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The comment:

We had a lot of serious convos and had fun too, but every time we hangout like this I always end up wondering if I should have even gone in the first place. It’s not that I don’t care about him or like being around him, because obviously I do but if it’s also making it harder, do I just stop? I don’t want to be the one to say anything first but I also don’t want to keep waiting. Do I try distancing myself from him and if so how? Like I don’t even know what that looks like. And at the same time I don’t want to because we do have so much so I feel like I would be missing out if I did.

This is every single girl’s perpetual nightmare, it seems. Meet guy, become friends with guy, hang out with guy often, realize that you like guy (a lot), never really know how guy feels about you. I probably can’t even recall the number of times I’ve been in this scenario…but, I think the number is too many.

How to proceed when you find yourself in the midst of this situation is always a tough decision. One never intentionally puts themselves in this spot, I don’t believe…but, inevitably, it happens. I think that maybe females are incapable of getting close to men without developing some sort of intimate connection to them. When we form the intimacy, our hearts automatically link that to romance and love.

Can we be incredibly close to men without wanting to date them? Probably sometimes, but (at least in my experience), there seems to always be a moment where we at least question and wonder about the possibility of being more. We may not even be physically attracted to the guy upon first meeting him, or even for months into our friendship, but when we’ve shared our heart with them and they’ve shared theirs with us we wake up one day and suddenly see them a bit differently. Before us is no longer our best friend, but a man that we could envision spending the rest of our lives with. It’s someone that we are real with, comfortable around, knows us and likes us. It’s a the type of thing they make movies out of, right?

Guys don’t seem to follow the same patterns as girls, though. They can genuinely be close to a girl on an emotional level and never even go there on the romantic level. It doesn’t even cross their mind. They care deeply for you, they are there for you…but it’s platonic. Not always, but, a lot of the time.

So, I guess the tough decision comes back to you. In my experience, and in my conversations with guys, I’ve found that if a guy is interested in you he will do something about it. He may not be super speedy about it, but he will let you know if he’s interested. My guess is that you aren’t being super secretive about your feelings toward him, either. Meaning, you probably don’t need to do or say anything to make him aware that you’d be interested in more. He knows. And, if he doesn’t know, it’s probably because he just hasn’t thought about it before because he’s not interested in you as anything more than a friend.

Sucks, I know…
BUT, here are a few questions you need to ask yourself:

• Are you in this friendship solely because you want to date him? Or, do you genuinely care about him and care about being his friend? If your end goal (be honest about this) is to date him, you should back off immediately. If you’re in it because you care about him, then here’s where your first sacrifice comes in. Regardless of how you feel and what you hope for, I’d urge you to keep being his friend without ever letting those romantic feelings interfere with your friendship. 
• Can you be okay just being his friend? You may really care about him and his friendship above a romantic relationship, but it doesn’t mean that you’re able to be his friend. If it’s become something that’s all-consuming and distracting, if it’s become something that stirs up insecurity and self-destruction…you should back off. If your emotional and mental health are suffering so much that it affects your entire life, you should reevaluate the friendship. He should not be your number one priority. To figure out if he might be, mentally walk through your life without him… would you be okay if that happened? 
• How much can you handle? You may care about him, you may be okay without his existence in your life…and so you may think you can proceed in simply being friends with him. Maybe you can. Only you can really decide how much you can handle. Only you can decide how much time you should spend with him and how much of that time is spent causing more harm to your heart than good. Be willing to set up boundaries for yourself, if necessary. Don’t initiate hanging out with him, don’t initiate texting conversations…and even beyond initiating, you also hold the power to not hang out or to not text back. If you have to see him at various functions, enjoy the time you see him there, but be careful about extra time you spend with him-especially time alone together. This is one that requires major self-discipline because, like you said, you want to hang out with him and be close to him. So- this one is your call! 

“Russell was perfect. What’s wrong with me? Am I self-sabotaging? Am I secretly a Cylon?”
“You just didn’t love him.”
“But what if it’s me? What if I have some idea of love in my head and it’s just totally wrong?”

This is why I like watching television. In the midst of a ridiculous sitcom, like New Girl, there are some really introspective moments that so many of us can identify with. Jess has just broken up with her boyfriend and above is a brief dialogue with her best friend that we get to witness.

