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I’m tired.
My feet are sore and my shirt still carries the stickiness of orange juice I splattered all over myself this morning. I only remember when my arm gets stuck on it occasionally.

But there are more important things.

I’m back in camp world.
It’s both entirely different and entirely the same.

I swept the floor after lunch and smiled to myself: We’re doing this. We’re doing camp.
I don’t know how, really. But I know it’s happening. It’s been over two weeks and my life has been filled with a random assortment of tasks and only a small percentage of them would identify me with my actual job title. It’s been a mix of learning new systems and procedures, deep cleaning, creating schedules, writing blogs and website text, ordering food, shopping for food, waiting for guests to arrive, unloading giant moving trucks, creating events, having meetings, dreaming, drinking coffee, playing spike ball… the list goes on and on and on.

It’s challenging.
But it’s familiar.
It’s familiar and it’s new.
It’s stuff I know in the midst of something unknown and huge.
I love it.

And still throughout it all, there’s only one assurance I have. Because while I’m somehow competent and knowledgeable about some things camp…I don’t think any of us really know the weight of what’s ahead. We don’t really know what’s required of us. We don’t really know what the Lord is going to do with this place.

But things are happening.
While I’m maybe putting on several different hats at once (as we all are), there’s a joy in embracing it fully. A ‘Let’s Do This!’ mentality. And so we band together in the midst of learning together, growing together, building together, creating together. We are no longer strangers. We are teammates. We are working together toward one common goal.

The Lord is faithful.
Jesus is Lord.
Apart from Him I do no good thing.

It’s the assurance I have.
And so even with the early mornings, the sore feet, the long hours, the unknowing-ness of everything we are walking into… we rely on Him. Because without Him, none of this is possible.

It’s a pretty sweet thing to be a part of.
There are moments when it feels risky and uncomfortable…when there’s tension and an uncertainty as we discern the best way to move forward. There are moments when I feel absolutely terrified and incompetent to do my job…and they are countered with times when I feel like I was made to do exactly this.

It’s a life of utter dependence. A life where I’m given more than enough for each day.
It’s a good life.

I’d encourage you to take opportunities, to take risks, to step into the unknown, to walk into things you maybe don’t necessarily feel qualified for…and to trust in the assurance you have in Him.

Because even when it’s hard, uncomfortable, challenging, terrifying, overwhelming…

There are more important things.
Jesus is Lord.
And we’ll do everything we can to tell as many people as we can of His love and saving grace.

Because it’s the most important thing.

Sometimes blogging is hard for me.
Does any of it really matter?
Does anything I write really change the way anyone actually lives?

I think it’s an issue that boils down to inspiration.
What inspires you?
What inspires you to change your mind about something, what inspires you to keep doing something even if it’s hard, what inspires you to reach out to others, what inspires you to be different?

We all have these different catalysts that inspire us toward change, toward action.
Do we even know what ours are, though?
And if we know what they are, how often are they things that we seek out?

Because sometimes change is scary. And sometimes having to do things is hard. Isn’t it easier to quit? Isn’t it much easier to sit and live our lives complacent and following along the status quo? Isn’t easier when we feel like we have everything figured out? Isn’t it safer? Isn’t it better?

Because sometimes when we read things, or when we have conversations with people, or when we witness things that deeply move us…sometimes we realize that maybe where we’re at isn’t the best place we could be. And sometimes that means doing something different. Sometimes it means moving across the country. Sometimes it means stepping out of our comfort zone. Sometimes it means not talking to someone OR talking to someone. Sometimes it means applying for a job we don’t feel qualified for…and then actually taking it when it doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes it means putting ourselves out there, taking risks, facing rejection.

How often do we avoid the things that truly inspire us, challenge us, have the capacity to change us because it’s too much, too overwhelming, too scary? How often do we not let the things that can truly inspire us actually inspire us? How resistant are we? How guarded?

How often do we read a blog, or a book, or an article, or the Bible and say, ‘Yeah, good point…I should really think about that more…’ and then forget about it a few minutes later as we get distracted by something insignificant?

