Blog

Posted on

The Dark Passenger

Sometimes everything seems wrong in the world.

And I wonder what it would look like if I could put all the pieces back together the way it should be. A world where death doesn’t exist, a world where pain doesn’t triumph, a world where hope isn’t crushed. 
Yet utopia doesn’t exist. Not yet, anyway.

Instead, the sorrow and ache of loss floods in and peace feels far off.
I hear the echoes of small girls who talk of being pinned down, forced to do things they don’t want to do. I hear the sharp words of weary people as they speak out of frustration and annoyance. I watch how laziness consumes, and how lives are lived without any consideration of others in mind.

It’s a world where brothers molest sisters, where girls prostitute themselves for extra dollars, where people starve and live on streets. It’s a world of murdering, lying, cheating, overdosing, jealousy, sickness and absolute despair.

I see the absence of what should be and I weep.

There aren’t simple solutions and sometimes the ramifications are costly.
And I can’t fix it.

I can’t change people…and I hate that.
I can’t even change me.

As much as I can look at the world and see threads of darkness weaving its way into people’s hearts, I know I’m not safe from it’s penetrating claws.

I see the absence of what should be in me and I weep.

Suddenly things just got way more personal. Being a generally ‘good’ person doesn’t get me very far because the darkness still invades. And while I’m not out murdering all the bad people like Dexter, I know the ‘Dark Passenger’ travels with me each day. Only I’m fighting it.

But at some point you just feel tired of fighting. At some point it feels hopeless.
And then you choose to keep fighting, or you choose to stop… and these moments seem to be the most defining of us.

Can I choose to keep doing what is right, what it true, what is honorable, what is good, what is noble… even when I don’t want to? Can I choose to do those things even if I’ve never done them before?

Can you?

At what point is the ‘better’ that we hope for enough to transform us?
As much as I want to live in defeat some days, I know that I cannot.
There’s a greater purpose, a greater song to sing.

Every day is a new day…every day is full of new mercies.
Every day I am desperate for more than this.

May we never stop fighting our ‘Dark Passengers’.
May we each be a people that choose better… that choose good… that choose right….
that choose love. 


This world has too much darkness in it.
I don’t want to be a part of it any longer.
And maybe that’s a start.

* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous
Posted on

When Boys Distract

Are boys a distraction?

I think when we enter into intense times of ministry we tend to immediately gravitate toward a resilient, ‘YES’.

But, I’ve been wondering lately if that’s this really unhealthy way to view male companionship and even our natural desires to be attracted to one another. What if deterring relationships and romance only serves to be detrimental to us in the long run?

We, as Christians, get so wrapped up in the need to only focus on the Lord that we don’t then know how to cope with a counterpart when they enter into the picture. Suddenly we fear that we’ve created an idol and now it must be sacrificed immediately. Hurry! He’s becoming a distraction… expel him from your life.  You’re thinking about him too much, you’re spending too much time with him, you’re not focused on your job or your ministry or even God because you’ve made this guy out to be the most important thing.

Sure. These things can always be true, but it doesn’t mean they have to be. I think I spent a large portion of my life feeling as there was no alternative though. Feeling like men weren’t an option and that liking men was the wrong thing. Whenever romantic feelings started to develop, guilt would accompany them….and then frustration would bloom. ‘Not again… why can’t I be around godly men and not end up liking one of them or at least thinking about the possibilities of what dating one of them would be like? Why do I always focus on guys and not on the Lord? Why… why… why??‘

And now that I’m older, I just think… ‘DUH!’ Why wouldn’t you like them, or wonder, or try to find out if there was a possibility of something more? Does finding someone else romantically attractive always have to be distraction? Does liking someone always have to be a bad thing? At what point does a relationship become encouraging, inspiring, motivating, life-giving…? At what point do you decide that being with someone might be better than remaining single?

There has to be a balance, right?

I guess I’d like for you to consider your motives. I’d like for you to consider whether or not the romance is really taking away from your greater purpose. Perhaps, if you find yourself changing every routine in life for the sake of getting to be around your crush more, you should cut out the distraction and regain focus.

