Author: debbie beal

Would you consider doing something crazy?

Do we even know what we’ve really gotten ourselves into? Probably not. But we’re trusting. Trusting that the Lord sustains, provides and is sovereign in this crazy endeavor! 

Would you think about passing this along to people you know who might want to be a part of such an adventure? People who will work hard, serve well, and love deeply? 

I was giggling with a few ladies at work yesterday about love and marriage and the wonders of it all, fully aware that I was, yes, giddy and ridiculous (not to mention…giggly…what dread!).

I have moved from that girl to that girl almost overnight. Meaning…where I once was skeptical, cynical, and a doubter of love, I am now fully convinced that it is possible, beautiful and every bit as good as I hoped it could be (if not better). I’m the kind of person that might make other people want to gag. Oh well.

In the process of the giggling, sharing and a general excitement about how good life can be, one of my friends looked at me with tears in her eyes and reminded me of the great responsibility that comes with such a blessing. That with marriage comes a clear picture of the Gospel…and in marriage, we carry the weight of sharing that picture with the world.

It’s a picture of unconditional love.
Of grace.
Of sacrifice and selflessness. Of humility.
It’s a picture of forgiveness. A picture of not holding past grievances against the other. A picture of faithfulness in the face of unfaithfulness. A picture of love.

It’s a picture of Jesus Christ.

Sometimes I think we forget it. How easy it is to be consumed with ourselves, our happiness, what we “need”, and what we aren’t getting. How easy it is to stack up all the wrongs someone has committed and throw them in their face the moment it becomes convenient or helps us ‘win’ the argument. How easy it is to see all we have done and wonder when they are going to pick up their end of the slack. How easy it is to whine, to complain, to remind them of all the things they said they were going to do but haven’t gotten around to yet.

How easy it is for an earthly relationship that’s intended to paint a beautiful portrayal of who Christ is to suddenly turn into something filled with despair, loneliness, brokenness, and selfishness.

It’s a great weight, indeed.

Don’t worry friends, I’m not getting married anytime soon…but as people even think about the possibility of getting married, I want us to be a people who don’t forget the weighty responsibility of it that my friend reminded me of. That marriage isn’t about us. What it points to is significantly greater than our own wants, our own needs, our own dreams.

And without Christ at the center of these relationships, it becomes impossible to move forward into them in a way that truly depicts Him. We’re unable to love each other as fully, unable to move past ourselves, unable to see the broader scope of eternity as we get sucked into the discomforts of everyday living/trials.

I know nothing is perfect here, but I have high hopes that there is beauty in the broken. That there are reflections of Christ in even the most imperfect things. That as we seek to love Him, to know Him, to follow Him more wholly…that there will be shadows of how it was intended to be here on this earth. Things that we get to partake in, even if they are only moments, glimpses, pieces…

May they always point back to Him.
May our relationships be reflections of the greatest love of all… and may we rely heavily on Him as we attempt, with our own imperfections, to love another imperfect person. Through His grace, His love, His kindness…may we learn the fullness of what it means to choose someone else, to love them, to walk with them through all things.

May we never give up…may we never give in.
Instead, may we live to the fullest….sucking every joy out of this life, and painting a picture of Christ to everyone within reach that’s undeniably filled His love and grace.

A weighty responsibility.
One to not take lightly, but one I pray that we are willing to seize if ever given the chance.

The Comment:

I’ve struggled/sometimes still struggle with looking at pornography and sending inappropriate photos. It causes me so much guilt and shame, I’m afraid of being judged and condemned. I know that both are wrong things to do but my friend showed me both and they satisfied my desires and made me and others (I’m a people pleaser) feel good and satisfied. I don’t know how to stop and I lack accountability because I don’t want to be labeled as dirty and gross. What can I do!? I can’t live in this sin and entrapped by guilt much more. How do I ask for accountability/share? 

Thanks for your honesty and your willingness to come forward. Despite the anonymity of your comment, I think it’s a good first step toward being willing to talk to someone else in your life about all of this.

Because it’s hard. It’s an issue that’s covered in guilt and shame and despair….and the longer it happens, the deeper you get into it, the darker it feels. It’s easy to think that it’s better to never tell anyone at all than it is to admit how far you’ve gone, how much you’ve been willing to compromise. There are the times of self-commitments… I won’t tell anyone, I’ll just stop. Then it’ll be okay. But then it doesn’t stop. Sometimes you just feel completely out of control and you barely recognize yourself anymore. There are moments of weeping, brokenness, disgust…wondering what you’ve become. And then you’re enticed for more because it’s oddly satisfying. At least for a moment.

But the satisfaction never lasts.
It’s fleeting.
And sometimes the satisfaction is still tainted by the depth of despair you know you’re swallowed up in.

