Author: debbie beal

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To Speak…Or Not…?

The comment:

When your friend is dating someone you don’t like and you don’t agree with it, do you say something OR do you abide by this supposed code and keep your mouth shut because they are “happy”? 

Great question.
If I had a nickel for every time I got out a relationship and the immediate reaction from close friends and family was elation, I’d be…well, richer.

But, seriously… sometimes I feel like the whole world around me is holding their breath while I’m in a relationship, secretly hoping that this isn’t the guy I end up with. When it’s over, it’s as though they can breathe again and that often includes a barrage of reasons why he just wasn’t ‘right’ for me. Sometimes tears of relief are shed (by people who aren’t even my mom). I can’t help but think, ‘If you were that emotionally distraught by the thought of me being with him, why didn’t you just say something?!?’

I get it. I get why people don’t. When I asked my family and friends why they didn’t say anything when I was in these various relationships, I’m often met with some sort of answer like, ‘Just because I don’t like him doesn’t mean that you don’t… you clearly do, so I wasn’t going to let my dislike of him get in the way of that.’  That’s fair…if you just don’t like him but think that he’s good for me, I guess.

OR, there’s the common, ‘It’s not my business to say anything.’…or, ‘You’re going to be the one to have to live with him your whole life, and I’m not going to try to tell you that I know him better than you.’…or, ‘I trust your judgment.’

Okay… sure. But it’s a little infuriating when the vast majority of the people in your life suddenly come forward after a relationship is over to confess all their concerns and fears about you spending the rest of your life with someone. That certainly doesn’t help me after there’s no need to even decide on whether or not being in the relationship is a good idea. It’s been decided and your two cents after the fact just makes me pissed that you didn’t have the nerve to tell me while we were dating. Even if you’re just trying to make me feel better about the relationship being over… a heads-up while I was all in would have been nice, too.

And some people did say stuff, and I wasn’t willing to listen (can’t we all identify with that?)…but I certainly appreciated them being honest with me, even if I didn’t like it at the time. I’m not really angry about it (whether people did or didn’t say things)… I mostly think it’s intriguing to think about why we don’t always say something and when, or if, we ever should.

There’s a lot of people that get into relationships that I think are terrible ideas. I don’t always tell them. So, at what point do you address concerns that you have? Is it ever appropriate? Is it ever received well?

Honestly–I have a hard time believing that it is ever received well. I’m not sure that’s a good enough reason for us to not be honest with those closest to us, though. I think, in confronting things of such a sensitive nature, we should probably always expect that we most likely won’t be met with open arms. In fact, people may try to distance themselves from us, they may not want to talk to us anymore, they may think we’re out to get them. It’s why it’s risky for us to say anything…and it’s probably why most of us don’t. Plus, we don’t want to meddle.

I think making a decision to say something or not boils down to your relationship with the other person, your reason for it not being a good idea, and how you approach said confrontation. Here are some things to consider:

  • How close are you to this person? 
    • Do you have the kind of friendship/relationship that withstands disagreements/tension? 
    • Do they know that you love them, no matter what? That you have their best interest in mind? 
  • In saying something, do you have any alternative motivation for this relationship not working out (i.e. are you in love with your best friend and so any relationship he/she gets in is automatically a bad idea if it’s not you…) 
    • Does your dislike of the person have anything to do with you? (i.e. your best friend suddenly disappeared because they started dating someone and now you’re jealous, sad, lonely because you don’t get to see them anymore…you want your best friend back!) 
If you’re truly worried about your friend/family member, if you truly believe this relationship is a bad idea, if you’ve seen them going down a ‘bad’ path as a result of this relationship… if you have legitimate reasons that you’re concerned, I think you’re obligated to say something. But, I think if you say something, you have to be okay with the fact that they may not listen to you and you’ll have to choose to love them regardless. You’ll have to be okay with the fact that in such a confrontation they might react defensively or in anger and you cannot retaliate. 
I think my confrontations with relationships I’ve felt uncomfortable with/iffy about have often occurred in question form. Rather than attacking people, or making them feel like the person they care very deeply for is stupid or wrong for them… I tend to ask questions. I’d rather them come to that conclusion on their own than just listen to what I’m saying. 
I think when we ask questions (the right questions) that we also gain an awareness of where our loved ones are coming from. When we ask questions, we’re inviting them to dialogue with us, to open up to us, to tell us what they really think/feel vs. us just assuming that we already know. Perhaps they’re already aware of the ways this relationship is harmful and they just need someone to listen/talk with them instead of being talked at.