But, if you’re a woman who is pursuing the Lord wholeheartedly and there just happens to be a man that you find attractive right by your side… I don’t think you need to freak out about him being a distraction. I don’t think you need to manipulate or control or make him your sole reason for existence… but maybe let yourself be open-minded about the possibilities.

You don’t have always have to sacrifice important things in your life.
God still wants to bestow good upon you.
Believe it.

You get to choose whether or not liking a guy becomes a distraction. Liking him, in and of itself, is not. It’s how you think about him, how you act around him, how you treat others (and your responsibilities) that becomes the issue.

Live with integrity. Don’t lose sight of your focus or your purpose. But… heck, let yourself be interested in quality guys. There’s no reason to punish yourself unnecessarily. And if you’re using the whole, ‘I don’t want to be distracted’ as a reason to try and avoid getting hurt… that’s a whole other issue we won’t get into now.

But tonight I won’t sit here and say that boys are a distraction.
There is freedom.
Live wisely in it.

* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous

Posted on

I don’t have what it takes.

The gong of imperfection strikes again.

My world is filled with a thousand voices asking, pleading, begging to know that they are enough. My own is included in the chorus. Sometimes mine seems louder than the rest, but lately it seems lost in the abyss of the feelings of insufficiency that surround me. 
It would it appear that everyone is asking a question that penetrates down to this idea. When it comes down to it, we’re scared that we aren’t enough. 
We aren’t strong enough, smart enough, fast enough, pretty enough, quiet enough, loud enough, whole enough… We always feel the need to be more, the need to be better, the need to be assured that we have what it takes. 
But what if the truth is simply that we don’t have what it takes? 
What if the truth is that we aren’t enough? 
What if we aren’t strong enough, or smart enough, or fast enough, or pretty enough…? 
And what if that was okay? 
I guess I get worried that we spend so much of our lives disappointed with not being enough (by some ridiculous, earthly standard of ‘enough’ that we’ve created, too…) that we forget that maybe that’s the point. Maybe, when we’re not enough, it gives God a chance to be more than enough. When we are weak, He is strong... 

I wonder what it might look like to not be so consumed with myself. What could it look like if I let it be okay when I’m not enough of something and instead of trying to be better, look better, do better, feel better…. what if I trusted God to use my ‘not-enoughs’ for His glory? 
I think we often feel like we’re entitled to feelings of being enough. I think that’s the mistake…especially here on earth, especially in the eyes of others. I think our promise is that the Lord is enough. 

‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him’

He is enough.
I am not.
Will I let Him be enough instead of constantly trying to be enough without Him?

Today I’m focused on droning out that small voice within the begs the question of being enough. Today I’m focused on truly letting the Lord be my portion, of admitting when I don’t always have what it takes… and letting Christ redeem, save, heal and transform me.

He must become greater.
I must become less.

* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous

Posted on

Grace vs. Perfection

Someone left an anonymous note on my desk yesterday: Hold yourself to a standard of grace, not perfection.

