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I went on a sweet hike with my friend, Eduardo, today. Okay, his name isn’t actually Eduardo… but it’ll do for now. His name isn’t really the point of the blog.

Anyway…
The hike was great. Challenging…lots of uphills with some good spots for bouldering our way to the top. At one point he was off in man-land (you know, where he gets distracted with different routes and cooler paths to take, barely aware of my existence) while I was sticking strictly to the trail marked by white arrows.

I stood, close to the top of the peak, watching him at a distance shimmy up cracks and rocks debating on whether or not I should be annoyed that he had just ditched me without uttering a word. I decided I didn’t care at all and kept going along my merry way.

That’s when it hit me: If we were dating, I would probably be so frustrated.

Frustrated, or get my feelings hurt that he (a) hadn’t told me he was going a different route, or (b) that he even wanted to take a way that didn’t include me. Because, when you’re dating… there’s all these crazy expectations that form and suddenly a fun hike has potential to turn into a disaster of misunderstandings and arguments often backed by selfishness.

The more I pondered it, the more I realized how ridiculous it was. Ridiculous that I could go hang out with my friend Eduardo and not care if he ditched me for a few minutes to take his own adventure and not care if he said stupid things or burped or poked fun at me occasionally…but if we had been dating, the entire day might have gone differently because of how upset I may have been.

So I don’t know if this is just a ‘me’ thing, or if this is actually a ‘girl’ thing… but I think I’ve talked to enough girls to know that most of the time when I encounter a ‘me’ thing, there’s usually at least a handful of other girls who also deal with the same type of stuff. When I start dating someone, something changes in the relationship to cause expectations to rise. When I start dating someone, I’m suddenly c.r.a.z.y. about things I would have normally not cared about.

I don’t want to be that girl.
I imagine that none of us want to be that girl.
So how do we not be that girl?
How do we remain the cool girl that can remain independent, carefree, able to laugh at dumb jokes, not care about burping, and poke fun back without letting it attack the security of the relationship?
How do we not let expectations ruin us and our relationships as we find ourselves transforming into wretched women we barely recognize who are controlling, worried, and insecure?
How do we be women who are supportive of our men’s adventurous sides, their goofy personalities, their humanness (which are probably actually things that attracted us to them in the beginning…)?

I don’t know.
Honestly, I don’t.
But, I think there’s something to being aware of it…to being aware of your tendencies to hold your significant other to an impossibly high standard that he’ll never measure up to. It may also be wise for you to have other women in your life who can help you maintain a healthy perspective of your relationship.

Because you should be able to really enjoy those types of things with your man. You should be able to enjoy an intense hike, allow him to wander off and do his own thing for a bit without it ever affecting you or making you feel insecure about your relationship or that he’s not doing something he’s ‘supposed’ to do. He should be able to go crazy in the wild!

We have to drop our expectations, especially when it comes to ridiculous things like this.

I was telling Eduardo about my realization in the car on the way back and as we talked about it, he said, ‘You’re onto something. You should really remember this for when you’re in a relationship again.’

And he’s right.
I should.
I need to.
I must.

Because I want to be able to take fun hikes, and do crazy things, and let my man be exactly who he is without me getting in the way. Without silly, unrealistic expectations….without my own fears and insecurities and selfishness interfering. I want to be able to encourage him to go off and do the very same things he would do if I wasn’t there. I don’t want him being with me to change that. I want to be confident in who we are and how he feels about me.

So for all you ladies who are currently in relationships and struggling with this… I’d really encourage and challenge you to have fun again. To try and erase the expectations that set both of you up to fail. To erase the unrealistic standards that you have for him. This is where it may help for you to talk through these things with someone else. And, before you bring up frustrations or hurt feelings with him, filter through it all and see what is valid and what is not. Are you stifling who he is by demanding that he do everything a certain way (your way, most likely)? Are you allowing him the freedom to be a man who loves adventure and taking risks and burping and being goofy (or whatever other things that make him who he is, whatever other things he is passionate about and good at)?

