Author: debbie beal

I’m sitting in on a Human Sexuality class this week…and nothing is really off limits.

We began class by listing the various slang terms for sexual intercourse, our professor informing us that we need to be comfortable with any terminology a client might come to us with. We sat for a few hours, listening intently, engaged in provocative discussions… all while vulgar words stared at us from the blackboard behind our teacher (including the most vulgar of them all…).

It’s been enlightening, the say the least.
To be able to talk about sexuality (and anything having to do with sex) from both a biological and Christian viewpoint, to acknowledge the darkness, the depths of addictions, but also to be reminded that there is a healthy sexuality, that God created something good when He created sex… and we can’t ignore that.

I’m not going to lie, there have been times when I shift in my seat uncomfortably as our professor casually talks about what happens during arousal or explains the purpose of various sex toys….and where I’m maybe prone to giggle out of awkwardness, a quick glance around reminds me that I’m the most immature person in the room and I better shape up.

I’ve found that when I post about sex, people want to read about it. In the secret, of course. These are the posts that others don’t share on their Facebook wall or retweet… because, while almost all of us are extremely curious and interested in the topic, we don’t necessarily want everyone else to think we’re obsessed with it. There’s a certain shame or guilt that’s often associated with sex and sexuality… and it makes us scared to really talk about it.

As much as we live in a day and age where sex is everywhere, it’s still something that we have the tendency to hide, be bashful about, avoid. And while sex is definitely a private matter… the secrecy that surrounds it often allows us to more easily go into the dark and dangerous ensnarements of it.

I guess I just want to remind us that healthy conversations about sex and sexuality are good. That they’re important. That they can be life-giving as we are able to ask questions about what is true and good, so we can gain more understanding about the fact that we are very sexual beings. It’s important for us to not ignore the fact that we have sexual desires and that we’re facing sexual temptations constantly.

I think I fear that when we aren’t willing to talk about it, especially in the church or other religious settings, that Christians can get the wrong idea about sex. That we can spend our lives growing up believing that sex is bad, wrong, and something we should avoid at all costs… and then when we’re finally married it feels impossible for us to flip a switch that suddenly allows for sex to be good and something we are supposed to do. Or else the absence of understanding it/talking about it enables us to take it to the opposite extreme.

Sexuality is broad…
and I want us to be able to talk about everything it entails. I want us to be able to work through the awkwardness, to laugh at the uncomfortable words, but to have healthy conversations about what it means that we are sexual beings and what it means to embrace that in a good and holy way, a way that still allows us to operate in the fullness of who God has created us to be (but also recognize that we aren’t created solely for sex…it’s not our ultimate purpose for existence–not even close).

Per usual, I’ll be bringing up some topics in the future about various specifics of sexuality. I’d love any questions/thoughts that you have about it, though. Because if you don’t have people in your life that you feel like you can have good conversations with this about (youth pastors, pastors, parents, mentors, friends) that you can trust and really open up to with your thoughts/struggles… then I’d be happy for this to be a place that you can come to safely (at least initially.. and then I’ll definitely want you to be talking to people IN your life).

Let’s shed light on the darkness.
Let’s not be people who condemn ourselves because we don’t fully understand how we were created, but let us not be people who abuse or idolize our sexuality either.

There’s a balance and we need to find it.
Let’s start some conversations. Good conversations.

Not this..

The Comment: 

I’m kind of tired of being a Christian. I’m not tired of Christ. Or God. Or the Holy Spirit. I actually think I like Jesus now more than I did 6 months or even 2 months ago. I’m just tired of all of this “where is your heart” business and “what are your motivations for things” and all the heaviness that comes with being a Christian. Even though I’m actually not tired of those things when it really comes down to the heart of them. I’m tired of the fakeness that creeps in with them. I’m tired of trying to say things nicely. Like confessing sin in such a way that makes me sound super Christian and awesome. Or like my sin isn’t that bad. I’ve grown a lot the past few months in being super honest with God about my heart. Telling Him if I’m mad. Jealous. Annoyed. Happy. If I like someone. If I want to kiss [a guy]. Things like that. It’s been really refreshing. I feel like before I didn’t want to really say how bad my heart was because then people might be like, oooh, you need to go work that out with the Lord… or ooh, you should stop dating that boy that likes you and you like him simply because there is crap in your heart.

