Blog

I literally had a mountaintop experience the other day.

Literally (yes, I am using this in the correct context with the correct meaning…without exaggeration).

After a series of realistic dreams (that might have been considered nightmares), my morning was dragging. Filled with vivid memories from the past, mixed with the treacherous dreams and topped with a plethora of lies…I felt done for. Worthless, anxious, angry, confused…

What had happened?

And so I went to the mountains.
Partially because I could, and partially because I just needed to get away.

I ascended quickly, blaming the high altitude for my shortness of breath and doing anything I could to take my focus away from the mess of emotions that were threatening to reveal themselves with the tiniest amount of thought. When I got to my final destination, I crumpled in despair.

It had been a while since I had talked audibly with the Lord. Without my daily commutes to school and work, my praying out loud had dwindled and somehow, without the safety of my car…I felt more exposed than ever. While I knew the chances of anyone hearing me were minimal, it didn’t matter. My voice could carry and I feared what might come out. To think a prayer feels much different than saying it. Speaking it gives it a certain sense of realness, of admittance… and I wasn’t quite sure I was prepared to do that.

I began slowly and tentatively… ‘Lord…’ 
It was raw, it was ugly…at times it was hardly comprehendible…but it was real.
I told Him the truth about where my heart was, and while somewhere in me I knew it was stuff He already knew, it was stuff I hadn’t been willing to face myself. I confessed desires that I didn’t even know I still had. I admitted how deeply I had been affected by things, hurt by things…I allowed my weakness to overtake my strength.

I was broken.
Truly broken.
Aware of my own depravity like I hadn’t been in a long while.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…

It was one of those times when Truth hits in you the face and you recognize how truly desperate you are to be saved, how in need of rescue you are…how you can’t do it alone, no matter how strong you feel like you are. One of those times when imperfections and shortcomings are defining of you, but somehow, they still aren’t you…because in Christ’s strength, in His grace… I have been redeemed.

It was one of the moments where nothing makes sense, but everything makes sense. One of those moments where nothing has changed, but everything has changed. Because the Lord reminded me of who He is, the Lord reminded me that He is sufficient, the Lord reminded me that He is perfectly strong in my weakness.

And that was enough.
In that moment, it was sufficient.

A mountaintop experience.
A mountaintop experience that one inevitably has to come down from.

And so I returned home, still dancing around in my joy of how truly good the Lord is…at least for a few hours, anyway. Eventually the junk started to knock on the walls of my heart, whispering…mocking…enticing back into despair, distrust, the desire to control.

But the feelings don’t change the truth of what was told to me on the mountain. Even as I return to ‘normal life’ away from the ‘experience’, even as I battle through the lies, the fears, the self-loathing and pride… it doesn’t ever change who God is.

I think we too often forget that.
I think we too often get wrapped up in our experiences that we forget to stand on the truth of what we learn in those experiences. We get wrapped up in the emotions and needing to feel that connectivity to the Lord without simply allowing Him to be Lord.

I love what the Lord says and does during the mountaintop experiences. I work at a camp… I see it all the time. But, I love even more how those moments can shape our faith as we learn more about God’s character and as we learn to trudge through the valleys, as we learn to fight, as we learn to declare His truths as Truth no matter how we feel.

Oswald Chambers says it well:

After every time of exaltation, we are brought down with a sudden rush into things as they really are, where it is neither beautiful, poetic, nor thrilling. The height of the mountaintop is measured by the dismal drudgery of the valley, but it is in the valley that we have to live for the glory of God. We see His glory on the mountain, but we never live for His glory there.

It’s a beautiful picture of how the Lord works.
Let’s not be so set on getting back to a mountaintop experience that we forget to truly live for Him during the non-peak experiences.

