Blog

Men cry.

I’m not sure if you knew that… but, they do. And sometimes, when they cry, it’s okay. I used to not always allow such grace. In my head, crying was quite symbolic of weakness and I didn’t like the idea of ‘weak’ men. Remember how I like strong, manly men?

But, they cry. Just like I cry.
Note to Debbie: crying isn’t reserved for females.

I think one of the other reasons I wasn’t too keen on men crying was that I hadn’t seen it much when I was growing up. It was an uncomfortable site to see because when a man cries it’s usually that something is really wrong…and we’re usually pretty bad creatures at responding well to others in crisis (or maybe that’s just me). To this day I can only think of a couple instances that I’ve seen my dad cry…the most vivid is when one of my brothers was being wheeled away into open heart surgery.

Men don’t typically cry at the same things women do, nor at the frequency we do. But there’s a strange beauty in allowing them to cry when they need to. Unfortunately, I’ve often been a forbidder of the male tears. One guy I dated felt no freedom to show this part of himself because he knew I thought of it as a weakness…and, as a result, I then was never allowed into this part of his heart. I don’t blame him. I had shut the door before he had even invited me in by making blanket statements about how men shouldn’t cry…or, how unattractive it was when they did.

I regret this. I truly do.
Here’s something you should know about me and movies: I don’t cry during them. At this point it’s probably a source of pride, but regardless of how emotional a movie can be, I do whatever it takes to keep tears from rolling down my cheeks. I think the only times I’ve even considered allowing this ‘rule’ to be broken have been when I’ve seen men cry. Weep. Mourn. Embrace each other as they experience loss and heartache and true tragedy.

I think what gets me about scenes like this is that they portray humility. A letting go of walls and defenses, a moment of truly feeling, an ability to not care about maintaining a ‘manly’ exterior and just existing in the emotion that seizes the entire body. There’s something beautiful about it. There’s something raw and deep and necessary about it.

As I’ve been writing this, I recognize that Jesus wept. More than once. It’s hard to imagine what that might have been like to witness, and the emotions that might have accompanied such a visual.

But, I think it opens us up to something important about the men in our lives…and the nature of humans. I think there’s something necessary to letting ourselves (whether we are men or women) fully embrace what it means to mourn, what it means to weep, what it means to release and allow the tears and the sobs to flow. To let go of having to ‘be’ a certain way and exist in the moments where we aren’t always trying to swallow back tears because we are mortified of what others might think of us.

Women, I hope you’ll let men cry when they need to without thinking of them as weak. I hope you’ll let them be sensitive and in touch with their emotions. I hope we can recognize that it’s good and necessary and value the strength that it takes to allow the tears than the cowardice that comes when they are held back.  And men, I hope you feel the freedom to cry without it taking away from your ‘manliness’. That you would be able to bring us women into these places of your heart and soul, that you would let us mourn with you when it’s necessary and good.

To sit and to cry together.
No words are needed.
The sorrow may last for the night… and may we then also embrace the fullness of joy that comes in the morning.

Men cry.
And it’s good.
Even when I don’t always know what to do with it… I’m thankful for it.
Be raw, men. No need to hide. You are strong, even in the tears.

I sometimes like to ask my guy friends what I should write about on this blog. As this is a site geared toward women (although I recognize that a surprising number of men read it, which I love…), I am always looking for male perspectives on things that us girls seem to be ignorant of.

Most recently, the comment (from a man) to all the ladies was a, ‘Don’t suck at communication’.

After probing a little more, this turned into a, ‘You’ve probably written a blog on girls thinking that guys can read minds, right?’ And while my answer to that question is probably a yes, it never hurts to remind ourselves of this little truth.

In this particular instance, the story goes a little something like this:
Guy and girl meet and become friends. Guy and girl are great friends who enjoy each other’s company immensely. Guy realizes he has feelings for the girl (okay, he may have had feelings the whole time…but that’s another blog for you gentlemen) and decides he ought to let the girl know where he’s at. Guy tells girl that he likes her. Girl doesn’t say much of anything, but starts changing the way she treats her guy friend completely.