There have been moments where all of us feel like this, to some degree. Are we really just destroying ourselves, without even meaning to? Are we living our lives in such an illusion, hopeful of an ideal that simply just doesn’t exist? What if I, too, have an idea of love in my head and it’s just not what love is at all? What if I filter everything through that ideal and I push the good in front of me away because nothing measures up to this false reality I’ve created in my head?

It’s worth taking a look at.
I’ve battled with this same issue a lot- not always in regard to love, but it’s reared it’s head up in regard to community, family, friendships, jobs, ministry, etc. etc. There’s always a way things should be that doesn’t line up with how things actually are.

Been there?
Do you feel self-destructive in the way you handle situations?
I used to pat myself on the back for my criticism. I was glad that I wasn’t willing to settle for something less than perfection. By golly, if community is supposed to be a certain way, why would we ever want it to look different? If love isn’t supposed to be like this, why even waste my time pretending?

My quest for my version of perfection in all of these things made it impossible for me to co-exist with others (in relationships, friendships, community, jobs, family, etc.). Because, as time went on, I realized that they also had their own version of how things were supposed to be. They had their own values, their own priorities, their own dreams… and just because they looked different than mine, it didn’t mean that they were wrong. That was a hard lesson to swallow.

What if my idea of how things should be are wrong?
Or, even if they aren’t necessarily wrong, what if others have opinions/thoughts/ideas and theirs could also be right? Am I open-minded enough to allow for that to be the case?

And I think this is where the self-destruction can end.
A realization that my ideals don’t need to always be the thing that prevails. That my quest isn’t about finding perfection in all these various aspects of life… but it’s about something greater than that. That my end goal isn’t to have the perfect husband, family, love, job, community, friendship in the way that I’ve deemed perfection to be… but perhaps it has much more to do about surrender, sacrifice, and letting people simply be.

Instead of looking at what things are not present, looking at what is. Instead of disappointment in the things that are lacking within community, being grateful and amazed by the things that are true blessings that already exist.

It’s a shift of perspective.
It’s a willingness to admit that your version of perfection may not actually be perfection at all.
It’s a willingness to admit that, sometimes, the idea of love in your head might be totally wrong.

There’s so much hope to be found in this. There’s so much freedom.
And, instead of destroying all the good that already exists, you can embrace it and truly allow good things to happen to you….instead of pushing it away because you think it’s supposed to be better.

Maybe, when we stop always looking for better, we can realize that the good before us is better than we could have ever hoped for…

Maybe.

The comment:

I also for the first time am beginning to pursue a girl in the hopes of making a relationship that is pleasing to God. I’ve never been one to date; I’ve never even really had a girlfriend. However, I feel compelled by the Spirit to make a change and put myself out there like I never have, and to do so in a way that puts her interests first, no matter what that means (even if it means being zoned as a friend). It’s very weird because I’ve never experienced anything like this before, unless it was a major life choice that the Spirit was leading in a bigger-than-usual way. Talk about being uncomfortable with saying that. Its sound uber cliche and could easily be passed off as rationalizing. Is it? I don’t think so, but thats part of the tension.

Maybe you are rationalizing it… but, maybe you’re not. Only you really know your motivation and your heart, try as you may to convince the world, the Lord and yourself. I’m actually quite amazed at how good we can get at believing things that simply aren’t true and pawn it off on ‘God telling us to’. I’m not saying He’s not, but ‘following the Spirit’ can sometimes lead to shady things when we aren’t constantly going back to Scripture with the things we are sure we’ve been told.

Another tricky part of this situation is that once you’ve gotten the notion to pursue someone in such a fashion, you need to make sure you’re not in it to get something out of it…and, at least for me, that becomes next to impossible. I had a similar experience to yours a few years ago (check it out, if you haven’t).

As much as you can convince yourself that you’ll do whatever it takes to be there for her, to put her needs ahead of yours…you’ve already established that there is the hope of making a relationship. Perhaps you meant friendship, but, even at that rate…what if friendship isn’t what you get out of the whole ordeal? What if you literally get nothing in return? What if you get worse than nothing? Again, you can ask yourself what-ifs all day…

My point is that you already have expectations, whether you want to admit that or not. When you have the expectations, you can’t help but put those upon other people. In the end, if things don’t result in a relationship, you’ll probably be disappointed. I think that’s okay. I think that’s what reaching out to others often looks like. I don’t know how to tell you to love selflessly and to never expect anything in return… I don’t think that’s natural to us. Do we still have to do it? Absolutely…

Shoot- and ultimately, I give you props for pursuing, especially when it’s a completely unknown territory for you. It seems quite rare that men are willing to put themselves on the line for a girl without first knowing if there’s any sort of interest on the other side.