There’s a lot of life for us when we are willing to live in the everyday mundanities with the fullness of the Gospel shaping our existence.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness…

The Comment:

Sometimes it feels like my life is a rerun of a cliche rom-com. Meet cute/cool/awesome guy, become good friends, he seems to be into me but then – out of nowhere – another girl appears on the scene, and here I am, back at square one, always known as the “really good friend” but never the girlfriend. How can I get out of this never-ending cycle? Am I putting out the wrong vibes or just entirely misreading the guys in my life 

I hear you.
Eternal friendship seems to be the name of the game sometimes.

Do you ever watch movies or television shows over and over again, and have this small part of you that hopes that the end will turn out different? No matter how many times I watch My Best Friend’s Wedding, I still somehow hope Dermot Mulroney will change his mind and pick Julia Roberts. No matter how many times I watch Felicity, I still want her to pick Noel. I’m always disappointed, even when I know the ending.

Sometimes my life feels like it parallels this concept. I find myself in similar situations (like in your case, friendships with men) and although it always ends the same way, there’s still a part of me that hopes that this time, it’ll be different. It feels masochistic. You’d think, by now, that if X (befriending cool guys) leads to Y (him never wanting to date you)…that eventually you would change some part of the equation. You’d think.

But it never works out like that.
We’re caught in the cycle. The friend cycle.

And, as defeating and disappointing as it can be sometimes…I’m not sure I would change it. At least not for me.

Here’s why:
My friendships with guys have taught me a lot, and I hope, on the other side of it…that my friendship with them has taught them something, too. While perhaps my initial reason for becoming their friend was because I was attracted to them or drawn to them for some romantic reason (or, even if over time I began to see them in that light because of the intimacy that was created through our friendship)…I think I can ultimately recognize that I care about them more as a person than I do a potential mate.

It’s kind of the same idea that I wrote about yesterday…the idea that we have to view the men in our lives as more than someone to fulfill a means to an end. Which is why, no matter how many times I feel like I keep living out the same story when it comes to male friendship, I’ll probably keep doing it. Because I think these guys matter. And, for this season…however long of a season it is…I know that I have to keep choosing to love them. To keep choosing to love them, encourage them, be there for them…even if it means they never choose me back in the way that I might sometimes hope for.

It’s sometimes agonizing. But I always think it’s worth it. Always.
Why?
Because somehow, when the friendship is about abundantly more than what I can get out of it, it seems fuller, richer, better. It’s not limited to myself selfish, fleshly desires…it’s not about catering to my ‘needs’…but it forces me to look outside myself as I search for ways to serve, to challenge, to care about someone beyond me.

I don’t have a solution for you.
I think some of us are just stuck in this cycle.
I could tell you to just steer clear of guys and ‘guard your heart’ when forming friendships with them, but I think that’s silly and missing the point. I think that’s making life all about romance and taking away the beauty and power that can come through opposite-gender friendships. I think, in the end, we have to really trust that the Lord is the protector of our hearts. And no matter how deeply we connect with others, our trust is in Him. It has to be.

Which means… that I’m going to be friends with guys, and occasionally I’ll probably like some of them…and, more than likely, they aren’t going to reciprocate the feelings. I get to choose how to respond. Will I still care about them, recognizing that the friendship can be about more than my romantic feelings for him? Will I trust that the Lord is still sovereign and good and continue to invest, knowing that He has it all under control? Will I decide that it’s worth it to love someone else selflessly, even when their love for me looks different than I want it to? Can I believe that they genuinely still care about me, even if it isn’t in the way that I think I’d like for them to?

I’m not saying be foolish.
I’m not saying to seek out the situations and throw yourself at guys and try your hardest to be their best friend. I’m not saying to pour your everything into them and only them and exclude all other relationships in your life. But, if you keep finding yourself here unintentionally? Don’t get discouraged. The Lord might be using you in your male friends’ lives, even if it doesn’t always (or ever) play out the way you want it to. He may be asking you to love someone else even when it’s hard, when it’s inconvenient, when it hurts (and we may be learning more about His love through our obedience to love like that as well as being a part of giving that love to someone else).