Maybe you’re familiar with this story. Maybe you’re even a character in this story…?

One of my college roommates and I always used to say that if a guy ever asked for our phone number that we would give it to him. I can still hear her say, ‘If he’s got the balls to ask, I’m going to at least give him my number’. I never got the chance to back her in that, but she certainly had a guy ask for her number and then even obliged him with a first date. I loved her desire to honor the risk, to award a guy for mustering up the courage to ask her out.

But, seriously ladies…
If he has the balls to tell you that he likes you, don’t you think you could at least respect him enough to actually tell him how you feel instead of assuming that he’s going to know exactly what’s going on in that crazy head of yours? Because, believe it or not, sometimes women back off for reasons other than not being interested. Sometimes we just get freaked out, sometimes we have commitment issues, sometimes we just don’t know how we feel… but don’t you think he deserves for you to have an honest, open dialogue about where you’re at (even if you’re just not interested)? Don’t you think he wants to have that conversation with you?

Putting yourself out there is risky, and as much as us women complain about men not stepping up and telling us if they like us or not, it seems we ought to respond in an honest, forthright way when they do. Living up to the very same thing we expect (and hope for) in the male counterpart. There’s no room for a double standard here.

And yes, I know that sometimes you are probably trying to preserve his feelings and you feel ‘too harsh’ telling him that you’re not interested and so you’re just hoping he catches on to your shorter emails, delayed text messages, unanswered phone calls and avoidance of hanging out with just the two of you…. but, I mostly just think that when we respond to men this way (especially men that we’ve been calling a friend), that we are just cowards. Selfish cowards. Probably (honestly) thinking more about how uncomfortable we are going to feel instead of valuing their hearts and their desire for honest and open communication.

Just think about it.
Think about what you would want if you were in their shoes.
Sometimes I think we think it’s our responsibility to keep their hearts intact, but I often think we do them much more of a disservice when we don’t clearly communicate what we are thinking/feeling.

Despite what you may think, they can’t read our minds (nor do we want them to). Don’t expect them to. And don’t expect them to accurately read your actions, either.

If you’re a character in this story, I hope you’ll make efforts to openly communicate with the guy who has put himself out there for you. He thought you were worth it. I hope you think he’s worth an honest (and maybe hard, but kind) conversation about where your heart is at concerning him.

And men? Thanks for putting yourself out there, even when us women respond like crazies from time to time. I hope you’ll keep doing it. I hope you’ll keep taking risks for us. Know that my inbox is always open for blog topics from you, too.

I remember being pretty antsy when my senior year of college rolled around.

I only had a few months to snag a boyfriend if I was hoping to finish up my MRS degree in time for graduation. That was always the plan, right? Graduate high school, go to college, graduate from college and then get married… the rest I could figure out with my husband.

Life didn’t really work out that way, though. It’s been over six years and I still get these anxious thoughts about needing to have a boyfriend so I can get married by these weird deadlines I’ve created for myself in my head. It didn’t help when all my single friends eventually got boyfriends, fiances and then husbands.

But…the thing is…
I’ve loved my life.
I wouldn’t change the way it’s gone down (if anything, I’d change the amount of time I’ve spent caring/worrying about being single). I talk to a lot of girls in their early twenties who are still single and in a lot of despair about never getting married, and I can’t help but think, ‘You’ve got so much time…and you’ve got so much time to do incredible things!’

Yes, marriage is a beautiful blessing and I’m looking forward to when it’s that time for me, but I don’t want to wish away the moments that I have now and the opportunities that I have now. Opportunities that I have because I’m not married.

So this post is for all the single ladies…especially all you ladies who feel discouraged about your singleness. Seize it. Live in it. Enjoy it. Take advantage of the time that you have, the freedom that you have, the ability that you have to do what you feel called to do without having to consider how a husband or family might affect that. Don’t alter the things you think the Lord is asking you to do because you’re scared that you couldn’t possibly meet the man of your dreams while doing it. Go! Do it! You just might meet someone when you least expect it…and even if you don’t, it shouldn’t be the priority in your life.

