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I am Nothing.

Someone recently reminded me that I’m not the hero.

A gentle prompting to never forget that as I tell stories and share my heart, that it’s not me who is to receive any credit for the change, for the good, for….well, anything. While my first response was to want to argue and defend myself, to ensure that that was never my intent… I realized it didn’t matter. Regardless of intent or not, regardless for my reasons for telling stories the way in which I do… if, in the end, it’s me who comes out looking like the hero, I’ve done something wrong.

With that in mind, I want to apologize to all my readers if that’s ever been the thing taken away from a post. I acknowledge that any good that I have to offer or give is solely because of Jesus. It’s only by His blood that I am redeemed, that I am counted as worthy, that I have hope. It’s only through Him that I can boast about second chances.

I hope by now that you’ve realized that I don’t have it all together, that I’m far from perfect, that I have the tendency to make more mistakes than do anything right. In the process of me sharing and writing, I sincerely desire that you walk away hopeful for better…that you might be willing to challenge and prod at the things you’ve claimed to believe without even knowing why. And, ultimately, that you would always be drawn back to Jesus.

I may not do that so visibly every time, as I fear becoming my own montage of cliches that continue to drive people further from truth. There may be traces of me needing to choose Jesus all the time, and my battle with not always wanting to. But, in the end, it is always He who is faithful, He who is good, He who loves first so I can also love. Without Him, I am nothing.

Thanks for journeying with me through my imperfections and struggles.
I’m so sorry for any narcissism, for any impression I may have given that I hold the key to all the answers. Most times I feel like I’m barely hanging on myself.

I want to serve you, to lead you toward better, to offer you an abundance of hope through second chances…and ultimately that comes through Christ, as He is the sole provider of forgiveness, grace, love and mercy.

It’s only by His blood.
And it’s only He who is the hero.

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You Sure About That?

I was 14 the first time I ‘fell’ in love.
He was 16, and we would often cruise around in his little, white coupe. The night he told me he loved me was the night I played him Deana Carter’s song, That’s How you Know it’s Love.

…Nothing and no one can stand in your way, to keep you from saying what your heart is dying to say…

While I couldn’t seem to make myself actually say the three little words, I tried to express to him the best I could how I felt and the song seemed to suffice. I floated home and downstairs to my basement where my oldest brother and his girlfriend were watching a movie.
In some sort of daze, I gleefully told them that I was in love.
He told me I was stupid.
Of course, it was followed up with a millions reasons why I was too young to be in love and while his words were crushing to my naïve heart, there was a part of me that knew that everything he was saying was true. I went back to my very new boyfriend the next day and told him we needed to start over and not rush into ‘I Love Yous’ any time soon. He was gracious and understanding and we dated for another seven and a half months after that.
One of the things my brother had said over the years that stuck with me was that if you’re going to tell someone that you love them, you better be able to back it up. Meaning, if you’re going to spout out the words, be ready to get down on one knee or put a ring on your finger. It made sense to me. It still makes sense to me.
I fear we exist in a world where ‘I Love You’ rolls off our tongue entirely too easily. And while, yes, especially for those of you who are Christians, one of our biggest missions in life is to love everyone…but just because we are ‘supposed’ to, it doesn’t mean that we do. And if we don’t, then why do we say that we do?
And if we really understand the sacrifice of what it means to love someone, why aren’t we a little more reserved when declaring our love for strangers, friends, boyfriends, family, etc.?
When I tell you I love you, I want to mean it. When I tell you that I love you, it means to me that I’m placing you above me (or at least I’m trying). It means that I will sacrifice time, and money, and energy to make sure that you’re okay—even if it comes at the expense of my own heart. It means that I’m trying to not remember the ways that you’ve hurt me, and I’m trying to not let your flaws dictate how I treat you. It means that I hope for you. It means that I understand that it’s not always about me.
I don’t tell people I love them very often…and when I do, you should know that I never take those words lightly. I try to mean what I say, every time.
I’ve been appalled out how quickly people are to shout these words from the rooftop to each other. Are you one of these people? Perhaps you mean it when you say it each time…but I want you to remember the weight of these words. I want you to remember the cost of these words. These aren’t words you say, just because you’re supposed to….these are words you say because you mean them.
Especially in relationships…be wary of how often and how quickly you throw out these three. Can you back them up? When you say these words, will you choose to keep saying them again and again? Or, is there even the slight possibility that someday you might stop…? Do you remember that love isn’t just a feeling?
There’s no room for falling out of love. There’s no room for choosing to not love someone anymore. There’s no reason to mess around when it comes to these deep and personal matters of the heart. The moment you utter those words, it’s not just your heart on the line anymore.
And, learn a little lesson from me. If you can’t bring yourself to even say the words, there’s probably a good reason for it.
It’s time for a little self-examination.
Who are saying ‘I Love You’ to?
Do you mean it?
Truly and honestly?
Are you willing to back it up?
Then do it….or else keep your mouth shut. 

