Author: debbie beal

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Loving Even When…

There was a boy a few years back that I met a handful of times. Despite the hundreds of miles that separated us, we somehow managed to become good friends.

You’d be a fool to believe that I had never thought about anything more with him…because up until the moment he started dating someone else, I genuinely thought I stood a chance.

Between emails and phone calls, we shared our hearts and lives with each other in ways that I had been closed off to for a long time. I felt he had opened up to me in unique ways, too… and although we were very, very different, our commonalities seemed to bring us together. Together we were two lonely people, questioning life, love and our faith. He was driven, successful, honest, funny, intelligent and wanted my friendship.

Just my friendship.

Eventually I told him I loved him.
Not that I was in love with him… but that I loved him.

For those of you who know me, I don’t spit these words out easily. But this time, I meant it. I wanted to mean it. As we began to dig deeper into each other’s lives, I realized that before me was a man who was hurting, closed off, and prideful. I felt this need to love him. To love him in a way that I hadn’t ever loved anyone before.

And as I set out on this journey, I realized that it would look different because the Lord would ask me to love this guy even when he didn’t love me back. As much as I hoped and dreamed that our friendship could blossom into some type of romantic relationship, that was never the purpose… that was never the end goal. As much as I wanted to run away from this friendship, as much as I wanted to stop offering parts of myself to him as I sought to challenge, encourage, and simply be there for him… I knew that loving him when he didn’t love me like I wanted him to was necessary.

I remember one time wanting to pull out fast. And then I happened upon a Scripture I am I sure I had never seen before. Maybe because it was in Numbers.

When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his oath but do everything he has said. 

I had made an oath.  Not only to the Lord, but to this guy… to myself. See for yourself:

i don’t know how love you… but I do know that i do love you.  and it’s a love that has nothing to do with emotions or feelings or romance…. but it has everything to do with being there for you in whatever capacity you’ll allow…. it has everything to do with walking through the good, the bad, the ugly… of rejoicing when you rejoice and mourning when you mourn….of reminding you that you, just as you are, are loved deeply and intimately and nothing can change that. 

I desperately wanted him to know that he mattered. That Jesus mattered. It seemed that if loving him in such a way gained me nothing and him just a little bit of that… it was worth it. It had to be.

I wasn’t perfect in this attempt to love. As I debriefed it occasionally with another friend, he had encouraged me to write a blog about the journey. Loving someone even when….. they disappoint, they betray you, they break your heart, they make fun of you, they don’t love you back. I fear we all have a lot to learn about this.

I never thought I could save this guy. I knew that wasn’t my job, as much as I wished my words or my presence could bring him into a place of total surrender. So I did what I could.

I loved him.
Imperfectly and with great struggle. But, it mattered.

Who are you actively loving right now?
Who are you loving even when…
Who are you choosing to not love because it’s not as easy as you’d hoped it be?

…i suppose i need you to know that loving you isn’t conditional.  i’m not going anywhere.  and even if our talking decreases, or your desire to be friends disappears, or you get super busy, or start dating someone, or you lose your job, or you move away, or you’re broken and don’t want to risk anything with anyone…. i’ll still be here whenever you want or need me.  i recognize that i can’t force that on you, but i need you to know that it’s yours for the taking.  

 What if they weren’t just words and they became our reality?

Make an oath.
And then follow through on it.
Maybe, just maybe, you’ll be a part of truly changing someone’s life.

At that point….isn’t everything worth it?
I hope we all think so.

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Lusty Girls

The Comment:

This new found hatred for bikinis is making me wonder if taking my own shirt off when I go bathing or swimming can be cause for other girls to stumble. Do you have any thoughts on this???

