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All Over

My mind feels too all over the place to write these days.

In a given moment, I could be thinking about:

  • What type of job I’ll be able to find in January that will give me the hours and the money I need to live while in school. So, I peruse jobs on the Internet. I might be a nanny. 
  • Body image. I used to think I had a very accurate perception of myself, but now I’m wondering how warped it actually it is. 
  • A new life…and new friends. I can’t envision this becoming a reality, no matter how hard I try.
  • The plethora of people I need to contact, respond to… love better. 
  • Whether or not I should stop blogging.
  • How much I think/care too much about what other people think of me. 
  • Boys…men? And how being single forever seems pretty realistic. Sometimes I’m lonely, too. 
  • The book I want to write.
  • Family- and being overwhelmed by my thankfulness for them.
  • Why the little cat isn’t cuddled up next to me right now.
  • How much I hate spending money…and how much money I’ve had to spend lately and will continue to spend for the next three years. 
  • Wanting to cut ties with everything I’ve known and start anew.
  • How I’m glad the little cat finally decided to join me.
  • God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit….Christianity… and 5,000 other things that fall under this. 
  • How to relate to other people in a way that connects with them and inspires them.
  • My upcoming trip to Africa. 

Yes…that’s right. I crawled into bed tonight, thankful that I had a bed to crawl into…and knowing that in just a few weeks, the bed I sleep in will probably be much different. I feel like my mind has been so many other places that I haven’t been able to really give much thought to what’s happening in my immediate future.

I’m going to Africa.
I’m flying to Amsterdam from Boston on November 30 and meeting up with the rest of my team there. We’ll catch a flight down to Uganda and remain for 2.5 weeks. We’re hanging out with orphans, we’re dedicating a children’s home, we’re putting on a camp. I don’t know what other expectations to have beyond this, and so I feel like I have none. I feel unprepared. I have some long skirts and I’m going to get some vaccines tomorrow. But, in less than two weeks I’ll board a plane with a carry-on and a passport and fly across the world.

Maybe it’s better that way. Maybe it’s better to be expectation-free and feeling slightly unprepared.
But it’s time to start praying more diligently for this trip.
Maybe you’ll join me.
That even beyond prayers for me and my safety and whatever other prayers seem to flow from our mouths when we don’t exactly know what to pray when people travel overseas… that we would genuinely just pray for God to be glorified, above all else. Whatever that means.

One of the mistakes I made in going overseas before was making it all about me. Wanting to see God move in ways that were powerful and life-changing… for me. I wanted to see the miracles I had heard about. I wanted to see…so I could believe.

So, while my mind may be jumping from one thing to the next rather quickly…I know that, right now, I need to focus more on this trip. It’s something I have to choose to do. To continuously surrender, to pray for my teammates, to pray for those we’ll be interacting with in Uganda… to pray that it would never be about me. To pray that I would have eyes to see the needs of others and I would be quick to react. To pray for boldness and courage. To pray that I would not complain for any reason. To pray that I would give…and give…and give. To pray that I would decrease so that He might increase.

Pray with me, if you’d like.

And in the meantime?
Keep sending me over the things that you’d like to read about…’cause sometimes me blogging feels a bit purposeless if it’s not beneficial or relatable to you. What do you want to talk about, read about, hear about? Let’s get it all out there on the table.

Thankful for you.

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Music Speaks

I love music.
Like…love it so much that it might be a requirement for the guy I marry to be musically inclined in some way. Maybe that makes me shallow.

I just think it’s powerful.
Music has a way of bringing us back to things, to people… it has a way of penetrating our hearts. It moves us deeply. It leads us into worship. It’s a way we can express ourselves when words don’t feel like enough. It’s motivating, inspiring…it’s never-ending. It caters to each of us at different times, in different moods, in different settings.

Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with my appreciation for music.

Today was one of those days where music brought me back to a moment in time. A memory that I’m not sure I’ll ever forget. It was a Wednesday night of camp and campers had just experienced ‘The Last Supper’ to the Garden of Gethsemane in full. From the Passover Meal, to the washing of feet, to the praying in the garden….each camper, each week walked through this. It included the usual gagging on horseradish and the awkward silence as counselors squeezed their way into tight spaces in order to wash their camper’s feet.