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Heroes in Airports

Whenever I fly, I always scope out my fellow passengers.
I look around to see, in case of the always feared crashing-into-a-deserted-island thing, who my comrades might be and who might have the best survivor skills.

I always hope for a Dr. Jack Shephard, and probably secretly a Sawyer (just to keep things interesting). Naturally, I’m Kate, aside from that whole fugitive thing. It’s a romanticized world of how things could play out in case of emergency. Unfortunately, you only get a limited view of people as you walk by them in the aisles, trying to avoid hitting them with your excessive amount of luggage. There’s really no way to gauge from these momentary glances who might be a true hero or heroin. Mostly I see the back of heads, listen to snores or crying babies, and avoid being leaned on by the sleeping man next to me.

I think about this more when the plane goes through the inevitable turbulence. It’s the kind that causes your heart to drop a little and forces you to look out the window, certain that you will find a wing shredding to oblivion. I often think, ‘This is it. It’s my time to die.” In my make-believe-world, I think that I would be calm…but in reality, I know that panic would surge through every fiber of my being. In the moments of turbulence, I am calm.

Flying is always an interesting experience- from the airports, to the people, to the flight itself. On my last flight, I was in the airport for 8 hours before departing. I cozied up in a chair next to an electrical outlet and found a plethora of ways to keep myself entertained via the ‘ol macbook and the world wide web. And then, out of nowhere, a man came up to me.

It’s what every girl dreams of, right? To meet a strange, mysterious man in an airport… a man who is good-looking, charming and in need of a computer charger? He sat down with his laptop, and I handed over my charger. He was chatty. I found out that he was from New York, heading to Miami and that he was a fashion designer. He designs costumes… for carnivals. Being the incredibly ignorant person that I am, I muttered a few polite ‘uh-huhs’, but he saw through my nods and smiles.

‘Have you heard of that? Do you know what it is?’ my face remained blank, and so he decided to pull up a few of his designs on his computer for me to see. Oh… (if you don’t know what these ‘costumes’ are, you are free to google it). Soon after, he looked me up and down and said, ‘Would you ever consider wearing one of these?’

We were clearly from different worlds (in fact, he said so himself)…but I didn’t know how to respond to his question without making him feel like it was the most preposterous thing I’d ever heard. I wasn’t sure if it was a subtle come-on, or if he was just curious, or if he wanted to do business with me. He went on to tell me about the endless parties each night and morning, and I simply soaked it all in. Friday night party, Saturday morning party, Saturday night party, Sunday morning party and then on Sunday afternoon is the Carnival and then that night they party again. The next day they’ll recuperate a little before heading on to the next one.

I asked questions, because I was so intrigued…but not enough to appear too intrigued. It was a moment of, again, realizing how little I know about the world around me. After several minutes, he wished me luck with my future, and ran off to catch his flight.

It was a brief moment in an airport, but it felt significant.
How, in a few minutes with a stranger, do you ever tell them the reason for the hope that you have without coming across like a Bible-beating maniac? Are we supposed to tell everyone we meet, no matter what? Do we feel guilty when we don’t?

I don’t feel guilty… but I am curious. What is our responsibility to share, and what is simply an excuse to not? Is it more about taking opportunities as they arise? Or, might you consider every interaction with someone an opportunity?

