Author: debbie beal

I’m more cynical than usual lately.
It’s maybe ironic, seeing as the theme behind my blog as everything to do with second chances.

Perhaps it’s the transition period that I’m in, or perhaps it’s the witnessing of challenging relationships, or perhaps it’s the recognition that perfection doesn’t actually exist…but I’ve found myself truly coming to terms with singleness for life. Let me rephrase that… not even ‘coming to terms with’, but there’s more of a welcoming of it.

Whenever I get to this point, I remember the time an ex-boyfriend sent me Sanctus Real’s ‘Don’t Give Up’ and then I have it’s chorus repeatedly etched in my mind.

Have I given up on love?

Maybe.
I told my mom the other day that it just wasn’t going to happen. It was an attempt to prepare her for the possibility, but also there was a strange okay feeling attached to it.

Because while I can see that love exists all over, I think that maybe the love that I often think I want to exist might not (okay, it doesn’t). You know… the type of love that’s perfect and easy and filled with only good memories and great communication and comfortability and always thinking the other person is the most wonderful person in the world… a love of happily-ever-afters. A love that completes.

Unrealistic love.

I’ve felt like a little girl lately. A little girl who exists in the fantasy world of her someday prince coming and sweeping her away on a white horse to a realm where everything is magical and filled with awe. Only, I know better… and I know that’s not how it works. But, rather than adjust to the realistic idea of what love actually does look like, I feel stubborn in it. I still want to believe in at least some of the fairy tale parts of love, but because I can’t imagine them actually happening, I feel like I’ve given up.

Now, here’s the complicated paradox of the matter: I don’t actually want the ‘unrealistic love’.
I can acknowledge that some of the most beautiful things, some of the deepest loves come out of working through the hard stuff together and of loving each other despite the imperfections and inadequacies.

I suppose I just think I want the Hollywood/Disney-fied version of love sometimes because of how simple and fulfilling it can appear. And when I’m faced with real relationships and real possibilities, I’m tempted to think that the unrealistic is actually better than reality…which then scares me away from reality. It lends itself to a thinking that something better is available and anything ‘less than’ is just me settling.

So I realize there’s a balance.
And I realize it’s more complex than all of this.

Maybe I just don’t feel capable of real love. Maybe I don’t feel capable of loving someone through all the junk. Maybe I feel too selfish, maybe I want too much. Maybe I want more than anyone is able to truly give. Maybe I somehow still think perfection is attainable…. or maybe I just have a double standard.

I guess what I’m realizing is that I’m impossible to please, which means that love seems pretty far out of the question.

And I guess, ultimately, what I’m realizing is that if it ever does happen, it’ll truly be a miracle.

Because I’m crazy.
Truly crazy.
Crazy enough to give up on love while simultaneously hoping some strange balance of my fairy-tale notions and ‘real’ love can coexist.

I’m complicated.
I know…
I’m working through it.
And living life in the meantime…not so much ‘waiting’ for anything anymore.
I’m okay with it.

So lately I feel like I’m just holding my breath, waiting for something terrible to happen to me. It’s completely unwarranted and irrational… perhaps paranoia operating at full force.

The other day I was listening to some friends discuss a few things going on in the news. Discussing them like anyone living in America should clearly know what was going on. Now, if this had been a year ago, I might have justified my ignorance being due to the whole ‘living in the middle-of-nowhere’ thing… but now? Now I don’t really have a good excuse.

So, I decided to read up on some news.
Within ten minutes, I was reminded why I don’t like to stay thoroughly informed. I was horrified by what I was reading… horrified that the stories were real….horrified that this is what was happening. One particular story sucked me in and I began scouring for anything and everything I could find on the topic. An accidental death while doing a very normal thing… but a thing that most people definitely don’t die while doing.

Immediately you think…that could have been me…
And it turned into…can you even imagine…

Late into the night I was up processing and agonizing over the inevitably of death, pain, horror, and other bad things which are sure to ensue in this lifetime.

It felt overwhelming.
It still feels overwhelming.
But they are things I can’t avoid, things I can’t even begin to predict.

My mom called today and I picked up the phone asking, “Are you okay? Are you alive?” I was partially kidding, but partially serious. Mostly it just allowed for a good segue into my latest thoughts.

Because… the thing is that there’s been a lot of good in my life. A lot of blessings. My life isn’t defined by tragedy. But I know that someday it will strike. I know that someday my parents will die. It’s a guarantee. Someday I’ll get a terrible phone call. I know someday I will die.

