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Remember when I Just Did It?
Remember when I walked through the fears and the second-guessing and invited you to journey with me in that?
Remember when I left my job and I didn’t know what the heck I was going to do?
Remember when I went to Africa?
Remember when I moved to New England and started graduate school after 6+ years of avoiding higher education?
Remember how it was terrifying every step of the way?

But guess what?
I don’t think this transition could have been any easier for me.

The word I keep coming back to is: blessed.
I feel blessed. In all things surrounding the last several months of my life…since making the decision to leave something I knew well and step into the unknown, in settling into a new life full of new opportunities and new people.

Blessed.

It’s been this incredible time of experiencing the Lord’s provision in my life…in all aspects. Things seem to be falling into my lap, and I can’t help but be completely grateful that I am where I am for such a time as this. What’s been especially beautiful to experience is the way that I now see how the Lord has prepared me for the various things and people that I’m encountering. There’s much to learn still, and I eagerly anticipate what this season of preparation will entail and the new things I will grow in as I’ve already been enlightened by so much in just a few weeks.

I’ve been a little overwhelmed by the people who have told me how this is inspiring to them, or how they admire me for being willing to start all over and embrace change…. but, on some level, it feels ridiculous and laughable. I haven’t done anything great or mind-blowing… and I certainly haven’t done any of this on my own.

I guess I want to continue to encourage you to move toward better.
I want to encourage you to get ‘un-stuck’.
I know, in some ways, that’s what camp was for me. It was a place that I could have stayed forever, it was a place that was hard for me to imagine ever leaving. In some ways, I felt ‘stuck’ and I wanted to stay ‘stuck’. I liked my life there and it was hard to imagine that anything else could be better.

But I didn’t know.
And I think a lot of times we like to stay ‘stuck’. That may mean ‘stuck’ in an actual place, like camp was for me….but it could also mean a job, a house, a city, a mindset, a life-style, a relationship. We all have things that we get ‘stuck’ in. Things that we, oftentimes, like to stay ‘stuck’ in…because it’s what we know, it’s what seems easier… we can’t imagine anything else being better.

Things can always be better, though (especially when we know we are being called to somewhere/something different and we’re just trying to avoid it…).
Being willing to get un-stuck and move toward that better is part of the key.
I’ve done no great thing.
But, I got un-stuck. I moved into the unknown and I’ve experienced the provision that’s accompanied the journey… and I’m blessed. I can’t imagine it going any better, honestly.

And I want that for you.
I want you to be willing to step away from the things/places you feel ‘stuck’ in and to experience an even greater joy as you trust God with your finances, your comforts, your relationships, your job, your life. I want you to be willing to step further into the things that you are called to do because you’re trusting unswervingly in the God who saves, heals, protects, redeems, provides and continues to be faithful when we are, oftentimes, faithless.

Many of you have expressed a desire to just go and do something different, but feel crippled by not knowing where to even begin. Look at the things you feel ‘stuck’ in…and then consider what it would take to get ‘un-stuck’. Look at the things you are passionate about, gifted in, skilled at….and see how you can use those things to bring God more glory.

I think you’ll be surprised when you’re willing to step out.
I think you’ll experience a greater understanding of who Christ is as you learn to trust Him in new ways.
I think you’ll be blessed beyond what you ever thought possible, in ways that you weren’t even expecting or hoping for.

Get un-stuck.
It’s the best.

As much as I pride myself on being honest, I’m actually quite terrible at it.

I get a lot of comments about how thankful people are for my honesty through this forum, but, if I’m being honest… I don’t always feel so honest. I only tell you what I feel comfortable telling you, and the rest is left for me and a few close friends (and, the Lord, obviously…). I think that’s probably good though.

Because, as much as I’d like to be straight up honest all the time, there are certain instances where it gets pretty tricky. Like…

• Telling someone you like them.
• Telling someone you don’t like them. 
• Telling someone how you’ve done something that hurts them/might ruin your relationship with them.
• Telling someone how you’ve ruined something important of theirs.
• Telling someone about your sin/junk in your life.
• Telling someone about how they’ve hurt you/others.