How often do we travel across the world, startled by the things we see and encounter…convinced our lives will be completely transformed when we come home, and then within a few days we’re back in the swing of things?

How often do we go on retreats, getaways, vacations, to camps…taking time to slow down and recognize all the things the Lord is actually trying to reveal to us, and then resume to the hustle and bustle of our existence just weeks later?

This isn’t a guilt post.
It’s just a ‘think about it’ post.

Think about it.

What moves you toward change?
Do you seek those things out or do you run from them?
What inspires you?
What motivates you?
What are you doing in life with that inspiration and motivation? How are you living out of it?
What is required of you?
Are you moving in some direction, or are you just sitting, waiting, stubborn, lazy, scared?

I’m often terrified of change…and, often, I’m too prideful to want to change (at least initially). But, at the end of the day, I want to be the type of person who is open-minded enough to recognize that I always need to change. That there’s always a better. I want to allow various catalysts to move me that direction, too. To let books, to let people, to let speakers, to let movies, to let experiences, to let Jesus working through whatever way He needs to… to change me. That I might be more like Him, that others would see a reflection of Him in me.

Because I want to do things that matter.
I want to write because it somehow matters.
And I want to be someone who grows, deepens, and knows more about who Jesus is and what He desires for me as I seek to love Him and His people.

So.
Think about it.
What does it all mean for you…?

As much as I can be in a place of contentment, especially in regard to singleness… sometimes I feel like there’s a big, red ‘REJECTED’ branded across my face.

It’s not even that I place it there, but it’s that I feel like others are. Like when they find out how old I am and that I’m still single, only one thought could possibly cross their mind: What’s wrong with her? Why does no one want her…? 

It becomes an identity I wear because I fear it’s what others are thinking about me (even if it isn’t truly what they are thinking about me). It’s pretty messed up.

Singleness doesn’t often immediately reflect a life of opportunity and freedom, but it often begs the sorrowful glances of those already married or those younger who have high hopes of getting married before they reach my ripe old age. Very rarely am I met with a, ‘Oh cool…being single is the best- I never want to get married!’ More often I think I’m admired for being 29 and handling my singleness in a seemingly okay manner… like a, ‘Man, Debbie, if I’m 29 and single…I hope I can do it like you are.’

I get asked a lot of it’s hard.
I get asked if I’m doing okay.
I get asked if I’m jealous of my friends in relationships.

I can’t shake the feeling that people feel sorry for me…. and partially it’s because when I was younger, I remember feeling sorry for older ladies who were still very single (as if marriage was the end all be all of existence). So… I get it, even if my perspective on it has changed as I’ve aged.

But the pity only makes me feel like something is genuinely wrong with me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who can’t see the giant goiter on my neck that makes me repulsive. Or maybe I’m just oblivious to these obvious character flaws I possess. Because, at this point, surely someone would have wanted me by now if I was a ‘normal’ person. Something must be wrong, even if it’s not noticeable right from the start…

It’s hard to escape the feeling that no one wants me. Or, that it appears to others as though no one wants me (like, could they ever entertain the notion that maybe I’m not interested in the guys that have wanted me?).

And, when I feel like that….when I feel my identity deeply rooted in one of REJECTED, unwanted, unliked… that’s when I start reaching. Not even because I necessarily want to, but because I think I should. I convince myself that I’ve been too stand-offish, too intimidating, giving the impression that I’m not interested and that I don’t care. So I over-compensate. I initiate. I say things. I do things.

Ironically, what typically ensues from there is more rejection…only this time it feels more real. It’s not rejection simply because of the absence of a man in my life, but it’s rejection from actual men in my life (even within the realm of friendship).

The problem?
My solution to feeling the brand placed upon me by others is often to prove to them that I am not rejected, that I am worthy of being cared for by a man…and so I go in search of it. I fall victim to fears of what others might think of me and dwell in an identity that isn’t true. To escape it, I search through more unfulfilling things and hope to find my identity in the security of a relationship.