So initially this causes panic. A ‘how-can-I-prevent-all-bad-things-from-ever-happening’ type of mindset. It creates an overcautious, overworried, overprotective, overneurotic person who is fearful of anything that might involve risk.

And then eventually I decide it’s all ridiculous, out of my control and I continue to live life jumping out of airplanes, speeding in cars, drinking the water in developing countries, getting sunburns that make my skin molt (I didn’t mean for this one to happen…).

A friend reminded me recently of the quote: You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die. Or when. But you can decide how you’re going to live…

It’s true.
I don’t need to dwell on the fact that bad stuff will happen. I don’t need to let that keep me from functioning, from joy, from risk.

Because right now there’s good stuff. And even in the pain, and even after the pain, I know there will continue to be good stuff. I don’t want to miss all the good stuff because I’m so focused on trying to avoid the bad stuff.

I can’t control it.
I don’t want to live life paralyzed in fear of when or how or to whom it’ll happen.
I think there’s a freedom that can come in choosing to live fully in the life we’ve been given instead of in the death that we’ve already been saved from. A certain freedom that comes in choosing to walk in the knowledge of the grander scene of eternity.

I want that.
It doesn’t mean I need to be ignorant, or make unwise decisions… but it does allow me to live at peace internally.

A letting go…
As it always tends to be.

Sometimes I think that what I have to offer is valuable.
Maybe more valuable than it actually is.
Maybe so valuable that I’m scared to actually give it because I don’t know how people will receive it… will they also guard it tenderly, or will they quickly discard it? Can they be trusted?

Sometimes I convince myself that no one will guard what I have as well as I can, and so I tell no one. These are my secrets. Only mine. And since they matter more to me than anyone else, I will keep them… I will let no one in… I will tell no one.

Sometimes I give tests as people coming knocking on my door to prove that they may be worthy enough to entrust my treasure to. It’s a series of tests that no one will pass… because that’s the way I’ve set it up. Tests set up so that everyone will fail. You might call it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And so the cycle continues.
Because I think no one is to be trusted, I only let people in so far until they prove me right (through whatever test I put them through).

This is how I worked in college.
Bearing my soul to another meant vulnerability, it meant exposure, it meant letting parts of me be seen that I didn’t want others to know about. When others knew, I felt like something was lost. Like I no longer had control of who I was or over who knew what about me. There was sometimes shame. There was sometimes the feelings that if people knew more about me, they would reject me for who I really was. There was sometimes hopelessness that came with this withholding of myself from others…as though I was clinging desperately to something that I needed.

It was lonely.
And it was full of despair.

I was convinced that in order to be vulnerable with someone, they had to meet certain stipulations that required commitment and follow-up questions/continued interest in my life. I had to know that they would be around for the long-haul. I wasn’t super interested in summer flings, or semester-long friendships that faded as time went on. I wanted the ‘real deal’. I wanted depth. I want life-long partners to joureny with…. that I trusted with my everything.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve encountered reality.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize the importance of vulnerability in seasons in life.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve recognized that I don’t need to hold so tightly to all these ‘secrets’… that these things don’t determine my value…that these things often don’t define how others view me.

I’ve certainly had some friends that will be life-long friends. But they aren’t friends that I talk to consistently, they aren’t friends who know my daily struggles or stupid mishaps. They’re the friends I call when I really need to talk to someone who knows me… when I really need to talk to someone that I trust unswervingly.

But then there are friends who I have for seasons in life. Seasons where we maybe lived together, or worked together, or went to school together, or had some sort of other connection. Seasons where they knew my daily struggles, and even my past ‘secrets’ and my joys and pains. Friendships where at times I knew that while maybe we wouldn’t be friends for the long-haul, it didn’t change the dynamic of our present relationship. And it was okay. I think my reaction to these types of relationships in college was to distance myself from anyone who I didn’t see a ‘future’ with. But now… these friendships are vital and life-giving. They are some of my most cherished friends, even if we lose contact over the years. They are some of the people who have spoken the most Truth into my life, even if it was only one conversation. I don’t ever regret being vulnerable with these people.