I’m curious about what your personal convictions are in this.
How do you rationalize not telling everyone you meet within moments of meeting them… or do you?
How do you bridge the gap enough to tell someone who has no understanding of where you come from and them where you come from in a way that even makes sense? How do you get there in a few minutes?

Do we even think twice about these brief interactions with strangers?
I’ll admit that sometimes I don’t…
But, I think I need to.
And I think I need to be more bold.
Perhaps, while just an arbitrary person on a plane or in an airport, I might be able to point someone toward the real Hero.

Lord, show me how.

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Unrecognizable

The comment:

I’m really working on being content, being present, and embracing the things God has for me right now, right here…I think a lot of the trust really comes from that idea of “blooming where you are planted.” Like being faithful with the opportunities God gives me today…and knowing he will give me the next ones. It helps me not miss all the exciting stuff here and now. 

The other day someone asked me about some of this..and I started explaining and I was so happy/excited.. I think they thought I was kidding…

It’s those reactions from people you haven’t seen/talked to in a while that show growth, you know… in whatever area. Like when someone slowly looses weight…it is always the person you haven’t seen that it is most noticeable to. 

I feel like I’m always posting people’s questions and struggles that unveil our imperfections and our attempts to make it through each day when, in reality, we have no idea what in the world we’re even doing most of the time. Hopefully, through all of it, you know you aren’t alone as you process, over-analyze and do crazy things. Today, though, I wanted you to be encouraged by someone I talked to recently who has it all figured out.

Okay, not really (because, who does…), but I wanted to extend hope from someone else’s words. That there’s a steady assurance that can arise in trusting the Lord right where you are. There doesn’t need to be answers to your thousands of questions about what’s next (in any area of life), but seizing the moments before you instead. Living in the present, not the future…not the past.

I also want to encourage you that, oftentimes, change doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes it’s slow and gradual- so slow you don’t even know it’s happening. Sometimes, like my friend said, you lose some weight over a long stretch of time and you hardly even notice until you’re reunited with an old buddy and they immediately go on and on about how great and thin you look. Sometimes it’s from a parent when you go home after months or years of being away. Suddenly you’re serving them instead of demanding that they serve you. It’s not anything unnatural to you at this point-it just seems like the right thing to do, a way to bless them. But, when they’re used to a selfish teenager who lived in their house for several years, this slow and gradual change (that might have taken ten years) seems like a miracle!

And I guess that’s the hope for all of us. That we’re living, that we’re seeking, that we’re striving… and somedays we might be so ticked off because we feel like we aren’t making any progress at all. We feel defeated because we mess up again and again. But then one day… one day we wake up and we realize we’re a different person. We almost don’t even recognize ourselves.

I think we’re far too often discouraged that we aren’t transformed overnight. We pray and we try so hard to become different people. I think maybe we forget that we’re slowly becomING different people each day, despite our best efforts to speed up the process.

I can’t wait for the day when we’ve arrived there…but in the meantime, I hope that we’ll all be like my friend: working on being content, being present, and embracing the things that God has for us right now, right here.

You are changing, even if you can’t see it.
You’re shedding your old skin, one day at a time.
And one day, I promise, you’ll wake up… and you won’t even recognize yourself. For the first time in your entire life you’ll be more yourself than ever before. It’s the beauty of the gospel.

There’s hope.
Always hope.

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‘Proverbs 31 Woman’ Take-Down

The comment:

I feel like i’ll never measure up to the Proverbs 31 woman – does this mean i’m not a Godly woman or that I’m sinning by not taking the role that I should? How do I balance my unorthodox passions with who American Christianity says I should be?

I guess the real question here must ultimately stem from understanding what a ‘Proverbs 31’ woman is and if we are all supposed to be one. I don’t have the education or theological background to unpack the scripture sufficiently, but I’ll tell you my honest thoughts as I read through it again and attempt to answer your questions.

Proverbs 31 is about a ‘wife of noble character’, right? Immediately I think, so…this isn’t saying ‘the woman that all women are supposed to strive to be like’. It’s a poem, and as the author begins, he seems to be describing this woman in the context of marriage…he seems to be telling the reader that this husband should find much value in his wife (v. 10) for these reasons.