Let whatever happen, happen.
Be their friend.
Exist in the eternal cycle of friendship. Let it be the season you’re in right now… or maybe for what feels like years and years and years. Because, if we’re loving well (regardless of gender), if we’re pointing people to Christ, if we’re encouraging and challenging them to be more like Him? I don’t really think we can go wrong with that. And I’d rather have a million friendships with guys where my heart feels mangled at various points along the way, than live life unwilling to enter into risky scenarios where my reach to others is limited by my fear of pain.

Because the Lord is taking care of me.
He’s been faithful in it so far.
And I do believe, at some point in my life, that things will change for me. That this won’t be my story forever.
I don’t need to worry about that right now, though.
What’s before me are people to care about, to love (guys and girls alike)…and even if I still sometimes hope for things to be different and get crushed along the way…my ultimate hope still lies is in something greater, something better, something I can’t even fully comprehend.

Maybe we’ll never be the girlfriend, the fiancee, the wife.
But we’ll be the friend.
The friend who loved well, who challenged, who cared deeply, who was (hopefully) a part of transforming lives.

I’m okay with that.
Even on the days when it hurts the most.
I always have to choose loving people…even when it doesn’t turn out like I hope.
It’s my call.
And it’s yours, too.

“So… how would you feel if [your ex] and I started dating…?”

The question is posed to you by a good friend. And maybe it’s not even an ex, but maybe it’s the guy you’ve had a crush on for thirteen years. Or maybe it’s your best guy friend.

It’s a situation that comes with a surge of a thousand different emotions…but it’s one that many of us have experienced before.

How the heck do we handle it?
We’re intimately linked to someone of the opposite sex (through friendship, romantic interest or past relationship baggage) and while so much of our hearts feel like we have a small corner market of ownership on that person, we don’t. Not really. We can’t call ‘dibs’ on them as though they’re ours and no one else can have any piece of them.

But…sometimes we try to. And sometimes we feel like we have a right to. And sometimes we function out of that…and we’re quickly converted into people who write betrayal all over ourselves: How could she do that to me?! She’s known I’ve liked him forever…

We’re hurt.
Devastated, sometimes.
Feeling abandoned, betrayed, lonely, forgotten… as we watch two of the closest people to us pair up and begin a life together without us.

I’d venture to say that it doesn’t have to be like this, though.
There can be a good (and mature) way to respond to the suckiness of the situation. Because, it is sucky. And it is hard. But it doesn’t have to crush us…nor should it.

If we genuinely care deeply about the people in our lives, if we are genuinely desiring to love them sacrificially and placing them above ourselves in all things…then it should also extend into the romance department. There cannot be an ‘exception-clause’ when it comes to matters of the heart.

It’s a perspective shift that’s required of us.
If I truly love my friend and if I truly care about the guy I’ve been crushing on for my entire life…wouldn’t I want the best for them? And wouldn’t I, no matter how much it might hurt me right now, want them to be together if that’s what’s best for both of them? If them being together is better than them being apart (especially if it’s just to appease my emotional well-being)?

Our relationships with others can’t be about an end-goal. Meaning, I can’t have all these men lined up in my life that are ‘off-limits’ because I want them reserved for me and the possibility of being more than friends with them someday, or because I don’t want anyone else to have them because it would hurt me too much. We have to be willing to treat people like people. Not as our lousy discards, not as some prize to be won. People…with their own emotions, desires, hopes, dreams… not people to obtain as the answer to our dreams.

Let other people be happy.
Live in such a way that encourages that.
Let other women date your ex-boyfriend. He isn’t yours anymore.
Let other women date your best friend. He’s not yours. Not like that. Want good for him (and not in the passive aggressive sort of way, either).
Let other women date your crush. If he hasn’t shown an interest in you, it’s maybe time to move on. Don’t try to dictate or control the situation by keeping all other women out of the way. It won’t work out in your favor.

Be women who love the men in your life well, even if that means letting go… relinquishing control…giving up. Be women who love the friends in your life well by being supportive and encouraging and not resentful, jealous and bitter.