So basically, my thoughts in a more concise nutshell:

• In following the Spirit: are the things that you’re doing in line with what Scripture says (Scripture not taken out of context, that is). If you weigh each action, each word and it is line with what the Word says…keep walking into it. Keep pursuing. 
• Think about what it really might mean to put her interests first. It’s a promise, a commitment. And maybe you’re not making it to her (please don’t…not yet, anyway), but the depth of what you’re talking about goes much further than a ‘Oh, she’s not reciprocating at all, I must have heard wrong…’ If you decide to pursue this, and if what you’ve said above is your true heart behind it, you must be all in…no matter what. Even when… 
• Be a man who is bold and confidant. Maybe the Lord’s just urging you to walk in that boldly and this girl is the first of many that you will honor and respect and you (and they) will learn a lot about godly relationships through the way that you’re being obedient. Be ready to learn a thousand lessons along the way that will be different from what you originally thought you might learn. It’s a fun adventure! 
• She may not be the one for you. Please don’t let the first thing that you tell her in a DTR be that you really feel like the Lord is leading you into this specifically. If she’s not feeling the same way it can cause both of you to unnecessarily question whether or not you’re hearing from the Lord at all. Perhaps approach it from more of a, ‘I feel compelled by the Spirit to make a change and put myself out there in a way I never have before…and you’ve really caught my eye because…’. 

I hate it when my mom is right.

In fact, I probably fear that she’s right a whole lot more than I typically give her credit for. She’s recently gotten in the habit of pointing to the new growth on her head, emphatically reminding me how gray she is and telling me that it ain’t gray for no reason. I usually roll my eyes, but secretly I’m thankful for not only the woman she is in my life, but also the woman she is becoming. She’s a cancer warrior… a survivor.

This story isn’t about cancer though. It’s about her being right.
Growing up, my mom frequently told me that she couldn’t wait to see me have a daughter that was just like me. It was always said in the midst of an argument or while I was clearly being selfish, stubborn, indignant, etc., etc., etc. (which, yes, was almost all of the time). This is one of those things that I sincerely hope she’s wrong about. I don’t think I want a daughter just like me…

Anyway, as you’re most likely aware, I’ve recently left my job and while I’m still doing a few things hourly for them, my financial situation is no longer what it was. Working at a camp allows you to cut corners on a few things (rent, utilities, oftentimes food), and while your salary isn’t anything to brag about, you’re also not paying a lot of the expenses that ‘normal’ people have to.

In the midst of this transition, insurance became a fun topic of discussion. Honestly, I have a hard time caring about insurance because I’ve never really needed it. I never grew up going to the doctor (partially because my dad is one), but I just didn’t have many reasons to (aside from the time I got my finger smushed off). The last 6 years have been quite low key as far as my medical expenses have gone. Why wouldn’t that trend continue on?

I’m currently insurance-less.
I’m also, now, getting surgery tomorrow.

Several days ago my throat starting swelling and my jaw started throbbing, and while I’ve felt similar pain here before, something was a bit different this time. I choked down some ibuprofen, sure that this would pass, and enjoyed my merry day.

Each night I’d go to bed, hoping that I’d wake up the next morning and feel remarkably better. Each night I’d wake up several times, unable to swallow and with pain in the back of the right side of my mouth. Since I was adamant about not going to a doctor or a dentist, I searched and searched until was able to get a sufficient self-diagnosis.

No big deal… just my wisdom teeth. And just an infection that I should get looked at immediately…
While I had great plans to get rid of the infection on my own, I knew that unless I got antibiotics  I wasn’t going to feel better. I also wasn’t so worried about actually getting the teeth taken out, but the money that it would require to do so.

This is the part where my mom comes in, as evidenced below:

It wasn’t so much the latter part of our conversation that struck an ‘a-ha’ chord in me… but, she made a great point that I rolled my eyes to at the time (can’t you just taste it in that ‘Ha.’?). Ultimately, the pain had gotten pretty unbearable, so I finally sucked it up, found a dentist within walking distance, made an appointment and went (I only had to walk part-way in the rain, don’t worry).

