Author: debbie beal

My house currently hosts ‘The Bachelor’ parties every Monday night.

Before you get all judgy on me, though, I want to assure you that these nights were established before I ever moved on. You can resume judging me now because you can also be assured that I was already hooked on the show prior to my transition up here. It was actually a perfect fit.

Regardless, it’s been a hilarious show to watch among mixed genders. We have strict guidelines while we watch, of course. No talking during the show (unfortunately we aren’t always the best at following this one). During commercial breaks we immediately mute the television and debrief everything we just saw, including predictions over who the bachelor is going to kick off that night.

It’s a serious matter. Lots of depth, thought and energy goes into our psychoanalysis of each contestant. This particular season has been one of interesting speculations and hypotheses. Mostly I’m just disappointed that I didn’t try to get on this season, as I’m quite sure Sean was the man I was meant to be with (just kidding, Mom).

I’ll probably have more to say about this show, especially as it nears the end and has a million great examples of what not to do in relationships…but this particular post I want to focus in on kissing. Yep. Kissing (well, and other physical things). Every week we watch Sean kiss five hundred girls and most of us cringe every time it happens. It just always seems bad…which naturally produces at least one or two comments about kissing every night we watch The Bachelor.

Here’s what I want to say to you about it:
Kissing can be a bigger deal than you might think it is, in the moment. While, sure, it can seem fairly harmless… I think there’s a lot that goes on physiologically once we start making out. In fact, I’m not really sure our bodies are all that prepared to go into kissing mode and then stop at that. It’s pretty natural for kissing to quickly progress into a whole other realm of possibilities.

No, this isn’t a blog about how you shouldn’t kiss. I’m not against kissing. But, I do think you need to be super careful with it…and that sometimes there are probably occasions and situations in which you should definitely not be kissing.

For example…
I’ve been a ‘ducker’ in my past.
You know… the girl who probably teases a guy to the point where he thinks that if he goes for it, he’ll probably land a kiss…and then when he actually tries, I duck? I don’t mean to…I honestly don’t. But, sometimes it happens. There’s a pretty vivid moment in my history where, during high school, I was all cuddling with a guy in a movie theatre and when we headed back to the car afterward he, of course, thought he was going to get a kiss. I had given him no reason to believe otherwise. But, I just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t feel ready. I didn’t even really want to. I wasn’t sure I liked him. So, he tried. I ducked.

This is one way to really emasculate a guy, in case you’re wondering. But, for some stupid reason, I felt bad about the situation and so I recanted my non-kissing stance with him and encouraged him to try again. I should have never changed my mind. Worst Kiss Ever. Seriously. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad it was, and I definitely don’t want to try to describe it. Just trust me.

I kissed him because I felt guilty for not kissing him. And I regretted it.
I wonder how often we are prone to do things like this. Not even just in regard to kissing…but other physical things with either our boyfriends or other guys that we somehow find ourselves in back seats with. Feeling guilty for not giving them what we think they want, and so we find ourselves compromising, giving in, and making decisions that we inevitably regret. I wonder how often we make these decisions because, on some level, it also just feels good to have someone want us physically. Maybe it makes us feel beautiful, or desirable, or sexy… or whatever it is.

And this is where I have to urge you to be careful. To not do things out of guilt. To not do things because it makes you feel good about yourself. To not compromise. There have to be things that you are set on, rigid in, ground in. Before you go on a date, set some boundaries for yourself. I promise that if he’s a cool guy, you’ll get another chance to kiss him… and if he’s not, you’ll be glad you didn’t.

This is one of those times where living in the moment is usually a bad idea.

This matters.
Purity matters.
And the things that can easily lead to tearing that away from you are better to be avoided.
You are called to holiness…being set apart.

Please, by all means, watch The Bachelor and laugh about it (but not if it messes up your heart and your head and makes you think things about love that simply aren’t true)… but don’t go try to live it out yourself. Don’t go around kissing randos and flirting with boundaries and rationalizing that ‘just because you aren’t having sex‘ that it’s all okay. It’s not. Plus, there’s all that stuff in between kissing and sex that you might be trying to justify, while knowing that it’s not okay at all for you to be doing.

If you’re in the midst of it, stop (I know, I know… easier said than done. At least talk to someone about where you’re at…openly and honestly).
If you know you’re entering into a situation where temptation is likely, pull out. Ask someone to hold you accountable (someone who you trust…someone who has the same values as you).
If you feel too far gone, talk to someone about it. My inbox is always open, but I imagine you have someone else close to you that can be a good, wise ear for you. You’re not too far gone. Of that, I am sure.