It’s bogus.
REJECTED isn’t the word that defines me. It can’t be. It won’t be.
I also need to recognize that the way I interpret other people’s thoughts of me are often incorrect and presumptuous. I can’t live my life based on how I fear others might be perceiving me.

But, in case you’re wondering?
I’m okay. Being single is pretty sweet a majority of the time. I often look at married couples and am thankful I get to go home to my empty, un-sexed bed because it seems a lot less complicated.
Is it hard? Yes… and no. Depends on the day and the moment of the day.
Do I get jealous? Sometimes. Sure. I’m human.

I don’t need pity, though.
And there’s probably as much wrong with me as there is wrong with all the people who are married. And I’m still thankful for my 29 years of singleness and the things I’ve learned through long bouts of singleness and challenging dating relationships alike. I wouldn’t change it. It’s how it was meant to be.

And I can’t go searching for fulfillment in a relationship when I encounter the feelings of rejection.
It never satisfies.

So here’s to erasing the brands we claim as our own (whether we or someone else has placed them there). Here’s to finding true life and joy outside of being in a romantic relationship. Here’s to the truth that life is about abundantly more than it.

We are not rejected.
Let’s stop living out of it and letting it define us.
Let’s stop wishing our circumstances were always different and embracing what they are.
Because, right now, if you’re single…? It is good.
Let it be good. Embrace it.

You are not rejected.

Girl: Do you think I’ll stop worrying when I know he loves me for sure?
Friend: Just listen to yourself.
Girl: There’s so much to lose.
Friend: There always is.

It’s a segment from Paula McLain’s The Paris Wife…and I think it speaks volumes to where many women are at in life.

We’re always thinking that the next step in the relationship will give us the feeling of security and comfort that we’re longing for. If we’re just talking to a guy we’re interested in, we think we might stop worrying if he would just ask us out or let us know what he’s really thinking about us. If we’re dating a guy, we might stop worrying if we just knew that he not only loved us, but was ready to spend the rest of his life with us. If we’re married, we might stop worrying if we knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would have eyes for no one but us. Or maybe we’d stop worrying if we knew that every time he left the house he would be guaranteed to come back home…safe from any disaster that could take him away from us earlier than expected.

The point?
The point is that we’re always finding a reason to worry. We’re always feeling like there’s so much to lose. Once we get to one rung on the ladder, we realize there are more to climb… and honestly? The higher we get, the more risky it becomes.

Is it ever safe?

No.
Not really. Not in the way we’d like for it to be.
There’s always so much to lose. There’s always so much at stake. Our hearts are on the line. No matter how much we long for certainty, security, for absolutes… we’ll never really get it.

So what’s our response?
Honestly, sometimes I want to flee. To flee from any possibility of intimacy or connection because I recognize that the fall will only hurt worse the higher I get up on the ladder. The closer I get, the more I reveal of my heart, the more I let someone in… the more it hurts when he doesn’t like me back, when he isn’t ready to commit, when he screws up, when he disappears…

But what kind of life is that?
What about the thrill, the anticipation, the hope, the joy, the memories, the experiences, the shared life of learning and growing…?
Where’s the adventure?
Where’s the taking a chance?

Whenever I’d hook kids into the zipline, or send them down the rappel…I’d typically ask them if they were scared. ‘A little…’, they might reply. ‘Good. That means it’ll be more fun.’

Because it was true. The risk makes it more fun, more worthwhile, more memorable. The unknown of what it will actually be makes it intoxicating.

Maybe relationships are a bit like that, too.
And as much as I’d sometimes rather stay on the ground because it’s easier, safer, more comfortable? I want to ride the zipline… I want to climb the ladder. I want to risk. I want to have adventure. I want to see what comes, even when I’m sometimes worried about what there is to lose.

In the end, I think I lose more when I’m unwilling to venture out and see what happens.
There’s always much to lose.