Would you trust that the Lord will be good and faithful to you in your desire for a companion? Would you trust that you don’t have to make it happen? Would you trust that you can truly surrender this part of your life and live abundantly in the greater calling He has for you right now?

Gosh, I know it’s easier said than done… but I earnestly yearn for this to not be a thing that drags you down or discourages you. There’s so much freedom and goodness to be found in your singleness.

If there’s something in your life that you know the Lord is calling you to but you’ve been hesitating because of the possibility of something working out with a guy…? I urge you to be obedient. If there’s something in your life that you know the Lord is calling you to but you’ve been ignoring because you think you’ll never meet someone in India or at that new job or volunteering for that organization…? I urge you to be obedient.

Don’t miss out on the greater thing for your life because you’re crippled by the fear of being alone. Don’t miss out on impacting the Kingdom eternally because you’re too focused on the temporary. Don’t miss out on the opportunities, on the experiences, on the people who the Lord is asking you to love because you are consumed by the ‘what-ifs’.

Go.
Be single.
Embrace this time…because you probably won’t have it forever.
Make waves in the Kingdom because of your willingness to go forth into whatever He is calling you to, single or not. Be willing to set aside your own plans for your life and live in the fullness, in the better, that He has for you.

I promise it’s awesome.
I wouldn’t change a thing.

Live a life of no regret, eh?

Have you ever been so overwhelmed by the way someone has given to you? And given, and given, and given… without asking for anything in return?

I have.
And in the midst of being overwhelmed, I’ve been steadily shown how hard it is for me to receive. To receive something from someone with no way to pay them back, with no real way to show them how thankful you actually are?

It’s emotionally unbearable. It’s brought me to tears every time I talk about it. I’ll probably cry at some point while I write this post.

I recently had a friend overwhelm me with kindness. It was a kindness I didn’t deserve, and yet, all I could do was receive it. No money could repay my debt…no words, no act, no anything. And so I stood, and I received…and recognized how I was experiencing the Gospel. The Lord used my friend to remind me of His kindness when I am so undeserving of it, His faithfulness when I seem unable to offer my own in return, His grace when I am in desperate need of it, His love when I am fearful of it.

I want to overwhelm someone with kindness.
I want to be someone who gives and gives and gives…and asks (and expects) nothing in return. I want to be that kind of friend. I want to be that kind of roommate. I want to be that kind of daughter, that kind of sister, that kind of co-worker, that kind of mentor. And, simultaneously, I know I need to be someone who is able to also receive it.

For as hard as it was for me to receive gift upon gift from a friend, I’ve realized how this paralleled my struggle to receive from the Father. The moments when I’m overwhelmed by His grace and mercy and love pouring out over my life are the moments when I feel the desperate need to somehow repay my debt. And then I come crashing to a halt where I realize I can do nothing…and I fall on my face, no words able to communicate how truly grateful I am. It’s one of the most humbling things I can think of.

Our debt has not only been paid, but we serve a God who continually lavishes goodness upon us. A God who gives and gives and gives. And even when we don’t always feel like it, and even when we feel forgotten and abandoned in the midst of various circumstances…the storm clears, and we see, yet again, Christ’s faithfulness throughout it all. We see the way He provided for us, the way He brought us into an even better that we never thought possible.

I pray that you remember that…and I pray that you can receive that, even in the times where God might feel far from you. I pray that He would bring someone into your life to remind you tangibly of what it means to receive when you feel most undeserving of someone else’s kindness. I pray that He would heap goodness upon you.

And I pray that we also might be people who simply overwhelm others with kindness. That we would go out of our way, that we would sacrifice, that we would live selflessly… because we believe that other people matter more than ourselves.

Wouldn’t that be beautiful?
I think so, too.

I’m thankful for overwhelming kindness.
It’s life-changing.