This woman, I admit, is pretty incredible. She’s good at a wide array of things–she’s good with her hands, she sews, she cooks, she works in the fields, she’s wise with investments, she’s rises early, she’s not idle, she takes care of her family, she fears the Lord…  we don’t know how old she is, and we don’t know what she looks like. Those things are insignificant when the value of this wife is determined. She is godly, above all else.

Reality? I don’t think many of us will ever measure up to this Proverbs 31 woman…but I’m not sure if that’s the goal in which we should seek to obtain. At least, not the specifics. This woman is well-rounded and flat out good at a lot of things… a lot of things that, culturally, we have no clue how to do anymore. To compare ourselves to this woman is setting ourselves up for defeat every time.

If our goal is godliness, if our goal is glorifying the Lord in all we do…then can this passage move us toward that? In some ways, yes. But, does it have to be the end all, be all of every woman’s existence? I don’t think so. Is this a good example for us of a godly woman? Yes. Is it the only example? No. Check out Deborah (ha), the judge, or maybe Ruth, or Mary, or Priscilla, or Rahab, or Tamar…

What I’m getting at is that there’s a long line of women in scripture who loved the Lord wholeheartedly and lived their lives to serve Him and if our goal is to BECOME them, then we’re losing sight of the goal of becoming like Christ.

I don’t care about becoming a ‘Proverbs 31’ woman, honestly. I can’t recall a time when that ever became something I felt like I needed to do above all else. Becoming like Jesus already seemed like the most important task at hand, and, naturally…it seems that the more we become like Him, the more those other things are going to fall into place. We have to allow room for ourselves to be ourselves as we seek godliness and not simply become this rigid form of someone else.

So… I say screw what you feel like American Christianity says that you should be and become exactly who you were intended to be. Love Jesus and strive to be more like Him each day…remembering His grace in the process.

I think you’ll be surprised by the freedom, by the joy, and by the many ways the Lord begins to use you once you step out in the fullness of who He has created you to be, instead of trying to mold yourself into someone who isn’t you. Perhaps your ‘unorthodox passions’ are the very passions you’ve been given to move you into being a non-conformist and into fighting for what is good and true.

I don’t think there’s a set ‘role’ for women that we must follow.
Seek godliness… not Proverbs 31-ness. If those characteristics happen to coincide with who you are, if they help set goals, if they provide an example… that’s one thing. But, there’s a whole lot more to following Jesus and I hope we get to live in the joy of that above all else.

(And men, I truly hope you are not seeking to FIND a woman who measures up to this standard, either. Let her be godly in her own way…and find the value in her through the many ways she glorifies the Lord in what she does, not by comparing her to someone else.)

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Trust & Obey

The comment:

The hard part is talking about my personal “stuff”. I’d rather help others than talk about my own prison. I don’t want to be judged. It’s hard exposing my darkness to light. Is there any easy way to bring up this not so easy topic?? Im afraid that others won’t care/ judge me and if they do care I’m not too sure i know how to respond. If He listens, cares, loves and/or with me than why am I still fighting these dragons?! I’m hanging by a thread but want to know and experience this hope and change, but how long of wait is to long! It all seems impossible. How do I find hope and stop doubting?? I’m lost and I’m not sure how to get out or if ill get out.

I received this response to my one of my posts last week. As I was replying, I realized that within this cry for help, there’s a bit of all of us.

So many of us are afraid that if we truly open up and share what’s going on in the depths of our hearts, that others will either not care or they’ll judge us. I know I think that way all the time. I know I’ve watched others expose some of the most intimate details of their lives, only to be met with awkward silence or a gushing of cliche sentiments about how God is still sovereign and has a plan. And then, if those things don’t happen, there’s the random chance that they really will care and, because that’s so inconsistent to what we know, it’s terrifying and we don’t know how to respond.

We often let our distrust of others become the reason that we live in isolation, and so our cells grow colder and darker and lonelier. I’m not sure trusting others is the end goal though- only, that’s what we tend to focus on. We tend to let our relationships revolve around trust, and whether or not we can divulge our entire beings to someone else will dictate whether someone is worthy of being a true friend.