Sometimes the fun gets sucked out of relationships because we are so intent on making our relationships look a certain way instead of letting them just be what they are: two imperfect people joining forces as they learn how to love each other in the midst of their own junk. It’s hard. But it doesn’t need to be miserable. And every relationship is going to look different–you can’t compare!

Let him be himself…
And find yourself as you explore your own trails and take your own adventures without him constantly by your side (and without fuming about the fact that he’s not by your side).

Be friends. Friends who don’t have to care about all those little things and can just truly enjoy a day out in creation together.

(And yes, you can remind me of all of this if I’m ever in a relationship again…because, I’m sure I’ll need it).

The comment (in response to ‘Guys Can’t Read Minds…?‘): 

What about when the woman puts herself out there and then is…left hanging? 

Hrmmm, what about that, indeed…? 
You bring up a good question and it’s one I haven’t necessarily broached because of the whole traditional model of men pursuing women that I usually like to adhere to (key word here being usually). While it’s initially never my intent to pursue the man, there are still moments where I’ve ‘put it all out there’ because I can’t take it anymore… 

There are those instances where the friendship line gets blurry and for the sake of my own sanity, I’ve definitely broken the ‘a woman must always wait for a man to express how he feels about her first’ mold. I’ve usually regretted it. But sometimes I just needed to clear the air in order to really, truly move on. 

Because, what I’ve discovered is that when a guy hasn’t said something, it almost always means he’s not interested. Especially in the moments when I’m left hanging…

The moments where you say something that’s (to you) very clearly indicating a, ‘hey, I like you… what do you think?’… and then you get nothing back. 

My question for you is: did you literally say those words? Did you actually straight-up tell the guy that you’re interested in him and get no response? 

I think us ladies like to think we put ourselves out there, but sometimes our ‘putting ourselves’ out there is actually this weird, ambiguous thing that guys don’t always catch onto. Maybe sometimes, if they’re also interested in us, they will…and maybe sometimes, when they aren’t interested, they still do…they just use our ambiguity as an excuse to not have to have the awkward ‘I’m not into you like that’ conversation. But, sometimes they just don’t catch on. 

So… have you really put yourself out there? Have you left no room for doubt his mind that you’re romantically interested in him? Or did you just pay him more attention than you do other guys, or flirt extra flirty, or say something that might possibly insinuate the fact that you have feelings beyond friendship for him…without actually saying that? Or do you use a thousand emoticons every time you text him? Or initiate conversations and hang-outs to the point where he just has to know? If you haven’t straight up told him…you can’t be sure he knows anything at all. 

I don’t typically advise women to ‘put themselves out there’ unless it seems like the best step in moving on/getting over someone/clarifying friendships. I don’t typically advise it because I’m a firm believer that men will usually be proactive about pursuing girls they’re interested in. Ask most men and they’ll tell you this is true.

But- if you’ve put yourself out there (like really, truly done it) and he’s giving you nothing? I’d say the lack of his responding to you is your answer. Let it go. Or, confront him on it and have the awkward conversation if you think that’s what you need to do…if you think that’s the only thing that will give you closure so you can move on.  

If you’ve put yourself out there in the ‘not really put yourself out there’ sort of way and you feel like you’re left hanging? You’re either reading into things too much because he has no idea you’re interested OR he’s not interested and he’s pretending like he hasn’t noticed you ‘putting yourself out there’…  at this point you should just let it go and try not to worry so much about it. Or, if it’s another one of those moments where you just feel like you have to say something and it’s driving you mad, you’re going to have to be a bit more clear in your putting yourself out there. And, try not to read into everything if you haven’t really made yourself clear. He may not be leaving you hanging at all and you’re just driving yourself crazy for no reason in the meantime. 