I love this.
It’s maybe one of the most refreshing things I’ve read in a while… because it’s so honest. Honest, raw, willing to admit that while you most assuredly love Jesus, it doesn’t have to fit into this cookie cutter shape of all the proper lingo and etiquette.

I share your sentiments. I’ve shared them for quite a while, as I’ve strived to get back to the root…to get back to Jesus and understanding what it means to truly follow Him, to examine Scripture correctly and to really love others.

I was actually in the middle of (singing) worship the other day and I felt this guilt start to creep up on me. Guilt for not reading my Bible enough, not praying enough, not being intentional enough, not meaning my words enough while singing…

And then I immediately thought: No! That’s bogus (sorry, I’ve been reading a young adult science fiction series that uses the word far too often…). Because I don’t think that’s how the Lord sees me, and I don’t think that’s what He’s trying to communicate to me. He’s not a God who is measuring me up to this list that He’s established for all believers. The guilt wasn’t from Him.

He just wants me. All of me. But He knows that I’m not going to know the fullness of what that really means here on earth, because we still live in a fallen world. He knows I’m constantly battling my flesh and my human desires and trying to pick up my cross, and place my burdens on Him and let Him be my portion… and all these other truths that we are attempting to live our lives by. But we fall short…. constantly. And it’s only by His blood that we have been redeemed.

So it’s bogus that we think we have to live our lives by these pre-established standards that wreck us with guilt and force us into being robotic Christians stripped of our personality and individuality and the very fullness of who God has created us to be. You aren’t a bad Christian if you don’t ask a fellow believer ‘how their heart is’, you aren’t a bad Christian if you don’t read your Bible at 6:45 a.m. every day or if you’ve never read My Utmost For His Highest. You aren’t a bad Christian if you want to kiss your boyfriend, or if you feel lonely even though you have Jesus. You’re human.

It’s why we need Jesus.

And if we could all be people who really live honestly in relationship with the Lord? I think we might find ourselves being refreshed, being filled, being more burden-free than ever before.

So thanks for your words, for your honesty, for your openness, for your willingness to step out of the mold and be completely honest before God. I’m so glad you’ve found freedom and I pray that you continue to embrace the fullness of what that entails as you learn to really follow Him and what He commands, not what our societal American Christianity seems to have demanded from us (although some of those things aren’t bad…. we just have to carefully determine what is truly from the Lord/Scripture and what is not).

Be honest, friends. With the Lord… and let that affect the rest of your life.
Let the bogus guilt no longer define your Christianity anymore, so there’s room for what the Lord is really saying to you and trying to do in you as He sanctifies you through and through.

(Below is a written dialogue between myself and blogger/friend, Bryn Clark…he’s a he, in case there’s any confusion. Check out his blog when you get a moment!) 

MYSELF: 
“What are you thinking…?”

I’m terrible at deciding things.
How do you ever really know if you want a plate of cheesy chicken nachos topped with sour cream and guacamole OR a shredded beef chimichanga smothered with chile con queso? I love both…

Yes, I am comparing major life decisions to figuring out what to order at the Mexican restaurant down the street. Sort of, anyway.

To catch you up to speed…
I left my camp job in August, knowing it was time to go (some of you may recall the post I wrote about that big decision). And it was time to go. My fall consisted of traveling, spending time with family, meeting new friends in Africa… and it was perfect. I decided to take the plunge into graduate school in January, moving up to the Boston area to pursue my Masters of Arts in Counseling. If you recall, it wasn’t ever a decision I felt sure of…but it was a risk I was willing to take, a stepping into the unknown of where that would actually lead me.

Meanwhile, there was always these musings and possibilities of new camps and new opportunities on the horizon. Possibilities that sometimes felt enticing, but felt far off and not-probable. At one point in the fall, I knew that if such possibilities became a reality that I wanted in. I knew I wanted to get dirty again. But then life kept happening… and it was good.

