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A New Song

I recently remembered a phone call I received from a good friend several years ago.

It was one of those friends that you don’t have to talk to very often to feel close to. It was one of those phone calls where you feel helpless because there’s nothing you can do or say to make their situation any better. His dad had just died.

I remember tears streaming down my cheeks as he told me where he was at in the process of mourning. And while there was still such sorrow, there was this inexplicable joy that was undeniable in his tone.

More than anything, I remember him telling me that it was time to sing a new song. That while there was heartache and sadness, there was still the hope of new and different…there was still the hope that the while one season was coming to an end, there was the promise of better and good right around the corner.

I find myself uttering those words a lot since then.
I find myself clinging to that idea a lot….especially right now.

As summer wraps up, I find myself in a position that I haven’t been in for a long while. A season of my life is ending. A chapter has finished. It’s time to sing a new song.

I don’t know if I’ve had the time to process through the emotions that come with the change. Mostly I feel ready to jump into the unknown, but occasionally sorrow sets in as I realize the things I’m leaving behind.

I know I’ve been thinking a lot about my response to things ending, though. That while sometimes I can’t change my circumstances, there’s a lot of value in how I respond and react to things despite how hard and terrifying they may be.

Instead of being angry, instead of distancing myself, instead of sadness…what if I respond with hope of the endless possibilities that lie ahead? What if I finish well, and continue to love even through the heartache? What if I find joy in the beauty of singing a new song?

I don’t know where you’re at in life right now. Perhaps the end of summer means something new is just around the corner for you as well. Perhaps your circumstances have you in a place of significant change. Perhaps the changes mean good-byes, letting go, moving on.

I hope, if that’s you, that you can join me in approaching the change with hope. That together we might be willing to admit that there can be so much good, even when it means that something that we care for deeply has to die. That it is possible to sing a new song…and that new song could actually be a better song…even if it stings a little right now.

This time I don’t get the choice in singing a new song.
It’s what lies before me as the next few weeks unfold.
The choice now lies in the singing of a better song… and this I plan on doing.
With everything I am, I’m determined that the chapter just completed is not the best chapter in the book and that with each turning of the page, it just gets better, and better, and better.

That’s something worth hoping and striving for.
That’s something worth singing about.

Ready or not…

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He/She/I Should…

I often wonder how many of us are discontent in life.

Discontent because we’re not where we think we ‘should’ be.
‘Should’ could be a literal place, but I think, more often than not, it’s this state of existence that we’ve created for ourselves.

We ‘should’ be better Christians- we ‘should’ pray more, read our Bibles more, praise the Lord more, be more selfless, love others more.
We ‘should’ be happier- we ‘should’ be more joyful, despite our circumstances.
Our relationships ‘should’ be a romantic mess where everything else around us fades away and time stands still. A place where dreams are fulfilled and we are finally complete.

I’m mostly tired of ‘shoulds’.
‘Should’ has become this tragedy because it reminds me that almost nothing is exactly how it ‘should’ be. ‘Should’ has become an ideal that too often leaves me disappointed and scattered, searching for a trace of its existence in a fallen world.

A world of ‘shoulds’ has caused me to judge others harshly.
A world of ‘shoulds’ has caused me to never think I’m good enough.

In this world of ‘shoulds’ others should always be better and I should always try harder.

Too often I’m disappointed. Too often I’m discontent. Too often I exist in misery because my reality isn’t ever a fulfillment of the ‘shoulds’ but more often it’s a reminder of how much the ‘shouldn’ts’ take victory.

I keep thinking about the damage that has been done. I keep wondering when the taste of disappointment and inadequacy will fade from our souls. I keep wondering how much guilt is wrapped around our hearts and how much pride is mixed up in that, forming some complicated web we can never undo ourselves.

I just wonder if we’ve been doing/thinking things wrong our whole lives.
That instead of freedom, we’ve walked straight into prison.
Instead of living life to the full, we’ve slaughtered every bit of joy and delight.