Some of the greatest heartaches can happen when you’re not even in a relationship. 

He said: The love of God is not His pining for your happiness…it’s His resolving the sin problem.

There’s been some debate among people recently on how successful long-distance relationships can be.

Some tend to argue that they are doomed to fail and there’s no point of entering into them. Others are quite optimistic…granted, these are usually the people that are currently in them. I’m hardly one to make blanket statements about topics that clearly have evidence of success in them, but I would have to agree that the long-distance relationship presents some unique challenges. It doesn’t mean they’re impossible, though. I just think there are things to be wary of upon entering into said relationship.

Here’s my list of things to consider/be cautious of when you find yourself either entertaining the idea of jumping into this relationship or already in the midst of one:

• Idealization: Because you’re not really spending as much time with the person as you might be if you lived in the same place, it’s easy to place a lot of things upon them and it’s easy to forget a lot of things about them. For example…he may be really messy, but because you never have to see his house or his room, you forget this tiny detail that actually drives you crazy. In your head you’ve decided that he’s probably cleaner than you think and you must have imagined the messiness….and since you’re not really around the messiness much, you truly believe this. Or, maybe he has certain habits that annoy you, but over video chat you can’t really tell that he’s a slob while he eats. And yes, both these examples are superficial and things that don’t really matter, but they are little things that can easily worm their way into many an argument. It isn’t always superficial, though. Sometimes the way they talk about things isn’t a true representation of how they actually are…and so while you’re only getting to hear them talk, you aren’t getting to really see or experience the way they are truly living….which leads us to my next point. 

• Other Relationships: I think it’s pretty crucial to see how your significant other interacts with other people on a normal basis. When you’re only in town for a weekend and meeting his family and friends for a hot second, you miss out a lot on normal daily interactions…which are actually quite telling of someone’s character. You learn a lot about how he thinks of others through the way that he treats others, whether they are strangers in a restaurant or some of his best friends. Getting to witness this is important…and so even if you’re in a long distance relationship, it can be tempting to only spend time with each other when you finally get to be with each other! Do try and make it a priority to spend time with each other’s friends and families as much as possible. 

• Physical Boundaries: In those limited moments together, it’s easy to want to spend as much time together being physically intimate. Unfortunately, this can get out of hand a little too quickly…especially the more your rationalize and justify. Can’t you just hear yourself saying, ‘But I won’t get to kiss him for another month, so I better get as much kissing in while I can…’? And while kissing isn’t inherently bad, if you spend your entire weekend together only kissing… I’ll probably argue that it is bad and certainly not conducive to establishing any real intimacy between the two of you. Long distance typically leads us to making exceptions for things where we normally might not, and it’s easy to convince ourselves to be spontaneous and seize the moments while we can. It doesn’t mean you should, though. If you’re in a long distance relationship, I hope that you’ve developed some good boundaries for yourselves and that you’re finding ways to adhere to them. Well, let’s be honest…this applies to all relationships. 

• Sacrifices: All relationships require sacrifice. Long distance just seems to require more. Being glued to the phone, or the computer screen, for hours at a time, giving up more sleep than you might normally because it’s the only time in the day you two can connect, spending money to see each other (whether that’s on gas or flights). It costs you something. If you want to make a long distance relationship work, you have to be willing to sacrifice more than you might in a closer-to-home-relationship. The good news is that it doesn’t always feel like sacrifice…but the bad news is that it sometimes does. As with any relationship, there needs to be compromise and a willingness to consider the other person above yourself. Be willing to look at things from their perspective and understand, that with the distance, that communication may be harder and you may read into things more than you should…and so open, honest conversations are absolutely vital. 