Either way… they’ll hear you. They may not listen or heed your advice…but I think if you’re going in with truly good intentions, that you’ll be okay. They’ll appreciate you for caring, and they’ll appreciate you for loving them even when/if they decide to keep pressing on. And, if they ever do breakup…? They’ll be so thankful you were a friend that was willing to speak up, even if it was hard. If they don’t? I think they’ll still appreciate you being willing to vocalize your concerns and not just let them forge ahead into something you had reservations about.

Be honest.
Be gentle.
Know when to speak and when to be silent (a.k.a. listening).
Know which issues are important enough to say something about…and make sure you’re driven by your love and concern for your friend.

And… if you’re on the receiving end of a friend/family member confronting you with some concerns about your relationship? Let them…and don’t hate them for it. Remember that they are saying it because they care about you, not because they are out to get you or resent you for your happiness…or whatever reason you invent in your head. Be thankful that you have people in your life that love you too much to stay silent. Be willing to examine their concerns and invite other wise counsel in to ask their advice on your relationship. Ultimately… be willing to trust the Lord is going to take care of you, no matter what.

Don’t be afraid of hard conversations- no matter which side you’re on.
You might know you need to say some things….you might know you need to hear some things.
So, what are you waiting for?

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Get Over Yourself

“Don’t you sometimes think, ‘Why wouldn’t everyone want to date me?‘”

It was a question I asked several of my co-workers a few years back, quite sure their response would be a resounding, ‘YES!’ I was a bit thrown off when the majority in the room looked at me, baffled that one could ever muster up such a prideful thought. Many commented on how they usually think the opposite, but only one or two others admitted to having the audacity to occasionally think that they thought of themselves as so cool that everyone would want some of that.

It’s kind of my life.
I feel like a living contradiction. While I try to express both sides, I’m positive that my negative self-image surfaces more than my prideful, boasting self. But, seriously…. I sometimes ask myself the aforementioned question. Don’t you?

Maybe not. Or, at least maybe not to that extreme.
I waffle back and forth between loving myself and hating myself, probably failing to find the middle ground of a well-balanced confidence. If I’m not bashing myself, I’m usually finding some reason to think I’m awesome.

Sometimes, unfortunately, these two extremes seem to exist simultaneously within. For example, I might convince myself that I’ll never get married, that no one will ever want me, etc…. while also thinking that I’m going to marry perfection in male, human form because he won’t be able to help loving me (because I’m that cool…). It’s a strange, strange place… this mind of mine.

These are usually the moments where I feel very different from other people. You know how when you talk to people for a while and you sort of realize that we’re all really similar when it comes down to it? This is a point where I don’t really feel like everyone else is the same as me. Maybe to a degree, but it never seems to be as extreme in others as it is with me. I had to take these personality tests recently and I as checked boxes that verified how important I think I am, I also was checking boxes that would assure the test evaluators of my extremely low opinion of myself. I can’t wait to see the results of those exams… if they can even figure them out.

I mostly think it all breaks down into pride and vanity though. It all breaks down into self-absorption on some level. I’m suddenly hit with the reality of realizing that I am consumed with me: whether that’s the awesome me or the pitiful me. My focus is on me alone. I’m either feeling sorry for myself, or feeling like I’m the most important thing to be birthed into the world… and I’ve failed to recognize that beyond the limits of my own skin, there are a lot of other people out there. There are a lot of other needs. A lot of other things that matter more than this…that matter more than me.

I think we, as humans, are desperately searching to find our own place in this world. We’re longing to know that we matter. Sometimes we’re already convinced that we do matter. But we get so caught up in this. Even as Christians we do–maybe more so. We have to know that we are loved. We have to know why Jesus loved us so much. We have to know and believe that we are worth it and we are beautiful and that we have what it takes….and sometimes I feel like we have to know these things before we can do anything else.

But what if that’s flawed?
What if our desperation to know these things have only catered to a pride and a vanity that perpetuates this thought that life is about us?

We are so deeply concerned with how we fit into God’s plan that it can limit us from living in it. We’re so caught up in our self-image that we’ve forgotten whose image we’re made in and what our purpose is. I get so caught up in pitying myself, or so caught up in admiring myself….that I lose sight of everything else.

I don’t know which side of the pendulum you fall on (self-loathing or self-admiration)…or maybe you’re like me and struggle with the extremes on both ends? Mostly I think we just need to remember that there might just be other things…and people…that matter more. That either extreme is taking too much time/energy/thought to focus on ourselves.