An honest comment from an honest guy, striving toward purity. In his recognition of how much bikinis have a negative affect on him, he’s also aware that showing his skin might have a negative affect on girls. I can appreciate this gesture. 
I smiled when I first read this email–not because it was a dumb question, but because of how I often I feel like girls are quick to want the same rules applied to guys that are applied to girls (I suppose I found it a bit funny to think about guys not taking their shirt off to bathe, too…). It’s inevitable, when having a conversation about modesty with girls, that one of them will chime in about how guys need to cover up, too. Sometimes I fear this more about our quest for equality than it is about our struggles when seeing them bare-chested. 
Because… while, sure, maybe some girls struggle with the visual of a shirtless guy… I don’t typically think that image alone sends us into lust-world. Can it segue there quite easily? Absolutely. 
I think women are generally more turned on by emotional and physical connections than we are the visual. While we might see a hot guy and appreciate his hot bod…the arousal doesn’t seem to come until we take that image into our mind and then start fantasizing about what it would be like for him to hold us or touch us or whisper sweet nothings into our ear. 
We don’t need the visual in order to create the fantasy though. It’s why we read romance novels, watch chick flicks and invest in trashy magazines. We want a heart connection, we want a man that meets every single need of ours (emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc) without flaw… and so we conjure that up in our heads. 
I don’t need to see you without your shirt on to think about what it might be like to have you like me, want to date me, hold my hand, cuddle with me, kiss me. I don’t need to see you without your shirt on to think about what physical intimacy and a deep, romantic connection with you could look like. I can get there on my own. 
So… while I appreciate the gesture, I don’t really think it’s necessary. Whether your shirt is on or off, I can still fantasize about you… and I’m not convinced that you having your shirt off makes me get there any faster. If anything, women will admire and talk like it does… but I truly think the things that cause us to struggle are on a more emotional level. 
Rather than asking you to keep your clothes on, I’d probably challenge women to, instead, look at the content of their books, their television shows…to dwell on the things they think about as they fall asleep at night. Maybe they do conjure up that shirtless image and go from there…but if they like you, they’ll be able to conjure up their own shirtless image of you regardless of if you were shirtless or not. 
Lust, for us, typically isn’t visual. 
It becomes this complicated web of emotions, desires, and fantasies that are not real…. just as much as your playboy model isn’t actually a depiction of reality. 
And, unfortunately, since our issues with lust aren’t easily identifiable…. probably many of us go through life lusting away, without even realizing we’re doing it or the harm it’s causing in our lives and in our relationships. 
After all… lust is a passionate (typically sexual) desire for something. 
And most of us are passionate, sexual beings. 
So men: be cautious, sure. But, be aware that your words, your touch, your smile…. those things can lead us into a sexual frenzy more than the sight of your body at a distance. 
I think it’s probably also good to note that while short shorts on a girl can turn you on… short shorts on a guy are typically not ever a thing that causes us to lust after you! 
And ladies? It’s okay that we struggle with lust differently… and I think it’s important to know the ways in which we do. Be willing to consider it… even if it means giving up things you might enjoy. Consider why you enjoy them, what benefit they bring to your life… and if it could possibly be leading you to lust. 
Yep. 
I went there. 
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Friends with Benefits

The Comment:

What do you do when you think you have a good guy, because he talks all the time about waiting for his wife and everything. He really likes you but always has an excuse on not getting into a relationship when the reality is he wants to be single and just have you as a make out buddy?

Ah… the ‘ol friends with benefits card. Unfortunately, I have played this hand before… on both sides. In high school I was the one calling the shots, keeping it casual and commitment-free. Later on in life, I was wanting more of a commitment and he wasn’t.

My short answer? He’s not that great of a guy.
My lengthier answer? Maybe he is a great guy, he’s just a little mixed up right now and struggling through some things. Which, I’d essentially conclude, that where he’s at right now isn’t a place you should be dabbling around, too.

I guess I think (from experience and from talking to plenty of guys) that if a guy really likes a girl, he will do whatever he can to make it happen. If for some reason he can’t (some legitimate reason) and he really likes her, he is going to honor that and not find silly excuses to not date her and not lead her into a bunch of emotional anxiety by still making out with her.

It sounds like this guy is playing on some of your emotional heartstrings and you need to be really cautious. ‘Friends with Benefits’ is typically a colossal mistake. Someone always winds up more emotionally invested in the other… and the more you give of yourself physically, the more you are going to long to feel connected to this person in other ways. It’s the way we are wired.

We long to be connected, we long to be known, we long to be wanted. So, sometimes we do whatever it takes to feel that way…even if it means we compromise ourselves. Stop!

I’d encourage you to think about what really makes him a ‘good’ guy. If he talks about waiting for his wife, but he’s willing to make-out with you for fun without commitment… something isn’t adding up. There’s a disconnect between the things he’s saying and the things he’s doing.

Be willing to walk away from the friendship and not put yourself in compromising emotional and physical spots. It doesn’t seem that, right now anyway, it’s worth it. This requires a lot of self-control on your part… it requires walking away from something/someone that you might enjoy and value a lot. I think you’ll feel better when you’re able to free yourself from this unhealthy attachment.