“You’re definitely going to need those out soon.”
I know.
I know. I just don’t want to spend thousands of dollars to do it, okay really nice lady??

I was referred to the Oral Surgeon with an consultation scheduled for that same day, and there was the promise of getting me into surgery before the end of the week…giving me plenty of time to heal before my next travels.

My mom’s words rang in my head again. Don’t you hate it when that happens? She had a point.

I did have the money. The money isn’t mine to hold onto. Here is provision staring at me in the face and all I can think about are the what-ifs of my future. What if I need that money to go to grad school? What if I can’t find a job once these next few months are over? What if I get into some other financial trouble with my car or my health and I need that money? 

What if…? 

Dang, we can sure play that game for a while, can’t we…?

What I realize? I have been taken care of for today… and I don’t need to worry about all the what-ifs of tomorrow. Shoot, maybe my mom is right and I’ll meet a rich, single man to help out with finances. But, if not… I’m not worried. Because my God is a God who provides.
And so today…? Today I’m just thankful.

Let’s not forget it.
Even when we have to spend money and our bank accounts dwindle.

And, in the meantime, maybe I’ll walk away tomorrow with some sort of memory like this to cherish forever.

Even the skinny girls think they’re fat.
Have you ever noticed that before?

It’s maybe one of my pet peeves. Maybe not so much that they feel like that, but that they make comments in front of me (when I’m clearly larger than them) about how fat they are. Well, who am I kidding…it’s annoying that they feel that way at all. Annoying because I want to shake them and say, ‘THIS is not something YOU have to worry about…so stop it already.’  Because out of all the things in the world to be obsessed over, their invisible fat shouldn’t be one of them. And I’m not sure how much they realize that when they call themselves fat, it makes me feel like they are calling me obese (even though they aren’t and I’m obviously reading into the situation…).

I did have one skinny friend who was the opposite of this, actually. In fact, I caught her shopping in the maternity section on the day of her rehearsal dinner because she wanted clothing that wouldn’t cling to her body in such a way that revealed her skinniness. It made me laugh and love her all the more.

It doesn’t always work this way, though. The most beautiful girls tend to think they are ugly, the skinniest girls tend to think they’re fat…and the ugly girls still think they’re ugly and the fat girls still think they are fat. It’s this universal problem that, surprisingly, we all seem to have in common, no matter what we look like.

I’ve tried to wrap my brain around it so many times. I’ve tried to wrap my brain around the fact that women seem to always come back to 2 huge issues: how we look and men. Why…? 

Why are we so obsessed with looking different than we do? Why are we so obsessed with seeing every small imperfection within us and instead of embracing it, we try to change it….or if we can’t change it, we either hide it or beat ourselves up for it. Do we care about what our bodies look like because we care so much about men and we know that they care about what our bodies look like? Is that the deal?

It’s rather exhausting, don’t you think?
I wish I had some great advice to give you, but I think this is one of those times where I could spout off a bunch of truth and you’ll take it worth a grain of salt because, while I may be able to identify with you, I don’t know what’s really going on with you in the specific place you’re at in life. I don’t know who has said what to you, I don’t know whose standard you’re trying to live up to, I don’t know the ways you’ve been hurt or wounded, I don’t know where you’re finding your identity, I don’t know what your expectations are of yourself or others. I don’t know.

But, I do know that we’re all involved in this viscous cycle of trying to desperately accept who we are as we were created to be while simultaneously longing to know we are beautiful, wanted, worthy and desirable. In our heads, no matter how much we hit them against the wall to try to knock it out, we believe that beauty means thin….and then a longer, more personalized list of things we accredit to the word. Until we achieve that, we aren’t beautiful at all.

It doesn’t matter how many people tell us something different, at the depth of our soul, we always come back to a place of despising how we look because it isn’t what we wanted to look like. We are too often truly too unhappy with our appearance.

I guess my word to you is that no one else cares as much as you do. No one else notices…and even if they do, it doesn’t prevent them from being your friend or not. If your eyes were bigger, your hair thicker, your hips slimmer, your stomach tighter, your legs longer, your boobs larger, your feet smaller, your face clearer…would it really change anything?

I think it only changes the way you feel about yourself…and I hate that the external changes are the things that bring a greater confidence within. Doesn’t that seem backwards?