Be gracious.
Even when it hurts, even when it comes at your expense.
We can’t demand for others to cater to us in this capacity…and I think we only hurt ourselves (and everyone else) when we try.

It’s not about us.
The sooner we can start living like that, the better.
And the sooner we can, ultimately, start trusting that the Lord truly does desire good things for us…the more we’re able to really let go and not try to grasp at and hold onto things (and people) that don’t belong to us. He’s taking care of us…even through the heartache, even through the disappointment, even when we watch everyone else get what we think we want.

So, when we’re asked the question?
Let’s respond with grace, love, support, encouragement…(which can all be done through a lens of honesty, but not selfishness and control).

It can still hurt, it can still suck, we can still mourn over it… but we still need to let it go.
Let him go.
Our better awaits us somewhere else.
It’s the hope that we have.

So do you like him?
I don’t know yet. I don’t know him very well. But, I am interested in possibly liking him. I just want to get to know him better first.  

So…you guys are talking? Yeah. We’ve kind of acknowledged that we’re interested in each other, but we’re just talking to see where it goes from here. Neither of us really are ready to jump into anything until we’re more sure.  

So, I hear you’re dating someone! Yeah- it’s pretty chill though. Kind of just feeling things out, going on dates occasionally. There’s a few other prospects, too. Nothing serious.  

Are you guys seeing each other? Yep! We ‘DTR’ed the other night. We see each other quite regularly and we’ve actually agreed to not see anyone else right now.  

I saw that you’re in a relationship?? I know! Isn’t it exciting? Once it’s Facebook official, that means it’s serious…right? 

Okay, okay- so some of it is just all about semantics, but some of it just feels like unnecessary steps to stretch out the already tortuous process of figuring out all this romantic stuff.

And, I get it. At this point in my life I don’t really want to just jump into a relationship with someone without being more ‘sure’ of things (whatever that even means), and so as a result I’m much more cautious with (a) admitting I like someone, (b) letting that person know I like them, (c) letting anyone else know that there’s a possible prospect, (d) committing to only that person, (e) announcing it to the social media world.

It’s scary.
Because what if things don’t work out? Again…?
How much of an emotional roller coaster am I willing to go on myself, let alone take anyone else on when they get excited that ‘Debbie may have actually found someone!!’

And so we slow.it.down.
I don’t think either gender is really to blame. As much as I’d love to point a finger at all the men and tell them that they need to be bold and take more initiative…I know that even with the guys who do and who have, many a woman are stalling and freaking out about really entering into a relationship with them.

So what’s the deal?
We’re a generation who is scared of commitment, scared of getting into something messy…into something that isn’t perfect, and scared of feeling like there’s no way out or that something better might come along. So we resist. We draw it out as long as we can. We want to be sure. We’re waiting for the feelings of, ‘I know’ to dance across our hearts because we’ve heard so many times that, ‘when you
know, you know.’

But what if you’re someone who is never sure about much? What if you’re someone who can talk yourself out of things just as easily as you can talk yourself into things? What if there are several people in your life that you feel like you could be sure about being with?

I don’t think it’s simple.
I think it’s complex and we tend to make it even more complex (unnecessarily so).
So what’s the solution?

Take a chance.
I can’t know if the next guy I’m interested in is going to be my husband…but I can’t be so guarded that I’m unwilling to be in a relationship with him because I don’t know the end result. If I live in the fear of a relationship not working out, I’ve given it no chance from the beginning.

And so I think we need to take more risks. I’m not saying to jump into relationships foolishly, but I am saying that we don’t need to cater to all these steps that it often feels like we’re ‘supposed’ to follow. There isn’t a ‘right’ way to do it.
There isn’t a certain ‘path’ to follow.
What worked for one person, may not work for you. While one couple needed to talk for months before figuring out if they actually wanted to go on a date, it doesn’t mean that’s how you have to do things.

I am saying that we can’t live our lives scared of commitment and scared of what other people might think of us. We can’t live our lives fearful of disappointing others (whether that’s because of who we’re dating or because we don’t want to let them down with another prospect not working out).