You have to get out.
Which means being willing to whatever it takes. In this instance, I think it’s going to mean bringing light into the darkness. Talking about it. Being willing to go through a period where you feel like others might judge you, where others might see you in the way that you’ve been seeing yourself…dirty and gross. Or, at least a period where you feel like that’s what they are thinking of you (even if they are not). A trusted mentor, a trusted friend…someone who will remind you gently of the redemption found in Christ, but someone who will not let you settle for less. Someone who will push you toward purity.

Ultimately, it has to be something that you want more than anything else.
There’s freedom.
So much freedom to be found.
Will you walk in it?
Will you do whatever it takes, even if it means feeling exposed and dirty in the process??
The outcome is worth it– of that I am sure.

On some level you just have to do it. You just have to decide you’re going to put it out there and follow through with it. To send them a text or an email ahead of time and say, “I need to meet with you to talk to you about something really important. I don’t want to talk to you about it, but I need to. I need you to make me talk about it.”

Don’t let it be optional for yourself.
And, honestly, if you think accountability isn’t going to be enough…go see a professional counselor. If it’s an addiction, that will be your better option.

In addition to accountability/counseling, there are going to be some hard questions that you’re going to need to be willing to process through for yourself. Because stopping a behavior is one thing, but getting to the root of why you even want to be involved in the behavior is another. Why do you look at porn? How does it benefit you…how does it enhance your life? What do you take away from it? When are you prone to look at it? What situations/emotions lead you into it? Why is hard for you to not do it? Why do you send inappropriate pictures of yourself to others- it is because you are asked to or because you just want to? How do you feel about yourself before/during/after? How does it make you and also the recipient a better person?

There are a lot of questions (much more than what I listed up there)… a lot of questions because there’s something important about getting down to the core of the issue. I can tell you all day long to just STOP…but, I want us to figure out what’s going on.  To be willing to examine why there’s the temptation and why it’s so hard to stop. To figure out what you’re getting out of this exchange that you’re not finding elsewhere.

And, in order to do those things… you have to be willing to talk about it. To go there. To walk into the darkness, holding onto a lantern…and even though you might be terrified of what lies around the corner, you’re not alone. You’re never alone as you face the demons, the sins, the struggles. And there is hope. There is freedom.

I can’t claim that for you enough…but you have to be willing to believe it yourself.
You have to be willing to go there, to do what it takes, to open up…
You have to want the freedom (as uncomfortable and scary as it seems initially) more than the cage that you’re currently in. You have to be willing to fight for it, to bleed for it, to die to yourself for it. And if you can’t make yourself get there, I pray that you would beg the Lord for Him to help you in the process.

Walk in freedom.
Let in the light.

The Comment:

When you stop looking they say that is when he comes into your life… Is it wrong to think that is bogus?

Is it wrong? Probably not.
But, that’s probably not what you’re really trying to ask. Wrong implies that it’s sinful, bad, incorrect thinking. It’s not any of those things. Can you be skeptical about that statement? Absolutely. But, it’s also hard to refute that in some instances that has proven to be true…that sometimes, someone has stopped looking….and then immediately he did appear.

I don’t personally hate the statement. I don’t love it, either. I think my biggest beef with statements like that is that they tend to generalize things too much. They seem to come with a invisible clause that makes you feel like a person is saying, ‘Until you stop looking, you won’t find him.’ Which might be fine if it were true. But, it’s not. There are too many other cases where people are looking and find the love of their life.

I think that’s often the problem with dating/relationship advice. People have a tendency to get caught up in what they know to be true and good in their own lives and then they think that it must be the standard for how it’s supposed to be. It makes sense, but I think it often breeds a certain feeling of inadequacy in others if they don’t feel like they measure up or are doing it ‘right’.

There were countless times where I heard the same phrase that you mentioned (just Google the quote and some version of the idea is smattered e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.re.). I was convinced that my problem was that I never could seem to stop looking. Everywhere I looked, I saw potential. How could I ever get to a point where I didn’t? It seemed unfathomable to me. When I talked to a cool guy, I couldn’t help but wonder… when I walked into a new place, I would scan the room for attractive males. And yet the words of many ran through my mind… if only I stop looking, then maybe this will happen.

So sometimes I tried. I really tried.
I prayed about it a lot, recognizing that if it were to ever happen…it’d have to be some supernatural force. It typically resulted in me not feeling like a very good Christian. Clearly I’m too focused on men and not enough on the Lord… and if I really cared abundantly more about God, I wouldn’t be so caught up in wondering about all the ‘what-ifs’ with guys. Guilt plagued me. Not only did I feel incompetent in focusing solely on Christ, but I thought if I couldn’t do that fully then I would never even meet a guy.