The night segued into our open-air Pavilion where all the campers would gather from their individual prayer spots. Each camper had been carrying a small rock with them for two days… a rock that represented their story. They’d each had a chance to share their story with their group. On this night, they were given a chance to surrender their life, their story, to Christ. It was a night to open the door for Christ to intersect, for Him to take over…a reminder that there was so much hope in letting go and giving it all to Him.

Their counselors collected each rock/story in a wooden trough and carried them to the Pavilion with their group trailing behind them. The idea was that they represented Christ in this big metaphor. As each pair of counselors came into the Pavilion, one in front of the trough, one in back… I would direct them to a certain spot. As we waited for them to trickle in, no one spoke…but the music penetrated our souls. By the time all the counselors were present, the shape they were in resembled that of the cross.

It was often a pretty intense night for the campers…but I was too far removed from them to really know all the details of what was going on which each of them. The thing that I vividly remember were MY ‘campers’ each week: the counselors. They’d come in carrying this uncomfortable trough, sometimes overflowing with 30+ rocks…sometimes scattered with less than ten. Sometimes I’d watch them try to hold back tears, and the unspoken looks exchanged between us told me that something powerful had just happened in their groups with one of their campers.

Sometimes they stood there for a long, long time as we waited for the last of the groups to show up. One night, in particular, seemed especially brutal. Not only was the wait long, meaning the more uncomfortable they got as they bore the weight of these stories…but there was this spiritual heaviness that seemed pressed upon them. As the music played, the words seemed to pour over us. I remember the tears that so many finally let loose, I remember the heaving shoulders, I remember seeing the desperation in their eyes as they looked up… almost as if they were pleading to God. They were prayers I never heard, but I knew they mattered.

I knew they mattered because it was as if in this moment that we all understood the urgency of the message we were presenting that night. It was the only one we could ever share that truly could change a life. It was a message of hope. And in the midst of the tears and the brokenness, there was the cross that made life possible. That makes it possible.

As my iPod randomly shuffled to one of these songs today, I was immediately taken back to this place. I was immediately back to this time where Jesus Christ was all that mattered… and I needed to be reminded of that again. I needed to be reminded that I am carrying His name…’for all of my days, in all of my ways’.

This is the only story that matters: the Gospel.
How does my own story reflect the only one that does…? How does yours?
Jesus, Your name… forever. 
Soak it in for yourself.

How merciful the cross
How powerful the blood

How beautiful Your arms

Open for us

Open for us

No greater love

God’s only Son

Jesus, Jesus

No other name

Mighty to save

Jesus, Jesus

By Your wounds we are healed

And You have conquered the grave

And in Your rising, we will rise

To carry Your name

Above every name

I will carry Your name

Carry Your name

Jesus, Your name forever

For all of my days

In all of my ways

Jesus, Your name forever

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“Bad Christian” Syndrome

The comment:

I want to lead in an upbeat, ecstatic joyful way all the time and I’m just not doing it. I’ve gotta get my head in the game. I need to be content more, but I’m almost too stuck in “I’m fine with where I am”

You might have what I’ve dubbed “Bad Christian” Syndrome. “Bad Christian” Syndrome is typically characterized by a lack of desire or unwillingness to do spiritual things that historically keep us connected to God and others. Sometimes this also includes a lack of fervor or excitement for the things God is doing around you. People with “Bad Christian” Syndrome often experience guilt, anxiety, loneliness, and self-sabotage. Common symptoms include (but are not limited to):

  • a resistance to pray, read the Bible, go to church, or talk in depth with other Christians.
  • absence of emotional and spiritual zeal/energy

Not every person with “Bad Christian” Syndrome has the same symptoms in the same way. You may not have all of these symptoms, or you may have different symptoms at different times…

My point?
Too often we lump ourselves into this category of being a ‘Bad’ Christian without legitimate reason…and instead of it moving us toward something better, I fear it moves us toward self-loathing, guilt trips and unrealistic expectations.