I don’t know if you can relate.
I mostly know that I’ve spent the greater part of my life always feeling like I ‘should’ be better. I’ve spent the greater part of my life expecting that others ‘should’ also be better. And instead of allowing me to be me and others to be themselves…I’ve existed in a place of wanting more, of never being satisfied.

Pushing toward better is one thing…but striving toward impossible?
The more challenging part is that my ‘shoulds’ are often different from your ‘shoulds’. And, to some degree, I probably want you to hold yourself to my standard of ‘shoulds’ instead of your own. My selfishness is unveiled.

I wonder how much I miss out on the good right before me because I’m too consumed with the absence of what ‘should’ be.

I’m tired of overlooking the good.
I’m tired of the discontentment.

It’s time to turn a new page, to sing a new song… it’s time for a fresh start.
Right here, right now.

I’m through measuring myself and others up to a list of ‘shoulds’ and ‘shouldn’ts’

Are you?

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Honesty Blows

Are you honest with yourself?
Like… really honest?

I sometimes think I’m unwilling to admit how much I don’t have it together… I sometimes think I’m unwilling to admit how much I doubt, how much I struggle, how much I’m jealous, how much I’m selfish, how much I’m lazy, how much I just don’t care.

‘Cause if I were to admit all those things, what kind of person would that make me?

And so I pretend. Don’t we all?

As I sit here, typing at my desk, I hear a camper off in the distance screaming at the top of his lungs. It’s real. It’s angry. He’s been abandoned by his father.

I can’t remember the last time that I just let loose. The last time when I screamed at the top of my lungs, the last time when I wept uncontrollably, the last time when I’ve allowed myself to be…. imperfect.

I’m ticked at Christianity.
I’m ticked at society.
I’m ticked at myself.
I’m ticked at the expectations that have been placed on me and the expectations that I’ve placed on myself.

‘No one must ever see you stumble’ seems perpetually stamped on my heart. For as much as I can tell you that I struggle, seeing it becomes an entirely different issue.

Two nights ago I was pegged in the back of the head with a water balloon. A half hour later I was pegged square in the chest. Bad luck. I didn’t know how to respond, either. It was that awkward moment where you feel dumb, but you simultaneously want to play it off like it’s no big deal. People are staring… some are laughing, some are gawking, some just don’t care. But I felt like everyone was watching.

Isn’t that life, though?
Something happens… and we fumble through which mask to throw on as we speedily attempt to recover in the most gracious way possible. Sometimes we laugh at ourselves, sometimes we beat ourselves up, sometimes we try to ignore what just happened, sometimes we storm out angrily, sometimes we throw a temper tantrum.

I can’t remember the last time I reacted to something without filtering through a thousand different scenarios of how people might view me if I just reacted the way I wanted to.

Because, when it comes down to it, I’m not very honest with myself because I’m still holding myself to the standard of how others view me.

What if I screamed at the top of my lungs…?
What if I wept uncontrollably…?

…what if I stopped trying to hold it all together and was?

Tonight’s one of those nights.
One of those nights where I’m reminded that there is nothing good in me… and only through Christ have I been redeemed. It’s one of those nights where if I’m really honest with myself, I see that in my weakness He is made strong… and that in His strength, He is more than enough for me.

So maybe if I can bring myself to not only admit that I’m imperfect… but then be willing to let go of this ridiculous standard that I’m trying to hold myself to…

Maybe then I just might be the type of person who is desperate for Jesus… instead of the type of person who is self-righteous and prideful, hiding the reality of who I am behind a mask of someone I can only wish to be.

Which would you rather be?

Honesty blows.
But it’s always better.

So go scream.
Go cry.
Let loose.
And in your weakness, believe that you might just actually be at your very best.

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The Dark Passenger

Sometimes everything seems wrong in the world.

And I wonder what it would look like if I could put all the pieces back together the way it should be. A world where death doesn’t exist, a world where pain doesn’t triumph, a world where hope isn’t crushed. 
Yet utopia doesn’t exist. Not yet, anyway.