It was weird how the two got so twisted together in my brain. I struggled a lot with balance, with feeling like I idolized males too much…and even if anything ever did happen with a guy, I was scared that the Lord would ask me to give him up because I would be too obsessed or something.

But…
It doesn’t work like that. It was flawed theology.
The Lord isn’t cruel and out to get us. He is jealous for us, absolutely, but He loves us and wants good things for us. He wants to bless us with things…while simultaneously refining us into a better image of Himself. He also doesn’t work in a one specific way all of the time.

And, I think we need to remember that…as we hope for romantic love here on earth and as we offer advice to others who hope for it. Just because it worked for us in one way doesn’t mean it’s a general rule for how it’s going to (or how it should) work for someone else. Just because someone tells us that’s how it worked for them, it doesn’t mean that our story is going to look anything like that.

Mostly I think we just need to relax. To not look so hard to find some formula, some potion for love to magically appear. It’ll happen. And when it happens, that will look different, too. You may know immediately you’ve met your husband or it may take you three years to figure it out.

We have to be people who allow for the Lord to work uniquely in our own lives (and other’s lives) and to be willing to follow Him above all else. If that leads us to and through different things where we are simultaneously wondering what man we might meet in the process… cool. Don’t let it deter you from walking wholeheartedly with the Lord though. If following Him fully leads us to and through different things where we are completely oblivious to anyone of the opposite gender that’s around us? Cool. Keep doing your thing.

There isn’t a right way. It’s not hopeless if you’re more like me and feel unable to turn off that ‘switch’ that makes you stop looking for a mate. It doesn’t make you a bad person, a bad Christian, a pathetic or desperate lady. It’s just part of who you are and it’s good to be aware of it… and good to not let it consume you.

And so… maybe it’s okay to think it’s bogus sometimes. But, it’s not entirely bogus–it can’t be (for all those people out there that it ‘worked’ for). Maybe that’s how it’ll be for you. Maybe it’s not. Just don’t get caught up in the generalizations for how it’s ‘supposed’ to look when you finally end up with that guy. Be surprised. Be open. Don’t feel like you have to be doing it all a specific way in order to get the desired result.

Allow the Lord to orchestrate it all.
It’s abundantly better that way.

“I like that you eat macaroni with a fork.” – myself to a friend
“There’s no other way.” -the friend
“It makes me feel affirmed in my choice to always use a fork.” -myself
“Debbie, why do you need her to affirm your choice of utensil for eating macaroni?” -our other friend

I’m always surprised when people choose to eat macaroni and cheese with a spoon. There’s something strangely satisfying about pronging the individual noodles, and I find great comfort when others have the same tendencies as me. It’s as though they are saying that the fork does make more sense than the spoon. They get my decision. They understand it. They support it. They even choose it for themselves. It’s cool.

It’s perhaps a really ridiculous example to illustrate how much I seek affirmation from others…but I think it makes the point. If I get excited about someone ‘affirming’ my utensil choice for macaroni and cheese, how much more excited do I get when people affirm my other life decisions? The answer is… a lot. And, the greater question is, how much more challenging is it for me when people don’t affirm those decisions?

Because, I want people to like me.
And I want them to agree with me.
And I want them to understand why I make the decisions that I make and I want them to support me in those decisions. To a fault, sometimes. Sometimes I’m so honed in on what other people think, that I’m forgetting what I actually think in the process…and, more importantly, what the Lord thinks. I lose something valuable because I care too deeply about meeting the approval of others.

It’s especially important that the people close to me, that the people I respect and care about the most…that they affirm me. I want them to be excited for me when I make big life changes…when I quit jobs, move across the country, travel all over the world, like a new guy or start dating someone, take new jobs, begin graduate school and then leave graduate school, feel like the Lord is moving in me in ways that I can’t fully even comprehend myself. I want them to trust me…and to trust that, ultimately, the Lord has me.

But sometimes I find myself floundering, desperately affected by the lack of support from important people in my life. Because there’s something important to having wise council from people that know you and love you… and there’s something important to listening to what others have to say, especially when I could be missing something. But… sometimes they don’t know.

I guess I’m realizing lately that not everyone is going to ‘get it’. That often my decisions can seem crazy and ridiculous….sometimes even foolish. And as much as I want everyone to be on board, and as much as I want them to see things from my perspective, as much as I want them to understand the things I feel certain that the Lord is asking me to walk into or be a part of…. I can’t.

Because sometimes He asks us to build an ark.
Or to dwindle down our armies as we face overwhelmingly large enemies.
Or to marry a prostitute.
Or to feed 5,000 people with a few fish and loaves of bread.
Or to walk when we’ve been paralyzed our entire lives.
Or to forgive those who have wronged us…. endless amounts of times.