We can’t live our lives as though we know the outcome.
We don’t.

And we if we live our lives so scared of being hurt, we’ll never really live them at all.
The next guy I date may be my husband. But, I also have to recognize that I may date several more people before that ever happens. I don’t want to be the person that’s too scared, too unwilling to commit, too untrusting that I’m never willing to just find out…

So…
Do what you gotta do, but don’t make it all sorts of complicated.
Enjoy it.
Isn’t dating supposed to be fun, exciting, interesting, risky, unknown…as you get to know the other person better, anyway?
Let’s not suck all the joy out of it.

And, in the end, I think we might find a lot of beauty when we’re willing to commit, when we’re willing to work through the messy, the imperfect and choose to love someone despite it all.

“What does it even mean to like someone?”

I quickly told my friend that she knows exactly what it means. Because…she knows. I know. You know. We all know.

It means we’re interested in getting to know them better. It means we’re interested in letting them get to know us (and hoping they want to). It means we think about them. A lot. It means we over think our interactions with them and definitely read into all of their interactions with us. It means our stomach feels fluttery when we think about seeing them again. It means we’re excited and hopeful about what could possibly be…

The thing about being a girl that likes a boy is that it’s hard to know what to do with those feelings. Once you actually admit that they are there (because how many of us would prefer to keep lying to ourselves about our romantic interests…) how do you then act? Once you acknowledge that you like a boy, both to yourself and possibly others, does it change everything?

I know, for me, it’s hard to keep acting like a normal person. Suddenly everything has more weight to it, no matter how long I’ve known the person. Suddenly I’m cautious of my actions and very aware of the small things that I never before cared about, let alone noticed. Has he always looked at me like that? Has his touch always lingered? Which is then quickly countered by: He’s not looking at me at all and he pulled his hand away very, very quickly…. he must actually hate me. 

Irrational thoughts leak through.
But I don’t know what to do with the emotions. Half the time I don’t even know if they are real. Do I only like this guy because he’s the first guy in a while to have a conversation with me? Do I only like him because I’m trying to get over my ex? Do I only like him because he’s cute? Do I only like him because he can sing really well?

Because our emotions sometimes convince us that we like guys for really ridiculous reasons. Reasons that aren’t lasting. Reasons that aren’t substantial.

So, here’s kind of what I think through when I decide if I’m going to keep liking a guy (because, yes, I do believe that love is a choice…and that you can help who you love).

• Why do I like him? Do I know him well enough to have substantial reasons for liking him, or am I basing it off of things that don’t matter or aren’t lasting? 
• What is my current situation? Do I like him because I’m lonely or jealous? Do I like him because it seems like an easy solution? 
• Am I using these feelings as a way to distract me from other things I don’t want to deal with? Meaning…sometimes I like guys and entertain the idea of a relationship with them (through various communication or flirting), but I never actually have any intention of dating them. In the moment, it’s just nice to have someone to think about…but not as anything real. 

I hate the pedestal.

You know, that thing people place you on and you feel like you have no room to breathe, let alone make an error…

Sometimes I feel like people put me in this category of ‘having it all together’ or of being someone they should strive to be like, which seems completely absurd considering the things I write in this blog. Not only do I feel ridiculously honest, but often I feel like in my honesty I’m constantly unveiling my weakness and my brokenness. I don’t have it all together.

Maybe it’s not always a pedestal, but sometimes I think people think I’m ‘cooler’ than I am without really knowing me. Maybe they know someone who knows me, or maybe they just read my blog, or maybe they are distantly connected in some way… but they don’t know me. Perhaps it’s because I try to reserve that type of judgement for people until I really know them well…or perhaps it’s because I’m just convinced I’m not that cool. But when I hear that someone I don’t know very well thinks highly of me, I just have to wonder… why?