What I’m trying to say is that sometimes we limit ourselves, sometimes we hole up in loneliness, sometimes we convince ourselves that no one is to be trusted and that it’s impossible and never worth it to be vulnerable and open with people we don’t know if we can ‘trust’ with our secrets for all of eternity. But sometimes (almost always), I think we miss out when we hold back from other people… when we don’t allow ourselves to be known. Even if it’s only for a moment…

I think sometimes we put too much pressure on people to guard our treasures carefully… as carefully as we would… and I think that it’s unfair expectation. Why would they? How could they? But it doesn’t negate that in this moment, for this season, for whatever reasons… that they want to know. A lot of times I think it’s okay. We don’t have to trust them to never tell another living soul, we don’t have to trust them to take a bullet for us, we don’t have to trust them to be perfect. Do we? Should we? How could we?

There are times we need to be wise in our disclosure, especially if it can affect how others are viewed… but I think too often we are scared of vulnerability for all the wrong reasons. And the more we fear it, the more we run from it and the more we never face the things that we truly need to process through.

You know by now that I’m a huge advocate of honesty.
I pray that you wouldn’t hold back from being vulnerable either. Even if it’s one conversation. I pray that we wouldn’t be people who tuck away secrets, guarding ourselves from others, remaining isolated in our own prisons, unwilling to allow anyone else in. I pray, instead, that we would be inviting, open, and eager to see how the Lord can use even the darkest things for His glory, how He can transform even the most unlikely of us. These things we hide aren’t the ‘treasures’ that we need to be clinging to… because these aren’t the things that define us any longer.

Life doesn’t have to be as lonely as we make it.
I truly believe that.

I was going through some old things the other night and came across a letter. It was a letter I couldn’t bring myself to read again, but in looking at the date at the top and knowing the recipient of the letter… it was a letter that symbolized only one thing to me: betrayal.

The wounds aren’t fresh and, ultimately, feel mostly healed…but the sick feeling in my stomach that had existed almost constantly for months on end returned for an instant.

I hesitated, debating on if I should toss the letter with the plethora of other things I was getting rid of or if I should keep it.

I kept it.
I want to remember.

Perhaps it’s unhealthy and perhaps I should destroy any evidence that reminds me of the pain I’ve experienced throughout life, but I don’t want to. Perhaps it seems self-destructive.

I’m not ever someone that’s quick to push away the negative. I’m probably prone to focus on it too much, I realize. But as much as I’m likely to see the negative, there are also others who only see the good… and I guess I’m not sure that either extreme is the best way to live life. There needs to be a balance, a realism… an optimistic realism that can exist without constant negativity.

Sometimes I think it’s easier for us to want to cling to the negative though. It’s easier to only hear the negative… and believe the negative, especially when it involves us. I was talking to a girl recently about her relationship and while her boyfriend had said multitudes of kind things to her and about her, all she could receive was the negative.

Isn’t that what a lot of us do, though?
In the fifty nice things someone might say to us, we tend to only hear the one point of criticism. And then that point becomes the thing that momentarily defines us, dictates our mood, affects us for days and days. It’s the reminder that we aren’t perfect. That we aren’t doing everything right. Out of all the incredible things that happen to us, all of the things we are blessed with… it becomes easy to focus on the few things that are hard, challenging, and even heartbreaking. Those things quickly become the reason for why our lives are good or bad in a given moment. They are the things that remind us that this world is not perfect and that sometimes bad things happen (oftentimes for no good reason or explanation).

But what if we allowed the points of criticism to move us toward better? What if we allowed the bad things that happen to do the same? What if instead of dwelling on them, feeling sorry for ourselves and throwing the pity party….we either looked for ways to change those things or accepted that ‘it is what it is’ and moved on? What if we dwelled on the positive and remembered the good?

I think we can dwell on the positive without forgetting the negative, without forgetting the reality that we aren’t perfect and that sometimes bad things do happen.
I guess what’s why I kept the letter.
While I don’t want to exist throughout life afraid to trust and convinced that everyone close to me will betray me, I also don’t want to live life naively, either. But, beyond that, I think the letter reminds me of forgiveness. It reminds me of a time in my life where I had to choose death or life. It reminds me that despite the pain, hope prevails. That life goes on. That, this too, shall pass. It reminds me that in time, wounds heal.

And so, while I often feel deeply rooted in cynicism, there’s still somehow hope. There’s still good. There’s still much to be joyful about, thankful for, to laugh about.

I don’t know if you’re up against something like this right now…. up against something bad that’s happened to you, struggling to believe the good things about yourself over the bad (whether someone said something to you or no)… but, I hope that you can press deeply into the good.