Okay… 
It makes me wonder a handful of things. 
Does whomever left me this note think that I’m striving for perfection and lacking in accepting grace? Or was it merely just a word of encouragement as I have a lot of responsibility on my plate and they fear me focusing too much on having to do everything just right? Am I reading too much into it and someone was just being a ‘note fairy’ and that’s the random quote of the day that landed upon my desk? 
Either way, the words are there. I can’t decide if I’m more intrigued by the phrase or by who left it. 
I suppose I don’t even know what it means to hold myself to a standard of grace.  What is that standard, anyway? Does that mean holding myself to a standard of always extending grace… or maybe always being willing to receive grace? Does it essentially mean that I’m going to screw up and it’s okay because of grace? 
What, then, do I do with verses like ‘Be perfect, therefore, as your Heavenly Father is perfect’? While I think, in context, Christ is talking about perfection in love… it seems like my standard might need to be perfection sometimes. 
Can I simultaneously hold myself to a standard of both grace and perfection? 
A standard where I’m striving for perfection, but still allowing grace to enter in because I ultimately know that I’m not perfect? Can there be a balance? 
I think maybe there can be. 
That sometimes we, as Christians, (if we’re not pretending to be perfect) can exist in this place where the opposite is more desirable. That we sing of imperfections and the impossibility of being anything other than imperfect beings, that we automatically disregard the call on our lives for holiness, for purity, for perfection. We live in defeat because we can’t ever get there…
And maybe the deal is that we can’t.  We can’t because Christ is so necessary for anything good to flood out from us… but the point is that we are still striving. We’re still training for the race, we’re still putting on the armor to prepare for battle, we’re still turning from sin and standing firm in freedom. We are still diligent. 
In the standard of perfection, there must be grace. In the standard of grace, there’s no room for perfection. Yet, we must seek both. 
Wrestle with that for a while. 
If you profess Christ as your Savior, it would seem that you are called to live a life that his holy and pleasing to God. Will you fail…? Yes. Grace. Do you keep trying? Yes. 
For as much as Christ depicts grace for us, He also is the epitome of perfection. And isn’t HE who we are striving to be like?  
Balance. It’s vital. 
* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous
Posted on

Examination

It’s been a week full of heightened emotions, spiritual realizations, late nights and lots of laughter. It’s been a week where a bunch of strangers come together, united through one thing, and they learn to get along because they have the same mission in mind. It’s been intense… but it’s been so good.

It’s made me wonder how good I’ve become at leading others through things without going through them myself. As my summer staff has sifted through some big questions and had life-altering realizations…I’ve remained emotionally and spiritually unaffected.

How can that be?

But it makes me think that in a position of leadership, you’re not always afforded the time or the energy to not only process how to better lead a group, but what’s really going on with you internally. In fact, I wonder how many of us can use leadership as escape mechanism. I know I have.

Honestly, it’s probably not exclusive to just leadership… it’s probably inclusive of anything that takes up our time. Busyness becomes an excuse for not processing through emotions, not spending time with Jesus, not spending time in true community.

What are you spending the majority if your time on?
Is it work?
School?
Athletics?

What are you using as a deterrent so you don’t actually have to examine where your heart is? So you don’t have to deal with things that may be hard for you to sift through?

And while you may really have to do all of those things, at what point do we not let it be an excuse for not taking the time or spending the energy on examining where we are really at in the midst of things? I guess the danger lies in the fact that I feel like I can go for long spells where I pour out, where I extend myself, where I work long hours, where I am able to do all the things I’m ‘supposed’ to do… but I actually have no idea how I’m really doing. And when I don’t know how I’m really doing, I live in such a way that is numb or destructive to myself and others.

Think about it.

Making time to know where we’re really at is important… and even as I write these words, I realize that I’ve failed drastically at this. I fear that if I make time, I might crumble under the weight of what lies below the surface… and so I avoid.

But, I need to go there.
Because I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be destroying myself and relationships around me.

It’s time to make more time for examination.

What about you?

* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous

Posted on

Ch-ch-changes.

I used to resist change a lot. 