You get to decide what’s worth it and what’s not.
Climb the ladder.
Fall hard if you’re going to fall.
I’m pretty sure it’s worth it…especially when you are assured that life isn’t solely about this. Because it isn’t.

I’m deeply content.
And deeply dissatisfied.

I journaled this today:
I don’t know how to escape the depth of the heartache, the longing…even when I am swallowed up in so much good.

I scampered up some rocks today, quickly reaching a lookout where the views felt quite surreal. ‘I live here…’ It’s a thought I repeat to myself daily as though it will eventually sink in that this place is now home. It hasn’t yet.

So I sat, continually enchanted by the light interacting with the clouds, as it danced on the mountains. It’s beautiful here. And every few seconds feels more beautiful than the last. I can’t keep up.

It is good.
My job, my community (mixed with old and new faces alike), my house… it’s good.
I’m constantly humbled, excited, terrified about everything this transition means, but above anything else I’m assured that this is where I am meant to be. Right now, anyway.

And so I’m deeply content.
But as I watched the dance out in creation, my heart still longed for something more. It felt like something was missing. Something important.

Immediately my flesh craved the intimacy of a man, ‘If only I had a husband, this would be entirely perfect’. Immediately my flesh craved the comfort of a family, ‘If only I had a child of my own, this would be entirely perfect’.

They are the things I tell myself occasionally. If only this, then I would be satisfied. It’s a bad hypothesis. My flesh looks for the things of this world that I do not have and immediately assumes that that is what is missing. These things I ‘should’ have are the missing puzzle pieces to a life of true fulfillment.

My flesh is wrong.
Today I’m extremely aware that my deep longings cannot be satisfied in a spouse, or my own children, or a dream job, or incredible scenery, or a life-giving community, or a sweet house, or a loving family.   Today I’m extremely aware that even in the midst of true, deep contentment…even in the midst of knowing Jesus and the hope that I have in Him…something is still missing. There’s still an ache, a void, a longing.

A hole that nothing here can satisfy.

Today I’m reminded, yet again, that this life I’m living is such a small scene in the picture of eternity. That one day Jesus and I will be face to face.
That while even though I get glimpses of that joy and that wholeness here on earth, it fades. But one day it will last forever. And on that day the hole will be filled, the ache will be healed, the longing will truly be satisfied.

I’m deeply content.
And deeply dissatisfied.
But hopeful for what awaits…for what awaits is far better than anything this earth or my mind can conjure up. For I cannot escape the chasm that exists in the here and now, but my hope lies in something greater… the One who bridges the gap.

Somehow the hope chisels away the dissatisfaction as I’m reminded that this world is not my home.

May He remind us over and over again of the hope that we have…and that one day we will be eternally satisfied by He who matters most, without all the flirting of would-be substitutes that all too often leave us empty.

Looking forward to the day…

The Comment:

When friends that followed Christ suddenly stop. They stop because they just want to be friends with the people they used to hang out with. They stop their relationship with Christ to have “fun” without feeling bad about it. They stop following Christ so her friends won’t feel judged. Then they start questioning God. Was there walk with Him real? Is He real? It is like they traded a diamond for a McDonalds happy meal toy.

Well, I do love McDonald’s (yes, you can judge me)… 

But, I digress… 
This is a good thing to bring up. It’s something I think we all kind of wonder about at various points in our life. What are we even supposed to think when our Christian friends suddenly seem to care less about following Jesus? What are we supposed to do when they seem to transform overnight…wearing clothes we barely recognize, talking crudely and doing all sorts of things they never would have condoned a few weeks earlier? 

It’s tricky.
And, unfortunately, I think all too often we handle the situation with judgement and condemnation. I think too often we forget that we don’t know their whole story. Too often we think that if we don’t call them out, if we don’t tell them how wrong they are, if we don’t remind them of the things that said they used to believe that we will somehow be in trouble for it. Too often we assume responsibility for their soul and too often we lack love as we approach the situation (and if we don’t actually lack love, the way we react may give the impression that we don’t love them). But, sometimes we need to say something.