Maybe he’s that great guy… but he needs some time to sort through life and figure out how to become the man that he needs/wants to be. Be willing to give him that time- even if it means walking away. If he really does like you, he’ll either respect your decision or not be able to live without you. Time will tell.

Also… be willing to be patient and wait for a guy who wants to be more to you than a make-out buddy. You deserve more… and they DO exist.

You’ve got this.
Go be bold.
Do what is right… not always what feels good.

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Does Perception Matter?

There’s been some debate recently over how much other people’s perception of your actions matters.

For example: 
Let’s say I live alone and my boyfriend and I are long-distance. When he visits, instead of him getting a hotel, he sleeps on my couch in the living room while I sleep in my bed in my bedroom. Is it wrong? 
Inherently- no. 
But, the perception of what it could be throws people off. If all someone sees is my boyfriend coming into my apartment at night and then leaving the next morning, they might automatically assume we are sleeping together… right? 
So, at what point would I change my actions that aren’t necessarily wrong simply because there could be a wrong perception attached to it? 
It’s a weird line. 
We’ve argued a thousand different scenarios and it seems that as much as you might always try to err on the side of caution, there could always be false perceptions. 
My biggest issue with this is not that people might judge me for their false perception of me, but more that my actions might lead someone to falsely perceive something and then go do that falsely perceived thing themselves. That I might unintentionally be leading others into a bad spot. ‘Oh, Debbie has her boyfriend sleep over when he’s in town… that means it’s probably okay if I have mine over tonight’…. 
Ultimately, I’m not sure we can always take responsibility for other people’s false perceptions of us. The more the discussion followed a thousand rabbit trails and back to the main issue at hand, the more we realized that in an ideal world there would be a confrontation. A point where when someone perceives something, they would then go talk to that person about what actually happened…instead of assuming. 
That’s an ideal world, though. 
And because we don’t live in an ideal world, we’re still always stuck in this weird place. A place where misinterpretation happens, where gossip dwells, where rumors fly. A place where people perceive things that aren’t always true. 
I guess I think the answer is to simply be cautious of how your actions might be perceived. It doesn’t mean don’t do them (especially if it’s not wrong)… but have an understanding of how things might get interpreted. Be prepared to have those conversations, but also be prepared to let things go. 
When I was in college I joined a sorority and while I hung out with the girls at parties, I made sure to never drink at parties. I made sure to never carry a cup, even if it had water in it. I knew that there was no way for anyone to determine how much I had drank or what I was even drinking. But, in a bar with some of the girls, I didn’t have a problem having a drink or two with them as we sat around and talked. It doesn’t mean that someone couldn’t have walked in later and seen me with a drink and perceived, especially if I were laughing, that maybe I’d already had a few too many drinks. So… was that wrong of me? 
I guess you could live meticulously by a rule book, making sure that nothing you do was ever potentially questionable… but I hesitate to think you’d be successful. And on the small chance that you could succeed, I’d have to wonder if we missed the point… 
That maybe there’s just more conversations that need to take place. Maybe more honesty and openness. Maybe recognizing that we can’t ultimately be responsible for people’s decisions to do wrong. Maybe recognizing that we still aren’t perfect. 
I don’t know. 
But, I’d encourage you to be cautious with your choices. Consider them. 
And just keep living. 
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Contentment

When’s the last time you allowed yourself to truly be content?

You know… satisfied, pleased, fulfilled, at ease…

I think I have the natural tendency to consistently be the antonym of content. There’s always something that could be better, whether that’s within me or someone else or current circumstances. It’s a feeling of constant dissatisfaction. A feeling of misery.

Lately I’ve been discovering what a crappy existence that is. I think, somewhere along the way, I got it in my head that we must continually be striving for something better. That there was a ‘better’ to always be obtained. Whether it was a ‘better’ in school, or sports, or choir, or with my family, or friends, or boyfriend, or relationship with the Lord….being ‘content’ in those things often felt like settling.

Now I realize that being discontent in those things only brings unhappiness and discord- not only for me, but for those close to me. How do you ever really be in relationship with someone else when they are never content with the current state of things? How do you not always feel like you’re doing something wrong, or that you simply aren’t good enough?

It feels like a disease sometimes.

But, in being aware of this mindset I tend to have… there’s been a lot of letting go that’s need to happen. I think it first started with my relationship with the Lord.