My immediate reaction is to convince them of all the reasons why I’m not that cool, why I shouldn’t be on the pedestal. It’s as though I want to stand on top of the pedestal and shout out for the whole world to hear:

Look people…Here I Am! Don’t you see that I’m broken? Don’t you see that I’m selfish, bitter, lonely, jealous, manipulative, controlling, undisciplined, a gossip, consumed with superficial things? Don’t you see that I care too much what other people think about me? Don’t you see that I’m just trying to figure this all out? Don’t you see that I doubt? Don’t you see that I’m often unloving? Don’t you see that…? 

And, honestly, I think the part that bothers me most about people placing me on the pedestal is that it makes me feel like I’ve done a terrible job at putting down my mask. Perhaps what they see is the Debbie who is afraid to show any weakness. Perhaps they see the put-together version of me who so badly wants others’ approval that somehow it seeps into my daily interactions instead of the girl who is so desperately in need of Jesus and His saving grace.

The Pedestal makes me feel like I haven’t been authentic, that I haven’t been real, that I haven’t been raw. It makes me feel like I’ve been guarded, that I haven’t really let others in…and the more people who think I’m super cool, the more I feel alone. I feel misunderstood. I feel unknown.

Because I’m not that cool.
I don’t do everything right.
I don’t say all the right things.
I don’t have anything together.

But the Lord is gracious with me… He is tender and gentle in loving me even when He not only knows my flaws, but He knows the ways in which I’ve betrayed Him, doubted Him, fled from Him and idolized others over Him.

I don’t care if people think I’m cool… because, I think Jesus does. But He knows me. I guess I just want people to know me before they decide that I’m cooler than I am. I want them to take the time to get to know all the junk that makes me me and choose to love me regardless… not just think I’m some cool Christian lady to be like because of whatever reason.

It gets lonely on The Pedestal.
Because it’s not where I belong.
I’m no different from anyone else.
I am a sinner…saved by grace, and grace alone…not by anything I have done or can do.

It’s the beauty of the Gospel.
We’re all in this journey, trying to figure it all out… and I need (we all need) to feel like we can not have it together. This life isn’t about perfection and wearing good masks.

Let’s know others better.
And let them know us better.
Let’s not be people who make others feel like they have it all together, let’s not be people who place impossible expectations on others.

Let’s, instead, find the freedom that comes in allowing His grace to truly be sufficient in our weakness…and perhaps give others freedom by allowing His grace to be sufficient in their weaknesses, too.

Let’s get rid of The Pedestal.

Although I’ve gotten rejected from Online Dating in the past, I’ve been considering it lately.
The pros. The cons.

Partially because I’ve heard it’s a cool way to just meet people and become friends with them, and partially because it just feels hard to meet guys that I would ever really be interested in. How does a 29-year-old now living in a gated community meet anyone outside of said community, anyway? Church…?

Many people I know have met and had successful relationships through Online Dating, but I can’t seem to shake feeling like it’s this act of control. But then I’m reminded that there are quite a few people who have tried it and not been successful in finding someone. Mostly I don’t feel like I can justify paying for such a service. Isn’t there just a ‘Find Friends Who Live in the Same Area as You’ type of website?

But, I do like to flirt with the idea of relationships.
To think about ‘dating’… in the ‘I don’t know you at all, but we’re going out to see if there could be anything there’ type of way.

So, I think about Online Dating.
But when I think about, it seems both exhausting and terrifying. Really, the whole idea of ‘dating’ feels like that. Getting to know someone. Asking questions. Answering questions. Especially when it’s done in the context of ‘how can I best present myself to this dude so he might want to be interested in me beyond friendship…’? I like being authentic. And sometimes authentic me isn’t necessarily the best version of me.

In friendship, you often get to see the good, the bad, the ugly…without all the pressure of feeling like you have to put your best foot forward. I can be sarcastic, weird, emotional, uninterested, independent…without feeling like it actually affects how someone views me. Or, without me caring too much about how much it affects their view of me.