I’m not saying that I’ve changed (ha!) so much to where I’ll now welcome it with open arms…but, I think I’ve come to a place where I’ve realized that change is inevitable and that sometimes change can be a good thing. 
I probably operated under the mentality of, ‘if it’s not broke, don’t fix it’ (spoken like a true southerner, might I add) for a majority of my life. I hope my mindset has transformed into more of a, ‘this is good…but how can we make it even better?’ 
I can accredit my change of heart to the fact that my current place of employment (and entire life, really) is constantly changing. There’s nothing consistent about where I’ve been for the last 6 years. From roommate to roommate, house to house, office to office, co-worker to co-worker, a flooded river to a drying up river, new buildings built, old buildings gone… the list goes on. And on, and on, and on. 
I used to panic when they put up fences and my regular path to work was interrupted. I used to panic when doors were literally moved, when new programs were added, when new people came. 
Now, I don’t panic… I’ve come to realize that this is just how life is. And it’s been good for me. 
Some change is hard. Some change involves heartache and goodbyes and leaving behind good things. But sometimes the change is exciting and refreshing and freeing. Sometimes it’s a mixture of both. I guess, when change happens, I want to believe that there’s always a newness and a hope of something better coming along. So far, that has been true. 
And there’s a Constant, even in the midst of the change. A Constant to cling to, to put my hope and trust in. A Constant that reminds me that there’s an eternity of glory that awaits me. 
But for now I need to be okay with the change. 
It’s suddenly upon me as summer begins tomorrow. In just a few short months, life will look drastically different. An unknown sort of different. 
Instead of fearing the change….instead of panicking… I know there’s a hope of something greater than what I’ve always known. A newness. A new place. A new home. A new life. It doesn’t mean that the past is forgotten, but it means that when change happens it’s not detrimental to my existence anymore. It means that when change happens, it can be life-giving and absolutely beautiful. 
I don’t know if you hate change or if you love it… 
But I hope that you’re open to it change when it happens… and I hope you don’t just seek change for the sake of change. I hope that you are a person who takes the good and longs to make it better. I hope that you are a person who believes, no matter what happens circumstantially on this earth, that there’s an unchanging, unwavering God who is good. To you. Even if you don’t exactly quite understand that in this moment. 
There is always more than this life… even when all seems to fade away. 
There’s always something constant to cling to. 
May we hang onto Him and enjoy the ride. 
I’ll be posting quite a bit more sporadically for the next 3 months as life becomes slightly busy for me. Feel free to continue asking questions, giving feedback, and sending in topics you’d like to read about. I look forward to hearing from you! 
* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous

Posted on

Biting off Whiskers is Bad

When I was a kid, I used to bite off my cat’s whiskers.

I’m not sure why. I just remember having them sit in my lap, and much like you might chomp on your fingernails, the cat’s whiskers were just at mouth-level to give a little trim. 
My brothers dubbed me Elmira. If you’ve ever seen Tiny Toons, you’ll know this is no compliment. I didn’t realize that my little whisker trims disabled one of the primary function of the whiskers: determining the width of an opening. Turns out that the whiskers are the approximate width of it’s body and helps the cat gauge whether or not it will fit in an opening. I didn’t realize that whiskers were sensitive… or purposeful. 
Sometimes I think I’m still like that little girl. No, not chewing off cat’s whiskers… but just incredibly oblivious to the way my actions and words can have a disabling affect on those around me, to those closest to me. 
Not only is it unfortunate that we have the tendency to hurt those closest to us without even meaning to or even realizing it, it’s unfortunate the way that people typically react to having their feelings hurt. Myself included. We’re passive aggressive, or we’re avoiders, or we stuff it all inside until it comes exploding out. Very rarely do we openly communicate with others about the wounds inflicted upon us. We don’t want to be too sensitive, we think we can get over it, we don’t want to stir something up unnecessarily. 
But the wounds remain. 
And without proper healing, long-term damage can be done. 
I actually think that sometimes I’m incapable of hurting others. When I was a little girl there’s no way I ever dreamed that I was causing pain to those cats…there’s no way I would have wanted to cause them pain (remember, I like cats). But, I was.
So maybe I think there’s two important things to be aware of here.
  • We can hurt other people, even when we aren’t meaning to.
  • We should be honest with people when we feel hurt by them. 
I can’t change the past. I can’t change the thousands of times someone has winced at my too emotionally driven, harsh words. I can’t change the ways my looks, my actions, or my lack of action have caused pain. I wish that I could. 
But I can try to do better, to be better, to be aware… 
So maybe we should help each other out a bit. I don’t always know what I do that hurts you. Will you tell me? Will you be honest with me? Will you open up? Will you help me get better? And I’ll try and do the same for you. 
And may we both be willing to receive the other’s hearts. May we not get defensive or justify ourselves. 
Pain is pain, regardless of if was intended or not. 
I stopped biting cat’s whiskers once I found out the pain I caused them. 
I want to stop hurting you, too. 
Because I have to believe that change is possible… and so is true healing and forgiveness. 
* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous
Posted on

Like the Movies

I’ve been paralleling my life to the movies lately.

