Author: debbie beal

(Below is a written dialogue between myself and blogger/friend, Bryn Clark…he’s a he, in case there’s any confusion. Check out his blog when you get a moment!) 

ME: 
I asked a boy to get ice cream. 

Last night I nestled down to watch Zero Dark Thirty. About five minutes in, I realized it wasn’t exactly a ‘nestle-down’ kind of movie. The movie is about the hunt for Osama Bin-Laden.

This afternoon I settled into my three-hour class. About five minutes in, I realized it wasn’t exactly a ‘settle-into’ kind of class. The lecture was on the Holocaust.

Halfway through the class, things got even more unsettling as news of the Boston Marathon bombing leaked its way in through text messages, Facebook statuses, and news reports (don’t worry, I live about 25 miles north of the city and was well out of harms way).

It’s been twenty-four hours of being reminded that there is evil in this world, and it’s been twenty-four hours of contemplating what my response needs to be toward such events.

While the past tragedies and horror seem far off and distant, the one today was closer to home. Friends were calling friends who were running in or watching the marathon. Stories slowly began to surface of how people left the spot of the bombing just moments before they went off, or how, for whatever reason, there were decisions to not go to the marathon for the first time in years at the last minute. Little decisions. Little decisions that can change everything.

Our lecturer today asked us to consider how we ought to respond in the face of evil.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how we do respond and how we should respond.

It’s a lot to take in.
And while it’s easy to brush off past events because they aren’t often slapping us in the face, I think it’s vital for us to be aware. It’s shocking, it’s horrifying, it’s unbelievable… but it happened. It’s happening. Terror, despair, confusion, mass chaos caused by fear of explosions, raids, lives being taken…

There is evil in this world.

What is our response?
What should our response be?

Think about it.

When I eat Lucky Charms, I like to save as many marshmallows as possible until the very end. You see, they’re my favorite part of the cereal…so I want to eat them last.

When I eat a burger, I eat allllllll the way around the edges, saving the middle for the end. You see, the middle is my favorite part of the burger…so I want to eat it last.

I do the same thing with sandwiches (subs, included), quesadillas, hot dogs (yes, I love hot dogs), pizza, cake, cookies and any other food that you can possibly save the middle for last. I never eat my dessert first. Sometimes, when I have a really hard time choosing which food I like most, I have to take alternating bites of each food as I try to figure out which one should win the award of, ‘Last Bite’. Red and pink Starbursts get eaten last, as do the red Skittles.

If you haven’t picked up on the trend yet, I like to save the best for last.

While I could talk about food all day long, that’s not exactly what this post is about. I merely think that the way I eat food is an accurate representation of how I want my life to be. I want the best things to happen last…which mostly means I want life to keep getting better and better.

I can’t imagine existing in a world where I think that my ‘best years are behind me’. I can’t imagine finding contentment in believing that things won’t ever be better than what I’ve already experienced. It seems absurd to me.

Don’t get me wrong… better doesn’t necessarily mean easier. While I can sometimes pine after the days when I never had to care about gas prices, or think twice about what dinner was going to be… there’s something better about being older, having independence, and figuring out my way through life. There’s something better about learning the good through the pain, through taking risks, through experiencing the depth that often accompanies relationships with others. There’s something better about knowing how to ride a bike, even though it might have taken a few falls and bloody noses to get there.

There’s something beautiful about learning…and seeing how The Better comes into fruition, even if it’s not necessarily painless or easy.

I think it’s beautiful because there’s always something to hope for, always something to look forward to, always a reminder that this isn’t it. And, beyond life here on earth… there’s the abundantly better that awaits us in eternity.

It’s exciting to me.
I hope it is to you, too.

The best is yet to come. Frank Sinatra was onto something… (even if the song is primarily about a romantic relationship).

Even when it’s hard, even when it seems like the best years of your life are in the past, even as the gray hairs emerge, the wrinkles begin to form, and the aches and pains come from the very activities that used to be a breeze…. there’s still much to hope for.

Seize the fullness of your present lives, knowing that each day has potential to better than yesterday was.

May our lives keep getting better and better (even if they sometimes feel harder), as we are molded, refined, shaped, and learning the fullness of what it means to be more like Jesus.

Saving the best for last…until the day when the best becomes all we know.