It’s been about a year.

I remember pretty vividly the moment I realized I needed to start this blog. At the time I felt quite inundated with girls asking for advice on various topics: boys, God, future, boys, God, future… In some form or fashion it probably always related back to their spiritual formation, and whether or not it had to do with school, jobs, money, boys, their past, sex, or straight up Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit, I felt under qualified to be giving any sort of advice. I mean, what do I know?

So, why not start a blog where I tell people what I think about things…?
Makes perfect sense, right?

I guess the moment struck me when I was talking with a girl face-to-face and she confided in me a story that she was ashamed to share with others. I found myself sharing part of my own story with her. ‘Don’t worry, friend… you’re not that crazy… listen to what I’ve done, and listen to the hope that I’ve found.’ I remember seeing relief in her eyes, an assurance that someone out there felt the same way as her, had even lived through it, and that there was light at the end of the tunnel. It wasn’t that I had all the answers, but that I was willing to admit that I, too, didn’t have it all together.

I wanted this to be a blog of honesty, of rawness, of struggling through life together as we admit how disheveled our own lives can be and the hope we have found in spite of that. There seemed to be safety in the anonymity of an online forum, as I’ve encouraged people to write in and share their own stories with every post. There was probably the hope of developing some sort of ‘Dear Debbie’ column (that has a nice ring to it, eh?) where people could write in and I could share my own thoughts and stories on whatever the subject at hand was.

The blog hasn’t exactly been what I envisioned it being initially, but I think that’s okay. There’s been a lot of internal stretching each time I sit down to write, filtering through the next topic I’ll bare my soul to the world wide web about. I’ve been encouraged and supported by many and, oftentimes, an unlikely person will admit their gratitude for the blog. It’s been a fun journey…despite how hard and uncomfortable it’s made me at times.

I suppose this post is just a thank you.
Thanks for encouraging me well and for sharing your life and heart with me as you journey and sift through hard things.

There may be some changes in the near future, and some hopes to launch even bigger things as I long to reach an even wider community. Hopefully you’ll also be willing to support me in that endeavor. Your feedback as I continue with this online dialogue is crucial, so please don’t to hesitate to let me know ways that I can better benefit you and serve you.

I think each time I post, there’s always a prayer that just one person takes something good from it, that just one person finds a bit of hope, that just one person sees Jesus more clearly… and even if it’s just one person, I pray that the Lord is ultimately glorified.

One year down.
Let’s keep growing together, learning together, fighting together.
It’s gonna be worth it all.

I once told my oldest brother that I wanted a man that’s a man. You know, big and man-like. Coarse hands, broad shoulders, deep voice, hair on the chest (I’m not really into that whole chest-shaving thing).

He looked at me and simply said, ‘That’s not what makes someone a man.’

Shoot. It’s not?
I mean, I know it’s not… but do I really? The truth of my brother’s statement pierced through the lies I have allowed myself to believe for decades (I think I’m old enough to say that now…).

It actually made me start thinking about all the seminars, talks, conferences, break-out sessions that we go to on being godly men and women. Only…we go to the ones that teach us how to be godly within our own genders. I can’t think of a time where I’ve gone to, or was given a chance to go to, something on learning what it means to identify a godly man, allow him to truly pursue you, and really dwell on the things that actually matter in a romantic relationship.

I think it doesn’t typically happen for a few reasons. One, we’re probably too scared that it’ll cause people to ‘lose their focus’. Completely devoting something like that to the opposite gender in a way that’s talking about the good stuff seems pretty sketch. It makes it seem like we’re encouraging dating and romance when really we’d rather young people stay away from it as long as possible so they don’t accidentally lose their virginity. We also probably assume lots of it is obvious. Don’t date jerks. Everyone knows that, right? Why do we need to tell people that? I don’t know… but it seems to happen too much of the time, so maybe we’re missing something.