Instead, the sorrow and ache of loss floods in and peace feels far off.
I hear the echoes of small girls who talk of being pinned down, forced to do things they don’t want to do. I hear the sharp words of weary people as they speak out of frustration and annoyance. I watch how laziness consumes, and how lives are lived without any consideration of others in mind.

It’s a world where brothers molest sisters, where girls prostitute themselves for extra dollars, where people starve and live on streets. It’s a world of murdering, lying, cheating, overdosing, jealousy, sickness and absolute despair.

I see the absence of what should be and I weep.

There aren’t simple solutions and sometimes the ramifications are costly.
And I can’t fix it.

I can’t change people…and I hate that.
I can’t even change me.

As much as I can look at the world and see threads of darkness weaving its way into people’s hearts, I know I’m not safe from it’s penetrating claws.

I see the absence of what should be in me and I weep.

Suddenly things just got way more personal. Being a generally ‘good’ person doesn’t get me very far because the darkness still invades. And while I’m not out murdering all the bad people like Dexter, I know the ‘Dark Passenger’ travels with me each day. Only I’m fighting it.

But at some point you just feel tired of fighting. At some point it feels hopeless.
And then you choose to keep fighting, or you choose to stop… and these moments seem to be the most defining of us.

Can I choose to keep doing what is right, what it true, what is honorable, what is good, what is noble… even when I don’t want to? Can I choose to do those things even if I’ve never done them before?

Can you?

At what point is the ‘better’ that we hope for enough to transform us?
As much as I want to live in defeat some days, I know that I cannot.
There’s a greater purpose, a greater song to sing.

Every day is a new day…every day is full of new mercies.
Every day I am desperate for more than this.

May we never stop fighting our ‘Dark Passengers’.
May we each be a people that choose better… that choose good… that choose right….
that choose love. 


This world has too much darkness in it.
I don’t want to be a part of it any longer.
And maybe that’s a start.

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When Boys Distract

Are boys a distraction?

I think when we enter into intense times of ministry we tend to immediately gravitate toward a resilient, ‘YES’.

But, I’ve been wondering lately if that’s this really unhealthy way to view male companionship and even our natural desires to be attracted to one another. What if deterring relationships and romance only serves to be detrimental to us in the long run?

We, as Christians, get so wrapped up in the need to only focus on the Lord that we don’t then know how to cope with a counterpart when they enter into the picture. Suddenly we fear that we’ve created an idol and now it must be sacrificed immediately. Hurry! He’s becoming a distraction… expel him from your life.  You’re thinking about him too much, you’re spending too much time with him, you’re not focused on your job or your ministry or even God because you’ve made this guy out to be the most important thing.

Sure. These things can always be true, but it doesn’t mean they have to be. I think I spent a large portion of my life feeling as there was no alternative though. Feeling like men weren’t an option and that liking men was the wrong thing. Whenever romantic feelings started to develop, guilt would accompany them….and then frustration would bloom. ‘Not again… why can’t I be around godly men and not end up liking one of them or at least thinking about the possibilities of what dating one of them would be like? Why do I always focus on guys and not on the Lord? Why… why… why??‘

And now that I’m older, I just think… ‘DUH!’ Why wouldn’t you like them, or wonder, or try to find out if there was a possibility of something more? Does finding someone else romantically attractive always have to be distraction? Does liking someone always have to be a bad thing? At what point does a relationship become encouraging, inspiring, motivating, life-giving…? At what point do you decide that being with someone might be better than remaining single?

There has to be a balance, right?

I guess I’d like for you to consider your motives. I’d like for you to consider whether or not the romance is really taking away from your greater purpose. Perhaps, if you find yourself changing every routine in life for the sake of getting to be around your crush more, you should cut out the distraction and regain focus.