When I talk about bringing light to darkness, I’m not sure how vital trust is. The point in bringing light to the darkness doesn’t seem to be about trust as much as it is about healing. Perhaps, in the process, trust will form and it will be what’s necessary…but I think the exposure to the light is all about admitting that we need Jesus. Not that we need others, per se, but that we need Jesus Christ. There’s an element of allowing others in and leaning on them, but I don’t think it’s in such a way that they become our everything, our sole confidant, our life-line. I don’t think it’s in such a way that we are asked to trust them with our entire beings.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think we, oftentimes, get to hung up on trust issues and we let that become a thing that dominates our life. I don’t trust him so I’m not going to date him, I don’t trust her so I’m not going to tell her this about my past…and the list could go on…and on and on. And, to some degree, trust needs to be there, yes. But, I think we’re fools if we go through life thinking that people are never going to let us down or hurt us. It’s within our human nature to do so. I also think we’re fools if we go through life always expecting people to hurt us. It is plausible that people can and will surprise us with their loyalty, with showing up, with loving us despite our weaknesses and we ought to let them do that.

Trusting others doesn’t mean that they are to be the keeper of all of our secrets and if they don’t hold up their end of the bargain they’ve let us down. Trusting others might simply mean that when they say they care about you or love you, that you’ll let them do that… in their own way. Trusting others might mean that you allow their love and care for you to look different than what you might have imagined. Trusting them might mean that when they’ve told someone your ‘secret’ that you ultimately know it’s because they cared about you (so they ended up telling your mom that you were cutting, or that you have an eating disorder, or that you have a drug problem…).

Unfortunately, trusting others might also mean that they betray you, or you find out that they don’t care about you at all. They might judge you. It’s part of the risk. But, again, I don’t think the letting light in is about trust. It’s about healing, and opening up to others is a step in that direction. Don’t let others’ reactions and sins be the thing that keeps you from walking in freedom.

Trust is important. It’s a huge aspect of what it means for us to love others….for love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… So when we live the majority of our lives in distrust, it seems we’ve missed the mark when we claim to love everyone.

Be willing to take risks.
Be willing to trust the Lord and walk obediently to what He has called you to do…and know that He’s going to take care of you in the process. When you’re trusting Him with this, when people hurt and betray you.. you’ll know that you are secure in something greater.

Never fear, only trust and obey.

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Death Sentence

This summer there was a trial.
It involved a conniving man who had committed murder and a high school girl who had stolen medicine to keep her dying sister alive. The campers were the jury.

It was a simulation of a trial that we put on every Monday night at camp. It gave the campers a chance to decide for themselves who was guilty and who was innocent.

I acted the part of the girl on trial. Every week I gave my testimony to hundreds of campers and let them decide my fate. Every week, while there were a few groups that proclaimed my innocence, the majority condemned me. While I was a good person, I had still broken the law. While I was going to church, sacrificially giving my money to people in need, breaking the law only because I was desperate to keep my sister alive and in the spur of the moment, when I didn’t have the money, I took the medication and ran…I was still guilty.

The other guy on trial, one of the guys I worked with, was a jerk. He was clearly guilty and clearly an idiot (especially when he attempted Aussie accents). He was a murderer- there wasn’t ever a question in any camper’s mind.

We both stood on stage, waiting to hear the camper’s verdict. This was the point during the night where I would try to muster up tears. Oftentimes, the large fan overhead in the pavilion would hit my eyes at just the right angle and cause my eyes to tear up a little. This helped, but it wasn’t yet believable that I was a high school girl in terrible distress. Groups would trickle back in and hand their verdicts in. There was always laughter, pointing, casual discussion and, usually, a jeer or a comment in our direction about how guilty we were.

While, yes, the trial was fake and everyone in the room knew it, I couldn’t help but think that it wouldn’t be much different if it was real. I remember being astonished at how quickly these campers were to judge us, to decide our fate…based on only a few facts. I remember being thrown off by the cruelty of their words and the disapproval in their eyes.