Have you ever wondered after a break-up, ‘How soon is too soon to start dating again…?’

It’s an interesting question and usually warrants a million more questions. Some like to stick to some formula that makes them sleep better at night. Something along the lines of ‘double the amount of time that you dated, and then you should be ready’….or, maybe it’s the opposite: ‘take half of the time that you were dating and you should be good to go!’

I’ve never been one for any sort of specific time frame though. Who am I to tell that person who just got out a long, serious relationship that they shouldn’t be dating someone else a few weeks later? What do I know? How many times have I been wrong and watched the most unlikely couples make it, even if they seemed spawned out of a rebound of a situation? A lot, is the answer.

A friend asked me recently if I felt like I was ready to date again, and if I was, how long I had felt that way. Their answer was quite different than mine, as the three year relationship that ended two years ago was still keeping them from really wanting to pursue other relationships. It reminded me that people are people…which means that we’re all uniquely wired and our experiences are incredibly different.

While I felt like my break ups had pushed me into a greater understanding of who I am, who the Lord is, and what type of person I should probably be with (which allowed me to feel pretty ready for whatever was next somewhat quickly), there are other instances where relationships inspire and give life to the point where you can’t imagine anyone else ever doing the same. Those break ups take more time to recover from. The type of break ups where hearts are broken, where hope is lost and you truly can’t imagine life without the other person.

The thing about setting up some sort of time frame for when you should be over someone is this: rarely does anything happen when you want it to…especially matters of the heart. How devastating is it when you reach that point in time when you decided you would be over that person and realize that you actually aren’t? What types of emotions set it in? Suddenly the wound has room to grow, and the pain becomes intensely searing again as lies tumble in, reminding you of how big of a loser you are for not yet being over the guy who dumped you for another girl. Or, what if you’ve established a time frame and the guy/girl you’ve been hoping for suddenly enters into the equation before you’re ‘ready’? Shoot… better wait, eh?

Sometimes we just want to be done with the pain that accompanies the break up, so we try to rush through it quickly. I know for me, there’s an element of, ‘I’ve done break-ups before’….so I kind of feel like I know what steps I need to take in order to ‘get over someone’. I’m familiar with the pain and so I try to get through that as fast as I can so I can get onto whatever’s next.

It’s not so easy.
Because even though I can think I’m over someone, sometimes I don’t realize how not ready I am to date again until I’m confronted with the possibility of what dating someone else could look like. I wrote the following once when ‘moving on’ became a reality:

I want healing.
I want to trust again. 
But, I feel broken. 
There’s a part of me that thinks that if I just write enough, if I process enough, that I can figure it out…that I can fix myself. There’s a part of me that thinks that if I just run away from it all, that it won’t come back to haunt me again.
But it does. 
In the quiet places, in the secret rooms of my heart…a storm is brewing. It makes me second-guess people, it makes me assume the worst, it causes me to believe that there is no one good and it is better for me to be alone. 
Open my heart again? 
Open my heart up to someone who isn’t the screaming version of perfection that I desire…again? It didn’t work last time–why would it work this time? Would I even want it to? 

There’s not a ‘set time’ for when it’s ‘too soon’ to start dating again…but, I think it’s vital for us to have an awareness of what we are bringing with us into our next relationship. It’s vital for us to know our wounds and our hurts and to have an understanding of how that might affect the way that we communicate with, relate to and trust our next significant other.

I think we kind of know when we’re moving on too quickly, when we’re moving on to fill the void, when we’re moving on to replace the pain with someone who makes us feel wanted and worthy again. Be willing to avoid the temptation of the rebound, to avoid rushing into something because it feels easier to be with someone than to be alone… but don’t be scared of entering into a good relationship because it’s ‘too soon’ according to some time frame you’ve created for yourself (or you feel like others have placed on you).

In the end, we’re all messy people bringing in lots of baggage into relationships (even if you’ve never dated before….sometimes the fact that you’ve haven’t dated causes you to bring in a whole new type of baggage). I think it’s only by the grace of God that relationships even have a chance of success…

Just be smart. Know yourself. Pray a lot. Seek wise council.
There’s not a right answer to this one.
Sometimes the healing just takes time…and sometimes there’s a new person just waiting for you to get out of that relationship and you should seize the opportunity, knowing that healing will come as you journey into a new relationship with them. It’s all crazy and all over the place… but there’s no formula for it.