So, in the kindest way I can say this: Get over yourself.
You’re not that pitiful….you’re not that awesome. And, even if you are? It doesn’t matter. Go do something with your life that glorifies Jesus and involves loving others, without yourself getting in the way.

You may just discover a new confidence within yourself as you seek to love Him and others…one that is filled with humility and joy, one that is certain of who you are, one that doesn’t come crashing down with the thoughts of self-loathing or go floating away with the internal boastings.

Seriously.
Let’s do this.
Let’s get over ourselves and stop caring so much about who we are that we lose sight of Jesus, that we lose sight of how much more other stuff…other people…matter.

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Perversion

You know how we sometimes like to take a piece of Scripture and make it mean whatever we want it to mean? Sometimes we glean ‘truth’ from our own understanding…whether we want to admit it or not. Sometimes we look solely at one verse and apply it to our lives without any consideration of what the verse actually means within the context it’s been written in.

I’m guilty of it.
Just the other day I had to take a second look at Galatians 1:10.

Am I now trying to gain the approval of people or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a slave of Christ!

It’s one of those go-to verses for me, a reminder that we shouldn’t care what other people think because they are not our master. We shouldn’t be seeking their approval above God’s approval. Okay…sure. I think that this is an important thing to be mindful of, but I’ve also realized how much gets lost if we only limit this verse to this general context.

Back up a bit and read all of Galatians 1 up until this point.
It’s this intense passage about perverting the Gospel. Have we distorted the Gospel? Are we preaching a gospel that is contrary to The Gospel? This verse (v. 10) isn’t just about pleasing God over people…but it has everything to do with the distortion of the Gospel.

Are we trying to please people so much in the way that we present Jesus that we do it in such a way that is faulty and incorrect? Do we become more concerned with how other people will perceive Christ that we sugar-coat, that we hold back, that we deny who He really is?

…if any one is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, let him be condemned to hell! (v. 9)

It’s clearly not to be taken lightly.
I wonder how often we distort the Gospel without even realizing it. I wonder how often we make the Gospel about something other than Jesus…or, rather, in addition to Jesus. That we don’t think Jesus is enough by Himself and so we have to come up with gimmicks, and experiences, and things that seem fun and alluring to people. We try to win their approval over the approval of God.

I know I’ve probably perverted the Gospel to make it more appealing to others. I don’t think it was always so intentional, but I know that that was the mindset: How do we make Jesus more appealing to others? Because I doubted that Jesus, by Himself, was enough. That He was enough to change lives, that He was enough to heal, that He was enough to bring hope to the hopeless.

I have to urge us all to get back to the Gospel. To get back to Jesus. To believe that He, by Himself, is enough. That He’s all we need. He, alone, is enough to offer to others…we don’t need anything else.

I suppose this post is two-fold.

  • I think it’s necessary to re-examine how we read Scripture. I didn’t have to go pull out commentaries or articles or find out what great theologians had to say about this passage… I simply had to read all of it. Consider that while you’re reading, while you’re listening, while you’re spending time with the Lord. Be willing to remain open- it may be the hundredth time you’ve read something, but it doesn’t mean there’s not truth to be gained. 
  • Be wary in how you present the Gospel. Even the slightest distortions can have huge ramifications. Believe that Jesus Christ is enough… it doesn’t have to be Jesus AND anything else. He doesn’t have to be packaged in a certain way to appeal to the masses. 
Maybe, at the core, our inability to let Jesus be enough unveils something deeper within us that needs to be addressed. 
Think about it. 
Think about how you read Scripture. 
Think about how you present Jesus. 
Let us not be perverters of the Gospel. 

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Crowded Rooms

Crowded rooms can be lonely.

It always feels like a bit of irony–that sometimes the loneliest moments are the times when you’re surrounded by the most people, eh? Instead of looking around and finding people that you can identify with and relate to, it’s almost as if you scan the room seeing only the things that make you different from everyone else. Instead of a longing to connect, you find yourself agonizing over the fact that you’re in a world of your own.

You watch them laugh and chit-chat with ease as you watch from the outside. You’ve never felt so alone. You try your hand at some small talk, but realize you were never meant for this kind of socializing. When it comes down to it, you don’t care about the weather or where this person is from or about school junk or job situations. You want more. You’re desperately searching to identify with someone on a deeper level and this is hardly the time and place in which to do it.

The loneliness sets in, buried below the smiles, nods and obligatory chuckles as you interact with others on the surface. It’s especially harder in Christian circles when matters of the heart are supposed to be the thing that take precedent over the superficial musings that lack eternal significance. So, instead of forging further into relationships with other believers, we find ourselves backing away. Maybe we’re not meant for this environment after all.