But, if you’re a woman who is pursuing the Lord wholeheartedly and there just happens to be a man that you find attractive right by your side… I don’t think you need to freak out about him being a distraction. I don’t think you need to manipulate or control or make him your sole reason for existence… but maybe let yourself be open-minded about the possibilities.

You don’t have always have to sacrifice important things in your life.
God still wants to bestow good upon you.
Believe it.

You get to choose whether or not liking a guy becomes a distraction. Liking him, in and of itself, is not. It’s how you think about him, how you act around him, how you treat others (and your responsibilities) that becomes the issue.

Live with integrity. Don’t lose sight of your focus or your purpose. But… heck, let yourself be interested in quality guys. There’s no reason to punish yourself unnecessarily. And if you’re using the whole, ‘I don’t want to be distracted’ as a reason to try and avoid getting hurt… that’s a whole other issue we won’t get into now.

But tonight I won’t sit here and say that boys are a distraction.
There is freedom.
Live wisely in it.

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I don’t have what it takes.

The gong of imperfection strikes again.

My world is filled with a thousand voices asking, pleading, begging to know that they are enough. My own is included in the chorus. Sometimes mine seems louder than the rest, but lately it seems lost in the abyss of the feelings of insufficiency that surround me. 
It would it appear that everyone is asking a question that penetrates down to this idea. When it comes down to it, we’re scared that we aren’t enough. 
We aren’t strong enough, smart enough, fast enough, pretty enough, quiet enough, loud enough, whole enough… We always feel the need to be more, the need to be better, the need to be assured that we have what it takes. 
But what if the truth is simply that we don’t have what it takes? 
What if the truth is that we aren’t enough? 
What if we aren’t strong enough, or smart enough, or fast enough, or pretty enough…? 
And what if that was okay? 
I guess I get worried that we spend so much of our lives disappointed with not being enough (by some ridiculous, earthly standard of ‘enough’ that we’ve created, too…) that we forget that maybe that’s the point. Maybe, when we’re not enough, it gives God a chance to be more than enough. When we are weak, He is strong... 

I wonder what it might look like to not be so consumed with myself. What could it look like if I let it be okay when I’m not enough of something and instead of trying to be better, look better, do better, feel better…. what if I trusted God to use my ‘not-enoughs’ for His glory? 
I think we often feel like we’re entitled to feelings of being enough. I think that’s the mistake…especially here on earth, especially in the eyes of others. I think our promise is that the Lord is enough. 

‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him’

He is enough.
I am not.
Will I let Him be enough instead of constantly trying to be enough without Him?

Today I’m focused on droning out that small voice within the begs the question of being enough. Today I’m focused on truly letting the Lord be my portion, of admitting when I don’t always have what it takes… and letting Christ redeem, save, heal and transform me.

He must become greater.
I must become less.

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Grace vs. Perfection

Someone left an anonymous note on my desk yesterday: Hold yourself to a standard of grace, not perfection.

Okay… 
It makes me wonder a handful of things. 
Does whomever left me this note think that I’m striving for perfection and lacking in accepting grace? Or was it merely just a word of encouragement as I have a lot of responsibility on my plate and they fear me focusing too much on having to do everything just right? Am I reading too much into it and someone was just being a ‘note fairy’ and that’s the random quote of the day that landed upon my desk? 
Either way, the words are there. I can’t decide if I’m more intrigued by the phrase or by who left it. 
I suppose I don’t even know what it means to hold myself to a standard of grace.  What is that standard, anyway? Does that mean holding myself to a standard of always extending grace… or maybe always being willing to receive grace? Does it essentially mean that I’m going to screw up and it’s okay because of grace? 
What, then, do I do with verses like ‘Be perfect, therefore, as your Heavenly Father is perfect’? While I think, in context, Christ is talking about perfection in love… it seems like my standard might need to be perfection sometimes. 
Can I simultaneously hold myself to a standard of both grace and perfection? 
A standard where I’m striving for perfection, but still allowing grace to enter in because I ultimately know that I’m not perfect? Can there be a balance? 
I think maybe there can be. 
That sometimes we, as Christians, (if we’re not pretending to be perfect) can exist in this place where the opposite is more desirable. That we sing of imperfections and the impossibility of being anything other than imperfect beings, that we automatically disregard the call on our lives for holiness, for purity, for perfection. We live in defeat because we can’t ever get there…
And maybe the deal is that we can’t.  We can’t because Christ is so necessary for anything good to flood out from us… but the point is that we are still striving. We’re still training for the race, we’re still putting on the armor to prepare for battle, we’re still turning from sin and standing firm in freedom. We are still diligent. 
In the standard of perfection, there must be grace. In the standard of grace, there’s no room for perfection. Yet, we must seek both. 
Wrestle with that for a while. 
If you profess Christ as your Savior, it would seem that you are called to live a life that his holy and pleasing to God. Will you fail…? Yes. Grace. Do you keep trying? Yes. 
For as much as Christ depicts grace for us, He also is the epitome of perfection. And isn’t HE who we are striving to be like?  
Balance. It’s vital. 
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Examination