You know if it’s too soon.
You also know if you’re just scared and running from good things and using the ‘too soon’ as an excuse.

Be honest with yourself.
Your actions don’t just affect you anymore…

I started a new journal recently.

The blank pages before me were inviting as I saw a chance to write a different story than the one I had previously been writing. It felt like a fresh start… a blank slate (quite literally).

I had closed out the last page of my old journal and was ready for something new, something different…something good. I no longer wanted the same things to define me, I no longer wanted to be caught up in the cyclical patterns of life that seemed to drone on and on with this overwhelming feeling that nothing ever changes.

Have you ever felt like that about a new journal? Have you ever felt like that about life….whether that was going to a new job, a new school, a new city, a new church, etc.? That maybe this was your chance for things to be different? Truly different?

The journal seemed only a metaphor for my life. While I had, yes, moved across the country and started a ‘new’ life…it was time for me to really seize the newness, and this journal, by golly, was going to reflect that.

Page one was full of optimism as my dreams of ‘what could be’ kept me soaring…almost like the start of the New Year. But as I sat down to write for a second time, I was plagued by a sameness. I could write something that gave an illusion that my life was not marked by the same fears, doubts, disappointments, concerns, questions… but, it would be a lie. And, what’s the point of journaling if you’re fabricating everything you write?

It was frustrating. And defeating.
And it reminded me that we can run from ourselves and our problems without dealing with the real issue at hand. That while I may have started a new life and am doing new things… there’s a sameness to my life. I am the same. My interests are the same, the type of people I typically connect with are the same, my sins are the same, my dreams are the same, my fears are the same… and maybe that’s okay.

It was just one of those times when I wanted to be done with me and the junk I had gotten so accustomed to dealing with. I think, on some level, there’s a part of me that in moving hoped that lots of things would be different. A fresh start, if you will. But I’m still me.

Maybe change is more gradual than I want it to be sometimes. Maybe dreams don’t come true over night. Maybe they take time, hard work and perseverance and you might sometimes feel like you’re failing before you ever feel like you’re succeeding. Maybe I’m becoming a better person all the time, but I’m still an imperfect person who still messes up….but maybe I’m taking two steps forward and only one back.

Sometimes I get hung up on the failing and the step backward and forget that perhaps there is some forward momentum. That maybe I don’t need a completely fresh start. That maybe there are already some good components in the mix and change is happening, even if I don’t always feel like that’s the case.

I’m telling a story. So are you.
I think they’re good stories, even if sometimes they feel a little ‘blah, blah, blah’-ish. Because, in the end, I don’t really think we’re the same people that we started out as. I have to believe that, over time, and by the grace and mercy of the Lord, that we are truly being sanctified through and through.

There are lots of blank pages to fill up, and even if sometimes it feels like I’m saying the same thing over and over again… I think, somewhere in me, I know that change is happening.

I’m hopeful that it is.
For all of us.
A moving towards better, even as we fail, screw up, let ourselves and others down…
Two steps forward.
It’s slow, and sometimes agonizing, but it’s happening.

I’m thankful.

The comment:

I don’t date…like ever. Yet, every time I have a potential man in my life (or even just in conversations with guy friends), men are always surprised that I don’t get attention from other guys. I don’t get asked out. I don’t get pursued. But I get told by guys (who don’t know otherwise) that they’re SO SURE I’ve got guys chasing me. Or they think I’m out of their league. Why do guys say this stuff? I know my lack of a dating life is due in part to my awkwardness and insecurities. But am I just getting skipped over by guys who assume I have other options? If I was a gorgeous supermodel, I would understand. But I’m just a normal girl. And I can’t be the only girl in this position. Why won’t guys take a chance on me?

It’s a two-fold question, so I’ll try to address them both accordingly.

I did ask around to a few guys, wondering in what context they might tell a girl that they were ‘SO SURE’ that she would have guys chasing them. To me it sounded like the common exchange between girls (you know, all the comforting things that girls say to each other when it comes to relationship advice that helped with the success of He’s Just Not That Into You). The first few guys I talked to seemed a bit baffled that any guy would ever tell a girl those things. They wanted more information on the situation at hand in order to correctly assess why guys might say that to a girl.