Honestly, the first thing that crossed my mind when I read the first sentence of the comment above was, ‘Don’t‘.

Don’t be that Christian leader who leads in an upbeat, ecstatic, joyful way all the time. Don’t be that person because that person isn’t real. That person isn’t raw or authentic. That person doesn’t admit that sometimes days just suck, and that sometimes life is hard…and that most of the time, that’s okay.

I often think the leaders I respect the most are the ones who are willing to admit that they don’t have it all together, but are still pushing on toward better. The ones who can readily admit mistakes, heartaches, brokenness…the ones who know they cannot do it on their own.

I guess I don’t think that people typically need a leader who embodies perfection…they need a leader who embodies hope, love, and grace.

Unfortunately, “Bad Christian” Syndrome subconsciously has woven it’s way into our core…especially for those of us who have grown up in the church. It feels next to impossible to shake the expectations placed on us for what a “Good Christian” leader should exemplify.  But, I’m trying.

I want to tell you that it’s okay to not be the same all the time. It’s okay to not be this version of you that sometimes feels like a facade. That sometimes it’s fine to be “fine with where you are”. It’s this weird balance of being content and continuously pushing on toward better.

I feel like my best moments of leading others were the moments where I shared my weakness and brokenness. In those moments, people saw me as human… they saw me as someone not so different than them. In that instant, they were able to relate to me in a way that maybe they couldn’t before. I wish I had more moments like that, but I, too, get caught up in the fight against trying to lead this perfect way.

There doesn’t ever have to be a “Bad Christian” Syndrome anymore…and the guilt that so often accompanies it. In the end, we’re all just doing the best we can to figure this thing out.

So here’s to authenticity.
To being willing to admit when we don’t have it all together…even as we lead.
And let us push through, clinging to the hope we know we have in Jesus Christ…letting Him be our all, because we know without Him we have nothing.
And let’s be transparent in that pursuit as well.

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Prayer is Hard

It’s hard for me to pray. 

Three failed attempts at writing this blog, and I’m still struggling to put words to my thoughts. 
I went through a period in college where I refused to pray out loud. Looking back, I’m not really sure why… but I remember being at a volunteer meeting for a high school ministry that I was involved in and one of the directors asked me to pray for our food and I flat out denied the request. It’s ridiculous and immature to think about…but, I think I understand the theory behind why I did what I did.
I didn’t feel authentic. 
I think, in praying out loud, I was aware that I was more concerned with how I sounded to other believers than I was concerned for what I was actually praying about. That in the circles where everyone goes around and gets the chance to pray, I was the person who spent majority of the time trying to think of what I was going to say instead of listening to what anyone else was actually praying. I wanted it to sound good. I wanted to have the best prayer. The type of prayer where people ‘mhmm’ and ‘amen!’ because what you’re praying resonates so deeply within them. 
Prayer had become a source of pride for me.
And so I needed to go into my room, close the door…and pray to my Father in secret.
But, even when I pray in secret…I still feel guilty for not praying enough, for not being as focused as I could, for not interceding for those I love and care about more regularly…and especially for not praying for those I don’t want to love at all. I sometimes feel like a failure at prayer…and I sometimes feel like it doesn’t matter. 
Not that prayer doesn’t matter…but that us caring so much about how much we pray doesn’t matter. Mostly I think that our guilt can deter us from actually praying. Instead of beating ourselves up and wallowing about how we need to pray more… maybe we should just shut up and pray more. 
Maybe that sounds like an aversion to a hard question. Maybe it is right now. 
I just think we are too easily caught up in everything we are doing wrong that we forget that even if it’s not perfect, that we’re still seeking Jesus. Maybe it’s okay for that to be a bit of a rugged process. 
It’s hard for me to imagine Jesus being too disappointed with my prayer life… because I’m not sure that my prayer life is always a reflection of how much I love Him. Jesus doesn’t say, “If you love me, I’ll know by the frequency in which you pray.” 
Prayer is important. It is. 
But.. instead of freaking out about how we don’t do it enough… let’s just do it. 
Even when it’s hard. 
And let’s not let who we are be defined by how much or how little we pray. 
I’m a rugged piece being refined in this process of learning daily what it means to follow Him. 
I’m okay with that right now.
I hope you are, too. 
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A Bridge

Today started off with a reminder of how small I am.