We return to our safe haven of literally being alone, and we find that we feel more comfortable, more at ease….and reassured to have made it there intact. Perhaps another day.

But instead of an openness, we find ourselves continually hardened and fully expecting the worst. We don’t even try the small talk anymore…but we have found ways to avoid it altogether. We’re disappointed with our reality and we don’t know how to change it. So we succumb. Maybe this is what it’s all about after all. Maybe we’re the ones who are wrong. If everyone else is satisfied maintaining this level of superficiality, maybe we’re the ones who are off. We suddenly find ourselves as a catalyst for perpetuating the shallow exchange among others… and it’s still lonely.

I’ve felt this way in the church and in Christian settings a lot. Lonely. Isolated. Different. Alien. That it’s somewhere I don’t belong. It’s especially evident during the dreaded ‘meet and greet’ time where I find myself shaking hands with those around me in the allotted five minute space–introducing myself, smiling broadly and asking people how they are and telling them how fine I am. I wonder how many times I’ve actually lied during that correspondence. It’s awkward and forced.

Perhaps the loneliness is due to a faulty expectation that Christians should immediately welcome me in with open arms and I should feel that as soon as I walk in the door. Perhaps it’s ideal, but I don’t know how realistic it is. Sometimes I also forget how resistant I am to even allow that to happen. Sometimes I forget that relationships take time and there’s no way I would immediately trust a stranger with my innermost heart issues and so why on earth would I expect them to do the same? Sometimes I forget that my own fears in inviting others to go deeper might very well be the same fears that keep them from doing the same. Sometimes I forget that maybe all the people in the room are not as different from me as they seem… perhaps they’re just better at playing the part than I am. Sometimes I forget that other people are people, too. That they’re sinners, that they’re broken, that they’re imperfect…and that they’re trying just hard as me to figure this all out.

I guess what I’m saying is that I realize a lot of my loneliness is stemmed from my own thoughts and fears. A lot of the loneliness in crowded rooms comes from me imposing those upon other people. I judge them, I immediately assume that I know what they are thinking and why they are thinking it. I alienate myself from them, assuring seclusion every time.

Consider it… the next time you’re feeling lonely in a crowded room.
Instead of focusing so much on ourselves and our own loneliness, I wonder what it might be like to consider that others probably feel the same way and to reach out instead of draw back. What if we initiated change? What if we initiated depth?

What if it wasn’t all about us and our own comfort…?

I guess I think the moment we stop looking at things so inwardly and seek to examine things rationally, that the voids might be filled with true laughter, joy, connection and fellowship. Instead of emptiness and solitude, we might find exactly what we’ve been hoping for. I think we’re foolish to assume that it comes easily and that it comes to us. I think, as with most things in life, that effort is required and necessary. We must walk boldly into crowded rooms. And we must not assume that the results will be instantaneous. We must be patient, we must persevere… and we must seek to know and love others before we concern ourselves with how loved and known we are.

It’s a shift in perspective.
It’s a necessary shift, if we hope to ever exist in a world of crowded rooms (or churches) without the loneliness consuming us.

Ask for boldness, for strength, for perseverance, for selflessness, for eyes to see those who are in need anytime you enter a setting where you feel uncomfortably surrounded by too many people. You’re not so different from all of them.

We all need Jesus.
Let’s not forget it.

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Opportunity Knocks

It sucks when they move on, doesn’t it?
Even if you don’t want them anymore…there’s still this pain that resurfaces when you realize that you’re no longer necessary, that you’re no longer part of the plan… that they no longer want you. It’s probably one of the hardest parts about breaking up. Admitting that there’s actually someone better out there for them than you.

The sting doesn’t ever seem to go away. Even though it’s been over a decade since some of my break-ups, there’s still the prick of a reminder that someone else was better suited for them. It fades, sure… but it’s still there.

It’s hard to not immediately go into my little pity party mode. It’s hard to look at things objectively and rationally and truly put others before myself. It’s hard to not think about the one million things that must be wrong with me that make me unable to maintain a relationship, or unable for someone to want to be with me for the long haul.

It’s actually funny how much I notice self-deprecation when it comes out in other people, but seem perfectly oblivious to it within myself. When others are hard on themselves or unable to see any sort of good that they have to offer, it’s so frustrating to me. How come they can’t see the good? How come they can’t believe in themselves? How come they have to be so consumed by the negative? I don’t get it. I’m not like that…

And then my eldest brother told me how I am like that. I am always putting myself down.
He’s right.
I do.
It’s this form of self-preservation, I think. Even the good things that happen to me, it can never happen because I’m actually good or talented or desirable–but there’s always a hidden motive, reason, excuse for why something good could actually happen to me. I’m too scared to ever hope for anything different.