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice, call out among the scoffers…

These words would run through my mind every time at this point in the evening. I wasn’t any different from these campers. I felt like I had caught a glimpse of what it was like to be Jesus on trial. Only He had done nothing wrong. In the crowd there was accusation, judgment, scorn, ridicule…and I can’t help but think my voice would have been one of them.

The tears flowed easily at this point. For as much as I felt the scorn of others from some silly simulation, I knew it was only a taste of what Christ had endured for me…for us.

The verdict was in. We were always guilty. *applause, cheering*
The punishment? Death.

For the murderer, this sentence was met with more applause and cheering. When my sentence was read, there was often a shout of disapproval. I was dragged off stage, weeping and begging for my life.

The whole idea was to paint a picture for these campers that no matter how good we are and no matter how bad we are, we are all deserving of death…we are all sinners.  It’s only because of the blood of Jesus Christ that our sins have been atoned for. It’s only through grace that we have been saved.

I think I forget this sometimes.
I think I forget my depravity and my absolute need for Jesus.
I think I forget that no matter how good I am, no matter how bad I am… Jesus still takes me back.
I think I forget that there’s nothing I can do to earn salvation.
I think I forget that it’s already been done.

This must matter above all else.
There can’t be anything else that gets in the way.
The gospel must be the centrality from which everything flows.

It’s time we start living that way.

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Too Extroverted to Tango?

The comment:

Why do extroverted girls become introverts around guys? I am talking to a group of friends hanging out, chillin’, laughing… then along comes a guy that I do not know- it’s cool- there may be not interest on my part- But my mind goes blank of how to interact with them- I care too much what their impression of me is- therefore forfeit every part of my true identity and fade into the abyss,  my hide away- aka I run, leave, don’t try and become a hermit in my loneliness.

I mostly just think you’re scared.
Of what…?
Probably a few things. I don’t know all the elements of your past, and so I’m not sure how your past wounds and hurts play into your interactions today but it’s quite apparent that they do.

Here are a few immediate things that come to mind though:

  • What if they like you and you don’t like them back? No one likes to tell someone else that they’re not interested. It’s awkward and icky and there’s the chance that if your extroverted self is extroverted around guys, they could get the wrong idea. It’s probably happened before… as extroverted girls can easily send guys the wrong message without meaning to. The world would be a whole lot more simple if you could always be yourself and not worry about how your actions might affect others, huh? This would be the fear of confrontation. 
  • What if they like you and you maybe, sort of like them back? Not actually like them, but are interested enough to entertain the idea of more in your head…which naturally will come out with your actions. You’ll eventually find yourself flirting with them and laughing with them and, before you know it, you might even start dating someone you’re not entirely sold on… just because the attention was nice in the beginning. It’s hard to get out of these once you’re in them, and so it’s easier to not even mess with the possibility from the get go. This might be defined as the fear of getting involved in something you don’t really want. 
  • What if you like them and they don’t like you? Sometimes the extroverted-ness (I know it’s not a word…) moves you into a place of being overly flirtatious with a guy that you truly are interested in. You find yourself doing and saying things that you wish you wouldn’t…but you can’t seem to help yourself. You’re not necessarily meaning to do/say them in front of this guy, but when you’re really yourself, you kind of just let it all out and lose any sort of filter you might have had. There’s the fear of letting him see who you really are and him rejecting you. Vulnerable city? I think yes. 
  • What if they like you and you really like them back? Sometimes, when you put yourself all out there, a guy just might embrace the fullness of who you are….and he just might want to pursue you and love you for the rest of your life. Could it be?! I know it’s hard to believe, and I know it’s hard to accept…but sometimes we aren’t who we truly are because we walk in fear of believing that God would ever want anything good for us (especially in this area of life). Or maybe we’re fearful of commitment…or maybe we’re fearful that love actually exists and the ramifications of what that means for us is absolutely life-altering. 
There might be a few other ways fear could be driving you… but, I think, at the root, the issue is fear. You let the ‘what-if’s rule you and control you, and, as a result, you lose part of who you are every time you interact with the opposite sex. 
I always thought that I needed to be a certain way in order for a man to ever want to date me. I needed to be calmer, I needed to be a little less weird…maybe even a little less awkward. And then I watched friend after friend get married off (friends who are weird and crazy)…and I watched them be the fullness of who they are with their husbands. Now I’ve just realized that I’m going to be who I am and a lot of guys won’t like me or want to date me…and that’s okay. I’m quite sure I don’t want to date most of them, either. But there will be one. One who will choose to love me…despite everything else. I’m still hopeful for that…and I’m not altering myself in the process. 
I’d encourage you to do the same. To walk in the assurance that it doesn’t matter and there’s no need to be fearful… that you might live in the fullness of who you are, no matter who surrounds you, no matter who walks in the room. You might have some awkward conversations of letting a guy down gently, you might feel rejected, you might end up in some pseudo-relationship that you don’t want (try and have some accountability in this, though). It’s all okay… it’s all refining…and it’s all freeing. 
Be you. 
It’ll be the one of the most attractive things about you. 
And, you never know. Maybe he’ll like you and maybe you’ll really like him back. 
You won’t know until you’re you, though. 
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Peace is for Everyone