That we can be people who are truly joyful despite the opposition that faces us, because we know that we have something to be joyful about. That we can be people who don’t suddenly forget all the good in the midst of the bad…and that we can be people who have a healthy perspective (not unrealistic) even in the good.

There’s a balance.
Sometimes bad stuff happens… and sometimes it breaks our hearts. Sometimes we aren’t perfect…and sometimes it feels absolutely defeating. But it’s not hopeless. It’s not the end of the world.

There’s still so much good.
I pray we don’t forget it.

I’ve been strangely absent.
It’s been one of those times where I just needed to retreat… partially because I’ve felt like I had nothing important or good to say and partially because the thought of writing felt exhausting.

But, I’ll try.
I just got back from Nicaragua and after trying to catch up on the little sleep I got over the past few days, my thoughts feel just as incoherent as before. After all we did and experienced, one thought keeps looming through my head:

I don’t really know how to be a Christian. 

While we weren’t on a ‘mission trip’ per se, many of our interactions and choices were fueled by a desire for the Lord to use us. We prayed together early on that we might be willing to sacrifice the things that we want for the sake of the Gospel and that we would be willing to be bold when necessary. It led us into countless conversations that we’ll never know the fruit of (or if there was any).

I come back to one conversation I had quite often, mulling over its meaning. A conversation that drifted late into the night (for me, anyway)… a conversation with a drunken cynic who had his own thoughts on the Church and how Christians ought to be doing things different. As he read into my stiff and ‘uninviting’ body language, called out my ‘Christianese’ and superficiality, and remarked on the multitude of Christians who enter college only to wind up far from truly following Jesus… I couldn’t help but think he was right.

He was right.
I was uncomfortable at times, partially because this guy I had only just met was pretending like he knew me…and partially because the scene wasn’t one I enjoyed being in. It was a scene I didn’t exactly know how to function in. Which, I think, was kind of his point.

That I can play the Christian card quite well among other Christians… I can talk the talk, walk the walk… but what happens when I’m absolutely immersed among those who don’t care about Jesus? What happens to me then? I often feel out of place, insecure, judgmental, sad…

But the enlightening part about this trip was that we were stuck at a resort with all kinds of people for days and days….and even the ones who we were only overlapping with for a few hours, we were in such a magical land of tourism and foreigners and being bound together by language commonalities… it was inevitable that we would get to know people. We made friends. Because beyond the scenes that I was uncomfortable with, I was reminded that people are still people. And we met fascinating people with fascinating reasons for being in Nicaragua.

I guess I was just reminded that I don’t really know what I’m doing…and that maybe it’s okay. That even as I interact with people and search for opportunities to share the Gospel and pray for boldness to actually do it… there’s not an exact science to it. There’s not a step-by-step formula of what it should look like, of what it has to look like. I can have a conversation with an inebriated fellow about predestination, and the Lord might do something with it. We can talk to a local man in a poor developing country and encourage him to do something for the prisons that break his heart, and the Lord might stir up passion in Him to act.

But it takes being among people to have those conversations…
and I guess I fear that I too often, in my daily life, avoid the uncomfortable scenes….or even just scenes that I don’t enjoy. And maybe, I’m realizing yet again, that there’s something incredibly beneficial to stepping out and being among people who are not like me. So often I want to cling to what I know, to people who are just like me… and maybe I need to be more willing to branch out, to be the minority in what I believe in… and to be bold as I interact with others.

I honestly don’t know what that looks like right now as I’m in a season of transition, heading toward yet another Christian community. But I do know that I don’t want to be limited to that, confined to it, and get too comfortable there.

I want to know people.
To be willing to build relationships with people, not simply because we decided to stay at the same surf ranch for five days in a different country….but because they matter.

More than my own comfort, more than my own desires, more than me…
and when I’m willing to try to get to know people?

The Lord surprises me.
And for that I am thankful.
So even when I don’t necessarily know what this Christianity thing is all about or how to do it ‘right’? I know that He is faithful, that He is leading, that I can’t really mess it up.

My time in Nicaragua was strangely inspiring… as were my fellow travel companions.
And while I’m not necessarily urging you to go out and party and forget Christian community (because there’s an obvious need and importance for that)… I am encouraging you to consider how often you’re interacting/seeking to know those outside of that community. I am urging us all to be more willing to enter into the world… a world that’s often uncomfortable and not what we ‘approve’ of, but a world that’s very in need of Christ’s love. A world that is desperately searching to fill voids and emptiness with everything but Him.

