nutshell. I’m always looking for the bad in everything, and I always find it. I focus on it. I let it consume me. When I think people are only caring for me out of obligation, I find every reason that could possibly be true and I believe it.
And so then I think on ‘special days’, like my birthday, that I really hope I don’t see the bad, I really hope that someone will prove me wrong and care about me to the point where I don’t ever doubt it. But, I do doubt….and it ruins everything. Instead of joy and excitement, I feel dread and sorrow. Instead of laughter and celebration, tears run down my cheeks.
It’s a life of disappointment.
Ultimately, it’s a life consumed with myself. A life consumed by wanting to feel special, of wanting to feel important, of wanting to feel like I matter. A life where I feel like I can’t get very much of the stuff that matters ‘right’. I’m never joyful enough, I don’t love enough, I don’t serve consistently, I don’t have enough faith…
A life of no satisfaction.
I don’t have a solution this time.
I don’t know how to not be this person anymore. I feel like I’ve tried. Pray, read the Bible, pray some more, fake it until I make it…. but at the end of the day, I’m just a sinner saved by grace.
My hope awaits me. The hope of an eternal glory.
And right now, I’m just thankful for the second chances…because they are so necessary.
Today I want to be okay with not being okay. I want to be okay acknowledging that I’m a work in progress… and that I always will be in this life. I don’t have to have the answers today.
But, I have to keep waking up and hoping…
Here I go.