And it quickly moved into a day where I was reminded how incapable I am of relating to so many people. Sometimes, at the climax of my zeal, I think I can identify with every single person in the world on some level. Today I realized that it might be ridiculous to entertain such a thought.

If we were playing ‘Never Have I Ever’, I think I would lose…because I haven’t really experienced a lot of things that a lot of people have.

Let’s see…
Never Have I Ever…

  • been drunk
  • had sex
  • lost a loved one
  • been poor (like, truly poor)
  • been homeless
  • been severely injured
  • had severe health problems
  • been friendless
  • been abused
  • been raped
  • had an eating disorder
  • seriously considered suicide my only option
  • cut myself
  • done drugs
  • been abandoned by my family
  • questioned my sexuality 
  • gone without food
… there’s probably a lot of other things that could be added to the list, but those were the first ones that popped into my mind after 5 minutes of thinking about it. The point isn’t to sound like a ‘Goody-Goody’…although, as I re-read the list, I realized that’s how I might come across. The point is to admit that I rarely know what a lot of other people have gone through or dealt with on a firsthand basis. Sometimes the differences in our experiences make me feel as though no bridge could ever be built to close the gap. 
Because I don’t know. 
I don’t know what it’s like to struggle with addictions, or life-altering questions, or diseases, or hurts, or pains, or losses that are so deep that they feel defining…and maybe they actually are defining. 
I wonder how much these different experiences keep us from ever wanting to even try to bridge the gap, regardless of which side we are on. If I adopt a mentality of, ‘I’ll never understand…’ and they adopt a mentality of ‘She’ll never understand…’ then we end up more distant than ever. 
In a world where I can quickly point out my insignificance (i.e. the video above), I’d venture to say that we can still find meaning and purpose. I wonder what it might be like to bridge the gap…to find commonalties among us. Regardless of our past experiences, of our backgrounds, of our challenges and struggles… might there ever be a way for me to relate to you, and for you to relate to me? 
Perhaps my grandiose visions of finding ways for us all to identify on some level aren’t that idiotic after all. Perhaps there is a way. Perhaps it starts with a mentality of, ‘I may not fully understand, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try…’ or, ‘She may not fully understand, but that doesn’t mean I can’t talk to her or trust her…’. Perhaps it begins with a willingness to connect, to see things from a different perspective than before, to remain open-minded to people who may be different from you…whether they’ve experienced a lot or very little. Perhaps it moves us into a realm of no judgement. 
Maybe there’s purpose and meaning in that. 
And maybe, at the core of all of our differences, there might be something that unifies us all. That despite the degree of our struggles and pains, we all still have them. We’re all still broken. We’re all still searching for answers. We’re all still desperate for something more than this. 
It’s a place of commonality, a plane we all exist in. A place where even in my past travels overseas, where I literally have nothing in common with those that I’m with (including culture and language), I can feel more connected than ever. 
I don’t know if you can look past my naivety and inexperience. I don’t know if you can look past the fact that my life seems pretty blessed. I don’t know if you can see beyond the notion that I’m a goody-two-shoes (and if you’ve read my blog much, you probably can). I hope you can. I hope these things don’t keep us from finding commonalities, from finding deeper connections. 
I hope that although my experiences might be different from yours, that it doesn’t cause us to halt as we exchange stories, as we share dreams, as we move forward into the future. I hope we aren’t too quick throw each other to the curb because our worlds are too different…I hope we aren’t too quick to check out and give up. 
I hope we remember what we have in common.
I hope we remember the thing that we all need, the thing that we’re all desperate for.
For all have sinned and fallen short. 
I need Jesus.
I’m guessing you do, too.
Let us not forget how united we are in that, no matter how different we may appear on this side of life. And may everything else pale in comparison …
No matter how big the universe is, and no matter how small we might be (and often feel)…may we not forget what matters. And may we always try to bridge the gap. 
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Funeral Thoughts

‘Do you want to get married?’