It’s probably a dumb move, as life is never like the movies…but, it’s made me think a bit. We’re always rooting for our favorite characters to take risks–to go after the person they love, to jump in front of bullets for their friends, to bear their souls despite the unknown…. to essentially do the unthinkable, the scary, the bold.

But, when we’re put in comparable circumstances, I wonder how many of us are ever willing to take those risks. We are drawn into these movies because they have a good story. We are rooting for these characters because they want something that they’ve deemed worth it, and they’ll stop at nothing to get it. This resonates deep within us as we tell our own stories, as we consider what’s worth it, as we make our own choices.

As much as life isn’t like the movies, I’ve been wanting to live my life lately like it is. I want to live my life like I have a story worth sharing with the world. It may not be the type of movie where the world is ending and I’m the heroin saving lives right and left… but it’s a movie where life becomes great even in the mundane and ordinary. Where life is about living for a something better, something meaningful, something worth fighting for.

It’s a life full of risk.
And, as a result, it’s probably a life filled with heartache.

I’ve been wondering lately if I can be okay with that. I’ve been wondering lately if I can even manage that emotionally. I’ve been wondering if I can be okay with the end results not looking like the fairy-tales or the happily-ever-afters.

I’ve been living in this world where I’m subconsciously protecting myself in everything I do. I’ve been living my life out of fear, out of doubt, out of the possibility of the worst case scenario coming true. And I just wonder…. are the things that I’m trying to protect myself from really that bad? Am I even able to protect myself from those things, or is it just this weird delusion I’ve created for myself? Am I attempting to control things that are completely out of my control?

I’m so tired of living cautiously.
I’m so tired of living by the book.
I’m so tired of living a life of control.
The alternative is terrifying, but I think what’s even more terrifying is missing out on living a great story. Instead of a life of love and risk and heartache… I fear a life of being closed off, distant and alone.

Something has to change.
It’s time to risk.
It’s time to put my heart out there.
It’s time to tell a better story.

It’s time to live like I’m in the movies.
It’s time to chase after those I love, to step in front of bullets, to spill my soul… even if I don’t know the outcome. Perhaps the ending will be happy… and perhaps it won’t.

Either way…
It’s time.

* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous
Posted on

He Loves Me?

I dated a guy once who told me, after a month of dating, that he loved me.