My transition to the northeast was smooth. I was blessed with two jobs very quickly, I was learning a lot, and I was meeting new people. Things were working out. Not to mention it’s beautiful up here. But there was always a question nagging me that I didn’t want to answer: do I really even want to do counseling?

I successfully avoided the question until recently. Until recently when I was presented with the ‘opportunity of a lifetime’. Suddenly, in a whirlwind of events, an incredible job offer stood before me and as I toured a camp just outside of Santa Fe, I couldn’t help but dream of the possibilities… but now the possibilities could become a reality, and I could be a part of helping them come into fruition.

The next few weeks were filled with conversations, questions, prayers, tears, confusion. Because how do I, indecisive about my food (and everything else in life), possibly make a huge life decision like this? How do I choose between two things that are good, two things that I want? How do I choose one without always wondering if I chose wrong, or if I am missing out on things because I didn’t choose the other?

I began asking myself some hard questions:
-Why did I leave camp in the first place? Were the reasons why I left going to be there if I returned?
-Why did I decide to go to school?
-What are my long term goals?
-What do I really want to do?

I enlisted the help of others as I mulled through the thoughts. I didn’t really expect the Lord to just shout down which path to take–because both felt good, both felt right, both felt honoring to Him. It was like choosing between nachos and chimichangas on a much greater scale.

So in all of this, I began to recognize that counseling wasn’t what I wanted to do. The more I learned about it, the more I stepped into the various aspects of it… the more I recognized that my gifts and my passions line up much more with discipleship. I knew then that even if I stayed at school, I would not be continuing to get my degree in counseling. I began to look into other degree programs that would cater more to discipleship.

Every day brought up new emotions in me. Some days I was convinced I wanted the job and other days I was convinced that staying in the northeast was exactly where I should be and wanted to be. I felt bipolar. I did pro/con lists, I prayed…and I still wasn’t sure what I actually wanted. I felt like the people I trusted and respected most had given me their full support no matter which direction I went.

And then one day, while journaling, this flowed from my pen:

I want the job. If I’m being honest…I want the job. But I’m scared of everything that entails. I’m scared of failing, I’m scared of the hard work, I’m scared of doing things I don’t like. I’m scared of not liking it. I’m scared of all the responsibility that comes with… but I want it. I want to dream, to create, to be a part of lives changing, to tell people what the Lord is doing, to write, to speak, to have endless opportunities. I want to get people on board with this new vision and direct them, enable them, to challenge them toward the better. I want this job. 

In that moment, I knew that despite all the fears and all the hard work… that it was worth it. I knew that the last year of my life had been absolutely essential in preparing me to make this move back. I knew I was different. I knew I had grown. I knew I had a fresh perspective on things, I knew I had new connections and new relationships with people in different places. I knew that I could be successful in a setting outside of camp… and I think, on some level, I needed to know that. And, in the end, I knew it wasn’t about me and what I could or couldn’t do. I knew that God was going to move regardless, but I knew I wanted to be so willing that He might choose to use me for such a time as this.

So I began praying more specifically for peace about taking the job. And as I prayed for that, I felt an overwhelming need to rely on the Lord. A reminder that I can’t do this job. Not without Him. Not without Him leading, not without me following. There must be an abandonment of my pride, a leaning on Him, and a willingness to go to Him constantly. I got even more excited about what it could look like, recognizing that we’ll also need the support and prayers of many from outside of camp as we embark on this crazy endeavor, as we ask for Him to change thousands and thousands of lives each year.

I took the job.
As I’ve told people here (roommates, landlords, friends, employers, school), I’ve only encountered more affirmation. I’m so humbled and eager to see what the Lord does with it all.

What do you do when it feels like he/she is out of your league?

Guys- If you’re into the whole traditional pursuit of a girl (you know… where the guy goes after the
girl), I’d encourage you to put yourself out there with the girl you think is ‘out of your league’. I think there’s a strong possibility that you’ll be surprised by the response. When a guy is willing to step out, be bold, make his feelings known… girls will at least consider it (and maybe they never have before because they felt like you were out of their league). 

I feel like I’m trying too hard.