I realize this is a big topic and that there’s a lot left to talk about. But, for right now I want you to know that you should never feel guilted into doing things, that you should be cautious when making sexual decisions quickly and spontaneously, and that there’s always hope even if you feel like you’re stuck in the midst of some bad stuff. There’s redemption. There’s second chances. There’s freedom.

And when you duck? Trust your gut. Don’t change your mind. Be thankful that your body was reacting before your head got a chance to over-think things too much.

Stand firm in these things.
You won’t regret it.

After a post like yesterday’s, I always feel super vulnerable and pathetic.

I’ll get the occasional pity text or email where people check in to make sure I’m ‘doing okay’. It’s nice and all… but not necessary. And when I run into people who I know might have read my blog, I always wonder if they’re feeling sorry for me, or what conclusions that they’ve made about me. It’s especially awkward with people who I don’t actually know that well (which is almost everyone here at this point) and yet they know these deep wounds of mine. It’s why blogging is ridiculous, on some level.

But, the purpose of the post wasn’t for people to pity me, or know a ton about my life just for the sake of knowing it. I believe there’s a lot more going on in the blogging than I’m even aware of… and I continue to pray that it would be a forum in which my being honest allows others to relate and feel hopeful, and ultimately be reminded of who Jesus is.

There’s a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head lately… a lot of emotions…a lot of confusion. But, in all of that there’s been a steady reminder that sometimes all I need to worry about is today. With deadlines and tests looming in the future, with getting anxious about what could be and what might be… I’ve been assured that today has enough going on that I need to focus on.

Matthew 6, right?
That passage we recite to ourselves about worry and anxiety and typically it doesn’t do a whole lot of good. It’s become one of those that I just roll my eyes at because I’ve heard it so many times and it doesn’t seem to do a lot when I get caught up in the middle of an anxiety attack, freaking out about something that is actually minute but seems catastrophic at the time.

But, what if we really took it to heart?
What if…when you wake up today, you actually set aside all the things that happen outside of today and didn’t let your mind worry about them? What if we set goals for ourselves that were just for today without getting too overwhelmed by the word ‘forever’? What if we begged that the Lord would help us in these choices, these actions, these things that we need to do… for today? That we trusted Him to be our portion, to sustain us, to fulfill us…?

It can happen with a lot of things…

• Maybe you’re stressed out about feeling like you need to lose weight. Instead of feeling the daunting task of what it will look like to lose weight over weeks and months, focus on today. What can you do, today, to make healthy choices? How can you eat better? How can you exercise? Today… not for the rest of this week, not tomorrow, not for the next month… but today? 
• Maybe you’re anxious about a relationship. Maybe it’s ended and you know you need to cut off ties. Instead of looking at the long term of life without this person and letting the overwhelming loss of that consume you, focus on today. Get through today. Don’t call them, don’t text them, don’t email them, don’t stalk their Facebook. Just for today. 
• Maybe you’re a student or in a job and you feel overwhelmed when you think about the deadlines and tests and all the things that have to get done in a certain amount of time. Do what you need to do today and be a good steward of your time. Don’t get wrapped up in what you need to do in two weeks or the end of the semester, but plan accordingly and do whatever needs to get done today without worrying about how the rest of it is all going to happen. It’ll happen. 

Ask yourself each day what matters for the day.
And, hopefully, each day we have one thing at the top of the list that everything else flows from.

Today.
It’s a good day.
A day that the Lord has made.
You’ve been given new mercy every morning.
Praise Him.

Honesty, you say?
You value it? You want it?
Okay.
What I’m about to write is very near to my heart and hard for me to admit. But, I do believe that somewhere, somehow, in some way that the Lord can use it for good and so I feel inclined to share. It’s probably nothing that will surprise you, especially if you’re an avid reader of mine… but it doesn’t make it any easier to confess.

I’m an idolater.

The gross reality of my current state has been alarming to me recently, yet not exactly surprising. I’m 28 and I’m single. While I spend a majority of my time convincing others (probably unsuccessfully) that I’m fine with it, I realized that I had only been trying to fool myself. This weekend the mask came crashing down and I was hit by the pain of my singleness. And, beyond that, I was hit with the stark realization that I have made an idol out of desperately trying (whether in thought or action) to not be single any longer. It was consuming.