I don’t believe in me.
And the break ups remind me that I wasn’t good enough. They’re proof that I cling to show the world I was right. The moving on allows me to believe that someone else will always be better than me. It perpetuates this spiral of thinking that I’ll always lose, I’ll always fail.

Self-fulfilling prophecy.

There’s an opportunity for things to be different. For me to be different. There’s that opportunity for you, too. The question always becomes about whether or not we want to change. It seems easier for me to mope and be sad and lonely, believing that I’m ultimately incapable of anything good or that people don’t genuinely care about me without any hidden motive. It’s much harder to go through life hoping and believing…when the risk of disappointment is so high. It’s much harder to keep going through life hoping and believing…even when there is disappointment and heartache.

I want to change.
Do you?
The self-loathing has to stop.  We can’t keep searching for every reason to feel sorry for ourselves, to think we’re failures, to feel like we’ll never get it right. From our ex’s moving on, to not getting a job, to getting a bad grade, to messing up a recipe… whatever big or small thing: these are not the things that define us.

My circumstances shouldn’t change who I am. My feelings shouldn’t change who I am.
I suppose it’s about time to start really believing that.
Let’s seize this opportunity for a second chance… another chance to be different, to believe in who we really are. And may that transform everything else…even when they move on.

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Slut City

A Ho-Ho.
That’s what I tried to be for Halloween one year. It was supposed to be sort of punny…because my name is Debbie and a popular snack is Little Debbie, and well, it failed because a Ho-Ho is actually Hostess, not Little Debbie. Really, it was just an excuse for me to go to college party and attempt to look attractive (like a ho….) without the traditional costumes of witches, and ghouls, and skeletons.

It’s somewhat mortifying to admit this to you.
I seriously attempted to dress up like a ho… you know, a whore… a slut… a prostitute? All in the good fun of playing on the snack ‘Ho-Ho’ which isn’t even a Little Debbie.

Fail.

If we’re being honest, my version of a Ho-Ho wasn’t as ho-hoish as you can get by anyone’s standards. With next to no cleavage, I believe my mini-skirt was the most revealing but still covered all the essentials fully and completely. My make-up was piled on and in an attempt to look attractive, I probably bordered on the fence of actually looking clownish.

It was my biggest moment of using Halloween as an excuse to dress sexy. It’s this weird phenomenon that my college roommates and I made fun of (after I did it, of course)….but it’s still happening. I’ve already seen it plastered over my Facebook newsfeed from the weekend.

Let’s throw all of our morality out the window on Halloween and since it’s just a costume, it gives us an excuse to flaunt it all. Or, as Mean Girls says it: ‘Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.’

Well, I’m going to say something about it. Maybe I feel like I can because I’ve done it. Maybe that just makes me a hypocrite. I don’t care.

Don’t dress slutty.
Anything that you wouldn’t normally wear in public (sexually speaking)…this night isn’t an excuse to wear it. If you’re anything like me, you might simply be thinking, ‘I want to look HOT on Halloween…not repulsive!’ We tend to jump from one extreme to the other. If I don’t want to be a bloody, gross monster what else could I possibly be aside from a sexual beast? By that I mean something feminine…which the world automatically turns into a sexy feast. If I want to be a nurse, or a doctor, or a school girl, or a maid, or… anything…it seems that the only acceptable woman costume means that it’s tight, low-cut, short and lacy.

It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other, my friends.
You can still look hot without looking like a slut.
You can still look hot while dressing modestly.

Don’t throw aside your morals, don’t throw aside what you know is right… just to appeal to the masses on some ridiculous costume fest of a night. There’s no excuse.

I suppose Mean Girls is right. You can dress like a total slut. The question now for you to answer is: should you?
You already know what I think, but I’m not the one dressing you tomorrow night.
After all… everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.
Seek to live a life of integrity… at all times and in all things.
Halloween is no exception.

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No Need for Pity

It’s windy.
And rainy.
Somewhat of an ominous feeling–particularly exciting for a Salem night a few days before Halloween. This place is witch city and the additional impending hurricane makes it all the more crazy (like a ghost town, actually). Fortunately we’re not really within the line of fire (although we attempted to make it into the NYC area today but the threats of squalls and floods deterred us).