It was one of the most significant memories in a cemetery that I can recall to this day. I still blush thinking about the freudian slip while attempting to ask my best guy friend (whom I also had a severe crush on at the time) if he wanted to be Buried or cremated. We were taking an afternoon stroll through a scenic cemetery in our college town on a crisp fall day. Neither of us knew a proposal was on order, and, in my humiliation, I quickly tried to recover… I’ve probably subconsciously avoided cemeteries ever since.

But, there are a lot of cemeteries in the northeast.
I went for a short run/long walk in one this afternoon. Creepy, sure… but beautiful, nonetheless. It’s a cemetery marked by age and history, not to mention the lakes, trees and rolling hills. Aside from the occasional mind rabbit trail where I imagine the thousands of corpses under the ground that I’m treading upon, I tend to think a lot when I’m in a cemetery. Today was no exception.

When I was younger, I used to think (hypothetically, of course) of the ways that I could fake my own death. Once ‘dead’, there would obviously be a funeral for me. My grand plan was to find a way to scout out my funeral and see who would actually show up, who would actually care if I died. Would people make an effort to come? Beyond the showing up, I wanted to know what people would say about me, I wanted to hear the eulogies (eugooglies?).  If I could be a fly on the wall of my funeral…an ant in a blade of grass at my burial…then I would know if I really mattered to people and who I really mattered to.

I imagine other people have had similar thoughts. This desperation in wanting to know that we matter, to know that we’re doing something right, that we’re making an impact on more people than ourselves. It’s a cry to be truly known, loved, cared about.

I was reminded in a sermon today of how risky it is to let people in.
I was also reminded of how worth it it is….and how much we we all, deep down, desire it. We were made for it.

It’s interesting, because sometimes I get concerned with the numbers. I think about my funeral with a small number of people in attendance and it makes me feel like I failed at life. But I wonder how much the opposite might be true. That in this pursuit to be known perhaps we make the mistake of getting caught up in how many people we know versus how many people we know. Facebook friendship vs. true friendship, perhaps?

I’ve realized that my life has become far more about trying to let a mass of people know I care about them and a lot less about letting people actually know me. I’m quick to dodge questions about myself and eager to ask you questions about your life and your own struggles and joys. It’s a one-sided relationship…one where I hope you feel known/loved by me, and one where I escape being known by you. And, as I get to know more people, my ability to truly care about them decreases as my time, energies, efforts are divided. Instead of being a truly good friend to a few, I feel like I’m a disaster of an acquaintance to many.

I’m honestly not sure what this means going forward.
I think there’s something to consider as we develop relationships with other people, as we seek to go beyond the surface. Instead of focusing so much on the number of people that we are Facebook friends with, what might it look like to consider the depth of those friendships. Do you have authentic relationships with others? Relationships where people encourage you, but also challenge your weaknesses and call you to something greater? Relationships where people know you, even the ‘not-so-hot’ you? Relationships where you know you are supported, cared about…and loved… no matter what?

I don’t think this unattainable.
I just think it’s scary. But it’s what we want… whether you’re ready to admit it or not.
I have a few of these friendships, and, to be honest, they sometimes tend to be the people that I run from the most…the people that I find most annoying at times because they ask the hard questions and expect more from me. I can’t hide from them, but yet I try. They are friendships that push me toward Christ in ways that others simply cannot. They are good. They are necessary.

I don’t think we need every relationship on earth to be like this. I think that’s an unrealistic expectation. But, we need some. Even Jesus only had a few close buds.

I hope we become people who care much more about quality than we do quantity. I hope we become people who are willing to go ‘there’ with a few people in life.

Think about it.

And if, by some chance, I do get to witness my funeral? I hope I’m just thankful for those deep friendships instead of disappointed by a lack of attendance. That my significance and worth wouldn’t come from fame or popularity…but from something much greater. Being truly known, loved and adopted by the Creator of the universe…and from that, may everything else flow.