How do you know when to speak up and when to stay silent?
I don’t think there’s a formula for it.
But I do believe that everything must be done in love.
And I think we need to keep in mind how much Jesus still loves them, even when they seem to have wandered off the beaten path. I think we need to really think about what His response would look like…I think we need to look at what His response was to those who hung Him on the cross.

I think we need to remember that we, ourselves, are also not perfect. While our actions may not be a blatant disregard for Jesus, there are many things throughout the day that I think or say that probably aren’t up to ‘par’ with what someone who loves Jesus is ‘supposed’ to do/think/say.

So I guess there are just some things to consider before we go around throwing stones at everyone else.

• Does your friend know you truly love them no matter what? Do they know that if you were to ask them about what’s going on with them that you’re asking out of genuine concern and not judgement or condemnation? 
• Do you trust the Lord with them? Do you trust that He’s in control, that He’s taking care of it…and that He loves them more than you ever can? 
• Do you remember the Lord’s grace… always abounding, never-ending…even when He is crucified, even when His children rebel and turn their face away? Do you remember that He still takes us all back, no matter how often we run? 

One of my guy friends recently decided to read my blog when it popped up on his Facebook newsfeed. He’s no stranger to the reason behind the blog, so when he read one of my ‘most popular’ posts on Coffee Dates he was slightly frustrated.

‘I feel like you’re giving allowance for girls to over-analyze and be crazy!’

As we hashed through our various opinions on the subject, I offered up the lame proposal of agreeing to disagree. Somewhere in me, though, I knew he had a point. While my post was an attempt to explain to guys why the coffee date gesture can be so confusing, I was also (perhaps) giving women an excuse to keep over-analyzing, second-guessing, and freaking out about all the possible meanings behind such a request.

It wasn’t my intent.
And while I’d like to be able to write a blog that every female could read and suddenly be at ease, less crazy and less over-analytical… I suppose I know that’s not reality. While I’d like to be able to offer up some tangible solution that suddenly makes us less irrational and worried about the possibilities of what could be…I still haven’t found one. Not one that actually withstands any prolonged amount of time, anyway.

Because, in the end, it becomes necessary for us to repeat the truths over and over again…for us to fight to choose to act ‘normal’…for us to not make decisions that are rash and emotional. No matter how good our surrender was of our ‘crazy’ antics and worries during that one really spiritual mountaintop experience, they still come back to haunt us. Or, at least that’s how it’s been with me…

I can write things, I can proclaim things, I can acknowledge how utterly ridiculous I am sometimes…and beg that the Lord would truly take away all of my ‘crazy’ as I long to trust Him in all things…but I know that maybe even a few seconds later, I may need to do it all over again.

It’s a fight.
A repetitious fight.
And I think one of the first steps in engaging the battle is being aware of our inner ‘crazy’. It’s being aware of our tendencies to over-analyze, to read into things, to worry unnecessarily. If we are unable to recognize it, we’re absolutely unable to try to surrender it.

I don’t ever want to make allowances for the ‘crazy’ that seems to, all too often, mess with the minds and hearts of us females. I never want to say that it’s right or okay or the way it should be… BUT, I think that we also need to acknowledge (and men, you need to be aware) that it’s often a fight for us. The natural thing for many of us is to over-analyze, or worry, or act irrationally…but it doesn’t mean that’s who we want to be or even who we are. It just means that we have to learn how to hold our tongues, how to not let our internal freak-outs dictate our actions. It means we have to surrender again and again and again.

It can be exhausting.
So… my friend is right. While I stand by the fact that men should be more straight-forward with their romantic intentions (especially with coffee), us girls need to try to not get so flustered or caught up in all the different scenarios of what in the world coffee may or may not mean.

Sometimes we just need to let it be.
To let it be what it is.
And fight hard to surrender all the other possibilities that fly through our mind in the span of five seconds.