And most of the time that stuff seems foolish to the rest of the world. It seems foolish because God didn’t ask them and it goes against the things that we (as people) know, the things that are logical. They are things that don’t make sense. Why wouldn’t people question it?

I get it.
I don’t blame them.

As much as I cringe when people mock me for ‘never being able to leave camp’ or how I’ve ‘tried, but just can’t get away’… I get it. I get how it looks, how it’s perceived…but I’m starting to be okay with the fact that they may not really ‘get it’, either. They can’t possibly. I hardly do myself.

But, I’m okay with it. I have to be.
I’m striving to be okay with stepping into things that I don’t fully understand without 100% approval from the people around me. I want to do it with my eyes open, asking for advice and wisdom from those I trust…but, I don’t want to be unwilling because I’m scared and because not everyone is completely on board.

Because that doesn’t seem to be how God always works.
Sometimes people just don’t get it.
We do crazy, foolish, radical things because we truly believe the Lord is in it and moving us that direction (as long as it lines up with Scripture, of course)… and they don’t get it.

It’s okay.
As much as I love when people affirm my fork choice for macaroni, I get that much more excited when people affirm the big decisions in my life. But when not everyone does? I’m going to have to choose to be okay with that, praying that eventually….over time….that maybe they will get it.

Because in the end, I care abundantly more about doing what is good and pleasing in the eyes of the Lord than anyone else. As much as I’d like to think those always line up with the people who I trust and respect in my life…I don’t think they do or will. People are people.

They don’t get it.
I mean, I don’t always get it when other people do ridiculous things because of the Lord, either.
But, who am I to say any different?
Let’s be people who are willing to walk obediently to the Lord’s call, to the Lord’s moving in our lives…even when they don’t get it. Let’s be willing to look foolish and ridiculous because we believe so fully in the faithfulness of the Lord that it makes everything worth it. And let’s continue to invite them to join us in our endeavors to be more like Christ, not put off by their lack of understanding…but doing what we can to assemble those we trust around us as we move toward better. Not because we need the affirmation, but because it’s pretty sweet to be surrounded by others who support us, encourage us, and choose to even embark on it themselves because they have come to believe so fully in it.

Let’s not be discouraged.
But let’s continue to walk obediently into whatever the Lord has for us, no matter how foolish it may seem.

The Comment:

What about if he KNOWS. And you’re just sitting there like…..hmmm I don’t know. I know that it’s an inborn kind of thing to want to share your life with someone but at the same time I think I only got half of that gene (also I’m a selfish person-I realize this). I don’t want my life to revolve around a guy. Especially since I have things to do!! So what do I do if it’s the other way around? He knows but I don’t.

Great question…and great thoughts. 
You aren’t alone.
I think the tendency is for the assumption to be that all women want to get married and have a family, that we’re all just waiting for that ‘perfect’ guy to come along so we can get down to business. But, that hardly fits all women.

I watched Mona Lisa Smiles again recently, and was reminded of how unfulfilling a life of solely tending house, raising kids, and being a ‘good’ wife would be for me. Because, I have other things I want to do…that I want to pursue…and I want to have the room to dream about them, and then act on them. I want to be able to tend a house, raise kids and be a ‘good’ wife…but do abundantly more than that.

Not everyone is like that though. Some women are content and completely fulfilled taking care of their family, recognizing the huge responsibility before them and wanting to do it with excellence. Some women can’t imagine having kids, let alone rearing kids… the husband part sounds good, but not necessarily the whole family thing. Some women want to go it alone–no husband, no kids.

We’re all different…and it’s a beautiful thing.
And so I guess this is where I want us to be willing to understand ourselves better. What do we truly want/long for? In what ways are we gifted, in what things are we passionate about…and how do we move forward into those more fully in a way that reflects the Lord?

I think, for the woman (like you) who wants to share her life with someone but simultaneously doesn’t want her life revolving around a guy, there is hope. I think a lot of depends on the guy that you do end up choosing (because, despite how he feels and what he ‘knows’, you still get a choice in the matter). Is he someone who is going to push you to do the things you need to do outside of him? Is he going to encourage you in them? Support you in them? Is he going to help move you toward better? Are you going to be a better person, a better lover of the Lord, a better lover of people….because of him in your life? I think if that’s the case….I think if you find a man who is willing and able to let you flourish in your dreams, gifts, passions… you get the best of both worlds. If he’s a man who is going to stifle you and contain you and keep you from the things you love? You don’t have to choose that.