I was heading to my brother’s house to babysit for my nephew, chuckling at the irony of how I’d be the one crying instead of the four-month-old. It seemed a fitting evening…an evening to wallow in my own misery and despair. To allow myself to really feel the pain that I had been denying existed. My brother saw through my fake smile and immediately probed further to find out what was going on with me. The questions brought up more tears and I shamefully admitted to my brother and sister-in-law how pathetic I felt, how hopeless I felt, how desperate I felt…and how this pain felt truly insignificant in the grand scheme of life. Why did I even have to care about this? I was frustrated.

As I talked about just wanting to not desire a male companion or a family, my brother gently reminded me that these desires aren’t bad. That when we don’t get something we want, our natural tendencies are to go really hard after it, or to pretend that we never wanted it at all. We often live in the extremes because it helps us deal with the pain better. But, sometimes we need to sit in the tension of wanting something even if we aren’t getting it…to not deny ourselves our desires, but to not try to control them and make things happen that don’t need to be happening. He was right. It is harder to sit in this tension of wanting but not having…

I don’t necessarily know the fullness of what that even looks like, but I know that I have to exist in that right now. Wanting, but not having. Wanting, but not controlling. Wanting, but not pretending that I don’t want. Wanting, but not idolizing…not letting it consume me.

I got a chance to talk to two older, single women recently and as I confessed this wound to them, they expressed their own, similar wounds. I’m not alone in this pain. I’m not alone in this tension. One talked about feeling as though she was always waiting for this missing key (a husband) before really selling out to the Lord. That she had heard a voice calling her toward missions, but she kept waiting for the last piece of the puzzle before she felt like she could go. Another discussed a decision to go abroad and how she had unknowingly made a deal with the Lord. A deal that essentially said, ‘If you’re not going to give me a husband to do mission work with, then you’ll provide someone along the journey for me.’ But there was no one, and it wasn’t until there was no one that she realized the deal that she had conjured up, even though it was one the Lord had never agreed to.

These are the things we do.
And as we get older, the pain thickens and we choose to cope with it in different ways. We deny. We throw ourselves at men. We manipulate. We control. We pretend like men don’t matter (even though we think they’re all that matters). We make our careers our number one priority (to avoid the fact that we’re alone). We strike up deals with the Lord. We’re either masking the pain or we’re overcompensating for it. We slowly become women we don’t even recognize.

I’ve become an idolater, placing this idea of an earthly relationship above God. Wanting it more than Him. Caring about it more than Him. Thinking about it more than Him.

I’m slowly becoming a woman I don’t recognize. A woman I don’t want to be.
It’s awful to admit.

And this is where I must surrender.
This is where I must hold loosely.
This is where I must trust Jesus and exist in the better plan that He has for me.
This is where I must beg that only He would be my savior and that I would learn, especially in my time of singleness, what it means to be content…what it means to believe that He is enough…what it means to let Him be my portion.
This is where I must sit in the tension. Where I must sit in the pain of wanting and not having…and continually take it to Him… again…and again…and again.

Ultimately, I would beg that my heart and mind would be so focused on the Lord that everything else would truly be considered rubbish next to knowing Him. That there would be no more room for idols in my heart.

May we become women we don’t necessarily recognize, because we are becoming a fuller version of who we were always meant to be. As we exist in the tension, may we find God to be the fullness of who He truly is: good, sovereign, faithful, redeeming, gentle, love….willing to take our shattered hearts and tenderly mend them and mold them.

There’s hope for change.
I don’t have to be this woman caught in idolatry any longer.
The power of Christ reminds me of that.
And I hope it reminds you of that, too.

I went swing dancing last night.

Let’s be clear… my dance history includes a few classes at the age of 5 and my high school show choir years. My swing dance history includes a couple random gatherings with some camp folk in my early days as a counselor when a some of the guys taught us how to do some fun moves. All that to say, I felt like a pro heading into the occasion…

We made it in time for a few lessons before the actual dancing kicked off. After a man who was dressed up as cupid (who also could have been Santa if he’d had a beard) showed me the basic triple-step, I was ready to dance. While our guy-to-girl ratio was off a bit, there were a few guys with us so the night wasn’t as awkward as it could have been. Despite not really knowing any of them before entering into the evening, there was a still a certain comfort in dancing with guys where you at least have some idea of their background.