Regardless of if you’ve really put yourself out there, or just kind of think you have… and you’re left hanging? My response is the same: it sucks, but you have to remember that this doesn’t define you. His lack (or apparent lack) of romantic interest in you doesn’t determine who you are, it doesn’t take away from your value, it doesn’t mean that any great guy that you’re interested in will never like you back. 

Maintain perspective…even when you’re left hanging. Confront it, if you really feel like you must… but in most situations, I feel like the best response is to move on, to let it go, to let it be. To trust that there’s someone else, and that he’s better suited for you than this guy. There’s someone else who won’t leave you hanging. There’s someone else who will put it all out there for you first…. someone else who will never make you wonder. 

So… move on. 

Submit Your Stories/Questions/Struggles Here

Do you have a secret life?

I have a friend who has recently been extremely distraught by the idea of a ‘Secret Life’. Distraught because of the ways the secrets and lies have caused destruction and despair. It led to a moment of, ‘Is there anyone really seeking after a godly life in this world?’ I don’t blame her. If I think about the hidden junk too much, I’m in agony as well.

As she shared some of the horrors she’s encountered lately, I couldn’t really wrap my mind around it. I began to wonder: do I have a secret life? Is there stuff about me that people would be surprised by if they found out?

Maybe. Maybe some people would be surprised if they knew some stuff. But, I don’t really think so. The more we talked, the more I was trying to think if there were things in my life that literally no one else knew about. I feel like some of my worst thoughts, darkest moments of shame, grossest sins… that someone knew about them, even if not one person knew all of them. They had been brought into the light at some point.

In my mind, this is how it would be for everyone… right?
But as I questioned others, I found that I was indeed very wrong. One guy told me that there’s at least 30% of him that no one else knows.

Now, we may have been talking about different things. I don’t tell someone every single thought I have (probably mostly because that feels narcissistic), but I think for the things that matter… there’s nothing hidden. And it’s intriguing (and simultaneously terrifying) to know how much people can hide and how destructive those secrets can be.

Because while I’m in a place now where I don’t feel like I’m hiding any secrets, I know there have been other times when I lived in guilt, shame and fear because of how it would affect me and/or others if anyone ever knew… at least, that’s what I told myself.

And so I’m wondering for those of you who are in hiding… how are you sleeping at night?
What secrets are you keeping?
Are they harmless ones?
Or are they ones that affect those around you? Are they ones that bring death and destruction upon exposure? Are you involved in hidden activity that you’re ashamed of? Are your thoughts dark and haunting?

I don’t think there’s room for the secrecy.
If there are things in your life that you know would affect those around you in negative ways, how much longer are you willing to carry out the secrets? Do you think you can succeed in keeping up with the web of lies? Is it worth it?

I know that sometimes the secrets are horrendous. I know you can’t possibly imagine ever coming clean, ever being honest, ever letting those things surface into the light…
but I guess I think that at some point they are going to, even if you’re the best liar in the whole world. At some point the truth comes out.

And gosh… I just dream of the day when the lies, when the darkness, when the secrets fade away and truth is revealed. And I dream of the day when the light, while perhaps painful initially, penetrates into the darkness and all that remains is good.

I guess I think that day could start today for a lot of you. Maybe it’s time for you to expose the secret life, to come out of darkness and walk in the light. To no longer carry the burden of the tangled mess that you’ve been trying to keep track of and to live in the freedom that is given to you through Christ’s redeeming grace.

There’s still hope.
There are still second chances.

This might be one of the hardest things you ever do. I get that.
But, it’s better. Coming out now is better than waiting, and waiting…and weaving more lies, hiding more things, living secretly in a way that causes further damage to yourself and those around you.

The secret life isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.
Let people know all of you. Let the Lord in on all of you (because He already knows it all anyway). Then the healing can truly come.

It’s better.
It really, truly is. Even if initially it feels harder…

No more secrets, no more lies…
Walk into the light, friends.
It’s time for transparent living.