The next guy I talked to provided a bit more insight into why he might tell a girl that. His reasons were the following:

1. He’s currently in a relationship. This frees him up to be more encouraging without the fear of leading the single girl on. He can acknowledge that the single girl is cool and although he’s not interested, he can see traits and characteristics in her that other guys would also think are quality. 
2. He’s been shot down by the girl he is telling this to (whether she knew it or not). Mostly this means that while he thinks she’s incredible, she’s made it very clear to him that she would never give him the time of day. Therefore, he may offer up his opinions of how great she is but never pursue it because he’s certain that he doesn’t stand a chance on any romantic level. 
3. He’s moving in the direction of pursuing her, but he’s not there just yet. He’s still sorting through things, taking his time…but he wants the girl to know that she is worth it. 

I’m a super indecisive person. Decisions are hard and even scary. Usually, I can make due by either letting other people make decisions or by just not deciding and suffering the consequences. But now, I’m looking for colleges, making life plans, deciding my future. It’s overwhelming. It’s paralyzing. What if I make the wrong decisions or mess everything up! I can’t let others decide this sort of stuff because I’m the one who has to daily live with and in the decisions.  

I’m not really good at the whole “let go, let God” thing. Im a worrier as well. I don’t really know how to pray for guidance or allow Him to guide me to a decision.  

I’ve only felt God/HS say NO/YES once when it comes to plans and that was regarding my summer schedule. I felt like I was confident and sure of where I did and didn’t need to be. I’m not sure how to get back to that point where I can sense the plans God has for me? I don’t think remaining paralyzed by fear is God pleasing but deciding the “wrong thing” probs isn’t either. I struggle with trusting God with my decisions and seeing what God has planned for me.

Well, the good news is that you’re not alone. The bad news is that that doesn’t really help in making the decisions any easier.

I think you have some good thoughts already forming. It isn’t good for you to let others decide things for you because, yes, you’re the only one actually living your own life. And, you’re right… I don’t think that being paralyzed by fear is what God intends for us at all.

I think we too often get caught up in wanting God to speak to us in very clear and audible terms. It would make it much easier if He could just tell us everything He’d like for us to do and every turn to make when we get to another dead end. Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work that way.

So, we’re left with some decisions. We can either stay paralyzed in our fear, or we can do something. I think we’re often so scared of doing the wrong thing, that we don’t do anything at all… and that’s exactly the opposite of what God is asking us to do. I just think there’s a lot less ‘wrong’ choices than we think, especially when it comes to picking out schools and deciding on majors and jobs and all the choices we’re faced with as we continue to get older. I mostly think that God is calling us to be obedient to Him wherever we are, doing whatever we are doing.

I heard a good sermon on this a few weeks back, actually. Using Romans 1, the pastor reminded us that we are all called to obedience, we are called to belong to Christ, and we are called to to holiness. Essentially this means that there’s a lot of room for us to make choices as long as we are living in the fullness of these things. Being obedient, finding our identity in Him and walking in holiness.

So, as you’re choosing schools… I don’t necessarily think there’s a wrong choice. There may be schools that will be better equipped to help prepare you for what you are going to do with the rest of your life, but you may not even know what that is right now. I think that’s okay. Consider what you think is important in a school and why you think it’s important. There are tons of factors that go into the decision, but, at the end of the day, I don’t think that you’re going to make a wrong choice… especially if you are seeking Him wholeheartedly.

There’s nothing to be fearful of. It all works out. Talk to older, wiser people, but definitely don’t feel like you have to do what they said just to please them. It is your life…and only you can know fully what you feel equipped for, called to (vocationally), and gifted in. Others might help in pointing those things out to you, but until you accept them fully for yourself, you’ll never step into them completely.

I do think there are probably times in life when God specifically calls us to specific places for specific seasons in our lives… I just don’t think that’s always the case. Like, I probably could have gone somewhere different for graduate school, or for undergrad, or even a different camp to work at full-time… and while my experience would have been drastically different, I don’t necessarily think that they would have been wrong.

The cool part is that God already knows what you’re going to choose, where you’re going to go, who you’re going to meet, and how you’re going to live.