I had dinner with an old friend tonight.
Old friends are hard to come by these days. In the midst of new territory and new faces, it’s good to be in the presence of something familiar every so often.

He’s the kind of friend that you might not see for 8 years, but the time doesn’t change anything. The kind of friend who makes you feel like you’re ravishing and beautiful. The kind of friend who listens intently, the kind of friend who cares deeply, the kind of friend who laughs with ease. He’s the kind of friend who is open and honest, which, refreshingly, allows me to be open and honest back.

Tonight he told me that he senses a true inner peace within me. That when I say I’m good, he really knows that I mean it.

It’s actually been funny because now that I’ve been a way from people I know for several weeks, the questions I most commonly get are along the lines of, ‘How’s your heart?‘ or ‘How are you doing spiritually?‘. I’ve come to dread such questions because I feel like my response is supposed to be one that’s negative, or else one that’s full of complete exuberance.

But lately?
Lately I’ve just felt good. Not great, like I’m on the top of some emotional roller coaster…but I’m nowhere near the pits of despair either. ‘Good’ is usually the type of response you get when someone doesn’t actually want to tell you what’s going on. It’s the non-committal answer you give to someone when you’re walking by and they ask how you are and you don’t really think they care and you certainly don’t have the time to tell them anyway… and so you say, ‘good’. You all know the ‘good’ I’m referring to.

But this time, my answer is truly good.

I think I know why, too.
I think it’s because I’m not over-analyzing everything like crazy right now…especially my spiritual life. I’m not beating myself up because I’m not reading my Bible enough or praying enough… and I’m not trying to figure out all the things I’m doing/thinking wrong and allowing myself to wallow in the fact that I’m absolutely imperfect. I’m not spending my time wishing I was somewhere that I’m not.

For the first time in a long time, I feel truly content enjoying exactly where I am right now. There’s no room to dwell in the past, and I certainly have no certainty with what I’m doing in the future…and as a result, each day is just good. Why wouldn’t it be?

I know there are a lot of you out there like me…those of you who tend to over-think, over-analyze, pick everything around you (including yourself) apart. There’s always room for you to be better, to grow, to not be complacent…especially in your walk with the Lord, right? Sure… BUT… I’d urge you to allow the Lord to refine you in His timing, not yours.

In the past I felt this urgency, this desperation to get things smoothed out within myself as soon as possible. Lately… there’s been a release. There’s been an assurance that it’s okay to exist as I am and to simply trust that the Lord is going to bring me to and through things and I don’t have to go in plunging into my darkness on my own. It’ll be brought to the light… when it’s time.

You might say I’m waiting on the Lord.
And while I wait?
I’m good.
I don’t always know how to answer the questions about where my heart is or how I’m doing spiritually… but I know that I have nothing to complain about today. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring–perhaps calamity, perhaps conviction, perhaps something entirely different. I’m not going to go searching for it though. Not right now.

May the peace that passes all understanding also rest with you right now, in this moment. Don’t go searching for the 5,000 things you need to fix within… because, most assuredly, you’ll find them. I’m not so convinced anymore that that’s what this journey is about though.