• Communication: One advantage I’ve found in long-distance relationships is how communication can flourish. Instead of watching tv together every night, you’re more apt to talk about your lives and get a greater understanding of who the other person is/wants to be. You get to dive deeper into the heart and take time to really hear about each other’s days. You get to become each other’s best friends….you even get to learn to enjoy the silence beyond the awkwardness of it. But… this can also fade. Conversations can be scaled to sweet nothings and soft mutters and intentionality can be lost. Seek to maintain depth in your conversations, to truly care about the other person on the end of the line and how they are really doing. Look for ways to challenge them, inspire them, encourage them, listen to them…remember the things that they say, remember the things that they are doing in their lives and ask them about it. This will be one of the primary ways you care for your significant other and it can be such a beautiful thing! 

Take heart, friends. If you’re currently in a long-distance relationship… you aren’t doomed. There’s hope for you (even if it sucks sometimes…). Just proceed with caution!

When you’ve lived at a camp in the middle of nowhere for 6+ years, 70 miles from the nearest Wal-Mart, without cell phone service… adjusting to the ‘real world’ can be quite the process. Shoot, even if you’ve lived in a camp setting for an intense summer of ministry, adjusting back to the ‘real world’ can also be quite the ordeal.

Here are just a few things I’ve noticed/forgotten:

• I can actually run into a grocery store to get a few items without having to plan for my entire week of groceries…and it can actually take just five minutes. Who knew? 
• Traffic happens. Every day. 
• People can see in your windows at night and so it’s necessary to shut your blinds. 
• Friendships/relationships take time to develop. 

The comment:

So, my husband and at one time boyfriend has had a pretty hard past struggling with women sexually/emotionally. He describes his past with them as a “struggle”. When we were dating I idealized who this man was… Sure he might have “struggled” with women, but he LOVES The Lord and seeing him today there is no way he could still struggle with them- and especially not with me, bc what we have is true love. These were my thoughts… My “truths” about him. Through dating and breaking up and dating and breaking up and dating and eventually getting married HIS PAST is what we struggled with. And in between each “break up” he struggled STILL with women. And after each break up it felt like hell trying to recover what trust had been lost while we were broken up. I have never dated anyone but him. And he has slept with/messed around with X amount of women. This past, these women… I have sought out to forgive and hopefully forget. The hardest part is being married to this wonderful man but invisoning this innocent man in my eyes committing these acts with these women… Making him the farthest thing from innocent. I know I have forgiven his past. But I can’t stop having these envisions creep in whether it be while reading a book/ dreaming.. I know the devil is using these thoughts to build a barrier between us. I guess what I want to ask is what your thoughts are on forgiving a past so different from your own and is it possible to truly forgive but still remember the pain this has caused? And if so is that ok? Is it ok to bring it up with him even though it could strike up old memories and hurt? I have used his past against him previously, but since we have been married I have steared clear from it even talking about it… But it drives me crazy at times not knowing ALL of him. I hope this makes some sense..

Thanks for sharing.
This is hard. Really hard. My own experiences open me up to a small portion of what you might be going through, and while I wish there was some easy solution to the visions and the thoughts vanishing completely from your mind… I’m not sure there is one. Unfortunately, I believe this may be something that you’ll have to battle a lot. I don’t think it means you haven’t forgiven, though…

Here are my initial thoughts:
When I look at love in 1 Corinthians 13, there’s that really great clause that we like to overlook that basically tells us that love keeps no record of wrongs. That love isn’t resentful. Love isn’t holding something over someone’s head…and this can be done whether we are talking to them about it or not. I feel like I’ve had relationships absolutely fail because I could never really get over the ‘wrongs’ that had been done. While I might not be mentioning them all the time, I was still living and acting in accordance to the wrongs done… which essentially meant that I wasn’t fully trusting, and I wasn’t giving him the chance to truly be different and live in the fullness of grace.

I think there’s probably a lot that you need to process through on your own, but I’m not sure if they need to include him. I think, especially considering the dreams and visions that seem to come at random times, that it would be wise for you to seek professional help. That there’s something valuable to having someone to sit, listen and take an unbiased stance in your life as you sort through the hurts that you’ve experienced (and still are experiencing) because of your husband’s sin.