I think it started here because somewhere along the way many of us have adopted a mentality that we will always need to grow in our relationship with Him. That we will never be where we want to be. That we should never be satisfied with where things are at with Him.

Now I’m wondering if those thoughts have been more damaging to us as believers than they have been motivating or encouraging. It’s almost as if we’ve been saying that God isn’t satisfied with our relationship with Him, that He wants more and more and more. He wants us to be more obedient, more loving, more selfless, more joyful. And maybe it’s true that He does desire those things, but I don’t necessarily think it means that God is upset with us if we are truly seeking Him.

I think God gets upset when we become people who honor Him with our words, but don’t really meant it. I think God’s upset when we are fakers. But, I don’t think He’s upset when we are honest with Him and others and still following… even if it’s not yet perfect. For us to think he’s always dissatisfied, that He’s always disappointed? It seems damaging.

In fact, I think it’s been damaging.
I’ve told you all a bit about how I put down my Bible for the better half of this year… and when I finally have been able to come to a place where I’m not trying to hard to be this ‘perfect’ Christian, there’s been a lot of content that’s been able to flood in.

What if where you’re at right now is okay? Even if you could ‘do better’ or ‘be better’… what if God is satisfied that you’re exactly where you are? Could you be satisfied, too?

‘Cause, the thing I’ve discovered, is that life is continually going to bringing us to new things. New challenges, new people, new jobs, new locations, new struggles of it’s own. I don’t think our relationship with the Lord is supposed to be a struggle. I think it’s supposed to be the thing that brings peace, and comfort, and healing…. the source of our joy, Him as our only constant.

But… we’ve turned it into this thing that we have to fight through, and struggle with… and be dissatisfied with…because we think He is dissatisfied with us….

And I can’t help but wonder….
Did we miss something?

Today I’m content.
I’m not perfect.
I didn’t go to church today. I didn’t really even read my Bible today.

But, I’m content with where I’m at with God.

Are you?

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Does Jesus Hate You?

‘I was a virgin because I love Jesus and now Jesus hates me.‘

April, from Grey’s Anatomy, says this to Jackson the morning after their intimate night together. It’s one of those lines that makes me cringe…. and it’s one of those lines that gets broadcasted all over the world.

Is this how Jesus is viewed?

Unfortunately, I think it is a lot of times. Not only by the world, but by Christians. And I think this statement is evidence of our lack of understanding who Jesus really is.

Honestly, I’ve probably felt like this a bit myself in times when I’ve knowingly sinned. That my sin causes Jesus to hate me. The guilt is too overwhelming. There’s no way I can ever be forgiven of this (whatever ‘this’ is at the time). It’s especially worse when I’ve chosen to sin, knowing it was sin. I can’t get by with a, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to’ type of confession. Instead, I must throw myself at His feet… acknowledging my unworthiness, acknowledging how undeserving I am of grace and forgiveness.

But to honestly think that He hates me?
It seems absurd and contrary to everything I read about Christ in Scripture.

Remember the woman at the well?
Or the woman caught in adultery?
Or the prostitute that washes His feet?
Or the disciples that had given their lives to follow Him and then betrayed Him in an instant?

Where is the hate, then?

How do we go from reading this about Jesus to believing something false about who He is? Where does the disconnect happen?

It makes me wonder how interested we are in even wanting to know who Jesus is, or if we’re more caught up and consumed by who we are, what we do, our guilt, our freedom, ourselves. It’s almost as if we take our own feelings of guilt and despair and because we don’t know what to do with those emotions, it’s easier to make false statements like, ‘Jesus hates me’.

‘Cause sometimes it’s easier to think that Jesus hates us when we do something wrong than to think that He still loves us even when we do something wrong.

Think about it.
We have this mentality that demands justice be done.
When we do something wrong to someone else, it sometimes seems easier if we pay the price for what we’ve done wrong to them. If they let us off the hook, there’s this feeling of debt that we have toward them.

Do we feel like that about Christ?
That there’s this debt that’s been paid that we’re constantly trying to pay back…. but we never can… because we’re never good enough?

Does God hate sin? Yes. He has to… He’s too holy to even have it exist in His presence. But does He ever hate us?
It’s completely contrary to the Gospel.

Soon I’ll probably talk about this whole cliche of ‘loving the sinner, but hating the sin’ that we spout of quite regularly. But, for now… I’ll agree that it’s true of Christ. That while we may not be able to separate the two in our human little minds, I believe Jesus is fully capable of loving us despite our sin. He is able to see us and know us beyond anything that we do or think or say…. and love us.