I’ve decided to approach this summer with the word ‘YES’ stamped across my forehead. Not literally…

Mostly I just mean that I want to be a ‘Yes Man’.
Because sometimes I’m more prone to find excuses for why I don’t want to do things.
I’m not even sure if I’ve seen this movie in full, but I know the premise behind it. Can you relate to this scene?

I can.
Something is going on and it may not be a convenient time, or with people I feel comfortable with, or I’d just rather be alone watching some television show… I tell myself that it’s okay because I’m more introverted and it’s more meaningful for me to be home writing something than it is for me to be out and about actually connecting with real people…

And so I choose isolation.
There’s always a good reason, too. I don’t usually have to make one up. Sometimes I’m genuinely exhausted, sometimes I have to work, sometimes I have to study, sometimes I have prior commitments, sometimes it costs too much, sometimes it’s too far away, sometimes I don’t know really know anyone there…

But this summer I want to say YES more readily. I want it to be a summer where I live life to the fullest, where I’m willing to do things and hang out with people that I might not normally… and to enjoy the unknown adventures of what that might entail. I want to spend time investing in others, even if there’s no guarantee that we’ll ever see each other again.

I’d challenge you to do the same.
Obviously, there are boundaries (I’m not trying to get you to say YES to drugs or weird propositions)…but I think there might be a lot of things we miss out on because we’re too comfortable, too scared, too satisfied to stay with what we know, too lazy, etc. I think we miss out on a lot because we’re too scared of spending money (and yes, we need to be good stewards…but are we hoarding and holding back in fear that the Lord won’t provide?), and we’re too scared of being in situations that feel awkward or unknown.

I recognize that saying yes more often doesn’t necessarily mean that each situation is going to be a grand new adventure. Sometimes it just might be what I fear it’ll be: awkward or uncomfortable or feel like a waste of time/money… but maybe I’d like to approach it with an openness of what the Lord could do if I’m willing to step outside of myself and my own comfort zone.

I don’t know what saying ‘YES’ means for you right now…
Maybe it means helping someone financially, maybe it means taking a crazy, spontaneous trip against your better judgment, maybe it means choosing to watch a movie with other people instead of by yourself (even if they aren’t your best friends). Maybe it means stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something out of your ordinary or maybe it means going out of your way to hang out with people. It could be anything.

Just consider the things you say NO to, and why you’re saying no.
What are you missing out on?
What are you choosing over the opportunities you’re presented with?

Have discernment as you say yes (especially if saying yes means that you’re spreading yourself entirely too thin)… but I hope that we can find joy in the opportunities as we say yes to people, to spontaneity, to adventure… and I pray that the selflessness in the YESes will create moments where we are surprised again and again by how good and faithful God is when we are willing to step outside of ourselves for a moment or two.

Let’s stop making excuses for isolation…
and say YES to people, to community, to relationship, to opportunity, to the unknown.

You in?

I wear a mask daily, it’s exhausting. 
I am working on taking it off but I don’t know how? People might not accept who I truly am, that makes me scared. 

You’re right.
They may not accept you. It’s an ugly possibility, but there’s no way that I can honestly tell you that the moment you live out of the fullness of who you are that everyone is going to love and accept you. It’s not reality. Because reality reveals that people sometimes suck and that sometimes they’re judgmental and far too often we care more about loving ourselves and getting ahead in life than we care about getting to really know people and love them well.

But, you’re also right. Wearing a mask is exhausting.

So… what’s the solution?

I think it comes down to identity and security. A recognizing that no matter who you are, you are loved by the Lord. And being so secure in that, it won’t matter whether everyone accepts you or not.

Because, here’s the deal. If we’re doing this whole Christianity thing, there’s a promise made to us that the world is not going to accept us. People aren’t always going to like us or agree with us. They’re going to think we’re crazy (and most of the time, we kind of are). But it doesn’t change that we’re loved by the Savior of the world. Their opinions, thoughts, perceptions of us shouldn’t be the things that dictate how we act, how we think, how we feel about ourselves.