It’s all stuff you’ve heard before: it’s what’s on the inside that matters, your beauty should not come from the external but from the internal…

At what point do we allow that truth to sink in? At what point do we focus more on the radical changes that need to happen within our hearts before we’re ever worried or consumed by the external? Because, at least in my own life, the darkness within me is far uglier and more powerful than anything I look like on the outside.

I want to stop avoiding the internal because I’m too focused on the external.

So, I don’t care if you’re skinny, fat or something in the middle… I don’t care if you’re beautiful, ugly or plain and average. There is more on the line than how we look. We have to be willing to get over it, to move into the depths of our hearts, and allow ourselves to be changed there. We have to be willing to get over ourselves and see others who matter more than our diets, our make up, our hair-do… and live lives that truly matter.

What are you waiting for?

Sometimes, when you date people, you miss out on other things in life.

It’s funny because so many of us spend a lot of our time wishing we were in relationships without realizing how tremendously consuming they can be. They take up our time, our money, our emotional energy, and sometimes they become our new identity….they interfere with our other relationships, our future plans, our schoolwork, our real work, our social calendar. Too easily they become all we think about, all we dream about, and all we spend our time on. Too easily they become these things even when we aren’t in them.

I didn’t date in college. Not because I didn’t want to… because it just didn’t ever work out. Now, looking back, I’m thrilled to be able to point out all the opportunities and all of the memories I had that were not infiltrated by one single college boyfriend. There was never a chance for me to choose a boyfriend over something else, and because of that, I think I was able to really enjoy just living.

So, without further adieu:
If I had dated in college, I would have (probably) never…

1. had dance parties with my roommate in our dorm room when studying became too unbearable
2. grown accustomed to eating large amounts of cookie dough while in the midst of heart-to-hearts
3. joined a sorority
4. volunteered to lead a high school small group
5. led a drama team (complete with many an SNL rip-off)
6. held two guys hands at the same time, without them knowing…
7. created and starred in the hit show, Aspiron
8. sung karoake in front of hundreds of strangers on multiple occasions
9. gotten serenaded by a group of fine-singing a cappella men on my birthday
10. made road trips to Arkansas and Texas any chance I could
11. gone to Europe
12. worked at an all-summer long camp 3 summers in a row
13. gone to formals/dances with various guy friends
14. joined leadership of a greek christian organization
15. started prayer meetings/bible studies on Thursday night with the girls in my pledge class
16. set up a tent for an overnight in our living room
17. helped with D-Nows in other cities
18. been a founding member of ‘Go Nuts for Donuts!’
19. helped with Special Olympics
20. volunteered to help on a ski trip
21. random acts of kindness in the middle of the night with a group of strangers
22. did an internship for a college ministry where I co-led activities and outreach
23. dressed up and done humiliating skits in front of many
24. acted demon-possessed in the middle of a church service
25. been ‘miss-miss-missy-miss miss’ in the 2006 Miss America Pageant. 
26. made a meat pinata
27. purchased 25 baby chickens
28. graduated
29. moved to texas 
30. made a ton of fabulous friends that I was able to invest in fully and vice versa (both guys AND girls!)

I’ve been stretching a lot lately.

Did you know that I’m a songwriter?

Yep.
I used sit in the bathtub for hours, churning out song after song after song as I tried out my own poetic lyrics to my all-original melodies. The bathroom was the best for this because of the acoustics, so I cozied down in the hot bubbles, all set up in my very own studio.

It was the life of an aspiring 13-year-old girl. My first hit was sung amongst my family (especially my brothers), as they mocked the teenage angst that had clearly come out through my lyrics.

Why do you try
When you do cry
All alone, all alone

How long does it take for you
When you are feeling so wrong
To stop your feelings
Why do you try
When you do cry

I’d say it truly debuted during my first year working full-time at camp, though. I sang it over the microphone to a few friends when I thought no one else was around to hear me…but you can be assured that I was wrong about that.

As you can see, it didn’t make a ton of sense (which is why we still laugh about it today), but the tune was also strangely brilliant and awful. I got a bit better. In the midst of my early teenage uneasiness, I also wrote a song about boys. I think it’s a song you might hear on any country radio station.

Just a friend
how could he think
I was just some girl who he thought was
Just a friend

3 years later
I always saw him
with that special grin
he took the other girls away
but I knew I was
Just a friend

It was entitled ‘Just a Friend’, in case you couldn’t tell. As tragically pathetic as all of this is, this second song seemed to become the soundtrack of my life. I always felt like just the friend. I remember weeping at the grande finale of Dawson’s Creek because Pacey, the best friend, had won the heart of Joey. It gave me this strange hope that my ending could also be different.