But then there were the songs where all of ‘our’ guys were dancing and so you hung out on the sideline and waited for someone to ask you to dance or for the next song to roll around. These were the moments of intense awkwardness. At least for me…

Because, even if I was asked by someone, I was more worried about what my feet were or were not doing than I was about carrying on a conversation with the strange man who I was holding hands with and swaying back and forth with. One guy encouraged me to not look at my feet, but to look into his eyes instead. It was complete with the hand motion.

I couldn’t decide which was worse, honestly. Standing around waiting to be asked, or dancing with the random men. As I waited, I quickly reverted back to a middle school version of myself internally. I was immediately sabotaged with all the reasons why someone wouldn’t ask me to dance.

Maybe they had seen me dancing and knew I was incompetent. Or maybe I just wasn’t attractive enough. Or maybe I just looked unfriendly. Or maybe I wasn’t making eye-contact enough. Or… or… or…

Ultimately I knew that the not being asked was worse, on some level. Because it fed a deeper insecurity: why won’t anyone pick me?

It’s a thought that can swallow you whole and take you down a spiral of more self-degradation, as you dwell on the negatives and subconsciously choose to forget about the times that you have been chosen, wanted, picked. In the moment of choosing to focus on the not being picked, I was suddenly in a place where rational thought escaped me.

And it’s a battle I fear most of us women fight, no matter what our current circumstances are. That there’s this question that’s burrowed down that we still keep asking, even when we are in the midst of relationships. This desire to feel wanted, worth it, chosen….picked. It’s a question that surfaces at random times and in random places, a question that’s often void of the rational thought. A question that’s form changes, but is intrinsically the same thing. Will you love me? Will you pick me? Will you choose me? Am I worth it? Am I desirable? Does anyone want me? 

It’s rooted deep.
It’s a question of identity.
A desperate searching to know that somewhere in the midst of this giant world that we have a place, that we are not forgotten, that we matter to someone. That someone picked us.
In that, we find value. We find purpose. We find comfort. So, naturally, when someone isn’t picking us we are quick to believe that we aren’t enough. Or that we’re too much. Or we’re doing something wrong. Or that we’re too this… or that… or… or… or…

But, it’s bogus.
I don’t want to be the person who lectures you on what it means to find your identity in Christ because in the times when you feel the most lost and most undesirable, I haven’t found that to be the most comforting. It’s this thing that I know, but my heart hasn’t fully absorbed that truth.

So as I thoroughly enjoyed my evening, despite this question that had poked at me occasionally throughout the night, I knew there was something else that had to be done. Instead of reminding myself of who I am in Jesus and how I’m chosen and wanted by the King…I took it to Him. As I drove home alone, I turned the radio off and began to talk to Jesus.

It was casual and non-sensical at times, but it was me telling Him where I was at. Audibly. It wasn’t long before tears were streaming down my face as I admitted out loud the wounds of my heart and the question I longed to be answered. It was raw. It was ugly. But it was good… and necessary.

Identity isn’t as easy as putting a stamp on our foreheads stating that we are, indeed, rooted in Christ. I wish it were. But it’s a question that I imagine we’ll continue to struggle with, especially as we wrestle with relationships (or lack of relationships) here on earth. It’s easy for me to tell you that in HIM you are this list of things… and while those things are true, I think that we miss something when we forget to just take this question the Lord. When we forget to urge each other to take it to the Lord.

Maybe you’re not asking this question right now….but maybe you are. Maybe you’re struggling with not feeling loved, not feeling chosen, not feeling picked, not feeling like your spouse or your significant other is making you feel this way. Take it to the Lord.

Get alone.
Be in the quiet.
Be willing to be real, to be honest, to allow the truth of where your heart is to surface out loud. It’s scary to admit. And the truth is often ugly. But, it’s good. It’s necessary. Because, in this revealing, I think this is where the Lord does healing. It’s in this time that He reminds us of who we are to Him. For, I think, it’s only He that can.

Open up to Him.
And maybe the truth will take root in our hearts more and more each time.

I’ve already been picked.
And when I feel like that’s not enough, I’ll turn off my radio and talk to Jesus about it. For He continues to be faithful when I am faithless, when I am an adulterer, when I am an idolater, when I am selfish, when I am searching for something or someone other than He.
Because it’s only He who speaks life, and truth, and worth into me.

Take it to the Lord.