The Lord’s been reminding me lately that I get to choose.
He’s been reminding me that I could be single forever and probably (honestly) be quite content, but He’s reminding me that I could choose something else really good, too. That no one can make up my mind for me in that. He’s not going to, a man isn’t going to…..I get to choose.
So do you.
Don’t forget that.
If you’re interested in the possibility of sharing your life with someone, be willing to take a step. To go on a date. To get to know a guy. It doesn’t mean you’re committing your life to him yet. It doesn’t mean that you choosing ‘yes’ in one instance means that you’re choosing ‘yes’ forever with him. Find out, no matter how incredible of a man he is and no matter how sure he is that you’re it for him, if he is who you want to do life with.

Process through it, yes. Absolutely. It’s a life-altering, life-long commitment. It’s nothing to take lightly. But, sometimes I think we have the tendency to allow our own junk to interfere. That sometimes when we over-analyze it all, we get ridiculous about things in a bad way and don’t allow good things to happen.

Basically I think over-analyzing is always harmful. There’s a healthy balance. Don’t make rash, ridiculous decisions…but don’t mull through it to the point where there’s nothing good coming out of it, either. Don’t be afraid to make decisions. Don’t be afraid to say YES to a date because you think it means you’re committing your life away. Don’t feel like you have to, either.

So maybe he thinks he knows.
Allow yourself room to be a human with freedom and choices. Allow yourself to have good things. Allow yourself to dream big and to live life to the fullest (consumed by things that matter)…and recognize that sometimes living fully can absolutely include a husband and a family and making them a priority.

I think you’ll find someone who meshes well with your hopes and dreams for your own life. Someone who compliments you in that. It may not be the great guy who thinks he knows he wants to be with you….but it might be. Be willing to be open. Be willing to be wrong. Be willing to be surprised.

But, in the end?

You get to choose.
So, what’ll it be?

The Comment: 

People say when you know you know… Well I know he just hasn’t figured it out yet. [What do you do] when the person you are interested in is clueless. 

Another Comment (along the same lines): 

The question is always in the back of my mind. Will I ever get married? Am I supposed to get married. When do you know that you have found that guy. When do you know he is the right one. How do you know if he is the right one when there is no form of pursuing happening. Maybe I just answered my own question, but in my head it still remains. When do you know it is him. The man that the Lord has for you? Because right when I think I found him he obviously does not feel the same… Oh the questions in my head. 

I hear it a lot…
“When you know, you know.”
I’ve even written about it before.
And maybe it’s true… maybe it happens. But, I still don’t like us to think of it as a must…a prerequisite for marriage. And, I certainly don’t like it when we (as females) allow ourselves to think that just because we think we know, that it must be right.

Because, if I’m being honest, I probably thought knew a lot of times.
Probably once in high school… definitely once in college…and at least once since then (maybe even twice). The thoughts of, “He could be it… he could really be it! He has everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy!”  Only, there was a missing component. Lack of interest in me. Somehow it didn’t seem that important (or else it didn’t register)… it was as if I thought it would just happen because he was so perfect for me. How could it not? It was meant to be. Because I knew….and eventually he would too. Eventually the Lord would reveal to him how I was the person he was supposed to be with…right?

And so I waited.
And waited.
I put my heart out there over and over again, establishing friendships with these guys fully based in the hope that we would be together forever someday (once they realized it, of course). And I over-analyzed, of course. Oh, the questions in every girl’s head…

At some point you just have to STOP.
To stop processing, and re-processing, and processing yet again… to stop convincing yourself that it’s going to look a certain way or has to look a certain way. To stop creating scenarios in your head that are not reality and are merely based on your own hopes and dreams of what could be. It’ll drive you wild.

A helpful tip?
If you’re convinced that you know and he’s not showing any sort of romantic interest in you…? Be willing to admit that maybe you don’t know. I’m sure there are a few cases when a woman knew and it took the guy several years to come around… sure. I’m not saying it’s impossible. But I am saying that, regardless, let’s not be women who base our whole life and identity around that. Do your life, despite him. Don’t change your course because you think you have to intersect it with his somehow. If he is your guy, it’ll happen. If he isn’t, I think you doing what you need to do outside of any relationship is going to help you move on. That once you begin to live as though dating, relationships, marriage isn’t your sole purpose in life, you’re going to find much more fulfillment when you begin moving toward things that matter significantly more.

Honestly, I think that’s often the crux of our problem as women. Our continual desire and need to make men the means to our happiness. When we do that, everything revolves around them…whether they are a presence in our life or whether they aren’t. Whether we date all the time, or we never date at all. We define ourselves by our relationship status. We find our worth in it. We find our hope in it. We spend hours and hours analyzing, day dreaming, controlling, manipulating…convinced that when we know, it’s going to make the whole world right. We have to find him, obtain him, and keep him.

But what if we could live outside of all of that?
Outside of the over-analyzing of almost every male-female interaction? Outside of the needing to know what he’s thinking, what he’s doing, what he’s feeling, where he sees this going questions that we mull through constantly?