It’s been a week full of heightened emotions, spiritual realizations, late nights and lots of laughter. It’s been a week where a bunch of strangers come together, united through one thing, and they learn to get along because they have the same mission in mind. It’s been intense… but it’s been so good.

It’s made me wonder how good I’ve become at leading others through things without going through them myself. As my summer staff has sifted through some big questions and had life-altering realizations…I’ve remained emotionally and spiritually unaffected.

How can that be?

But it makes me think that in a position of leadership, you’re not always afforded the time or the energy to not only process how to better lead a group, but what’s really going on with you internally. In fact, I wonder how many of us can use leadership as escape mechanism. I know I have.

Honestly, it’s probably not exclusive to just leadership… it’s probably inclusive of anything that takes up our time. Busyness becomes an excuse for not processing through emotions, not spending time with Jesus, not spending time in true community.

What are you spending the majority if your time on?
Is it work?
School?
Athletics?

What are you using as a deterrent so you don’t actually have to examine where your heart is? So you don’t have to deal with things that may be hard for you to sift through?

And while you may really have to do all of those things, at what point do we not let it be an excuse for not taking the time or spending the energy on examining where we are really at in the midst of things? I guess the danger lies in the fact that I feel like I can go for long spells where I pour out, where I extend myself, where I work long hours, where I am able to do all the things I’m ‘supposed’ to do… but I actually have no idea how I’m really doing. And when I don’t know how I’m really doing, I live in such a way that is numb or destructive to myself and others.

Think about it.

Making time to know where we’re really at is important… and even as I write these words, I realize that I’ve failed drastically at this. I fear that if I make time, I might crumble under the weight of what lies below the surface… and so I avoid.

But, I need to go there.
Because I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be destroying myself and relationships around me.

It’s time to make more time for examination.

What about you?

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Ch-ch-changes.

I used to resist change a lot. 