‘Santa’ gave me pepper spray for Christmas.
While I initially thought it was because I was moving from the middle-of-nowhere to a big city and ‘he’ wanted me to be able to protect myself, I think it was actually aimed toward taking out any guy who has ever hurt me…and doing it on Valentine’s Day.

Why, you ask?
Because it looks like this:

But, really… as much as I’m kidding (just about the purpose for the spray, of course…I absolutely own this now), I’m always surprised by the vehement anger that seems to surround this holiday. People hate it. They deck out in black, or make bold anti-love statements, or cheesy ‘we should love all the time and not just once a year’ declarations. Sometimes they hold ex-bashing parties, or flaunt their ‘S-A-D’ statuses (you know, Single Awareness Day…).

And as much as some people hate it, some people love it. It’s actually quite fascinating. My own thoughts on the holiday obviously change, depending on my relationship status. For example, when my roommate asked me if I wanted to do dinner and Grey’s Anatomy tomorrow night, I said, ‘Sure!’ wondering why it was such a ‘formal’ invite to a casual/normal evening at our house. It then dawned on me that tomorrow was actually Valentine’s Day. Ohhhhh….. now I have plans. I see what she did there.  In my singleness, I’d completely forgotten that the day was approaching, which is a very different tune than ones I’ve sung the past few years.

Because when you’re dating someone (or ‘talking’ to someone, or married to someone, or engaged to someone…or, whatever other terms you kids use these days), all of that changes. Suddenly there’s expectation. Suddenly, no matter how much we claimed to hate Valentine’s Day and other ridiculous romantic gestures, there’s a small part of us that wants to be treated just a little better on this day…we want to feel a little more special… and little more loved. And, when we’re in a relationship we sort of expect it to happen. (And, when we’re not… we sort of still hope that some dream guy will appear out of nowhere and catch us off guard and sweep us off our feet. Crazier things have happened, right?)

After a few years of not being single on Valentine’s Day, I’m honestly a bit relieved to be single again. There’s no expectation this year. There’s no room for someone to mess up, for someone to disappoint, for someone to try to achieve the impossible of doing something right. We get these ideas in our head of our version of the perfect Valentine’s Day extravaganza and we expect our significant other to read our mind. If he takes me here, if he gives me this, if he says this, if he does this, if he surprises me in this way…then it will be perfect!

What if he doesn’t, though?
Are you content? Are you happy? Are you thankful?
What if he does the exact opposite of what you were hoping he might do? What if things don’t play out in reality the way that you had played them out in your mind (even if he does everything ‘right’…)?

I said this last year, and I’ll say it again: for all of the women in relationships–I hope you’ll let your men do whatever they want to for you on Valentine’s Day. I hope that you don’t impose your own hopes/ideals upon him and strip him of his own creativity and individuality. I hope that you’ll let him show you that he cares about you in the way that he wants to show you that he cares about you. And I hope that will be enough for you. I hope that you’ll recognize the time, the effort, the thought, the energy he put into trying to make you feel special. I hope that if he didn’t do anything crazy unusual, that you would be satisfied in knowing that it probably isn’t a reflection of how he actually feels about you (after all….Valentine’s Day is just another day, in the grand scheme of life….).

Single ladies: I hope you’ll just let this day be another day as well. That you’ll let it pass without much angst or depression or excuses to wallow in your singleness (or maliciously attack all your ex-boyfriends). Enjoy the fact that you don’t have to worry about this holiday right now, enjoy the fact that you can hang out with friends and not have ridiculously impossible expectations for someone to meet that will inevitably leave you disappointed (I may just be talking to myself here…). Just enjoy life. Enjoy being single right now, for this season of your life. Don’t get caught up in worrying or being sad or being jealous of all your friends who are in relationships.

Bottom line?
There’s a heck of a lot more to life than Valentine’s Day and everything going ‘just right’. No matter where you fall on the spectrum of either loving or hating this day, or being in a relationship or not…I hope we do not lose track of the thing that matters most in life. I hope we would not be so consumed with ourselves and the things we think we deserve that we forget what we actually deserve and what we have been saved from through Jesus.

Because, in the grand scheme of life… Valentine’s Day is just another day.
A day to live with no regret. A day to live as a servant, a follower, a teacher, a comforter, a counselor, a friend, a giver…a day to live life to the fullest, seizing every opportunity to place others above yourself.

Don’t get so caught up in the grips of a consumeristic love that you forget what it means to truly love. Don’t get so caught up in demanding that others love you that you forget to love others first.