What? 
As much as I longed to hear those words and believe them, I hated him for saying it. I hated him because I knew he couldn’t possibly mean it…not yet, anyway. I was angry that he would mess with my heart, and so I did what I do best: I stayed distant. I insisted that he couldn’t love me and I found a thousand reasons why I couldn’t love him. A month later he was releasing me of our relationship, and I was relishing the freedom that came with singleness. 
In reality, I was terrified. I was scared to believe that his words might be true and have my heart be shattered. I never once allowed myself to believe it was actually possible. I never once gave him a chance to prove that it might be. 
I should probably mention that a little over 2 years later we started dating again… and we still are. But, guess what? It’s been over a year and a half and he hasn’t told me he loves me this time around. I don’t blame him. 
It’s this dumb thing where we cruise around in life declaring that if this one thing just happened, we would feel more confident, more worthy, more secure, more loved, more wanted…….and then that thing happens, and we reject it. For whatever reason, it wasn’t good enough. It didn’t happen in the way we had wanted it to, the way we had always pictured it might. There was something just off about it that convinces us that it’s not for us, that it’s not good, that we should flee. 
My oldest brother had told me once that when a guy tells you he loves you, he should back it up with a ring. It made sense to me… and so for many years, that became my expectation. I would never believe that a guy loved me until he was willing to follow through with it to marriage. It still makes sense to me, but the way it became such a requirement wasn’t good. The way it proved to sabotage a relationship wasn’t good. I had created this ridiculous stipulation for how love was supposed to be presented and I never allowed for there to be any alternative. 
Instead, I was a crazy girl. Gosh, I’m still a crazy girl… but I hope I’m learning and growing as I see things through various perspectives. 
I hope you are, too. 
I hope you’re willing to see the areas in your life that you run from or avoid or intentionally sabotage because you’re driven by a fear of being hurt. I hope you’re willing to see the specific ways you flee from ever believing people care about you, and stop. 
People can love you… even if it’s only been a month. 
Because, as much as romantic love gets tied up in emotions and attractions…there’s still room to make the choice. There’s still room for him to choose to love you. 
Here’s the guarantee: you will get hurt. Even if you end up together forever, there will be times in your relationship when he hurts you and you hurt him. It’s the nature of being sinful humans. But I think it’s worth the risk… every time. 
Instead of telling someone that they can’t possibly love you, I encourage you to embrace it… to believe it… to relish it. Stop fighting, stop running, stop resisting. 
Let love happen. 
I realize I have so much to learn in this department as well…. but I can now recognize the need to really believing that another might choose to love us, despite our imperfections. 
May we all be able to receive one of the most beautiful gifts of all. ‘Cause when we are able to receive it from other humans… how much more likely might we be able to truly receive from a perfect and holy God? 
* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous

Posted on

Fitting a Mold

I had a friend recently tell me how annoyed she gets by guys deciding that they want a wife and then going out to find the girl who will fit that mold….instead of meeting a girl and deciding that she’s what they want.

I see her point, but I’d have to say that girls have the tendency to do the same thing. We’re all kind of in the same boat here. The difference is that girls, oftentimes, don’t feel as much liberty to go pursuing romantic relationships because we’ve been told to be patient and wait for ‘that guy’ to come around.

I do wonder how much of it’s true though.
How many guys do decide, ‘Hey, I think I could see myself getting married soon….and this is the kind of girl that I want.’ and then they set out to find a girl that matches all of their criteria? I feel like I’ve known a few to think the opposite. They think they’ll probably never get married and are quite content to remain single, but then they meet someone who shatters that vision for their lives.

Mostly, all of this makes me wonder how detrimental planning can be. I know to some degree we have to… but don’t you always feel like anytime you actually make a plan, something goes awry? Don’t you always feel like the more you expect something to go a certain way, the more it goes the opposite of that? At times I feel like I almost bank on that to be the case.

Regardless, this isn’t a subject I can elaborate on much more…since I’m not a guy. Although, I remember always wishing it were different. I remember always wishing that the guys I were friends with would wake up and see that the girl they were in search of wasn’t necessarily what they might need in a life mate. I remember wishing that they could see me as compatible, even if I didn’t necessarily fit their mold.

And it makes me wonder how many guys feel the same way about certain girls- how many guys think that they’re just not enough to be considered for our checklist of the ‘perfect guy’. So maybe we’re all just longing to be noticed by someone else in a way that takes us out of the realm of friendship. And it makes me wonder what are the things that allow us to move into a world of romance and intimacy with someone else.

What is it for you?
Could what you’re looking for be right in front of your face? Could it be your best friend? Could it be a casual acquaintance you haven’t looked at twice because of some dumb, untrue rumor you heard about them?

I don’t know.
I just think that sometimes we miss out on some of the best things…. on some of the best people…simply because they aren’t packaged in the way that we wanted or expected. I can’t help but hope that we would all be willing to open our eyes and allow something different to be a possibility. To allow our plans… and even our ideals… to be different.

I’m not saying forget about standards and things that really matter… but I am saying that oftentimes those things look incredibly different than we think they might.

Open your eyes.
Are you looking for someone who may not even exist, when something great is already right before you?  When that something great might even be perfect for you?

* * *
Your entries will remain anonymous
Proudly powered by WordPress