I’m not saying that I’ve changed (ha!) so much to where I’ll now welcome it with open arms…but, I think I’ve come to a place where I’ve realized that change is inevitable and that sometimes change can be a good thing. 
I probably operated under the mentality of, ‘if it’s not broke, don’t fix it’ (spoken like a true southerner, might I add) for a majority of my life. I hope my mindset has transformed into more of a, ‘this is good…but how can we make it even better?’ 
I can accredit my change of heart to the fact that my current place of employment (and entire life, really) is constantly changing. There’s nothing consistent about where I’ve been for the last 6 years. From roommate to roommate, house to house, office to office, co-worker to co-worker, a flooded river to a drying up river, new buildings built, old buildings gone… the list goes on. And on, and on, and on. 
I used to panic when they put up fences and my regular path to work was interrupted. I used to panic when doors were literally moved, when new programs were added, when new people came. 
Now, I don’t panic… I’ve come to realize that this is just how life is. And it’s been good for me. 
Some change is hard. Some change involves heartache and goodbyes and leaving behind good things. But sometimes the change is exciting and refreshing and freeing. Sometimes it’s a mixture of both. I guess, when change happens, I want to believe that there’s always a newness and a hope of something better coming along. So far, that has been true. 
And there’s a Constant, even in the midst of the change. A Constant to cling to, to put my hope and trust in. A Constant that reminds me that there’s an eternity of glory that awaits me. 
But for now I need to be okay with the change. 
It’s suddenly upon me as summer begins tomorrow. In just a few short months, life will look drastically different. An unknown sort of different. 
Instead of fearing the change….instead of panicking… I know there’s a hope of something greater than what I’ve always known. A newness. A new place. A new home. A new life. It doesn’t mean that the past is forgotten, but it means that when change happens it’s not detrimental to my existence anymore. It means that when change happens, it can be life-giving and absolutely beautiful. 
I don’t know if you hate change or if you love it… 
But I hope that you’re open to it change when it happens… and I hope you don’t just seek change for the sake of change. I hope that you are a person who takes the good and longs to make it better. I hope that you are a person who believes, no matter what happens circumstantially on this earth, that there’s an unchanging, unwavering God who is good. To you. Even if you don’t exactly quite understand that in this moment. 
There is always more than this life… even when all seems to fade away. 
There’s always something constant to cling to. 
May we hang onto Him and enjoy the ride. 
I’ll be posting quite a bit more sporadically for the next 3 months as life becomes slightly busy for me. Feel free to continue asking questions, giving feedback, and sending in topics you’d like to read about. I look forward to hearing from you! 
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Biting off Whiskers is Bad

When I was a kid, I used to bite off my cat’s whiskers.

I’m not sure why. I just remember having them sit in my lap, and much like you might chomp on your fingernails, the cat’s whiskers were just at mouth-level to give a little trim. 
My brothers dubbed me Elmira. If you’ve ever seen Tiny Toons, you’ll know this is no compliment. I didn’t realize that my little whisker trims disabled one of the primary function of the whiskers: determining the width of an opening. Turns out that the whiskers are the approximate width of it’s body and helps the cat gauge whether or not it will fit in an opening. I didn’t realize that whiskers were sensitive… or purposeful. 
Sometimes I think I’m still like that little girl. No, not chewing off cat’s whiskers… but just incredibly oblivious to the way my actions and words can have a disabling affect on those around me, to those closest to me. 
Not only is it unfortunate that we have the tendency to hurt those closest to us without even meaning to or even realizing it, it’s unfortunate the way that people typically react to having their feelings hurt. Myself included. We’re passive aggressive, or we’re avoiders, or we stuff it all inside until it comes exploding out. Very rarely do we openly communicate with others about the wounds inflicted upon us. We don’t want to be too sensitive, we think we can get over it, we don’t want to stir something up unnecessarily. 
But the wounds remain. 
And without proper healing, long-term damage can be done. 
I actually think that sometimes I’m incapable of hurting others. When I was a little girl there’s no way I ever dreamed that I was causing pain to those cats…there’s no way I would have wanted to cause them pain (remember, I like cats). But, I was.
So maybe I think there’s two important things to be aware of here.
  • We can hurt other people, even when we aren’t meaning to.
  • We should be honest with people when we feel hurt by them. 
I can’t change the past. I can’t change the thousands of times someone has winced at my too emotionally driven, harsh words. I can’t change the ways my looks, my actions, or my lack of action have caused pain. I wish that I could. 
But I can try to do better, to be better, to be aware… 
So maybe we should help each other out a bit. I don’t always know what I do that hurts you. Will you tell me? Will you be honest with me? Will you open up? Will you help me get better? And I’ll try and do the same for you. 
And may we both be willing to receive the other’s hearts. May we not get defensive or justify ourselves. 
Pain is pain, regardless of if was intended or not. 
I stopped biting cat’s whiskers once I found out the pain I caused them. 
I want to stop hurting you, too. 
Because I have to believe that change is possible… and so is true healing and forgiveness. 
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