Here’s all I’m getting at…
At some point along the way I started believing that the man of my dreams would be a certain way. We can blame society, or my role models, or the books I’ve read, or the movies that I’ve watched, or the advertisements that I see… but, regardless of where it came from, I don’t think when I was younger that there was ever anyone telling me that I should maybe keep my heart open to men wrapped in a very different package from my expectations.

What is a godly man?
And beyond that, how do I be attracted to that when it can look so different from my knight and shining armor?

When a man loves the Lord passionately, seeks Him with His whole heart, is kind, generous, selfless… a man of good character… can that be enough? Can my heart be opened to, regardless of whatever is on the outside, allowing this to be ‘man’ enough for me?

I guess I’m just admitting my superficiality. That my understanding of what it means to be a ‘man’ has more to do with earthly things than eternal things…and that needs to change. I feel like I need to retrace my steps through life and erase the moments when I thought that being a man required athleticism, intelligence, muscles, good-looks, height… and whatever else my mind has firmly established as ‘manly’.

It kind of feels like something that only Jesus can do, though. And I pray that He does. I want to fully appreciate men who are wholeheartedly devoted to Christ without mentally emasculating them in the process. To fully see that kind of man as someone who is truly a ‘man’, regardless of their appearance or their fleshly skills.

To let what matters matter…and to let what doesn’t fade away.

Ladies, I hope you’ll join me in this prayerful endeavor to truly honor the men in our lives who are on this treacherous path of attempting to (much like us) fight what the world is saying what kind of men they should be versus what the Lord is calling them to. May we be women who seek to love them for who they are, not what they can do or how they look. May we be women who can set aside expectations and standards for what we thought we always wanted, and be women who can be open to something different and, most assuredly, better.

Men, I’m sorry for the ways we’ve so often let you down in this, for the ways that we’ve discouraged your walk with Jesus and undermined it’s importance because we’ve been too consumed with caring about things that simply don’t matter. I pray that you’ll find the freedom to live abundantly in Him, trusting that there are women who will see and love the beauty that flows from a heart that is truly devoted to Christ.

I’m so very thankful for you, men.
Thank you for continuing to follow, even when it’s hard. Thank you for striving to live lives with your eyes set on heavenly things and not earthly things.

I still have much to learn, and much to grow in.
And so the fight resumes…
Join me.

I wonder when I’ll stop feeling like I’m a guest in someone else’s home.

Sometimes I’ll find myself chanting things aloud: This is my house, this is my house, this is my house… this is my town, this is my town, this is my town…

This is my life…

I’m here.
I’m doing it. ‘It’ being something different and weird and unknown. It’s just happening. I think that if my life was confined to existing in my house and getting around town (and spending money), I’d be okay. The hard part comes in finding community, looking for a job (so I can spend money), attending classes which require a whole lot of reading and self-discipline… essentially creating a new life for myself. Everything so far has seemed pretty emotionally effortless. Diving in deeper is what scares me.

I think this going to be especially hard in relationships. At this point in my life I sort of feel like I have enough good friends. I don’t need anymore. I want to extend effort in maintaining the friendships that I already have…not exert energy in trying to make new ones. It’s exhausting to think about the repetitive conversations that I’ll have over and over again as I get to know new people. Some part of me just wants to know the people I already know, to find comfort in the fact that I don’t have to give background for why I am the way that I am, to be in silence with others and not have it be awkward.

I know…
I know It’s not feasible and it’s not actually what I want. It just feels easier to be an elusive hermit who goes to class, goes to work, goes to church….and then hides out the rest of the time.

But, in reality there’s a part of me that’s excited about new friendships and investing in new people and vice versa. It’s just hard to think about reaching the same level of friendship that I already have with others… and I think I want to expedite the process. I want to immediately have friends. Good friends.

I recognized just tonight that I can’t expect these things to happen on their own, either. I have to be willing to put forth effort. I think when we are the ‘new person’ we have this expectation that others should come to us, others should reach out to us, others should include us…but a lot of times we’re unwilling to make the same effort ourselves.