So even when it’s not our ‘scene’, even when you have no idea what you’re doing… I pray that we be diligent and good stewards of what we’ve been given, walking confidently in knowing that He is faithful.

I picked up The Giver for my summer reading list a few weeks back.

Not that I actually have a list, but in the process of listening to someone else’s recommendation for a young adult science fiction series, The Giver kept enticing me as I stood in the public library. I had read it once a long time ago and remembered it being good… so, why not?

Dude.
If you haven’t read it, you should.

I started reading it today (and I hope to finish it today…)… but I’m so entranced by this utopian world that’s created. Within a few pages, an idea leapt out at me. An idea for an ideal… probably catered more toward the female than the male (but perhaps just as necessary for both).

In this book, the family unit is required to share feelings each night. It’s one of their rituals. Each night, they go around the table and tell their feelings from the day.

The idea stirred something in me… perhaps a longing. A longing for a time each day to share feelings…to hear from others and to have someone else hear me. To know that each day there would be a safe place for this to happen… a place where I could be heard and still loved.

When I think of my favorite living situations, it has always been the times where we had the freedom to share our feelings. To come home each day and debrief what happened. There was a comfort in knowing that someone else was going to take the time to hear about my day, that someone else wanted to hear about my day.

When I think of some of the aspects of dating that I really enjoy–one of them has everything to do with knowing someone else cares about my life. A checking in on each other and finding out how the other is doing each day. It’s probably one of the things I miss most or makes me feel most lonely as a single.

Because we’re created for relationship. We’re created with a longing to be known, to be cared about, to be heard. And sometimes we get in the habit of stuffing this inside and not wanting to really open up at all. We get in the habit of thinking that no one cares or that no one wants to hear, or that if we just talk to God about all of these things, that we’re okay.

I’d like to challenge us to be people who check in with each other more regularly. Whether you’re married, or living with roommates, or have a full-fledged family with kids and dogs and goats… what might happen if we were willing to take time each day to ask the others how they’re feeling, how they’re doing, how their day was? What might happen if we were able to release all of that pent up emotion in a safe place as well? Even if it was just for a season…?

Because I honestly think that God created us for relationships like this. That even when it was just Adam and God, the Lord declares that it’s not good for man to be alone. There’s something necessary about having other people in our lives.

And I think we need to take advantage of that.
I think we need to be more intentional with those around us.
I think we need to check in with each other more often, I think we need to be more transparent about how we’re really doing and what’s really going on with us/our emotions. There’s something cathartic about it… something healthy…something strangely important. I think this ‘checking in’ needs to be more of what’s expected versus the exception…a ritual in our life versus the every-so-often-when-I-think-about-it type of ordeal.

Let’s be creatures of deeper purpose than simply existing together as we crowd around the television set for dinner, or talk on a surface level about how our days were. What emotions did you feel? What did you learn? How are you growing/processing/wrestling through life?

Let’s share these things with each other.
And let’s be iron sharpening iron… in our families, our marriages, our roommate situations, our friendships…

This sharing of feelings…?
I just think it’s a valuable ideal that we can strive for, even if we aren’t perfect at it. A time where we can be heard and make others feel heard… which ultimately leads to a feeling of being known and knowing others. Which, I think, is a really beautiful thing.

I might have given myself a concussion a while back.

It was one of those times when you open up a car door and either miscalculate your distance from the door or underestimate your brute strength compared to the weight of the door and before you know it, a heavy piece of metal (that you’re controlling) is nailing you in the forehead. It’s the worst. The Worst.

Not only are you embarrassed by what just happened, but you’re left with a goose egg of a bump on your head that might eventually turn purple. There’s no way to play it off in any sort of cool way…

I might have fallen down the stairs the other day, too.

It was one of those moments when you turn quickly, your foot catches and you feel your upper body propelling forward and downward while your feet get stuck behind. You hear yourself distantly yelling, ‘Oh shoooooooooot!’ (and you’re honestly somewhat surprised you aren’t cursing) as you desperately try to clutch onto the banister before you break your neck in the tumble. You succeed, fortunately, and walk away with your legs a big banged up and your pride a bit wounded (especially when your landlord runs over after hearing the loud ordeal and offers to take you to the hospital).