Make some decisions and make them knowing that you’ve committed your life wholly to Christ… and if you’re truly dedicated and intending on living a life of full surrender… I honestly think that everything is going to fall into place, no matter which school you pick.

Be obedient in love… no matter where you are.
Find your worth and your identity in Him…no matter where you are.
And strive for holiness, for being set apart… no matter where you are.

I pray that you find the freedom to make decisions, trusting fully that the Lord is good and that He longs for you to pursue the things you love, the things you are passionate about, the things you are gifted in…and that He has created you that way for a perfect reason.

There’s less to worry about when we can fully believe that maybe there are multiple right decisions to choose from….and that we get to choose!

Embrace it. It’ll be okay.

‘So, um, maybe we can grab coffee sometime…?’

Really?
…coffee…? 

Do I speak for all girls when I ask: WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?!

I had a guy friend approach me recently and say something along these lines:
‘So, Debbie… I read your blog the other night. My question is this: how come, when you ask a girl out for coffee, she freaks out and doesn’t want to go because she thinks that coffee means that you want to marry her or something?’

Ohhh, the ‘coffee date’. Or… is it a ‘date’ at all?
And this is where the problem arises.

We sat and talked for a while about all the miscommunications that occur in the asking of girls out for coffee. While I could understand his side, I couldn’t necessarily appreciate it. The more we talked, the more I felt like he was only giving me fuel for my argument on why I think the coffee gesture is a terrible idea (not to mention this slightly spineless attempt to let a girl know that you’re interested in her…).

He insisted that, ‘The coffee is a way of getting to know a girl you’re interested in without scaring her off by asking her out on a date.’

My problem with this is that the girl usually has no idea what the guy’s intentions actually are. While in some guy’s minds it might be ‘universal knowledge’ that the coffee clearly means that he’s interested, there’s a whole other batch of men who mean nothing when they ask a girl to grab coffee with them. Yet, somehow we are supposed to be able to differentiate between the two and know which kind of guy we are dealing with? Impossible.

Sometimes coffee is just coffee…and sometimes coffee has a lot more meaning to it. Perhaps I’m the only one who likes to know just exactly what I’m agreeing to before I agree to it, but I don’t really think I am. It seems that the times I agree to coffee, hoping that coffee means more… it doesn’t, and the times that I turn down the offer because I’m fearful that it means more, it just means friendship. I clearly haven’t figured it out.

Feeling a bit more enlightened by the conversation with my friend, I was eager to hear some other guys’ perspectives of the ‘coffee date’. I was relieved when one guy basically said, ‘Asking for coffee is like asking for a date while minimizing the risk of rejection.’

Exactly.
That’s exactly what I was trying to get at.
Guys ask these girls out for coffee to try and get to know them better. While perhaps their intentions aren’t necessarily harmful, there tends to be this aspect of cowardice about it to me. If you’re interested in me, let me know… ask me out. But don’t ask me to coffee, because I don’t know what the heck that means. It puts me through emotional turmoil as I over-analyze just what you might mean by coffee.

And, if you just want to get to know me as a friend…? Let it happen naturally. Let’s hang out in group settings and, when we run into each other occasionally, let’s stop and talk… but if you choose to be intentional about your friendship with me by bringing coffee into the picture? I just might get the wrong idea.

Because, I don’t know what coffee means.
I think there’s a whole slew of women who don’t know what it means, either.

Sure, coffee may be non-threatening and it might be an ‘on-ramp’ (as one guy friend so eloquently put it) for dating… but it just seems like an unnecessary, confusing step to me.

So, for all of you guys out there who only mean it to be a friend thing when you ask a girl to grab coffee–I’m sorry. It’s almost always going to cause her to question what your intentions are (unless you’ve already been super straight forward with her, or you have a history of friendship to where you both undoubtedly know that coffee is just coffee).

And, for all of you guys out there who think it’s obvious that a girl should know that you’re somewhat interested in her when you ask her to grab coffee–I’m sorry. We don’t know. We might hope that’s what you mean, but we certainly don’t know. You’ll need to spell it out for us. There are too many guys in our lives that have asked us out for coffee who haven’t meant anything by it…and so we will not be quick to assume incorrectly again. Or, on the flip side, we will also be hesitant to assume that it’s just a friend thing. If we are not interested, we may reject the coffee because we’re terrified that the coffee actually might mean something more on your end when we aren’t feeling it on our end.