At some point they may advise you to bring your husband into these conversations, but, at least initially, it seems like it may be more harmful than good for the two of you have to have them. Maybe an initial conversation where you let him know that you need healing and you’re going to seek out help as long as he’s okay with it…and hopefully he will be more than happy for you to get help from an outside place. Be fully honest with him, but not in a way that casts blame on him…not in a way that makes him feel guilty for his past (especially if he is walking in freedom from that now).

I don’t think you don’t need to know all of his junk, all of the specifics of his past… and it’s probably better for you to not know all of it. Let him invite you into those areas of his life as he is ready and willing, and as he sees necessary. I think a lot of times we are just driven by fear of the unknown and so we want to know everything…but sometimes it’s better for us to live in the unknown. Sometimes I think we think it’s better to know all the details…but depending on the details, the harsher realities of what actually happened can be more detrimental than the possibilities of what happened. Knowing the fullness of what happened doesn’t always help us sleep better at night…

Bottom line: talk to your husband about getting professional help from a counselor. I think this will be the initial step to take in moving toward full healing for yourself. Sometimes it’s easy to believe that since it’s not ‘your’ sin that it doesn’t affect you… but it does. It has to. You’ve been made one. His sin affects yours as yours does him. There can be healing for you, in a way that will allow your relationship to flourish (hopefully in ways you never before dreamed!). The more you hang on, the more you allow these visions and dreams to be all-consuming in your mind, the more likely it is that you will explode one day without him ever even knowing what hit him.

Be willing to take the hard steps toward healing. I think you’ll find them to be worth it in the end. Pray about how to approach your husband gently in this, as well. Make sure you choose your words wisely, in a way that ensures him of your love, of your concern, of your desire to look at him as only the man he has become/is becoming without letting the past cloud your vision of him.

He has been redeemed!
It’s the beauty of the Gospel that we not only get to embrace for ourselves but for those we love.

I’ve been reminded recently that girls are pretty crazy when it comes to love and romance.
Don’t believe me??

Even Sebastian knows what’s going on (while he simultaneously has no idea…).
I mean, we’ve all done it. And when the flowers weren’t accessible we would play the soda pop tab game. You know, the one where you push the tab back and forth to the letters of the alphabet just hoping that it’ll pop off on the letter of your crush’s name. I remember trying to manipulate the tab to come off at just the right time, as if, somehow, the tab held the secret powers of making my crush suddenly be interested in me. I think it worked…. never?

The funny thing about this is that while our insecurities take us back and forth emotionally before a relationship even begins… our over-analytical minds also tend to take us back and forth once we are finally in the relationship. The female mind seems to flourish in the world of being completely Unsettled.

It’s awful.
You feel crazy. In one moment you’re convinced he likes you, the next moment you’re convinced he doesn’t. In one moment you’re convinced you love him, and the next you’re wondering what in the world you saw in him in the first place. Something he does is infuriating and absolutely wrong and the next second you’re melting because of his smile or his eyes, or the way that he did something kind for you without you asking.

We’re hard to please.
And yet we demand that we be pleased, in our own way… the way that meets all of our expectations.

The reassuring thing, ladies, is that you’re not alone in this.
The not so reassuring thing is that it’s almost always irrational and ridiculous and we very easily are creatures driven by emotion, which often leads to us making poor decisions.

I can’t tell you the number of times, while crushing on someone when I wasn’t sure how they felt about me, that I became crazy and ended up doing or saying something I immediately regretted. I can’t tell you the number of times, while dating someone, that I wanted to break up with them for the most insignificant thing and then ten seconds later found myself so thankful that I was with them. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve just felt plain crazy when it came to men.