It was one of those days when you feel like you’re getting really old.
And one of those days when you’re not invincible.

After the dizziness had passed, I decided I was in good enough shape to drive thirty minutes to meet a friend for a hiking escapade. As I drove, I couldn’t help but think about how much worse it could have been (and how stupid it still was…).

But both of these events (no matter how trivial) remind me that I’m human. Bad things can happen to me… when I least expect it. Bad things can happen to me…accidentally. I don’t deserve for them not to.

They are things that remind me to be thankful for what I have. To remember the blessings. To remember that I’ve been given infinitely more than what I need, even when I still feel like I want what I don’t have.

I have already been given more than what I deserve.

And I don’t want to forget that.
So even when I have little scares… or even major things don’t seem to be lining up the way I ever thought they would…

I want to remember Jesus.
I want to remember what I deserved.
I want to remember that He saved me from what I deserved.
I want to remember how He saved me from it.

And I want to remember that anything I get beyond that is a blessing, not something I’m entitled to. And anything that seems bad or scary or harmful…there’s already been true victory in my life.

I want to remember that I’m not invincible.
And even though bad things can happen at any moment, at any time…
I don’t need to live in fear of it, but I can live in gratitude for what I’m continually given each day.

The perspective shift.
Sometimes you just need a good hit in the head, or a good fall down the stairs to get it. Sometimes something worse wakes us up to those realities. Sometimes we just remember and we’re thankful.

But, in the end, no matter where we stand… Jesus still reigns. He still saves.
Even when we suck.

And today I am thankful.

Today was one of those days where, try as I may, I couldn’t write.
Writer’s Block?
Maybe. Maybe I just got tired of writing about sex and relationships and things that, sometimes, feel so secondary to what actually matters. These trivial things that seem to take such a priority in our lives, but are often exhausting and cause us to lose focus…

So I began sifting through some old writings and came across something that I’ve thought about blogging about before, but hadn’t. Here you have it, though…what we do in the moments in our faith when we feel distant from God, when we feel like we’ve lost that emotional connection with Him..

Check it out:

(Just a heads up… the content of this post is a bit more sexually explicit than some of the others. Consider yourself warned.) 

The comment: 

So many teens, including many Christian kids I know, think oral set is NOT sex. They say it isn’t penetration so it is ok to do. What is your opinion? How do I respond to them when they tell me they are having oral sex with their bf/gf?

Remember that time when I welcomed in questions and comments about sexuality and then I got a question like this and wanted to avoid it because of how heavy and detrimental it can be? Yep. That’s how I feel right now. 

Because… this is a big question. A big question because it’s the question a lot of teenagers and Christians in dating relationships are asking. It’s the question that’s essentially asking, ‘How far can I go without committing the sin of pre-marital sex, without losing my virginity, without maiming my purity?’

But, I think it’s the wrong question. 
The last thing I want to do is set up another restriction for Christians without first understanding why this is important. It’s easy for me to say that I think oral sex is sex (of some fashion, although it’s clearly not genital intercourse… but is that solely what Scripture is even referring to?)… but if that’s just fuel to prove that something is sin, I think we miss the point. 

The point is that when we enter into physically intimate relationships with people who are not our spouses, something is lost. Something beautiful, something mysterious, something deeply intimate. That when you’re participating in an act that brings the other to full arousal, when you’re in such a place of vulnerability of completely exposing parts of your body to another… something happens. There’s a connection that’s made. And the more we do these things with various people, the more we miss out on the way it was intended to be, the way it was designed. The more it just becomes another thing to do (sometimes complete with STDs and other emotional garbage)…but it has lost the true connectivity. 

We get more interested in what we can get away with over what it means to hold tight to integrity, holiness and purity. We are more interested in getting whatever we can out of each moment instead of recognizing the long term ramifications it can have (on ourselves, our current make-out partner, our future spouses, their future spouses). We begin to see our current relationship as a means to our temporary sexual fulfillment, instead of honoring them in each moment. What if your relationship right now doesn’t work out? What if you break up? 

I’ll be the first to admit that I want to have sex. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a sexual being, with sexual desires who struggles with sexual temptation. 