Ohhh, the coffee date. It’s a terrible thing.
But, I suppose it’s redeemable if you’re just honest and upfront about what coffee means from the beginning. After all, you may just want coffee.
And sometimes coffee is just coffee.
But, sometimes coffee is quite a bit more than coffee.
(And yes, the same principles actually do apply for all things comparable to coffee… like tea, or ice cream, or a walk down the beach…….)

You basically just need to know that when you’re unclear about your intentions and you’re asking to spend one-on-one time with us, it gets confusing.

The end.

The comment:

What do you do if a really nice guy confesses his love for you, but you just don’t feel the same way? How do you let him down easy? I know honesty is the best policy but I don’t want to hurt his feelings because he is such a nice guy, and deserves a great girl. I just don’t want to lead him on.

This is the worst. I mean, seriously… the worst.
In this situation, you’re usually stuck in a place where nothing you say feels like a good enough reason to not reciprocate the interest. They’re nice. Like…incredibly nice.

My aunt once pulled me aside after I introduced her to a nice guy who had expressed interest in me and whispered in my ear, ‘The nice ones don’t come along very often… don’t let him go.’

I might have panicked a little. Should I date him because he’s nice? Is she right? Am I going to let this nice guy go and then not meet another one for ten more years? I began asking myself what matters most in terms of character. The more I thought about it…the more I thought about what it would be like to be partnered with a man through life as I have kids, as I get sick, as I am moody, as I am crazy… and the more I realized that ‘nice’ should be pretty high up there on the list. Genuinely nice… not just fake nice.

But as time wore on, I just knew I couldn’t do it. Nice wasn’t a good enough characteristic to make up for things that were lacking. Nice didn’t mean that I could forgo all the other things that I cared about. Nice didn’t generate attraction. I didn’t really feel like convincing myself to date someone was really the best way to enter into a relationship.

So here’s the tricky part, the question that you asked… how do you let the really nice guy down easy?

Shoot.
It’s the worst.
Honesty is the best policy. And so, I think you have to be willing to tell him exactly what you told me. On some level, any time you tell a guy you’re not into him, it’s just going to be hard and awkward and uncomfortable. Unfortunately, telling the nice guy that you’re not into him is even harder because he’s only been kind to you.

Here are some thoughts to make the unbearable a little more bearable:

• Nice guys deserve the truth…especially if they’ve only been kind to you. The nice thing for you to do is to be honest with him and upfront with him. I’m not saying that you need to tell him every detail of why you’re not interested in him, but if you know you’re not interested in him…. you need to tell him as soon as you can. No delaying. Be kind to him through not leading him on any more than you probably already have. Make sure you don’t leave room for there to be any alternative… (i.e. don’t say things like, ‘I just don’t think it’s going to work out right now…‘ the right now leaves room for future possibilities). 
• Encourage him. If you appreciated the way that he pursued you and showed interest in you, be sure to let him know. Make sure he knows that you really do think he’s incredible and that you felt really honored in the way that he went about asking you out. Be sure to let him know of the specific ways that were especially great so he can at least take those things on with him when he meets other great girls that he’s interested in. He may feel, in the rejection, that his approach was all wrong, so you definitely need to encourage him to keep doing what he was doing… you’re just not the right one to be the recipient of his affections. 
• Give him space. Since he’s a nice guy, you probably enjoy being his friend. So, as cliche as it sounds, I think it’s okay to give him room to continue to be your friend if he wants to. But, also be respectful that he may not want to and maintaining a friendship with him may be harder for him than it is beneficial to him. Be willing to talk about this with him if he’s up for it.  
• Don’t initiate. In giving him space and offering your friendship on his terms, you’ll need to back off. Let him communicate with you when he wants to and when he’s ready to. He may need time…he may never even want to. Be kind when you see him and when you hear from him, but let him approach you. At least for a while. You mostly just want to avoid doing/saying anything that could send him the opposite message of ‘I’m not interested…’. 
• Don’t tell all your friends. If there’s anything worse for a guy than rejection, it’s being rejected when everyone else knows about it. There’s no need to ask all of your friends for advice if you know you’re not interested. Help keep his pride in tact by not spreading rumors or talking about the situation.