You’ve just spent hours getting ready. Your legs are smooth, every hair is in place, your make-up is applied perfectly. You actually like your reflection in the mirror and you can’t help but admire how well this dress is fitting you. You might just turn a few heads tonight…

You’re feeling super confident until you hear this…

‘You look cute!’

Cute?!?
CUTE?!

How old am I, anyway?
I suppose ‘cute’ is better than ugly, but no woman really wants to hear that they are cute. Do they…?

I don’t know if guys really realize how different words can take on different meanings in the female mind (especially for those of us who over-analyze), but here’s a little heads up:

• Cute: When you tell us we’re cute, it makes us feel childish. That our attractiveness has suddenly been minimized to pigtails with bangs, wide-eyes and toothless grins. We giggle now, because that’s what girls do. Cute is very much a word for girls but not a word for women. Once we’re 13, no girl really wants to be told their cute. 
• Lovely: When you tell us we’re lovely, it makes us feel like a Victorian possession that is delicate, fragile, elderly…or almost like we’re right out of Downtown Abbey (which may not be a bad thing for some ladies). Lovely often feels more like a personality trait than it does a commentary on our physical appearance. Lovely isn’t terrible, but it isn’t awesome, either. Men- you can do better than lovely. 
• Sexy: When you tell us we’re sexy, it makes us feel objectified. Well, some might argue about that. This is one you need to tread carefully with, as different females will take it different ways. I personally wouldn’t mind being called sexy every once in a while, especially by my significant other when that’s the look I’m trying to achieve. From a random dude on a sidewalk? No thanks. 
• Hot: When you tell us we’re hot, we get confused. Do you think that I’m physically overheated, or do you think that I look good? Some girls hate to be called hot. Some girls love it. It has somewhat of a trashy feel to it though…like no boyfriend should really ever tell his girlfriend that she’s hot. There are much better adjectives to use that will go over a lot better. Let’s keep this one reserved for the celebrities. 
• Nice: When you tell us we look nice, we tend to think that you have nothing really good to say about our appearance so this is what you’ll resort to. A “compliment” for when you don’t actually have a compliment. It’s apathetic, it’s a place to settle. This is one of the worst things you can say to us. 
• Pretty: When you tell us we’re pretty, we’re mostly just wondering why you didn’t say we were beautiful. We’re wondering what we could have done to achieve a ‘beautiful’ comment instead of just a ‘pretty’ one. It’s like one step down…like getting second place. No one ever wants to come in second… 
• Beautiful: When you tell us we’re beautiful, we can’t help but radiate. Somehow, when you tell us we’re beautiful, we know that it goes deeper than outward beauty but simultaneously includes it. When you tell us we’re beautiful, we feel like women who are cherished and admired by you. We feel like we won the prize. You can never tell us we’re beautiful enough. 

I realize it’s silly and that it’s mostly a matter of semantics. Sometimes you may feel bored telling a women she is beautiful every day and so you try to spice it up by telling her she’s lovely and, before you know what hit you, you’re having to console her because she doesn’t feel like you think she’s beautiful anymore.

Yes.
We’re crazy.
This happens.
To women alll over the world.

In the end, it’s not up to you men to make sure your women know they are beautiful. You can’t ever do it. No matter how often you tell her that she’s the most beautiful person in the world, she won’t fully believe you. There’s something deeper than you can’t fulfill, and she can’t expect you to.

But, despite all that… it’s much appreciated when you do make the effort, when you do constantly tell us we’re beautiful, when you affirm us even when you feel like we won’t hear you. Keep it up… and know that somewhere in us we do hear, we do receive, and we need it!

Ladies- I know it may be disappointing when men don’t say the exact right thing to you at the exact right time. I pray that we can be women who can see the intention behind what they are saying and let that mean more to us than the actual words they use. That we can be women who aren’t insulted when a man calls us ‘cute’, but that we are thankful for his willingness to put himself out there. And, ultimately, that we would be women who are seeking our validation and worth from the Lord and not from men. That we wouldn’t expect men to be the ones who sustain us and how we view ourselves, but that our confidence in our appearance (both internal and external) would come from the One who created us. The men can only do so much, so let’s not make them feel like complete failures in their quest to dote on us!