I only think it’s possible if we are willing and able to acknowledge that life is about abundantly more. That there’s more that matters. That if, while we’re chasing passionately after the Lord and someone happens to come alongside us and it makes us better pursuers, knowers and sharers of Jesus….that it’s good and just part of our lives instead of our whole lives. But up until (and even after) that point, what if we were people who cared about more? Invested in more? Spent time in more? Thought about more?

It’s a hard shift.
I guess I’ve just recognized in the last several months how consuming romance (or the idea of it) can be…and how much it can strip us, distract us, keep us from our bigger purpose in life. If it happens, let’s let it happen and let it move us toward better. But if it’s not happening right now? If he’s not digging you? Let’s be women who press on toward Jesus, no matter what. Let’s not get so wrapped up in when/if he’s going to ‘know’, and let’s be women who seek to know Christ and let that be what matters abundantly more.

Why?
Because, friends, that is a life worth living.
All the questions we can’t possibly answer about guys/relationships and all the theories we have and all the ‘right’ ways to do things? There are always exceptions, always stories that break the mold, always a different ways to do things successfully. People who never thought they’d get married who got married, people who thought they’d get married but never did. People who got married without knowing each other, people who got married after dating 20 years. People with arranged marriages, people who courted, people who online dated. It’s all unique, all different.. and it’s beautiful.

So, instead of spending so much time trying to figure out how to do it all ‘right’ (without ever really succeeding)… I just want us to be people who spend our time on the things that matter, the things we do know…and letting the other stuff happen as we go.

The questions are good questions. It is good stuff to process through. It’s natural to wonder. But, I want us to not dwell there, to not exist there… and to push on toward He who matters infinitely more than all of this.

Let’s STOP.
Stop all the questions about him.
Move toward more.

The Comment:

What if I fall in love with someone who isn’t a Christian?

What if…

Well, I think I’d start by saying that the way this question is phrased makes it sound as though it can’t be helped. Almost as if I imagine someone saying, “Debbie, you don’t get it. I fell in love with him. I couldn’t help it.”

In which my response is, “Really…?”
Because, I think love is a choice. And I think too often we allow our emotions to dictate that choice… as though there is no other alternative to the situation. There is.

While I could throw some Scripture about being ‘unequally yoked’ at you to prove my point, I’m not going to. Most of us know it. It’s not always a convincing argument (although it should be all we need). So, I’m going to say this…

I had a non-Christian man ask me several months back if I would ever consider dating a non-Christian man. In trying to navigate through the waters without offending, I explained it in such a way that conveyed the following: I wouldn’t date a non-Christian because so much of my being is wrapped up in my faith and my relationship with the Lord. I can’t imagine being married to someone who I couldn’t share that with. I can’t imagine trying to do life with someone who couldn’t relate to me on my most fundamental level.

It goes further than that, though. I need a man who can challenge me, encourage me, inspire me in my relationship with the Lord. I need us to agree on things that Scripture tells us is true… especially as we live life together. It has to be the thing we base our lives on, the place we go back to when we disagree as we sort through finances, raising children, loving our neighbors, when we face hardship and tragedy. If we don’t have that, our struggles will be even more intensified.

I need the man I marry to not just make me a better person, but a better lover of the Lord. If that’s lacking, the relationship doesn’t matter. It has to extend into eternity. Our relationship has to be about something far more than what this life is. Which means, if I marry a man who doesn’t know or love the Lord and he only makes me happy… that’s not good enough. It’s just not enough. Period.

And so, to the Christian who thinks they are in love with the non-Christian? I get it. I get that you feel connected, that you feel like you’ve never felt before, that it’s wonderful and incredible. I get it. But, I don’t get how, if you’re longing to know the Lord more intimately and deeply, how dating or marrying someone who doesn’t understand that core part of who you are could ever be truly fulfilling.

Yes, I also get that people can change and that they might become a Christian over time… but you don’t ever know that. You can’t bank on it (unless you’ve had some divine revelation from the Lord that I’m not going to argue with, but I would still caution against a life-long commitment).

I got an anonymous comment recently from a girl who had a crush on a guy who wasn’t a Christian. There was the potential of mutual interest, and so her immediate reaction was to avoid him, ignore him, distance herself from him. But she recognized that she was being called to love him even more…beyond the crush. That regardless of her romantic feelings for him, there was an infinitely greater call on her life to share Christ with him. This meant having a conversation that communicated that she was only interested in being his friend. And then it meant proceeding into a place that caused her heart to often soar, but she couldn’t go there romantically.