Life has been pretty low-key lately. Filled with babies and television and family and food… can you really complain about that? It’s like one really long vacation, only less stressful and with some work stuff on the side.

The last few days I’ve realized how terrified I am about the future. Too terrified to want to make a decision that seems like a long-term commitment. It seems easier to play things by ear, to not settle down, to not decide on anything at all. Time is going by quickly though, and I’m left with some pretty big-time decisions ahead of me.

In the midst of this, I’ve also become very aware that I want a family. It’s something I always said I wanted, but, truth be told, I think I knew I always wanted a husband but felt okay without the additional responsibility of what kids would mean. Babies were frightening and unfamiliar, toddlers were screaming, walking, needy monsters, and teenagers were out of control, near-sighted mistake-makers. No part of raising children seemed super exciting… it only seemed like one sacrifice after another. I never felt competent enough to successfully get kids to adulthood, either.

But then I started hanging out with babies. And one of my brothers introduced me to Parenthood. And then I’ve spent the last 2 months with my family… and I’ve been increasingly thankful for each of them.

I want a family.
I want to have kids. I want to adopt kids. I want to be married. I want to go through the hard stuff of everything that entails…because I’ve seen the joy that also accompanies it. I see the way it refines and changes you and the way you learn to live a life outside of yourself.

And so I’m scared.
I’m scared that as I’m in this period of transition that I’m just waiting for a season of marriage and family to finally kick in. It seems stupid to be waiting though. It’s like I’m wasting time. I don’t want to live life waiting. I want to be proactively doing things that I know I am called to, that I know I am passionate about. So, in the process of trying to sort through what that even means for me, I want to erase this thought in the back of my mind that I’m still just biding my time…that I’m still just waiting.

My oldest brother and I talked a bit about it the other night. He said, ‘It seems like God has a best plan possible for you right now and for you to say that your plan is better than His is ridiculous.’  Which is true. And it’s what I’m doing. I’m essentially saying, ‘Okay God…I’ll do this other thing until you decide to do things my way…. because my plan is the better plan. My plan is what I want more than your plan’.

The hilarious part is that everything is different in hindsight. Looking back at the last ten years of my life, I don’t regret being single for a moment. I love the opportunities that I’ve been able to have, I love the job that I was able to do, I love the people that I got to meet, the places I was able to go… and so much of that was possible because I didn’t have a spouse or a family to worry about or to take care of. It was only what the Lord had for me.

So why can’t that continue to be my mindset?
Why can’t I continue to trust that the Lord is taking care of me, that His plan is best… even if that never entails the things I think I want right now? Why can’t I live that way without having to look back and acknowledge it was better?

It’s kind of this vulnerable spot for me right now.
Still admitting that I don’t have these things and that sometimes I desperately want them…and hoping that people don’t ever feel sorry for me in the process. 

The good news is that I don’t have to make any big-time decisions about my life today. But, when I do (which is sooner than I wish)…I’m going to walk in faith that the Lord does have a best possible plan for me right now, even if it doesn’t include what I think I want. I don’t have to live my life feeling like I’m waiting for something better to come along. Perhaps I might live, instead, with the mindset that wherever I am… it’s good. A balance of being content, yet still pushing on toward what lies ahead…without some preconceived notion of what that actually is.

It’s a funny, complicated thing.
In the meantime?
My big decision will be what kind of topping I want on my pizza. I do love pizza.

Don’t feel sorry for me.
I’m doing exactly what I need to be doing right now.
And it’s good. 

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Sexual and Immorality

In my last risque blog about the big ‘M’, someone responded, asking me about ridding ourselves completely of the things that cause of us to have sexual desires. Surely if we are guarding our hearts and minds against all temptation than there would never be a need for sexual release, right?

Isn’t that what it means to flee from sexual immorality? Isn’t that what it means to strive for holiness?

Is it?

Do we forget that sexual and immorality don’t always go hand in hand? Or do we automatically assume that when something is sexual that it’s immoral? It seems that we keep raising up a culture that trains us to think that sex is bad, wrong, and nothing we should want or desire. It’s wicked, is it not?

I hate this.
I really, really do.
I hate it because we’ve distorted something so good and turned it into evil…when it’s not. Is it because we don’t know how to teach about sex to our young people in a way that discourages them from messing around without just putting a ton of fear into them? Is it because we’re too scared of awkward and uncomfortable conversations? It is just easier to say that sex is bad, bad, bad and don’t even think about doing it before you’re married because you’ll either wind up pregnant, or with STDs, or emotionally scarred for life?