That’s the Jesus I’m interested in knowing. The one that contradicts everything I think I know about how we are naturally wired… the one who came so that we might live.

Who is the Jesus that you know?
One that hates you because you messed up? ‘Cause that Jesus doesn’t exist…

Seek to know Him today for who He is. The one full of mystery, power, healing… and love.

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Scared & Hiding

I started writing this blog thinking that it would cater to a younger female audience. My vision was that high school and college-age girls would identify the most with my rants about the craziness of the female race.

Turns out that my rants about crazy girls are more sporadic and my random thoughts about issues in life seem to be the overwhelming theme of this blog.

I’ve been incredibly surprised by the amount and type of people who consistently seem to keep up, though. Moms, youth pastors, 30-year-old men, single women in their late 20’s, college guys… and of course, the high school and college-age girls. It’s weird..
But it makes me wonder how much we’re all (no matter where we are at in life) really searching for answers. It makes me wonder if deep down, none us really feel like we know anything at all. That as much as we can speak with authority and conviction on certain subjects… I wonder how much we’re really hiding. I wonder how many of us are scared of being known, scared of being discovered, scared of failing. 
In the last 5 years or so I had this vision of writing a book some day. It was to be a book about fighting. A book about not having all the answers, a book about struggling to live each day and letting that be ‘normal’. 
I grew weary of reading so many Christian books that seemed to have all the answers for us. I was annoyed by the easy solutions and fixes to the things in my life that didn’t seem so easily fixable. I was frustrated by simple Christian phrases that are tossed around so easily, and when I took the time to really consider what they meant… I still wasn’t sure. 
Instead, I wanted to write a book that said, ‘Hey world, this is me… this is me raw, and broken, and not having anything together… but still believing in Jesus, still believing Jesus is worth it. This is me fighting for something better, hoping for something more… and sometimes failing and sometimes succeeding.’ It was to be an invitation for people to join me, for people to journey with me. A grand idea that the more we could all admit that we don’t have it figured out, the more something beautiful and changing could sweep across the world. 
I tried to write it. I wrote clips and bits of it. You’ve maybe read some of it here, actually. I even sent in a sample of it with the idea for the whole thing to be published.  Too personal, they told me. No one wants to read that type of thing. Maybe they’re right. 
So, I stopped writing for a long time– except for job required things. 
I got scared. 
I’m still scared. 
When I started up this blog in January, it didn’t come without fear, doubts and worries. Every day I debate whether or not I should keep writing, how often I should write, if anyone even cares about what I have to say. It’s been a battle. 
And I realize that the fear is consuming. 
I fear being judged, I fear disagreements, I fear being wrong, I fear failing. 
Do you? 
Yours might look different than mine (in fact, it probably does)… but, I can’t help but wonder in the deepest places of our hearts if we’re still searching. If we’re still searching to be known, but desperately scared of the fullness of what that means. If we’re still searching to fully believe in a God who sometimes seems full of contradictions. If we’re still searching to follow a Messiah who spoke in riddles and parables. If we’re still searching to find ourselves and simultaneously get over ourselves. 
And because we’re still searching, we are terrified. 
Does our fear of being found out, of being discovered… of being seen naked, exposed, vulnerable… does that fear drive us more than anything else? 
I sometimes think it does. 
What are the things you avoid, the things you run from, the things you put off… because of fear? 
How much of your life are you living in fear? 
Is there something that you know you should do, but you’ve been too scared to do? Whether that’s fulfill the purpose of your life, or have a hard conversation with someone, or quit your job, or move somewhere else, or forgive someone, or break up with someone, or propose to someone, or confess to someone… I don’t know… 
But, I just want to urge you to think about it.
And then to be willing to walk through the fear. 
I’m writing again. 
It doesn’t stop being scary, but I still keep doing it. It hasn’t been what I’ve expected, but it’s been good. 
What is it for you? 
Do it. 
Right now. 
And then tell me all about it. 
Deal? 
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Is ‘Sin’… Sin….?

Has someone’s confession of sin ever led you into that sin?

It seems that there’s a fine line in confession of sin and being vulnerable with each other…one that we need to be aware of. While it’s a powerful thing to share the things that we are struggling with openly and honestly, I wonder if the confession can sometimes be more detrimental for others than positive.

This seems especially plausible when older people share their stories with younger people. While there can very much be a reassurance that a student is not alone in their sin, it seems like there can very much be an attitude of, ‘Oh, if he/she has done that… maybe I can too?’