She wrote:

I’m hoping that this awkward ‘inappropriate crush’ situation turns into one where this boy that *almost* stole my affections comes to know the affections of the One True God…not so that I can date him. But so that he might have a life fulfilled in the marriage-love of the Father.

And that’s beautiful to me.
Because, in the end, it’s not about us dating some really awesome guy for the sake of our own happiness. It’s about furthering the Kingdom of God. It’s about loving Him and loving others, not with our own agenda in mind. And whatever gets us to that place (being single forever, or married to man who helps make us better in our endeavor)…that is what is better.

I commend how this girl handled her predicament. She didn’t play games with him, she didn’t flirt with him, she didn’t wait for him to pursue her and then tell him she couldn’t date him. She was honest from the beginning and then sought to love him regardless.

So while you very well may find yourself in a situation where you feel like you’re ‘falling’ in love with someone who doesn’t share your core beliefs? You get to choose how to respond. You get to choose how to act. You could to choose how to love them or if you will love them.

I hope you are willing to see it as a choice. That you’re willing to look at what Scripture says about this issue and pay heed. That you’re willing to see the weight that an imbalance with such a heavy, deep important thing can have in a romantic relationship.

There will be someone that connects with you deeply and spiritually…that pushes you to know Jesus more in the way that they live and the way that they talk.
You don’t have to compromise on this…nor should you.

It’s worth waiting for.
No matter what emotional dream you’re caught up in right now, stand firm in what you know to be true about this.

Choose what’s better.
Choose what’s right.
And remember that you not choosing to date someone because you don’t believe the same things isn’t bad…and it doesn’t mean you don’t care about them. It just means that this matters. It matters too much to play around with. And you can still love them beyond romantic intentions… you can love them beyond your own happiness. It just might have to look different than you sometimes want.

It’s worth it.

The Comment: 

I am looking for advice about relationships in the context of sexual temptation. I think it’s actually a more common point of fault among Christians but few admit to it. I will admit I have struggled with it and gone too far physically. I once thought that keeping it a secret and removing and breaking ties with the person was the way around it. That is a start, but there is more to restoration and learning to fight against lust, and using the armor of the Lord in another step I think. There is power in confessing our sins to each other and having accountability. It can help free us from the shame or guilt Satan tries to bind us with. I am wondering what your advice is for people in the situation who know they have been wrong and want to overcome lust and restore their heart. Where does one start?

Thanks for your honesty, especially in regards to an issue that is, yes, often surrounded by guilt and shame.

There’s a lot going on here, a lot to address… and it isn’t very easy/comfortable stuff for most of us to talk about. While we can quickly throw up boundaries around our dating relationships and convince ourselves that we would never go further than [fill in the blank]…we often find ourselves in precarious situations where we compromise just a little. And then a little more. And then a little more….  It doesn’t seem very harmful in the beginning, but eventually we’re tied up in something that’s more than what we bargained for.

I didn’t meant to do that…
Guilt consumes. Shame bears down on us. How did I get here…? I never thought I would have done that… Sometimes we want to blame the other party. Sometimes we take full responsibility ourselves. It’s messy, because we’ve entered into a physical intimacy with someone else that isn’t committed to us for life….we’ve entered into a physical intimacy that wasn’t intended for us… yet.

I want to stop right here and acknowledge, again, that sexual desire isn’t bad. I think it’s a natural tendency for us to slip into ‘temptation’ and ‘lust’ and immediately convince ourselves that everything sexual is bad and wrong. I think that’s the wrong reaction and begins to foster a contempt for something that is meant, in the right context, to be so good.

So, in terms of how to handle being in a situation where you’ve messed up and want restoration and to overcome lust? I don’t know if there’s an exact science to it, if there’s a formula to follow…but there’s maybe some good guidelines to adhere to.

What I do know is that I think it’s important and valuable for us to simply acknowledge that we have sexual desires. It’s okay. It doesn’t make us bad people. It makes us people…created fully with desire, a longing for sexual intimacy. The sooner we can acknowledge that we’re sexual beings, I think the sooner we’re able to figure out how to then proceed.

I think it’s important to be self-aware. To know your tendencies, to know the things that cause you to want to go further, to know the things that cause you to lust. This is going to look different for different people…and it’s certainly going to look different between males and females. If you know that laying down next to your boyfriend has tempted you push your boundaries, don’t do it. If you know that being alone with your boyfriend causes you two to immediately take advantage of the privacy, make sure you’re always in public settings. It requires self-control, self-discipline, a wanting and striving for holiness above the immediate gratification that the sexual act will provide.

The thing about boundaries is that only you (and your significant other) are the ones deciding whether you stick to them or not. As much as accountability can be an important thing, probably all of us have lied about something we’ve done or only told ‘half-truths’ or conveniently found ways to navigate around our friends’ interrogations as they attempt to hold us accountable to the things we said we wanted (i.e. ‘You asked if we kissed, and we didn’t… I just forgot to inform you that we found other ways to explore each other’s bodies…’).