And, I try to be like that in every interaction.. sure. But when I think about getting to know someone online with the purpose of ‘Do I want to date you? …Do you want to date me?’, it’s terrifying. I can do the written part, the hiding behind the computer screen and only telling someone things about myself in my own time and my own way… but the actual meeting them part? I can’t even imagine doing it. Too much pressure. And I think it gives me further allowance to be picky about things that don’t matter. That it’s much easier to judge someone based on how they look, how they write, how they present themselves…versus getting to know them in a ‘normal’ capacity and either being attracted to them initially or recognizing how cool they are once I learn more about them.

Mostly I just feel like a coward.
Mostly I’m just too scared to ever admit that I could really like someone, and it seems safer to point out all their flaws and the reasons I couldn’t possibly like them (when in reality, I’m just afraid that they’ll never like me and I’ll be stuck, yet again, in a place of unrequited love).

So as much as I like to flirt with the idea of relationships…it’s hard for me to put my money where my mouth is. It’s hard for me to really let down my guard and admit that possibilities are out there and then actually let them happen.

I still feel pretty undecided about Online Dating. Still feel conflicted. Still feel like if I ever decide to really do it, that I can never tell anyone about (mixed with wanting to go all out with it and then blog about my experiences…).

Mostly this question has brought up a lot more questions and self-awareness about my continued fears and insecurities. How much do I care what other people think about how I might meet my future husband? Can you date online without everyone thinking you’re desperate? How much am I willing to let someone in? How ready am I to trust? How ready am I to sacrifice? How ready am I to face possible rejection, disappointment, more heartache?

Pros and cons.
Decisions.
Possibilities.
Questions.
Fears.

Maybe I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Maybe I won’t.

Curious to hear about your experiences with Online Dating? Are you a fan? An advocate? Of the opinion that it’s too controlling? Negative? Dangerous?

Let’s hear it…
I’d love some feedback.

‘Crazy’ is offensive.

Balut: A Filipino delicacy consisting of a developing duck embryo that’s boiled alive and eaten in shell. you’d have to be crazy to eat that, right?!

Crazy can be a lot of things, though. Crazy can be extreme adventures, like eating Balut or doing 10 crazy when you hear fingernails on the chalkboard? It’s a mark of foolishness, but it’s also a voice of extreme enthusiasm (I’m crazy about Chipotle’s barbacoa burritos). Sometimes I just act ‘crazy’–ranging from trying to get inside trash bags to doing Gilly-type dances without caring who might be watching. It’s all crazy.
day long Adventure Races. Crazy can mean mentally deranged. Crazy can be your feelings about how annoying something is…doesn’t it just drive you

I’m tired.
My feet are sore and my shirt still carries the stickiness of orange juice I splattered all over myself this morning. I only remember when my arm gets stuck on it occasionally.

But there are more important things.

I’m back in camp world.
It’s both entirely different and entirely the same.

I swept the floor after lunch and smiled to myself: We’re doing this. We’re doing camp.
I don’t know how, really. But I know it’s happening. It’s been over two weeks and my life has been filled with a random assortment of tasks and only a small percentage of them would identify me with my actual job title. It’s been a mix of learning new systems and procedures, deep cleaning, creating schedules, writing blogs and website text, ordering food, shopping for food, waiting for guests to arrive, unloading giant moving trucks, creating events, having meetings, dreaming, drinking coffee, playing spike ball… the list goes on and on and on.

It’s challenging.
But it’s familiar.
It’s familiar and it’s new.
It’s stuff I know in the midst of something unknown and huge.
I love it.

And still throughout it all, there’s only one assurance I have. Because while I’m somehow competent and knowledgeable about some things camp…I don’t think any of us really know the weight of what’s ahead. We don’t really know what’s required of us. We don’t really know what the Lord is going to do with this place.

But things are happening.
While I’m maybe putting on several different hats at once (as we all are), there’s a joy in embracing it fully. A ‘Let’s Do This!’ mentality. And so we band together in the midst of learning together, growing together, building together, creating together. We are no longer strangers. We are teammates. We are working together toward one common goal.