Easier said than done, right?
I know.
I get it.

But it doesn’t change that it’s true.
It doesn’t change that the longer you wear the mask, the more exhausted you’ll continue to get, and the more distanced you’ll feel from everyone and everything in your life… because you’re continually choosing to ignore who you are.

Who you are, who you’ve been created to be… it’s good.
What the Lord is refining you into? It’s the best possible thing.
Why wouldn’t we want to bask in that? Why wouldn’t we want to live in the fullness of that?

There’s so much freedom to be found.
In the weirdness, in the quirkiness, in the random things about us that no one else seems to appreciate…? It’s still good. It’s good because it’s part of who we’ve been created to be and I honestly believe that the Lord wants us to recognize that it’s because He says that it is good, that it is. To believe that what He says is good enough for our ears.

When we’re needing that affirmation constantly from others, or when we’re too scared to really let others in because we fear the lack of acceptance of us when they find what’s behind the mask…? It reveals our lack of confidence in who we are, in who God has created us to be.

Take it slow. I’m not saying you need to take off the mask all at once (unless you’re the type of person who finds ripping off the band-aid much easier than the slow peeling off of one). I actually think you’ll be surprised by the acceptance you find from other people when you’re actually more of yourself. But, I think you’ll be abundantly surprised by the freedom you find when you can just be without all the pretense of trying to be something that you simply aren’t.

It’s a simpler life.
A freer life.
A glimpse of how things are supposed to be.

Give yourself a tough examination– question your motives and your actions. WHY are you doing the things that you are doing? Is it because that’s who you really are/want to be? I think when you allow yourself to go through this process, you’ll start to recognize the different things you’ve adopted over the years that were spawned from a desire to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted by others… even if they are contrary to who you are. Take it all to the Lord…surrendering yourself more fully to Him in every degree.

And slowly may you start to find freedom in being exactly who you are created to be.

May the masks we wear fade, and may our true colors shine through.

I had a good chat with a friend other other day (I feel like ‘chatting’ insinuates an online conversation, but if you didn’t read it that way… it was an online conversation). 

She was typing up some word vomit about how she wishes (in a joking manner) she could make out with boys, no strings attached… as well as some other nonsense about how she takes relationship things too seriously…and then there was the complaints about men who are only looking for wives and don’t pick up on the lack of interest, and then the statements about the men who are out of her reach and the frustration that ensues. It’s the type of word vomit that makes me smile, because it’s an unfiltered stream of consciousness that almost all girls partake in at some point in their singleness journey (sometimes on a daily basis). And in the end, we find ourselves often feeling the same way as she did: 

 Friend: debbie. why do i even care about this? this is all dumb.

Sometimes decisions feel heavy.

That this one decision you make is going to determine the rest of your life, so you better not make the wrong one. 

And, sometimes, one decision can affect your entire life (like marriage…).

Decisions can often have consequences. And sometimes I’m so scared of the possible consequences that I feel paralyzed in making any sort of decision at all. I want to evaluate every possibility before I decide on something and, on some level, it’s impossible to do.

No matter how many what-ifs I go through, no matter how many scenarios I play out, no matter how much I try to know as much as possible about deciding on something… I still feel in the dark as I’m forced to decide. I’m never really sure…

It’s so easy to get caught up in believing there’s always a ‘right’ decision to be made, and so we inherently fear making the ‘wrong’ decision. It’s so easy to be consumed by the thought of choosing something and then being stuck in a place where you’re wondering if you had chosen differently if it might have been better.

It’s so easy to want the Lord to just tell you what the heck you should do.

But sometimes I wonder if we place too much weight on some decisions. That maybe these decisions don’t make or break the plans God has for us. That maybe He is still able to accomplish His will in us and through us even when we aren’t clear about the path we should be taking. Maybe it’s not so much about the path that we take as it is about the person we are and are becoming as we walk down that path.