Go forth.
Enjoy Valentine’s Day… as any other day. Let go of the expectations, let go of the self-pity… and live a life that exudes the Gospel, as a servant of Jesus Christ and not yourself.

Remember when I Just Did It?
Remember when I walked through the fears and the second-guessing and invited you to journey with me in that?
Remember when I left my job and I didn’t know what the heck I was going to do?
Remember when I went to Africa?
Remember when I moved to New England and started graduate school after 6+ years of avoiding higher education?
Remember how it was terrifying every step of the way?

But guess what?
I don’t think this transition could have been any easier for me.

The word I keep coming back to is: blessed.
I feel blessed. In all things surrounding the last several months of my life…since making the decision to leave something I knew well and step into the unknown, in settling into a new life full of new opportunities and new people.

Blessed.

It’s been this incredible time of experiencing the Lord’s provision in my life…in all aspects. Things seem to be falling into my lap, and I can’t help but be completely grateful that I am where I am for such a time as this. What’s been especially beautiful to experience is the way that I now see how the Lord has prepared me for the various things and people that I’m encountering. There’s much to learn still, and I eagerly anticipate what this season of preparation will entail and the new things I will grow in as I’ve already been enlightened by so much in just a few weeks.

I’ve been a little overwhelmed by the people who have told me how this is inspiring to them, or how they admire me for being willing to start all over and embrace change…. but, on some level, it feels ridiculous and laughable. I haven’t done anything great or mind-blowing… and I certainly haven’t done any of this on my own.

I guess I want to continue to encourage you to move toward better.
I want to encourage you to get ‘un-stuck’.
I know, in some ways, that’s what camp was for me. It was a place that I could have stayed forever, it was a place that was hard for me to imagine ever leaving. In some ways, I felt ‘stuck’ and I wanted to stay ‘stuck’. I liked my life there and it was hard to imagine that anything else could be better.

But I didn’t know.
And I think a lot of times we like to stay ‘stuck’. That may mean ‘stuck’ in an actual place, like camp was for me….but it could also mean a job, a house, a city, a mindset, a life-style, a relationship. We all have things that we get ‘stuck’ in. Things that we, oftentimes, like to stay ‘stuck’ in…because it’s what we know, it’s what seems easier… we can’t imagine anything else being better.

Things can always be better, though (especially when we know we are being called to somewhere/something different and we’re just trying to avoid it…).
Being willing to get un-stuck and move toward that better is part of the key.
I’ve done no great thing.
But, I got un-stuck. I moved into the unknown and I’ve experienced the provision that’s accompanied the journey… and I’m blessed. I can’t imagine it going any better, honestly.

And I want that for you.
I want you to be willing to step away from the things/places you feel ‘stuck’ in and to experience an even greater joy as you trust God with your finances, your comforts, your relationships, your job, your life. I want you to be willing to step further into the things that you are called to do because you’re trusting unswervingly in the God who saves, heals, protects, redeems, provides and continues to be faithful when we are, oftentimes, faithless.

Many of you have expressed a desire to just go and do something different, but feel crippled by not knowing where to even begin. Look at the things you feel ‘stuck’ in…and then consider what it would take to get ‘un-stuck’. Look at the things you are passionate about, gifted in, skilled at….and see how you can use those things to bring God more glory.

I think you’ll be surprised when you’re willing to step out.
I think you’ll experience a greater understanding of who Christ is as you learn to trust Him in new ways.
I think you’ll be blessed beyond what you ever thought possible, in ways that you weren’t even expecting or hoping for.

Get un-stuck.
It’s the best.

As much as I pride myself on being honest, I’m actually quite terrible at it.

I get a lot of comments about how thankful people are for my honesty through this forum, but, if I’m being honest… I don’t always feel so honest. I only tell you what I feel comfortable telling you, and the rest is left for me and a few close friends (and, the Lord, obviously…). I think that’s probably good though.

Because, as much as I’d like to be straight up honest all the time, there are certain instances where it gets pretty tricky. Like…

• Telling someone you like them.
• Telling someone you don’t like them. 
• Telling someone how you’ve done something that hurts them/might ruin your relationship with them.
• Telling someone how you’ve ruined something important of theirs.
• Telling someone about your sin/junk in your life.
• Telling someone about how they’ve hurt you/others.

Some of the greatest heartaches can happen when you’re not even in a relationship. 

He said: The love of God is not His pining for your happiness…it’s His resolving the sin problem.