Do we forget the part where sex is actually good, good, good…the part where God blessed Adam and Eve and told them to be fruitful and multiply? Do we only know how to convey this through cheesy flower metaphors, telling young girls that every time they give a petal away that they’ll have less to give their husbands (inevitably causing those who have already disposed of their petals to be racked with a guilt that will be hard to shake for the rest of their lives)?

I know there are truths in all of this. I know there is damage to be done the more sexually promiscuous we are–emotionally, physically, spiritually. I just don’t think the ways we have taught about it have been the most beneficial. Have we not just created a culture where Christians are desperate to have sex so they get married when they’re still teenagers? Have we not created an environment where rebellion is alluring? Have we not, simultaneously, created an army of people striving for desexualization?

How do we encourage people that sex is worth waiting for? How do we encourage them that it’s better within the context of an emotionally and spiritually intimate marriage? Without the threats and the fears that so often accompany it? Without the negativity thrown in, causing so many young people to believe that sex, at the core, is bad. And with that mindset, how do you ever really recover?

We’ve cheapened sex. By being too sexually active with anyone and everyone…and also by believing anything having to do with sex is wrong and bad.

This is where I challenge you to strip away the things that other people have told you about sex. Rid yourself of the things that your friends, your parents, your teachers, your pastors, your teammates, the books have told you. Go to scripture. Find out for yourself what the Bible says about this topic. Maybe you’ll find out that much of what you’ve been told/taught is true. Maybe you’ll find out the opposite.

Paul reminds us in 1 Thessalonians 5 to examine all things and to hold onto what is good. Are you examining all things? Or are you just clinging to the things that sound good?

Don’t let good things get distorted into evil.
Don’t let bad things get distorted into good.
There is truth to be found–and you need to seek it. For yourself.
Don’t take the easy way out in this. We miss out on entirely too much, live our lives in guilt and shame, or let the sin swallow us whole.

And maybe you’ll find that sexual and immorality don’t always go hand and hand after all.

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Worth Living

I’m not always sure of my salvation.

I feel like I’m supposed to be sure. But I’m not. I never have been.
It seems that no matter what I do or think or believe or say, that’s there’s always room for Jesus to say, ‘I never knew you‘.

When I admit things like this, I feel as though people quickly try to ‘save’ me. They try to assure me. Or else they judge me: What kind of Christian doesn’t know they are saved? 

I guess I’m that kind of Christian.
I guess I’m the kind of Christian who struggles with doubt… almost all the time. Faith has never come easily to me.

I remember a communion service we had a camp this summer. It was a different sort of communion than anything I had ever participated in before…and it was good. It was more of a feast than a ‘eat-your-small-cracker-and-1-oz.-of-grape-juice’ type of communion. People shared the different attributes and characteristics of God that they were most thankful for and each time one was mentioned, everyone  toasted and ate and drank together. It was joyful and happy.

It was good… but it wasn’t something I could personally handle at that point. I left. For as I kept hearing people stand up and confidently speak of up about all the things they were thankful for about God, I felt numb and unsure.

I found safety several feet away from the service on a picnic table and let the tears flow. A prayer that has etched itself onto my heart subconsciously flowed from my lips: I do believe…help my unbelief! Because I do believe…but I don’t. Not to the fullness of which I know I could…or should. I find myself desperately pleading that He will answer that prayer. That I’ll no longer have the moments of doubt that repeatedly plague me.

And then I heard this song wafting my way:

…And life is worth the living, just because He lives. 

It hit me that my anguish over my own lack of faith might not be the most important thing. As I sat there and let those words roll over me, I made a commitment. Even if I don’t believe as unswervingly, as assuredly as I’m maybe supposed to….or as much as other people do…it doesn’t change the way I live. Even if I get to the gates of heaven and Jesus says, ‘I never knew you’, it doesn’t change the way I live.

How can this be?
It became very apparent to me that I was more concerned about my own salvation than most things. That sometimes the fear of the unknown in this area was debilitating. I was more concerned with the sake of believing in Jesus because I wanted my own assurance…over simply believing in Jesus because He is. It was more about what I could gain out of this relationship, out of my obedience…and if eternal life wasn’t the end goal then what was the point?

As I continue searching, digging, seeking…as I continue living… I’ve realized that no matter the end goal, it can’t change how I live. Life is worth living, just because He lives. Even if I can’t always wrap my head around it, even if I don’t always know what the fullness of what that means, even if I doubt… He’s still worth it. Even if I get nothing out of it, even if I die and eternal life is not my reward…I’ve decided it’s okay.