Men- thanks to those of you who try, who care, who make this a priority in your relationships. Most women need these words of affirmation and need to know that their men think they’re beautiful, even if that doesn’t fulfill them in the end. Keep pouring out, pouring out, and pouring out…

And ladies… let’s not be so demanding, so needy, so desperate for men to validate us. Let’s not be so confined to making sure they do and say things the way that we think they ‘should’.

We’re a complicated mess, unfortunately.
Thank God we have been redeemed.

Do you ever do dumb things?
Just like… dumb things… and have to pay the consequence for them…?

The other night I spent a few hours at my brother’s house. When I went out to my car, it wasn’t there. I patrolled the street slowly, with my clicker in hand…hoping that I was temporarily blind and forgetful. I was sure I would see the flashing headlights or hear the beep and my car would suddenly appear in a place that I just had absentmindedly forgotten I had parked it.

After several minutes of the fruitless search, I headed back to my brother’s house and gave them the unfortunate news: “Guys, my car is gone. I think someone stole it.” My brother and sister-in-law didn’t seem to believe me, which may have been due to my smile and lack of panic in my voice. If I’m being honest, some small part of me was thinking about how I had wanted to get a new car lately and this was a good enough reason to do it… that all was, of course, immediately followed with the million inconveniences of having a car stolen.

My brother and I went out to the street, walking up and down, checking side roads and eventually he decided I should call the cops.

“Uhh, hi. I’m calling because my car is missing…?” I wasn’t really sure the best way to report such an incident.
“What type of car is it?”… (it’s better if you can imagine that in your best Boston accent).
He quickly told me that my car had been towed for parking in front of a driveway.

$176 and an hour later, I was back in my car again…driving away from the gates of the towing company.

It was one of those dumb moments. Moments where you do something and it costs something. It cost me a good chunk of money, and it cost my brother a bit of time… and it was just stupid. I remember looking to my brother and saying, “Why does stuff like this even happen? It’s just dumb.”

Because it is dumb. I even double-checked where I parked and still failed to realize it was in front of a driveway, which makes me feel even dumber.

It’s kind of made me think about how we respond to things like this in life. Part of me wanted to cry because it felt unfair. I also wanted to get mad at the tow truck guy, or annoyed with the cop, and even in the midst of trying to get cash and not knowing my debit card pin number (which was another whole ordeal) I want to scream at my brother. Because somehow it’s everyone else’s fault that I did something stupid, right?

But no.
It was my fault.
And it was stupid.
And it cost me something. I have to pay the consequences when I do stupid things, even when they’re unintentional. Reality check.

So instead of getting angry and blaming my own stupidity on everyone else, there had to be an alternative reaction. I chose to laugh. I chose to be kind to the cop, I chose to be kind to the tow truck guy (also recognizing that I had just made him come do me a favor late on a Sunday night). It helped when I called my mom up on the way home to tell her how stupid her daughter is and she laughed for almost the whole phone conversation.

Because- what else are you going to do?
Sometimes you just do stupid things… and it’s not the end of the world. Sometimes you do stupid things and you have to pay the price… but it is what it is. It’s easy to want to re-do it, to wish a thousand times over that you could go back and park somewhere different… but you can’t. And so you move on. You pay the price and you move on.

I don’t know if you’ve done any dumb things lately… dumb things that may have had a cost to them. But, I hope that you haven’t let the frustration consume you. I hope you haven’t let the frustration soak in and violate your character or integrity. I hope that you haven’t blamed someone else for your misfortune (especially if it was your dumb mistake).

I hope that we can be people, even in the midst of our stupidity (because we all have stupid moments)…who treat others with honor and respect and love. I hope we can laugh. And I hope we can move on. While, yes, it feels like a waste of money and yes, it feels like a perfectly avoidable thing… it still happened… and it’s okay. Life goes on.

So, let’s laugh at our occasional moronic-ness, let’s move on, and let’s not blame others for things that aren’t their fault. Let’s not be a jerk to the people doing their jobs…but let us still love them well, even if it puts us out some.

This too shall pass (even if it feels like a big dent in your wallet right now).

I went on a sweet hike with my friend, Eduardo, today. Okay, his name isn’t actually Eduardo… but it’ll do for now. His name isn’t really the point of the blog.