Here are my thoughts though: pause…before you do anything or say anything at all.
Take it to the Lord. Be willing to consider if you are manipulating, controlling, being selfish, or simply not trusting the Lord with this area of your life. Be willing to take a moment to process whether or not this thing you are so worked up over matters (especially those of you in relationships who find yourselves becoming nagging, constantly annoyed women)… and be ready to hold your tongue.

I hate feeling crazy.
But, I must admit that sometimes I am.
I think the more I can acknowledge that sometimes I truly am a little crazy, the more I can recognize tendencies within myself to actually do the crazy things… and then stop them before they happen. I think ultimately my prayer has to be that the Lord would quiet my anxious heart, that He would teach me how to trust Him, that He would teach me how to be a woman who acts in sound, rational ways instead of flighty, irrational, emotional ones.

This always requires the pause.
Pause before doing.
Pause before saying.

Sometimes it’s even good to have a sounding board in trusted friendships/mentors that can remind you of your tendencies while you’re in the middle of a ‘crazy’ episode. Sometimes it’s good to even touch base with them before you end up doing something irrational or emotional and allow them to be your sounding board before you go spill your guts to your current romantic interest.

Be slow to speak, ladies.
I think we’ll all find ourselves a bit better off if we learn to live with more of a pause in our lives…if we learn how to truly take things to the Lord before letting our irrational, crazy sides consume us.

Or..
maybe that’s just me.

I had a conversation recently with a new friend about how easy it is to rationalize relationships.

As we shared past relationship stories, it was evident (in retrospect, of course) that we had convinced ourselves to remain in unhealthy or stagnant relationships for far too long. As I told random stories about things that had happened or things that I had done, there was always a feeling of embarrassment that lingered and the desire to hit myself in the head, ‘What was I thinking?!‘ Who stays in a relationship when this happens, or that happens?

We can talk all day long about the things we could have done differently, or the regrets that we have… but, it doesn’t really change what was. I think some of the best things we can do is learn from our mistakes in the past and be aware of the tendencies that we have to make similar ones in the future. Honestly, as much as I’ve done stupid things and not always been in the best relationships, I don’t regret them. I think there was much growth as I discovered tons about myself, myself in relationships and the Lord in regard to relationships.

But…
that doesn’t mean I want to do it all over again.

So- if you’re in the middle of a dating relationship and you’re wondering if and when it’s time to pull out, I’d encourage you to really check yourself to see if you’re rationalizing the relationship. This may actually require a third party (ideally someone whom you trust and respect and who will be honest with you…and not too biased).

Be aware of your tendencies to do the following:

• Be the hero. Often times we develop a hero complex and we want to ‘save’ those we are in a relationship with. This causes us to think that if we ever end the relationship, the other person will immediately start going down the ‘wrong’ path. It’s in this moment that you must recognize that you are not the savior, you can’t fix them, it’s not your responsibility. If they’re only on the ‘right’ path because of you, that’s something to be aware of and it may behoove both of you to end the relationship (despite how it feels). 
• People-Pleaser. Sometimes it just sucks to hurt people’s feelings… especially if they haven’t done anything wrong and they’ve actually been a really great person to be in a relationship with. This doesn’t mean you should stay in the relationship, especially if you’re not feeling it and if you’re completely checked out. This is hard because you don’t feel like you have any real reason to not want to be with them and so you try to convince yourself of the million reasons why you should stay. I’ve kind of decided that if I have to convince myself to want to date someone, I shouldn’t be dating them. 
• Be the victim. It’s easy to think that we don’t deserve anything, and so we allow ourselves to exist in relationships where we are treated like crap. It’s okay though, because at least someone wants to be with us, right? Wrong. If you’re in a relationship that is harmful for you (physically, verbally, emotionally, etc.) you need to get out. This isn’t your last shot with someone, and the sooner you get out, the better. I firmly believe that the Lord longs for good in this area of our lives…someone who will cherish you, honor you, love you, and gently remind you of Him in all ways (even in the ways that you feel foolish admitting that you need). 