I don’t know if you’re a doubter like me. I don’t know if you spend a lot of time wrapped up in guilt over it, or fearful that you’re not truly saved. I’d encourage you to keep pressing on, keep walking faithfully…even when the faith feels absent from you. He’s always proven faithful to me, even in the smallest of ways. It seems that once I let go of this obsession over whether or not I was saved, whether not I had all the right answers or was doing everything right… there was a peace that transcended. A peace in knowing that life is simply worth living, because He lives.

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The Big ‘M’

Can you talk about the big ‘M’ without offending someone? Can you talk about it without being too crass or perverse or inappropriate?

I’m going to try to today…and I hope I don’t offend any of my readers. It’s been a topic that’s been brought up more than once and I’ve been too much of a coward to blog about it. I want to talk about it now because I fear the stigma surrounding it lends itself to something we only avoid discussing, when maybe we should do the opposite.

Masturbation.
The word itself is hard to say, look at, type.
I remember the first time that I heard it in a movie and I innocently asked my three older brothers and my mom what it meant. They told me to look it up in the dictionary. I did, but the words failed me. I didn’t grasp the meaning behind it and so I lost interest.

It wasn’t until a few years later when it all started clicking. ‘Oh, that means that??’
I can’t say I blamed my family for avoiding the awkward conversation in the middle of enjoyable family time…I probably would have done the same.

It’s a word that is dirty, shameful, repulsive.
Or, at least that’s what many of us have been trained to think.

There’s much debate over the issue, especially in Christian circles. It seems you either stand on the side of it being undoubtedly a sin, or you stand on the side of it being no big deal. There’s probably a few of us in the middle… and that’s where I stand.

I see both sides of the argument–but I’m not convinced that either are entirely correct. There’s not a lot (or any) biblical stance on this specific issue either. Many might argue that the scriptures on lust are applicable to masturbation…and sometimes they probably are. I could never say that they always are though. There are instances where I think it can be especially harmful to someone, but sometimes I think our bodies are in need of a sexual release.

I’ve had many a girl shamefully confide in me about this secret habit…and my heart breaks for them. Not necessarily because of what they are doing/have done, but because of the shame and humiliation that surrounds it. There are usually always tears, and there’s always the fears of being thought of differently that accompanies such a confession. It makes me ticked off at society… probably our Christian world than anything else. Masturbation, especially among women, is simply not something we do.. let alone something we ever talk about, right? And so, rather than exist in a fellowship where we can openly discuss hard topics and figure out where we stand on these issues, so many women vow to never speak of it. No one else has to know…it’s soon a hidden, dark secret. The more hidden it is, the more it affects us in negative ways. It becomes a slippery slope.

I usually approach conversations with girls about masturbation in whatever way I feel like they need me to. Meaning, if you think it’s a sin…I’m not going to tell you it’s not. If you don’t think it is, I’m not going to tell you that it is. I think both can be true. Most importantly, I want you to know why you think it’s a sin….just like I want you to know why you think anything might be a sin. Sometimes I think we get too carried away in what other people are telling us is sin vs. finding out for ourselves what is and what isn’t. And… isn’t it possible (or just true) that sometimes what’s sin for me is not sin for you and vice versa??

But, as far as masturbation goes…
Here are the instances where I think it can be especially harmful:

  • in Lust (I would say if you’re masturbating to pornography, this would be a big clue… or if you’re thinking about someone while doing it)
  • Addiction (the lack of self-control… of feeling like you need to do it all the time, that you can’t stop)
  • Loneliness (letting it fill some sort of void, trying to get fulfillment from it)
  • Impatience (not wanting to wait for the pleasure of what sex can bring)
  • Control (doubting God’s goodness in your life and His desire for you to ever have sex…so you’ll just take matters into your own hands)
Be willing to ask yourself some hard questions (especially if you are in the midst of quietly dealing with this)
  • Is it always out of lust? 
  • Is it always out of your control?
  • Is it because you are lonely? 
  • Is it because you’re impatient? 
  • Is it because you want control? 
Can it be done without any of these interfering? And, if so, could it ever be okay? 
Could it ever be in God’s design?
Is there ever mention of it in Scripture? 
I don’t want to lead you astray in any way… and I know this is a controversial subject. I just want you to be rooted in what God says about it… not what others say about it (like anything else in life). 
Dig deep.
Seek the Lord. 
Don’t rationalize the things that you truly believe are sin. Flee from those things.
But don’t wallow in guilt because someone else told you to. Bring everything into the light…and there you will find healing, answers…. hope. Every time. 
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