I only think that because I remember feeling that way as a teenager. I remember feeling more okay about sin when I knew it was something one of my brothers, or an older girl in my youth group had done. I remember feeling okay about things because my ‘solid’ Christian peers were or had struggled with it.

My radar of sin is sometimes more indicative of what the people around me think over what the Lord thinks about it.

I fear that we forget that God hates sin and cannot be among it because He is thrice holy… but we are very quick to remember the sin that the world hates, the sin that the world condemns, the sin that other Christians judge us for. It seems that, more often than not, sin affects us more not because God hates it…. but because other people condemn, judge, and outcast us for it.

Quite oppositely, when our Christian crowds, churches, leaders, friends, mentors, families let us in on the sin in their lives…it’s easy for us to go one of two ways. Either judge them for it, or think ‘oh…that’s not so bad….’ which can lead us into a spiral of even trying it for ourselves (if we haven’t already). I realize there’s a middle ground, but in my personal experience I tend to take everything to either extreme.

Sometimes I think we even call things sin that aren’t sin because that’s what others around us have told us for so long. I wonder how much we even seek the answers for ourselves instead of just readily accepting that something is sin. It’s a real bummer, actually. I think we can get so consumed by what religion is telling us is bad, that we forget to search it out for ourselves.

I know I’m briefly touching on a lot of big subjects here…
So, in a brief summary, here are my thoughts:

  1. In sharing your stories/struggles with others, use caution. Be aware that your confessions of sin might lead others astray. Be willing to leave out details and specifics if necessary. Find a safe place to spill all, but know that there are appropriate venues in which to do this. Know that while your story might resonate deeply with one, it could very easily lead another into sin. 
  2. Make sure your standard for sin is coming from the Lord and not from men. 
  3. Make sure the things that you are calling sin and treating like sin are sin. Not just because someone told you that…make sure you have a good understanding of what conviction from the Lord is vs. conviction from man.
While I wish the conviction from man would be a good indicator of what sin is and isn’t, if we look at many things of the past, we find that we have been so very wrong so much of the time. 
We can go deeper with any of these things if you’d like. Just let me know. 
As always, please feel free to submit your own thoughts and questions that you have about any topic you’re wrestling through or thinking about. I’d love to hear from you! 
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Is Change Even Possible?

Are you ever skeptical that people can change?

I am.

I wonder how often our skepticism not only allows us to live in a place of discouragement and hopelessness…but also lends itself to creating a mold for others that they cannot get out of.

For example:
I feel like I changed a lot between high school and college. I felt more mature, I felt more servant-hearted, I felt like I understood a whole lot more about who I was and my purpose in life. But, every time I went back home, I felt myself reverting to this high school version of myself. I was suddenly selfish and expectant. I suddenly needed my mom to wake me up in time for things, I suddenly found silly reasons to have my feelings hurt by my older brothers.

I think part of this was the fact that coming home provided a comfort and familiarity that allowed me to be a more raw and rough version of myself…’cause I always know they’ll love me unconditionally. I think part of it was that my family expected me to still be the bratty, selfish teenager that I had left home as. How could they know I’d be any different?

It took many years before I felt like I could really be more of who I was becoming around my family, it took time for them to see that maybe I wasn’t the same girl I had been. It took me continually striving to be the same person I was becoming at camp and at school while I was also at home…even if it felt much easier to slip into that old person again. Change didn’t come easily.

And I recognize how often I tend to hold others to this previous version of themselves.

It’s really backwards.
I proclaim to believe in a God that is all about changing people. Eternal change, lasting life-change… but then I don’t let them change. I question their motives. Are they changing for a guy? Or for a girl? Are they just appearing to change, but really the same person deep down inside? Are they just desperately wanting that job, so they’ll say anything they can? Is it just this temporary deal, but give it some time and we’ll see the old them resurface soon?

I hate this.
I hate that this is what I’ve become.
Haven’t I truly seen enough people’s lives drastically changed? Or am I still always expecting the worst?

Not only am I allowing room for disappointment and discouragement to set in in my own heart, but I’m also failing at offering hope to anyone around me.

I want to be a person who believes fully that people can change, that they can be different. I want to be a person that not only believes it, but inspires it. Instead of looking at the former pothead, sex addict, alcoholic, compulsive liar, pharisee and not believing that they’ll ever change… what if I held true conviction that they can, that they will, that there’s hope, that there’s more?