Anyway…
The hike was great. Challenging…lots of uphills with some good spots for bouldering our way to the top. At one point he was off in man-land (you know, where he gets distracted with different routes and cooler paths to take, barely aware of my existence) while I was sticking strictly to the trail marked by white arrows.

I stood, close to the top of the peak, watching him at a distance shimmy up cracks and rocks debating on whether or not I should be annoyed that he had just ditched me without uttering a word. I decided I didn’t care at all and kept going along my merry way.

That’s when it hit me: If we were dating, I would probably be so frustrated.

Frustrated, or get my feelings hurt that he (a) hadn’t told me he was going a different route, or (b) that he even wanted to take a way that didn’t include me. Because, when you’re dating… there’s all these crazy expectations that form and suddenly a fun hike has potential to turn into a disaster of misunderstandings and arguments often backed by selfishness.

The more I pondered it, the more I realized how ridiculous it was. Ridiculous that I could go hang out with my friend Eduardo and not care if he ditched me for a few minutes to take his own adventure and not care if he said stupid things or burped or poked fun at me occasionally…but if we had been dating, the entire day might have gone differently because of how upset I may have been.

So I don’t know if this is just a ‘me’ thing, or if this is actually a ‘girl’ thing… but I think I’ve talked to enough girls to know that most of the time when I encounter a ‘me’ thing, there’s usually at least a handful of other girls who also deal with the same type of stuff. When I start dating someone, something changes in the relationship to cause expectations to rise. When I start dating someone, I’m suddenly c.r.a.z.y. about things I would have normally not cared about.

I don’t want to be that girl.
I imagine that none of us want to be that girl.
So how do we not be that girl?
How do we remain the cool girl that can remain independent, carefree, able to laugh at dumb jokes, not care about burping, and poke fun back without letting it attack the security of the relationship?
How do we not let expectations ruin us and our relationships as we find ourselves transforming into wretched women we barely recognize who are controlling, worried, and insecure?
How do we be women who are supportive of our men’s adventurous sides, their goofy personalities, their humanness (which are probably actually things that attracted us to them in the beginning…)?

I don’t know.
Honestly, I don’t.
But, I think there’s something to being aware of it…to being aware of your tendencies to hold your significant other to an impossibly high standard that he’ll never measure up to. It may also be wise for you to have other women in your life who can help you maintain a healthy perspective of your relationship.

Because you should be able to really enjoy those types of things with your man. You should be able to enjoy an intense hike, allow him to wander off and do his own thing for a bit without it ever affecting you or making you feel insecure about your relationship or that he’s not doing something he’s ‘supposed’ to do. He should be able to go crazy in the wild!

We have to drop our expectations, especially when it comes to ridiculous things like this.

I was telling Eduardo about my realization in the car on the way back and as we talked about it, he said, ‘You’re onto something. You should really remember this for when you’re in a relationship again.’

And he’s right.
I should.
I need to.
I must.

Because I want to be able to take fun hikes, and do crazy things, and let my man be exactly who he is without me getting in the way. Without silly, unrealistic expectations….without my own fears and insecurities and selfishness interfering. I want to be able to encourage him to go off and do the very same things he would do if I wasn’t there. I don’t want him being with me to change that. I want to be confident in who we are and how he feels about me.

So for all you ladies who are currently in relationships and struggling with this… I’d really encourage and challenge you to have fun again. To try and erase the expectations that set both of you up to fail. To erase the unrealistic standards that you have for him. This is where it may help for you to talk through these things with someone else. And, before you bring up frustrations or hurt feelings with him, filter through it all and see what is valid and what is not. Are you stifling who he is by demanding that he do everything a certain way (your way, most likely)? Are you allowing him the freedom to be a man who loves adventure and taking risks and burping and being goofy (or whatever other things that make him who he is, whatever other things he is passionate about and good at)?

Sometimes the fun gets sucked out of relationships because we are so intent on making our relationships look a certain way instead of letting them just be what they are: two imperfect people joining forces as they learn how to love each other in the midst of their own junk. It’s hard. But it doesn’t need to be miserable. And every relationship is going to look different–you can’t compare!