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Next Steps

I’m sitting here, with a blank ‘Notification of Intent’ Form lying next to me.

To fill it out, attach $100 and send it in…? That is the question.

I’ve officially been offered a spot in the Master of Arts in Counseling Program at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary (about 25 miles north of Boston) to begin after the new year. I’ve also been offered a spot in a house off-campus that’s a few steps away from a beach off Mackerel Cove.

Beautiful, right?
It’s the cool kind of beach (at least to me). The kind where it’s rarely too hot, the kind where you can wear jeans and a sweatshirt and it feels just right. A New England beach, with rocks and trees…the kind that entices you to eat seafood even when you don’t think you like seafood.

It’s a sweet opportunity. All of it is.
But, I’m scared to sign the paper. I’ve been scared to make this decision for a while, but up until I was actually accepted into the program, it wasn’t a decision I had to make.

I think this is one of those times that I don’t necessarily know what my next step should be and so it paralyzes me. It’s one of the times where I want God to audibly confirm my plans so I can feel assured in taking a risk. It’s probably one of those times where I just have to go forth confidently and faithfully, trusting that it’s okay to not always know.

It’s tricky because while becoming a licensed professional counselor/writing is a dream on some level, there are also many more dreams. How do you know which ones to let go of and which ones to press further into? Can I somehow do them all simultaneously? Perhaps I’ll try.

I think my biggest fear is pursuing something and missing out on something better. In fact, I think it’s a fear that haunts me in all other areas of life, not just with this. A fear of commitment. A fear of saying ‘let’s do this’ and having a different, better opportunity come along. It keeps me from committing to marriage, to a job, to Friday night plans…

But I can’t stay here forever….here in this land of limbo, living a transient life-style with no income or stability. Some part of me thinks if I could, I would…but some part of me is ready to dive into something new and different. Some part of me is ready for a new adventure, a new community, a new world of possibilities… even if the reality of what that means is actually somewhat terrifying.

And so I’m going for it.
I may not know what this next step will unveil for me, I may not know what other possibilities will come along… but right now, it doesn’t matter.

Good things are in store, of that I am sure.
I will walk blindly into this next phase in life…entering back into a realm of academia, trusting that I haven’t completely forgotten how to take tests, write papers and study. I will find a church, a part-time job, a close network of new friends in which to share life with.

But above all, I know this decision has eternal significance…that pursuing this dream is a part of something greater than just me. The end goal seems worth it.

So I guess you’ll find me on the east coast for the next few years.
No more running, no more indecisiveness, no more fear.

I hope you’ll continue to join me in this journey as I remain engaged in this online dialogue with you…no matter where I am and no matter where you are. And may we mutually encourage each other as we strive to live lives that are no longer about us, as we hope in the second chances possible through Jesus Christ, as we serve the Living God.

I hope, if you’re up against any sort of decision right now, that you’d be willing to take a plunge with me… even if you don’t know everything that it entails.
May we take risks, dream big… and trust Him to take care of us in every regard.

I’m signing my name to this form… I’m unwilling to miss out on this opportunity.
All in.

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Sweet Nothings?

Have you ever had someone whisper sweet nothings into your ear? 

I have. 
I went something like this: 
‘Sweet Nothings…‘ 

Yes, quite literally. 
I was a young gun at the time, wrapped up in the newly discovered world of college liberties and I suddenly found myself in a passionate embrace with a boy down the hall. Happy Gilmore flashed in the dark dorm room and I was enjoying, what I thought was, a casual night of making out. And then it happened.

‘Sweet Nothings.’ 
The whispered words felt like they echoed in the room. Did he really just literally whisper ‘sweet nothings’ into my ear? It was at this point in the make-out session that I realized that maybe this wasn’t so casual after all. Granted, I wasn’t exactly an expert…but I was quite sure that talking, let alone sweet nothings, ought to be non-existent in such an arrangement. Unsure of any sort of acceptable verbal response and fearful of the eruption of laughter I was trying to stifle, I immediately resumed the kissing. 