The Lord is faithful.
Jesus is Lord.
Apart from Him I do no good thing.

It’s the assurance I have.
And so even with the early mornings, the sore feet, the long hours, the unknowing-ness of everything we are walking into… we rely on Him. Because without Him, none of this is possible.

It’s a pretty sweet thing to be a part of.
There are moments when it feels risky and uncomfortable…when there’s tension and an uncertainty as we discern the best way to move forward. There are moments when I feel absolutely terrified and incompetent to do my job…and they are countered with times when I feel like I was made to do exactly this.

It’s a life of utter dependence. A life where I’m given more than enough for each day.
It’s a good life.

I’d encourage you to take opportunities, to take risks, to step into the unknown, to walk into things you maybe don’t necessarily feel qualified for…and to trust in the assurance you have in Him.

Because even when it’s hard, uncomfortable, challenging, terrifying, overwhelming…

There are more important things.
Jesus is Lord.
And we’ll do everything we can to tell as many people as we can of His love and saving grace.

Because it’s the most important thing.

Sometimes blogging is hard for me.
Does any of it really matter?
Does anything I write really change the way anyone actually lives?

I think it’s an issue that boils down to inspiration.
What inspires you?
What inspires you to change your mind about something, what inspires you to keep doing something even if it’s hard, what inspires you to reach out to others, what inspires you to be different?

We all have these different catalysts that inspire us toward change, toward action.
Do we even know what ours are, though?
And if we know what they are, how often are they things that we seek out?

Because sometimes change is scary. And sometimes having to do things is hard. Isn’t it easier to quit? Isn’t it much easier to sit and live our lives complacent and following along the status quo? Isn’t easier when we feel like we have everything figured out? Isn’t it safer? Isn’t it better?

Because sometimes when we read things, or when we have conversations with people, or when we witness things that deeply move us…sometimes we realize that maybe where we’re at isn’t the best place we could be. And sometimes that means doing something different. Sometimes it means moving across the country. Sometimes it means stepping out of our comfort zone. Sometimes it means not talking to someone OR talking to someone. Sometimes it means applying for a job we don’t feel qualified for…and then actually taking it when it doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes it means putting ourselves out there, taking risks, facing rejection.

How often do we avoid the things that truly inspire us, challenge us, have the capacity to change us because it’s too much, too overwhelming, too scary? How often do we not let the things that can truly inspire us actually inspire us? How resistant are we? How guarded?

How often do we read a blog, or a book, or an article, or the Bible and say, ‘Yeah, good point…I should really think about that more…’ and then forget about it a few minutes later as we get distracted by something insignificant?

How often do we travel across the world, startled by the things we see and encounter…convinced our lives will be completely transformed when we come home, and then within a few days we’re back in the swing of things?

How often do we go on retreats, getaways, vacations, to camps…taking time to slow down and recognize all the things the Lord is actually trying to reveal to us, and then resume to the hustle and bustle of our existence just weeks later?

This isn’t a guilt post.
It’s just a ‘think about it’ post.

Think about it.

What moves you toward change?
Do you seek those things out or do you run from them?
What inspires you?
What motivates you?
What are you doing in life with that inspiration and motivation? How are you living out of it?
What is required of you?
Are you moving in some direction, or are you just sitting, waiting, stubborn, lazy, scared?

I’m often terrified of change…and, often, I’m too prideful to want to change (at least initially). But, at the end of the day, I want to be the type of person who is open-minded enough to recognize that I always need to change. That there’s always a better. I want to allow various catalysts to move me that direction, too. To let books, to let people, to let speakers, to let movies, to let experiences, to let Jesus working through whatever way He needs to… to change me. That I might be more like Him, that others would see a reflection of Him in me.

Because I want to do things that matter.
I want to write because it somehow matters.
And I want to be someone who grows, deepens, and knows more about who Jesus is and what He desires for me as I seek to love Him and His people.

So.
Think about it.
What does it all mean for you…?