Let him be himself…
And find yourself as you explore your own trails and take your own adventures without him constantly by your side (and without fuming about the fact that he’s not by your side).

Be friends. Friends who don’t have to care about all those little things and can just truly enjoy a day out in creation together.

(And yes, you can remind me of all of this if I’m ever in a relationship again…because, I’m sure I’ll need it).

The comment (in response to ‘Guys Can’t Read Minds…?‘): 

What about when the woman puts herself out there and then is…left hanging? 

Hrmmm, what about that, indeed…? 
You bring up a good question and it’s one I haven’t necessarily broached because of the whole traditional model of men pursuing women that I usually like to adhere to (key word here being usually). While it’s initially never my intent to pursue the man, there are still moments where I’ve ‘put it all out there’ because I can’t take it anymore… 

There are those instances where the friendship line gets blurry and for the sake of my own sanity, I’ve definitely broken the ‘a woman must always wait for a man to express how he feels about her first’ mold. I’ve usually regretted it. But sometimes I just needed to clear the air in order to really, truly move on. 

Because, what I’ve discovered is that when a guy hasn’t said something, it almost always means he’s not interested. Especially in the moments when I’m left hanging…

The moments where you say something that’s (to you) very clearly indicating a, ‘hey, I like you… what do you think?’… and then you get nothing back. 

My question for you is: did you literally say those words? Did you actually straight-up tell the guy that you’re interested in him and get no response? 

I think us ladies like to think we put ourselves out there, but sometimes our ‘putting ourselves’ out there is actually this weird, ambiguous thing that guys don’t always catch onto. Maybe sometimes, if they’re also interested in us, they will…and maybe sometimes, when they aren’t interested, they still do…they just use our ambiguity as an excuse to not have to have the awkward ‘I’m not into you like that’ conversation. But, sometimes they just don’t catch on. 

So… have you really put yourself out there? Have you left no room for doubt his mind that you’re romantically interested in him? Or did you just pay him more attention than you do other guys, or flirt extra flirty, or say something that might possibly insinuate the fact that you have feelings beyond friendship for him…without actually saying that? Or do you use a thousand emoticons every time you text him? Or initiate conversations and hang-outs to the point where he just has to know? If you haven’t straight up told him…you can’t be sure he knows anything at all. 

I don’t typically advise women to ‘put themselves out there’ unless it seems like the best step in moving on/getting over someone/clarifying friendships. I don’t typically advise it because I’m a firm believer that men will usually be proactive about pursuing girls they’re interested in. Ask most men and they’ll tell you this is true.

But- if you’ve put yourself out there (like really, truly done it) and he’s giving you nothing? I’d say the lack of his responding to you is your answer. Let it go. Or, confront him on it and have the awkward conversation if you think that’s what you need to do…if you think that’s the only thing that will give you closure so you can move on.  

If you’ve put yourself out there in the ‘not really put yourself out there’ sort of way and you feel like you’re left hanging? You’re either reading into things too much because he has no idea you’re interested OR he’s not interested and he’s pretending like he hasn’t noticed you ‘putting yourself out there’…  at this point you should just let it go and try not to worry so much about it. Or, if it’s another one of those moments where you just feel like you have to say something and it’s driving you mad, you’re going to have to be a bit more clear in your putting yourself out there. And, try not to read into everything if you haven’t really made yourself clear. He may not be leaving you hanging at all and you’re just driving yourself crazy for no reason in the meantime. 

Regardless of if you’ve really put yourself out there, or just kind of think you have… and you’re left hanging? My response is the same: it sucks, but you have to remember that this doesn’t define you. His lack (or apparent lack) of romantic interest in you doesn’t determine who you are, it doesn’t take away from your value, it doesn’t mean that any great guy that you’re interested in will never like you back. 

Maintain perspective…even when you’re left hanging. Confront it, if you really feel like you must… but in most situations, I feel like the best response is to move on, to let it go, to let it be. To trust that there’s someone else, and that he’s better suited for you than this guy. There’s someone else who won’t leave you hanging. There’s someone else who will put it all out there for you first…. someone else who will never make you wonder. 

So… move on. 

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