It became a complicated situation. In addition to the fact that I actually had a major crush on his roommate and not this guy, it turned out the ‘sweet nothings’ had stemmed from actual feelings. Crap. 

It wasn’t the first time that I had learned the lesson that all guys aren’t just all sex. I think I had fooled myself into believing that all men were capable of physical intimacy without any sort of emotional attachment…and so in the moments that I also felt capable of such a feat, I took advantage of it. It’s nothing I’m proud of, nothing that I would condone…but, it happened once or twice… 

I think, too often, us women can tend to make a lot of generalizations about the male population. This seems to be one of them. And while, sure, men can engage in sexual things without feeling an ounce of emotional/romantic connection… so can women. We should probably also be aware that there are a lot of men who are not capable of the sexual stuff without the emotional stuff, too. 

I actually think that women might be prone to take advantage of men in this arena. Maybe we just forget that guys have feelings, too. Maybe it’s easier for us to think that they only want one thing…because then we don’t have to be responsible for their feelings. It gives us room to do whatever we want, with whomever we want…and then to hate them for when they’re exactly who we expect them to be. 

All that to say… casual physical intimacy is very rarely ever just casual. Ladies, I hope you consider the fact that men do have feelings and can get hurt the next time you try to strike up a random make-out session or whatever other sexual need you think needs to be fulfilled. I hope you consider it when you’re flirting and sexting and putting yourself out there in ways that you’re probably ashamed of, convincing yourself that it’s not hurting anyone else. It just might be. 

Because even beyond the physical realm, I think we tend to allow men wanting us in any capacity to play on our emotions…to satisfy a deeper longing. 

If you’re not interested in a guy, don’t act like it. 
Don’t lead him on in the way that you talk to him, in the amount of time you spend with/talking to him, in the way that you touch him, or hug him, or look at him. Don’t use him to satisfy something within you that he was never meant to satisfy and will never ultimately satisfy. Don’t ever get in a position where he might whisper sweet nothings in your ear. 

Don’t prey upon men to get what you want because you think that they’re never going to get attached to you. And, if you already know they’re interested and you don’t back off… well, that’s a whole other issue. 

Bottom line: be women of integrity. 
You know the things you do that allow men that you don’t like to fulfill certain voids within you. Stop doing them. 

Deal? 

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To Speak…Or Not…?

The comment:

When your friend is dating someone you don’t like and you don’t agree with it, do you say something OR do you abide by this supposed code and keep your mouth shut because they are “happy”? 

Great question.
If I had a nickel for every time I got out a relationship and the immediate reaction from close friends and family was elation, I’d be…well, richer.

But, seriously… sometimes I feel like the whole world around me is holding their breath while I’m in a relationship, secretly hoping that this isn’t the guy I end up with. When it’s over, it’s as though they can breathe again and that often includes a barrage of reasons why he just wasn’t ‘right’ for me. Sometimes tears of relief are shed (by people who aren’t even my mom). I can’t help but think, ‘If you were that emotionally distraught by the thought of me being with him, why didn’t you just say something?!?’

I get it. I get why people don’t. When I asked my family and friends why they didn’t say anything when I was in these various relationships, I’m often met with some sort of answer like, ‘Just because I don’t like him doesn’t mean that you don’t… you clearly do, so I wasn’t going to let my dislike of him get in the way of that.’  That’s fair…if you just don’t like him but think that he’s good for me, I guess.

OR, there’s the common, ‘It’s not my business to say anything.’…or, ‘You’re going to be the one to have to live with him your whole life, and I’m not going to try to tell you that I know him better than you.’…or, ‘I trust your judgment.’

Okay… sure. But it’s a little infuriating when the vast majority of the people in your life suddenly come forward after a relationship is over to confess all their concerns and fears about you spending the rest of your life with someone. That certainly doesn’t help me after there’s no need to even decide on whether or not being in the relationship is a good idea. It’s been decided and your two cents after the fact just makes me pissed that you didn’t have the nerve to tell me while we were dating. Even if you’re just trying to make me feel better about the relationship being over… a heads-up while I was all in would have been nice, too.