Be still.
Rest easy.
Let go.
He is our peace.

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Rotting in Your Prison

Tonight feels important. 

Not for me, perhaps…. but maybe for you? 
I’ve been told often that one of the things people find refreshing about me is my honesty. I’d probably be lying if I told you I was always 100% honest with you. No, I don’t blatantly lie… but, I know that I don’t lay it all out there for you. I’m always honest enough to get by. Always honest enough to where people are thankful for my willingness to go ‘there’, but, in reality, I know that I haven’t gone quite as far as I could have. This time, I don’t feel like my honesty is as important. 
Tonight I read someone else’s honesty though. It is inspiring, but it also reminds me that sometimes my life is quite trivial. While I’ve known pain, I don’t know if I’ve known it to the degree that many of you have. While I’ve experienced tragedy, I don’t think it quite measures up to the despair some continue to feel on a daily basis. While I’ve screwed up plenty of times, nothing really feels ‘unfixable’. 
Comparing our crap to each other to see who comes out in worse condition isn’t the point here. I think I was just reminded that while I can casually be living life, there can be a world of hurt surrounding me that I’m oblivious to. 
I feel like the last few years, especially, have introduced me to territory that I’m absolutely unfamiliar with… and it’s stuff I don’t always understand or know how to relate to. But it’s stuff that’s real and stuff that people who are dear to me have struggled with (or are struggling with). Stuff like self-destruction- both in the form of suicidal thoughts and cutting. Stuff like eating disorders. Stuff like sexual addiction. Stuff like affairs and unfaithfulness. Stuff like drug and alcohol addictions. There’s more. There’s always more. 
I don’t always understand the severity of these things. I want to… but there’s a part of me that ignorantly thinks that if this is something you don’t want to do, then don’t do it. It seems like a simple, easy solution. Only… I know that it’s not. I know it’s more complicated because, as much as we don’t want to do things, we simultaneously want to. 
So, there’s instant war within. People begin fighting, what probably feels like, an endless battle and they’re unsure of who the victor currently is. They are struggling and they are desperate for a way out…they are desperate for freedom. And because sometimes the freedom and victory feel too far off to ever possibly seize, they hang their heads in defeat and immerse themselves back into the pits of despair, into the claws of addiction and self-deprecating thoughts. They stay with what they know, because what they know is…known. There are no surprises here, no need to live up to anyone else’s expectations. In some twisted way, our own prisons have become safe. 
There’s often a lashing out at God…whether it’s to question His existence at all, or to merely throw insults His way, or, more than likely, doubt His goodness as you pull yourself back up again from rock bottom. Is He there? Does He hear your prayers? Does He care? If He’s there, if He hears, if He cares…then why is all this the way that it is? 
You want answers. 
You demand answers.
And when you don’t get them, you feel your faith being chipped away a little at a time. Some of you have already gotten to the ‘Screw You’ point… you’ve dropped your cross and you are no longer following. Some of you are hanging on by a thread, dragging each foot in some direction…hoping that just once God will come through, that He’ll prove you wrong. Some of you just don’t care anymore…and you’re just doing whatever numbs the pain. 
I don’t necessarily have answers. 
I feel like I could spit a mouthful of words at you’ve already heard before and it typically doesn’t do much good until you’re ready to hear.
I’m sorry you’re hurting. 
I want to offer you hope.
I want to offer you freedom from the walls of your prison and assure you that it can be different for you. I want to tell you the stories of those who are living, breathing, changed lives…people who have found hope, who have found redemption, who have found out that the chains that bind can truly be broken. Are you ready to hear? 
There is more for you than this. 
I’d love to talk to you further about it, too. 
Your heartache, your addiction, your abuse, your despair… it doesn’t have to be yours to bear alone. And if you don’t want to talk to me, I really urge you to talk to someone. 
Stop whatever it is that you’re fighting against and talk to someone. No matter how ashamed you are, no matter how worthless you feel, no matter how much you tell yourself that no one else cares… you must take this first step. 
This is a blog about second chances.
I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t fully believe in such a thing. 
They aren’t just for me.
There is hope.
Break the chains. 
Do you hear me? 
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