Maybe so much of the time we focus on what we’re supposed to do that we forget what we’re supposed to be. Maybe we’re so caught up in figuring out what our calling is in terms of vocation and we lose sight of our calling to love, holiness, and proclaiming the goodness of God.

Maybe sometimes we get so frustrated and lost because we don’t know what step is right, while all along the Lord is asking something much more simple out of us. Something much more basic.

Maybe He’s saying, “I don’t care what school you go to, what job you take, what house you live in, what car you drive, what city you make your home… what I care about is deeper than that. I care about your heart. I care about you loving me. I care about your obedience to me. I care about you loving others. I care about you placing others above yourself. I care about your desire for others to know me and your boldness to live out of that no matter where you are. I care about you making my name famous. I care about you. I care about you, even when you mess up, even when you run away, even when you’re confused, even when you’ve given up. I’m still here. Through it all. Don’t forget me. I love you.“

How do we step out of the versions of ourselves that we feel others expect us to be and step more fully into the version of ourselves that God is calling us to be? 

How do we move away from feeling like it’s necessary to be found successful in the eyes of the world and find contentment in the fact that we are moving toward being what God desires of us?

Can we aspire to greatness no matter what we do?
Can we aspire to greatness in who we are?
Can we not let the seemingly ‘big-time’ decisions over our futures be things that plague us, but rather things that move us toward knowing what it means to follow Him more?

Maybe there aren’t always right or wrongs…
Maybe this one decision doesn’t have to bear so much weight.
Maybe it doesn’t matter.

Because maybe it isn’t about what I do…
And maybe it’s more about who I am… and who I am becoming.
And maybe what I do is part of that process…
But maybe it means that there’s more freedom in choosing than I sometimes feel.

I want to dwell in that freedom.
And trust that, no matter the what, the Lord is refining who I am and what I do is solely a reflection of Him in me.

I’ve engaged in some funny conversations lately about ‘The Friend Zone’.

• Talking to them about your current crush/romantic interest. This sends a very clear message that you are into someone else and therefore not considering them a romantic option. 
• Making statements like, ‘If we’re both 40 and still single, we should get married!’ This back-up plan sends the message that you think that they are cool enough to possibly consider marrying, but you’re not counting on/interested in/wanting anything currently. 
• Implying that you’re only capable of being best friends with the opposite gender over anything romantic. This may potentially reinforce the friend zone idea in their minds as they may consider you a safe person to befriend since you’re ‘used’ to the male-female friendship. 
• Referring to them constantly as friends, best friends, etc. Not the most damaging, but it can certainly insinuate that that’s all you think of them as… While lots of great relationships stem from friendships, if you tend to focus on and emphasize the fact that you’re friends, they may feel very much as though you’re putting them in the friend zone. 

But, I’m not really here to talk about how to successfully friend zone someone (at least not in this post). I mostly want to focus on the fact that sometimes I think we friend zone people out of our own fears and insecurities… and sometimes we aren’t even aware that we are doing it. 

Sometimes I hate taking risks.
But, sometimes it’s necessary.

Especially if you ever really hope to get anywhere in life. Especially if you ever hope to follow dreams. Especially if you ever think that the outcome might very well be work the risk.

It’s taken me a few months, but I’ve finally worked up the nerve. It’s a simple enough step, really… but it requires some level of self-promotion that I truly struggle with.

But, here goes nothing:
I’ve established a Facebook page for this blog, hoping that by enabling anyone to ‘like’ my page that more and more readers will begin this journey with me.

I’d love for you to help me out. If you know of people who may benefit from or enjoy reading this blog, please invite them to also ‘like’ the page. This way when I write, my posts won’t be limited solely to those who I am only ‘friends’ with on Facebook.

And now it’s your turn to go do a little something out of your comfort zone. To take another step toward a dream. To put yourself out there. To chase after something you want.

To take a risk.

Always Second Chances Facebook Page