And some people did say stuff, and I wasn’t willing to listen (can’t we all identify with that?)…but I certainly appreciated them being honest with me, even if I didn’t like it at the time. I’m not really angry about it (whether people did or didn’t say things)… I mostly think it’s intriguing to think about why we don’t always say something and when, or if, we ever should.

There’s a lot of people that get into relationships that I think are terrible ideas. I don’t always tell them. So, at what point do you address concerns that you have? Is it ever appropriate? Is it ever received well?

Honestly–I have a hard time believing that it is ever received well. I’m not sure that’s a good enough reason for us to not be honest with those closest to us, though. I think, in confronting things of such a sensitive nature, we should probably always expect that we most likely won’t be met with open arms. In fact, people may try to distance themselves from us, they may not want to talk to us anymore, they may think we’re out to get them. It’s why it’s risky for us to say anything…and it’s probably why most of us don’t. Plus, we don’t want to meddle.

I think making a decision to say something or not boils down to your relationship with the other person, your reason for it not being a good idea, and how you approach said confrontation. Here are some things to consider:

  • How close are you to this person? 
    • Do you have the kind of friendship/relationship that withstands disagreements/tension? 
    • Do they know that you love them, no matter what? That you have their best interest in mind? 
  • In saying something, do you have any alternative motivation for this relationship not working out (i.e. are you in love with your best friend and so any relationship he/she gets in is automatically a bad idea if it’s not you…) 
    • Does your dislike of the person have anything to do with you? (i.e. your best friend suddenly disappeared because they started dating someone and now you’re jealous, sad, lonely because you don’t get to see them anymore…you want your best friend back!) 
If you’re truly worried about your friend/family member, if you truly believe this relationship is a bad idea, if you’ve seen them going down a ‘bad’ path as a result of this relationship… if you have legitimate reasons that you’re concerned, I think you’re obligated to say something. But, I think if you say something, you have to be okay with the fact that they may not listen to you and you’ll have to choose to love them regardless. You’ll have to be okay with the fact that in such a confrontation they might react defensively or in anger and you cannot retaliate. 
I think my confrontations with relationships I’ve felt uncomfortable with/iffy about have often occurred in question form. Rather than attacking people, or making them feel like the person they care very deeply for is stupid or wrong for them… I tend to ask questions. I’d rather them come to that conclusion on their own than just listen to what I’m saying. 
I think when we ask questions (the right questions) that we also gain an awareness of where our loved ones are coming from. When we ask questions, we’re inviting them to dialogue with us, to open up to us, to tell us what they really think/feel vs. us just assuming that we already know. Perhaps they’re already aware of the ways this relationship is harmful and they just need someone to listen/talk with them instead of being talked at.

Either way… they’ll hear you. They may not listen or heed your advice…but I think if you’re going in with truly good intentions, that you’ll be okay. They’ll appreciate you for caring, and they’ll appreciate you for loving them even when/if they decide to keep pressing on. And, if they ever do breakup…? They’ll be so thankful you were a friend that was willing to speak up, even if it was hard. If they don’t? I think they’ll still appreciate you being willing to vocalize your concerns and not just let them forge ahead into something you had reservations about.

Be honest.
Be gentle.
Know when to speak and when to be silent (a.k.a. listening).
Know which issues are important enough to say something about…and make sure you’re driven by your love and concern for your friend.

And… if you’re on the receiving end of a friend/family member confronting you with some concerns about your relationship? Let them…and don’t hate them for it. Remember that they are saying it because they care about you, not because they are out to get you or resent you for your happiness…or whatever reason you invent in your head. Be thankful that you have people in your life that love you too much to stay silent. Be willing to examine their concerns and invite other wise counsel in to ask their advice on your relationship. Ultimately… be willing to trust the Lord is going to take care of you, no matter what.

Don’t be afraid of hard conversations- no matter which side you’re on.
You might know you need to say some things….you might know you need to hear some things.
So, what are you waiting for?

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