I felt like a lot of my crushes had been wrapped up in guys who were also my close friends. We had crossed into the friend zone and there was no going back. While I saw our closeness as intimate and special, they were thankful for a companion who they didn’t have to worry would fall in love with them. It was always a fun scenario when they found out they were wrong about that small detail. I tried my best to avoid ever letting them know, but sometimes… sometimes I just had to be honest. I usually always think this is the wrong move (especially in hindsight).

So… if you find yourself crushing on your best friend?
Don’t even mess with it. While I’ve had some incredible guy friends and we’ve gone through the, ‘You like me, but I don’t like you back’ phase…I think we’d be better friends today if all of that stuff hadn’t come up between us. It goes both ways, really. Great guy friends who liked me and I wasn’t interested at all… I kind of wish they had never told me.

‘Cause here’s the thing: the feelings pass. They do. It might take a long while, especially if you continue pouring your heart out to them and only them and putting yourself in situations where they are meeting needs that they shouldn’t be… but, on the whole, they go away. You meet someone else, they meet someone else (which automatically means you should probably back off a little and allow their new relationship to flourish). You go separate directions. Sometimes you keep in touch, sometimes you don’t. It’s okay.

I assure you that I’m incredibly thankful I didn’t have the opportunity to date all of my close guy friends when I thought I wanted to. Sometimes being just a friend is the sweetest thing of all.

Enjoy the friendship.
Let this be a season where it’s just good…and don’t try to make it into something it’s not. He’ll let you know if he’s interested (if he ever is and when he is ready). Be yourself and be his friend (not the weird version of yourself you turn into when you want a guy to notice you).

That’s it.

Just a friend.
It’s a good place to be.

Maybe I’ll even write a new song about it…

I like getting dirty.

Not necessarily where you’re literally covered head to toe and mud is oozing out of every orifice and you’re still finding it behind your ears a few days later type of dirty…although sometimes that’s fun, too. And, no, not necessarily the sexual type of dirty, either.

The type of dirty that matters.

The last week has stirred up some emotions in me that I had forgotten existed. I got to witness my eldest brother gearing up for a grand opening of a church plant. It required meetings, phone calls, early mornings, late nights, taking responsibility for things… and it’s all volunteer. I got to sit in on a different church plant meeting with my youngest older brother (he’s the 3rd of us 4 kids, and I’m the baby… just in case that got confusing) and his wife. As the church discussed starting out in a new location, they were soliciting the help of those who weren’t afraid to get dirty…to arrive early to set up, to stay after to tear down, to sacrifice time, energy, and money for a cause they believed in.

As I’ve also been sifting through a lot of old memories (photos, emails, journals), I started getting nostalgic thinking about my earlier days working at camp full-time. When summer staff left, all that remained were 10 people to do everything to keep a year-round camp running.  We were jacks-of-all-trades by necessity. I quickly came to consider myself a professional dishwasher and shower scrubber as we cleaned up and prepared for new groups to arrive almost weekly.  Camp had just finished its seventh summer and we were constantly relying on a few generous donors to help pay off our monthly debt.  We were never guaranteed our next paycheck, but we worked long hours in faith that God would provide. 

We weren’t afraid to get dirty… in fact, it was required that we did. Camp wouldn’t function if we weren’t willing to do anything and everything (including emptying out the slop buckets at the dump when it was usually inevitable that the conglomeration of congealed gravy, eggs, mashed potatoes would splash on you–the worst was when it sometimes, somehow, got in your mouth…). 

It’s the type of dirty that when you say you need ‘all hands on deck’, you literally mean that you need all hands on deck. Every person is necessary, every person plays a vital role. The type of dirty where you don’t possibly slack off because you know your team is counting on you, and you know that your goal, your mission, your vision is so much greater than you. 

It’s the type of dirty that feels more refreshing and renewing than anything else, because it’s centered around the gospel…and from that everything flows. It’s the reason it’s all worth it, and at the end of the day, no matter how tired you are…you’re 100% convinced that your labor was not in vain. 

It’s the type of dirty that’s rewarding because of the fruit it bears. It’s the type of dirty that flourishes, that gives life, that grows into something you could never hope for or imagine. 