Men… we won’t be perfect at it.
But hopefully each day that we are fighting, the Lord is refining us as He continually teaches us what it means to trust Him, what it means to surrender, what it means to not live life based on our fleeting emotions and over-analyzations of a situation.

Here’s to letting it be.
Over and over and over again…

The comment: 

Can a fairy-tale actually happen in reality?

There certainly seem to be moments where that happens, right? 
The moments where all seems right in the world. 
The moments when you think, ‘I can’t believe this is actually happening to me!!’ because whatever is happening is so good it’s practically unbelievable. 

Fairy-tale moments. 

But what I think we forget about the fairy tales is that there is always an antagonist. The step-mother, the witch, the giant octopus lady with too much make-up and a frightening mole (why are they mostly women…?)
… or the giant, or the Royal Vizier with a sarcastic parrot, or vicious dragons.

We forget that there’s opposition that has to be overcome…or else we think that once opposition is overcome that there’s only the happy ending. We forget that we never really get to see what happens to Snow White once she marries her prince charming, we forget that we never really see what Sleeping Beauty is like once she is awake (a controlling, unhappy lady who is ticked about having slept so much of her life away perhaps…?).

The point is that the ‘fairy-tale’ that we so often visualize, that we so often get fixated on… is simply a life full of romance and happy endings. A life of things working out the way we want them to. But… that’s not how fairy tales really go.

Because a fairy tale, like any good story, has to have conflict. A fairy tale has to have good overcoming bad. Otherwise, it’d be boring. It’d be just another story about a woman who marries a prince, but it’s much more exciting (and weird) when he climbs up her hair to rescue her out of a tower… isn’t it?

We want the good parts of the fairy tales… and we often forget about the bad that comes with them, too. It isn’t a life of knights in shining armor marrying the girl of their dreams… but it’s a life of a man fighting through whatever opposition stands in the way of the damsel in distress. Read me: man fighting (not always perfectly), woman in distress. It’s messy. It’s ugly. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. It’s risky. It’s unpredictable. Will he succeed?

And yes, most fairy tales end with a ‘happily-ever-after’. He succeeds. And so here is where I think real life begins to separate itself from the fairy-tale world. In real life, there will still be challenges to overcome. Kids, money, jobs, death, depression, addictions… things that get in the way of the fairy tale ending. Moments where you have to continue to fight, moments where you’re still in distress.

There’s also the danger of identifying too much with fairy-tales. Of identifying too much with the characters in a fairy-tale. For example, as a woman…it becomes detrimental for me to think that any man can save me from my distress. The fairy tales can easily lead me to believe that if the right guy comes along, then all of my problems will be solved. But, that’s never the solution. I think the fairy tales can give us this disillusion of being able to complete each other, fix each other…heal our wounds and brokenness. We cannot. We will not.

So while our real lives can reflect some aspects of fairy-tale living, I think we have to approach it carefully. We can’t gloss over the bad parts of the fairy-tales and pretend that fairy-tale means only good. And we can’t pretend like the simple solutions that the characters in fairy-tales find resolution in are the things that will solve our problems.

I think fairy-tales register so deeply within us because they are genuine desires that we have. Desires to be pursued, to be fought for, to fight for, to pursue…. desires to beat the opposition that faces us, to have victory, to be freed. But, we have to look at the source of the opposition…and we have to recognize where true wholeness can be found, where freedom comes from. It isn’t in the earthly relationships.

I think there are ‘fairy-tale’ seeming moments in reality.
But let’s be careful about how much weight we place on trying to make these happen. And let’s be careful about how much weight we place on ‘happily-ever-afters’. And let’s remember that those moments where all feels right in the world? That that’s just a small taste of what is yet to come.

Enjoy the moments.
But don’t idolize the moments.
Remember the weight of eternity. Remember the true Prince who pursues your soul and that everything else is just a shadow of the real thing.

We are made for more than fairy-tale moments.
I’m a firm believer that what awaits us will be better than even a fairy-tale reality.

And again we fix our eyes on what is unseen… for what is seen is only temporary.