But all of this stuff that we play around with, that we focus on, that we try to get away with? It doesn’t seem worth it. It’s not fulfilling. It’s a life of perpetual regret. A life of giving in, feeing frustrated, being consumed by sex (or a lack of sex). Sex is not the end goal…it’s not our final destination. And, it seems the more that we buy into this sexual identity, the more we are consumed by it. The more we mess around with our boyfriends/girlfriends, the more we’re thinking about it, the more we want to push the bounds because it’s all we can think about. 

I talked to another single friend of mine the other day about our singleness. She feels, most assuredly, that God will bless her with a husband someday and challenged me in thinking that if that’s the promise, what does it look like to work backward from that. Meaning, that if she knows that she is going to marry, how can she live now, as a single, honoring that fact…honoring her husband-to-be. How can she make decisions now that can impact her future in positive ways and not negative ones? How can she date well with that in mind? How can she not give of herself too freely, but not hold back as she’s still dealing with the unknowns? 

Because as much as we can argue about oral sex being sex or not… as much we can give teenagers another thing to add to their list of ‘don’ts’ (which there are also just practical purposes for avoiding it outside of marriage…)… I think we need to somehow get further into the mindset of it. 

Why do they feel like they need to have oral sex with their boyfriend or girlfriend? What do they gain? What do they lose? In five years… was the temporary enjoyment worth it? On the off chance that they do marry this person, does it harm their relationship if they maintain boundaries that didn’t involve ejaculation, orgasms and touching genitals and doing things they wouldn’t want their parents in the room for? Does it benefit the relationship if they refrain? What’s most glorifying to the Lord? What’s most edifying to the other person? Does these things matter to them? Why or why not?

So this is where I say.. let’s have conversations about it. Before just trying to convince kids that oral sex is bad and they shouldn’t do it… let’s figure out what else is going on. Let’s figure out ways to show them that a life of purity (a road that’s very much less traveled in this day) is worth it. That it’s worth maintaining.

But in the end, let’s open up conversations about what it really means to follow Christ. That maybe the goal isn’t to keep youth from refraining from ‘sexual immorality’, but maybe the goal is to give them a fuller glimpse of who Jesus is, to show them the path that’s rough and hard and full of self-discipline and not giving into our fleshly desires… because it leads to something better. Something more whole. Something that we’re all really searching and longing for.

Because what they’re wanting (shoot, even what I’m wanting)… it isn’t found in sex, or even intimacy with another person here on earth. It won’t be fulfilled through that, or drugs, or food, or in having the best body, or being popular, or always having a boyfriend, or getting your dream job, or getting into the best college in the world…

I think when we can show them a fuller picture of the Gospel, of who Jesus is, of what it means to follow Him (and when we’re willing to go there ourselves)… that we might be a people who stop asking questions about what we can get away with, and getting trapped in the legalism of the law. We might then be a people who are living for something abundantly more than the pleasures of this world because we recognize that it doesn’t satisfy.. not ultimately, anyway.

Easier in theory, yes. I get that.
But I just don’t think the solution is grinding into people’s heads a bunch of rights and wrongs…and having them refrain from things strictly because someone told them not to. There’s a bigger reason to abstain, and I want us to to be willing to go there… and I want us to be willing to live that way and model it well (even if not perfectly).

So.. how do you respond?
Dive in deeper. Just because you tell them it’s wrong, it doesn’t mean that they’re going to stop (despite all the facts about how bad it can be for your body–we always think we’re the exception…). So start asking questions, get to the heart of the issue… and don’t lose hope even if they don’t stop. Trust that the Holy Spirit is going to do His thing and that we believe in a God of redemption and second chances.

Continue to be someone that they trust, that they confide in, that’s willing to dialogue with them about hard issues in life and not just the person who makes them feel guilty and condemned every time you converse. Love them well, make your stance clear… but don’t stop the conversation there.

So.. there you have it. I suppose that’s my opinion on it.
Oh, and if you’re reading this and you’re having questions about this very issue? I’d challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions, or to be willing to have open dialogues with others you trust about this very issue. Stop asking, ‘Is this really that bad?’ and start asking the harder, deeper questions.

I think there’s more for all of us when we stray from the checklist of rights and wrongs and begin pressing more fully into the design that God created for us (even when it means feeling like we’re sacrificing things and denying ourselves in the moment).

Freedom.
The Better.

I want that. For all of us.

(Below is a written dialogue between myself and blogger/friend, Bryn Clark…he’s a he, in case there’s any confusion. Check out his blog when you get a moment!) 

BRYN:
So here’s the thing: physical attraction matters…doesn’t it?