I want to get dirty again. 
I want to work hard for the sake of the gospel. 
I want to help start things, I want to help things thrive… I want to do whatever it takes. 

I don’t know when the last time is that you got dirty for the sake of the gospel. I don’t know when the last time is that you sacrificed sleep, time, money for the sake of the gospel. I don’t know when the last time is that you took a risk, that you took a chance, that you jumped into something you weren’t sure would even be ‘successful’ simply because you thought the end goal was worth it…that you thought more people would know Jesus because of your efforts. 

I hope we’ll all start looking for ways we can get dirty. 
Look for ways to help a struggling ministry, join a church plant, devote yourself to a team of believers that are unified in vision and passion…not because of what you’ll get out of it, but because of what you can contribute to it…because you know that Jesus Christ is worth it, because you know He has given you gifts to be used so that He might be more glorified. Use them! 

Getting dirty doesn’t have to look a certain way, just be willing to do it. 
Abandon everything else for the sake of Christ, for He is who we serve. 

There are LOTS of single people in the world.

Let me clarify- there are LOTS of single women in the world. Lots of single, Christian women. But, I think most of us are looking around, wondering why we’re still the only ones who are single.

Or, maybe that’s just me… or maybe it’s just the bombardment of engagements and weddings and babies lately. Does anyone else feel like that’s all their Facebook newsfeed has become? That and politics. It’s cool. I genuinely love rejoicing with my friends in their moments of celebration and excitement…I love seeing them glowing and stepping into a new chapter in life.

I can’t help but feel a little left behind though. My best friend from high school is pregnant with her third baby. My best friend from college is a happily married doctor. Almost all my other friends are married, pregnant, or have at least one or two kids.

I feel old. And young. Old because I know I’m the same age as them and they are in a completely different stage of life… it’s sometimes hard for me to not feel like I ‘should’ also be in a similar stage. Young because I mostly still feel like I’m in my early 20’s, enjoying no commitments and doing whatever I please. It’s a weird place to exist in.

As I continue to talk to single, Christian women (usually college-aged)…I can easily identify with their feelings toward relationships and marriage. It seems there’s always an air of waiting, or a bold proclamation that Jesus is their boyfriend, or an apathy toward the entire subject.

I remember myself in college, wrestling deeply with a longing to really be pursued by a man who loved Jesus wholeheartedly but never having it happen. I remember thinking about it constantly, or trying to constantly not be thinking it about it constantly. My freshman year I had a conversation with a sophomore girl who told me that every time she thought about guys, she immediately began to pray. She had also given up talking to guys–it was almost like a fast. I wasn’t too sure about the latter, but the praying thing sounded good. It sounded in line with the whole ‘taking your thoughts captive’ idea. So, I tried it. From what I recall, it was good while it lasted….but it only lasted so long.

And I guess that’s my point. We’re always trying to find these ways to cope with the waiting process, searching for things to fill our minds and hearts as we secretly beg and plead for the Lord to bring that guy along. ‘Cause somewhere within us, even though we might disappointed and defeated with our current reality, we still hope that it’ll happen for us. We still hope that God will come through and bring someone that we can share life with…even if it’s just a small shred, right now.

Here are my current thoughts on the issue:

1. Don’t put your life on hold because you are waiting for the possibility of marriage. Don’t fill your life with ministry simply because you think that the more you give, the more you invest, the more you love others, the more you’ve ‘done your time’ that means it earns you the right to a relationship…that somehow God will be indebted to you. He’s not. As one blogger put it, Jesus is the end goal, not our means to a life we think we should have. 
2. I don’t know if Jesus is your boyfriend…or husband…or whatever else. I’m not sure if us viewing Christ in a romantic light is even Biblical. If, when you say that, you’re simply saying that you want Christ to be all-fulfilling and all-satisfying–that you want Him to be your everything, I can buy it. Maybe the confusion is in how we interpret the word ‘love’, and while we are deeply loved by, sought after, and saved by Christ…I think that the love of Christ is very different than that of a romantic love that we often think of in a romantic relationship. An eros type of love vs. an agape type of love. 
3. Your apathy might be a coping mechanism for a deeper loneliness, or it might just be a that you genuinely don’t care if you get married. Be willing to dive deeper if need be, but don’t over-analyze and make up something that’s not there either.