The comment:

What do you do when you have been hurt by someone, say you have told God in your heart that you forgive this person and have said the same to the person. I thought I had forgiven, but then thought it was important to pray for the person as God asks us to pray for those who have wronged us. The problem is that as much as I want to pray for this person as its the right Christian thing to do, I can’t very easily bring myself to do it. Mainly for the simple fact that this is the person who hurt me and a part of me doesn’t want to see anything wonderful happen to this person while I’m still sulking in my pain. I feel bad because part of me feels like I won’t be able to say I’ve fully forgiven until I can honestly wish and pray great things for this person. Am I the only one who struggles with this? I still care but am still very much hurting.

I hear you.
I’ve been here. Sometimes I still feel like I’m here. Hurt and wanting justice for the wrongs done to me. And, even if I’m not wanting bad stuff to happen to those who have hurt me, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I want good for them. In these moments I feel like I haven’t really forgiven them at all…

I kind of think it’s bogus though. As much as I’d love for us to forgive once and have that be the end of the story, I think it’s going to be something that we have to fight for. Sometimes the fight is daily, depending on the crime. Just because we don’t always feel like we want lollipops and sunshine for those who have hurt us, it doesn’t mean that we haven’t forgiven them.

I’m not convinced forgiveness is a feeling, despite what the dictionary says.  In fact, I think this is something the enemy can jack with us about. We get all emotional and feel okay with someone in a moment and so we think we’ve truly forgiven them. A few days (or seconds or hours) later we are reminded of something and suddenly we’re ticked again… there goes the forgiveness we thought we had granted. We begin to beat ourselves up over the fact that we haven’t forgiven them at all and then we exist in guilt and shame for our inability to forgive like Christ forgives us.

I kind of think that a large part of why we are asked to pray for those who have hurt us or wronged us is for transformation to happen in our own heart. That when we are willing to sit down and spend time surrendering this bitterness in our hearts, light begins to infiltrate the darkness within us. That when we take time to consider the state of where the other person is or where they have come from, understanding begins to unfold. And while we still may be extremely hurt by their actions, we may be able to empathize with them when we remember that they are human, too. That, like us, they are sinners. We remember that the same grace that has been extended to us has also been given to them.

I guess all I’m trying to say is that most of the time we’re probably not going to have these awesome feelings about the people who have hurt us. This is where, regardless of how we feel, we have to be people who walk in obedience. Forgiving. Praying for your ‘enemies’. And, in these moments, I truly think transformation happens. Because when we are willing to pray for them, we’re essentially inviting the Lord to move in this broken part of our hearts. Restoration is easier to come by when we are open to allowing it to happen.

Regardless of how you feel toward the people that have hurt you, I think it’s vital to make it a point to pray for them. And don’t be afraid to be honest when you pray. I think the Lord can handle it. I imagine some of my prayers have been pretty brutal: ‘Father, I don’t even care about this person right now and I don’t want good for them… but you’ve asked me to pray for them and so I will. I don’t even know what to pray for…‘ and eventually, the words come and true meaning comes from them. I find myself praying that they would know Him, truly know Him. That they would be walking faithfully in that. It’s not even that I’m praying that they would get everything their heart desires…but I’m praying that they, too, would have a heart that longs to know Jesus and be obedient to Him, that they would truly learn to live a life of surrender. In the end, it’s not too different from prayers I pray for myself. And you just do it. Even when you don’t want it. Even when you aren’t feeling all chummy toward them. Don’t allow yourself to get lost in the emotions of what you think forgiveness should feel like. Just do it.

Because, at the end of the day, they matter.
Whatever wrongs they’ve committed against you, they aren’t big enough for you condemn their soul to hell when you, yourself, are also a sinner, a thief, a betrayer, an abandoner, an adulterer, a idolator, a pharisee, a liar…

Forgive as you have been forgiven.
There’s no other alternative.
And then, as you forgive… rejoice!…for you are truly exemplifying the Gospel, and that is the most beautiful, the most important thing.