There’s been some debate among people recently on how successful long-distance relationships can be.

Some tend to argue that they are doomed to fail and there’s no point of entering into them. Others are quite optimistic…granted, these are usually the people that are currently in them. I’m hardly one to make blanket statements about topics that clearly have evidence of success in them, but I would have to agree that the long-distance relationship presents some unique challenges. It doesn’t mean they’re impossible, though. I just think there are things to be wary of upon entering into said relationship.

Here’s my list of things to consider/be cautious of when you find yourself either entertaining the idea of jumping into this relationship or already in the midst of one:

• Idealization: Because you’re not really spending as much time with the person as you might be if you lived in the same place, it’s easy to place a lot of things upon them and it’s easy to forget a lot of things about them. For example…he may be really messy, but because you never have to see his house or his room, you forget this tiny detail that actually drives you crazy. In your head you’ve decided that he’s probably cleaner than you think and you must have imagined the messiness….and since you’re not really around the messiness much, you truly believe this. Or, maybe he has certain habits that annoy you, but over video chat you can’t really tell that he’s a slob while he eats. And yes, both these examples are superficial and things that don’t really matter, but they are little things that can easily worm their way into many an argument. It isn’t always superficial, though. Sometimes the way they talk about things isn’t a true representation of how they actually are…and so while you’re only getting to hear them talk, you aren’t getting to really see or experience the way they are truly living….which leads us to my next point. 

• Other Relationships: I think it’s pretty crucial to see how your significant other interacts with other people on a normal basis. When you’re only in town for a weekend and meeting his family and friends for a hot second, you miss out a lot on normal daily interactions…which are actually quite telling of someone’s character. You learn a lot about how he thinks of others through the way that he treats others, whether they are strangers in a restaurant or some of his best friends. Getting to witness this is important…and so even if you’re in a long distance relationship, it can be tempting to only spend time with each other when you finally get to be with each other! Do try and make it a priority to spend time with each other’s friends and families as much as possible. 

• Physical Boundaries: In those limited moments together, it’s easy to want to spend as much time together being physically intimate. Unfortunately, this can get out of hand a little too quickly…especially the more your rationalize and justify. Can’t you just hear yourself saying, ‘But I won’t get to kiss him for another month, so I better get as much kissing in while I can…’? And while kissing isn’t inherently bad, if you spend your entire weekend together only kissing… I’ll probably argue that it is bad and certainly not conducive to establishing any real intimacy between the two of you. Long distance typically leads us to making exceptions for things where we normally might not, and it’s easy to convince ourselves to be spontaneous and seize the moments while we can. It doesn’t mean you should, though. If you’re in a long distance relationship, I hope that you’ve developed some good boundaries for yourselves and that you’re finding ways to adhere to them. Well, let’s be honest…this applies to all relationships. 

• Sacrifices: All relationships require sacrifice. Long distance just seems to require more. Being glued to the phone, or the computer screen, for hours at a time, giving up more sleep than you might normally because it’s the only time in the day you two can connect, spending money to see each other (whether that’s on gas or flights). It costs you something. If you want to make a long distance relationship work, you have to be willing to sacrifice more than you might in a closer-to-home-relationship. The good news is that it doesn’t always feel like sacrifice…but the bad news is that it sometimes does. As with any relationship, there needs to be compromise and a willingness to consider the other person above yourself. Be willing to look at things from their perspective and understand, that with the distance, that communication may be harder and you may read into things more than you should…and so open, honest conversations are absolutely vital. 

• Communication: One advantage I’ve found in long-distance relationships is how communication can flourish. Instead of watching tv together every night, you’re more apt to talk about your lives and get a greater understanding of who the other person is/wants to be. You get to dive deeper into the heart and take time to really hear about each other’s days. You get to become each other’s best friends….you even get to learn to enjoy the silence beyond the awkwardness of it. But… this can also fade. Conversations can be scaled to sweet nothings and soft mutters and intentionality can be lost. Seek to maintain depth in your conversations, to truly care about the other person on the end of the line and how they are really doing. Look for ways to challenge them, inspire them, encourage them, listen to them…remember the things that they say, remember the things that they are doing in their lives and ask them about it. This will be one of the primary ways you care for your significant other and it can be such a beautiful thing! 

Take heart, friends. If you’re currently in a long-distance relationship… you aren’t doomed. There’s hope for you (even if it sucks sometimes…). Just proceed with caution!