What if people are unable to really change because we don’t let them?
What if people are so discouraged and hurt by their friends, their families, their churches, their co-workers treating them like the same person they’ve always been…instead of with the belief and hope that they can and will be different?

What if we’re doing the exact opposite of what we claim to believe?

I don’t know about you guys, but I need to believe that lives can be changed.
I need to be a person who hopes…
A person who offers hopes to others when they might not even have hope for themselves.

Change can happen.

Let’s be cautious with how our words and our actions may debilitate others from being able to live in their new flesh. And maybe, as we allow others to live in their transformation, we will also be able to take steps forward in ours.

For you, my friend, have probably changed, too.
Believe it.
Live in it.
There is power here.

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The End….or the Beginning?

The Comment:

I think we need to be careful not to go too far to the extreme the other way by encouraging people to stay in dating relationships and/or proceed into marriage with someone who may not be the best fit for them just because they dont want to seem like they are only searching for happiness or bailing when it gets hard. I think that dating is the process by which we learn if someone is a good match for us or not and that there is a difference between looking for perfection and looking for the person who is best compatible with you presently and who will still be compatible with you in all future stages of life.

This was in response to my blog, Dating For Divorce?… and I wanted to make sure and hit on this side of the subject as well.

When is it a good time to break-up?
At what point do you realize that the two of you aren’t a good fit and trying to force something is more detrimental than just ending it and walking away?

I think your comment is spot-on. We do need to be careful to not go too far to the extreme by encouraging awful dating relationships to advance into even more awful marriages.  It is a time to ‘get out before it’s too late’…

But, it’s still a tricky transition into marriage. I mostly think that marriage is this land of a thousand things you never could have really prepared for. Through various life circumstances, a wonderful dating relationship could easily transform into wretched marital hell. How do we get people to stick with it in those moments, when fleeing has become the acceptable and expected solution though? How do we get people to stick with it when taking the out is the easier thing to do, when it’s the thing they know best?

Marriage is hard.
Dating is hard, too. At least, I think it should be.
It seems impossible to gauge compatibility for our future selves…and I wonder how much we are even able to gauge compatibility for our current selves. I might argue that while I think I know what I need in a mate, what I actually need has turned out to be quite different from that.

I guess I think you have to decide if someone is worth it. They have to decide if you’re worth it. You must be willing to make a commitment, to stick with it… for better or for worse. In dating, we get to decide this.

Early on in dating my current boyfriend, I remember thinking how terrifying the thought of marriage was. Marriage was this world of unknowns…and the thought of breaking up seemed much more manageable. Why? Because I know how to break up with someone. I know what it takes to get over someone. I know how to move on, I know how to cut them out of my life, I know the pain and the heartache…. because I’ve been there before.

But being with someone forever? Choosing to love someone when it’s hard and I don’t always want to? Allowing them to love me in my weakness and my sin and when I don’t think I deserve love? Trying to raise a family together? Sacrificing myself constantly, having to be selfless? Being hurt by the person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else?

Those are things that I don’t know.
Those are the things I won’t know until I’m there.
And it’s terrifying.

But, at some point…. you just decide it’s worth it. Regardless of your compatibility or your happiness. And you choose each other.
Again. And again. And again.

There’s no outs this time. We choose to love each other every day, until death do we part.

So, sure, maybe get out while you can in the dating process. But date with a purpose…  especially all you young guns out there. And once you realize that it’s not worth it, that you can’t ever envision yourself choosing that person no matter what they’ve done to you, no matter what they might turn out to be, no matter who they are right now… then do them a favor and end it soon. No need to drag out the inevitable.

If you’re unsure…?
I still challenge you to consider working through the hard things. Maybe it takes you more time. That’s okay. You’re not on a certain timeline. Take the time you need, don’t rush it, and don’t delay it. Be willing to ask yourself if you’ve been selfless, if you’ve been sacrificial, if you’ve truly loved them. And if you don’t really care about that…I’d venture to say it may be a good time to call it off (as long as you’re not in a highly emotional state– read up on some dos and don’ts here).

I still don’t really know much about love. You get to hear me process through it all as I go. Thanks for all your comments, questions, encouragement and feedback. It’s good.

I hope you have a little clearer idea if you’re heading toward the end of a relationship or the beginning of a different type of relationship.

And may you find hope, whichever way you go. There’s always some to be discovered.

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