I was talking to a girl who is in the same program as me and was thinking, ‘It’d be really nice to talk to her more about all of this stuff and maybe get to know her more. I hope she’d be willing to hang out with me.’ And in that, I realized I had this expectation that she should be making this effort to help me out in my transition to school. Upon such a realization, I decided that was ridiculous and that she probably had a lot going on, and so I began to ask her how busy her life was in the next few weeks which immediately took us to a mutual agreement that we should hang out. Just like that! Give and take.

Perhaps she’s cool enough that she would have initiated hanging out with the new girl on her own, but I think it’s always helpful when both parties are willing to make an effort.

It’s something to consider if you’re ever the new person. Whether that’s in a class, or at church, or at a job, or in a family, or wherever. To be willing to put yourself out there, to initiate connection beyond casual get-togethers, to truly be interested in other people’s lives without expecting them to take you in and take care of your needs. I think it’s good. And I think I’m going to have to do a whole lot more of it, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel sometimes. I honestly think it will be an important way to develop true, meaningful friendships.

And, shoot, if you see a new kid around…don’t hesitate to eat lunch with them, invite them to join you for something, take time to make them feel like they matter…

It’s easy to feel lost and alone when you’re the new girl, but it doesn’t have to be where you remain.

Choose to engage.
Always.

(You might want to read the previous post before reading this one…) 

There have been a lot of thoughts rumbling around in my head lately without a lot of time to write any of them down. Between final moments with friends and family, 22 hour road trips and trying to move in and feel like a strange town is actually my new town…’down time’ seems to escape me. Maybe that’s okay for now.

But…I’ve been thinking about betrayal some lately.

Betrayal.
It’s a horrifying word. And, a rather weird word (if you look at it too long). In its simplest definition it means to be disloyal. It’s one of those words that I don’t think you fully understand until you actually experience it.

I was in that boat a majority of my life. I could give textbook thoughts on betrayal, and I might even be able to empathize with you if you had experienced some sort of betrayal, and some might say that I was even a betrayer at various points (although I certainly hope that’s not true)…but I hadn’t ever really been betrayed. At least not in the way that shatters your heart, or in the way that makes you want to vomit, or in the way that makes you feel like someone is punching you in the gut…over and over and over again.

In the last few years, my sheltered existence finally caved and opened me up to the harsh reality of betrayal. It’s maybe one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced emotionally before. Someone else’s actions cause your entire being to recoil in horror, disbelief, anger, and hatred. Darkness is consuming and before you know it, this emotion is having a physical affect on you. Your hands are shaking, your voice doesn’t sound like your voice….sometimes it’s hard for you to speak because your level of nauseousness makes you feel uncertain that you can keep it all down. Everything hurts. Any trace of joy has been sucked out of you.

Betrayal.
How do you ever recover from it?
How do you ever move on?
Can you ever possibly forgive?

I’ve had to make some tough choices in the face of betrayal and while my flesh sought vengeance for the wounds I fear I’ll never truly heal from, there wasn’t a chance that I could follow through with it. I remember specifically being in the midst of one of the most heart-wrenching betrayals and hearing Matt Maher’s song Christ Has Risen pound through my head: ‘Freely You’ve bled for us…’

Us.
His blood has been shed for me and those who have betrayed me. I am not better than them. I am just as in need of Jesus. Who am I to withhold forgiveness when I serve a God who so willingly gives it even though we reject Him, abandon Him, run from Him…and betray Him…? 

Forgive?
But how I can I? And what does that possibly mean? What does that look like?
I think it’s different in different situations, but I think it’s absolutely necessary.

I’ll leave it here for now… I suppose you could consider this ‘Part I’ of a blog on betrayal and forgiveness. But… if you’ve been betrayed (whether recently or long ago) and you’re battling through forgiveness and what that needs to look like, let’s talk.

It’s hard.
It hurts.
It’s unfair.

But there’s hope.
Stay tuned.

As the final countdown began and the ball dropped, my friend brought up the calamity in her heart to all of us.