My point is that accountability only really works if we want it to. If we’re willing to be truly open and honest about where we’re at in our relationships. It only works if the person keeping us accountable is willing to ask hard, awkward questions and then respond with both grace and a steady call to greater when we admit that we’ve messed up. We have to feel safe in these relationships. Safe, but without allowance. It doesn’t work if two people are holding each other accountable, both messing up, and mostly just relieved that they aren’t the only ones who weren’t willing to hold tight to their boundaries.

Confession is huge. I think you’re right.
Because once light is brought into the darkness, into the secret things that we try to hide, the sooner healing can happen. The sooner we are able to find hope, the sooner we are able to receive encouragement and a push toward purity and self-discipline.

So, if you’re in a spot where you’ve messed up….where you’ve gone too far sexually and you don’t feel like you know how to recover? I assure you that there’s hope. Don’t condemn yourself for having sexual desires, but let’s be people who understand ourselves well enough to know how to have self-control, who know how to flee from temptation when we need to, who know how to make decisions that push us toward better (especially in our relationships).

Attempt to discern what you need to do in order to maintain purity in your relationships. While, yes, it can be harder to not ‘mess up’ once you’ve gotten to a certain point physically, it’s not hopeless. You just have to want it. You have to want purity more than the sex. Your desire for the Lord has to be greater than your desire for the other person, than your desire for physical gratification. It has to be. Sometimes this means stepping away from a relationship, but oftentimes it just means taking an honest look at yourself and being willing to evaluate where your heart is really at. It means living in a way that’s refraining from what your flesh wants. It means living in a way that you trust the Lord with your sexual desires and are unwilling to act outside of that in your own timing and in your own way.

It doesn’t mean denying desire.
But it does mean understanding the desires, understanding how they affect you…and how to best control them.

I do encourage confession with someone that you trust, someone who you know will continually point you back to Christ. Confession that’s honest, raw, and full of reminders that even in our imperfections and screw-ups, the Lord is still faithful in loving us. Confession that ends on our knees as we recognize our continued need for Christ’s grace to cover us.

But let us not be people who take advantage of the grace.
Let us be people, instead, who feel the weight of our sin…and we allow it to move us toward the better. Let us be people who are truly changed because of how Christ has saved us, redeemed us and called us to Himself.

We have to want Him more than all of the stuff in this world… because none of the other stuff matters.

There’s hope.
Even in the worst situations, even in the biggest mess-ups, even when you did that when you never thought you would (or could)… there’s a way out. Your life doesn’t have to be defined by guilt and shame.

Move forward into the better.
It is for you.

I’m a little girl, standing in front of a present that I’m dying to open.

Only, I’m scared.
As much as I want the present, I’m not convinced it’s for me and I’m not convinced that what’s inside is actually what I think it is. I’m scared that the moment I step out to grab it, someone will take it away from me. This isn’t for you…not this time. I’m scared that the moment I rip into it, instead of the pony that I’ve been wanting my entire life, I’ll find myself ensnared by a dragon. A cruel joke.

Because it’s happened before.
And so I’m scared to try again.
But I want the present…and so much of me is convinced that it’s truly good, that it’s exactly what I want, that it’s intended just for me.

I wonder how much our past ruins us sometimes.
How much do the wounds inflicted, the trust that’s been broken, the fears that have taken such a deep root in us ruin us? How much do they ruin the good things in our lives because we’re unwilling to believe that this time it could actually be different?

I’ve found myself continually resistant and fearful of the good in my life (can’t you tell?). It’s a place of vulnerability as I try to navigate through the waters of brokenness and pain and emerge on top as hopeful and excited. How does one find the strength to get back up on the bike after she has crashed, skidded and bruised up her body? How does one overcome the fear of riding in cars after a brush with death in a car accident?

How do we recover?
How do we keep on going?
How do we hope for different results when all we know is the pain and disappointment of rejection, betrayal, and abandonment?

I’m actually recognizing how much easier it is to do heartbreak. As much as I sometimes feel like I couldn’t bear it ever again, there’s a safety in the fact that it’s known. I know what it feels like to have pain. I know what it feels like to open the present and have it not be what I wanted. I know what it feels like to have the present dangled in front of me and then taken away. I know how to move on. I know how handle my heart getting ripped out of my chest. And as awful and heart-wrenching as it is, I know it.

It’s this strange existence of wanting the good, being scared of the good, finding comfort in the bad, while simultaneously recognizing how the bad makes me scared of wanting, hoping and believing there could be good. Because the bad affects us. The bad affects our ability to receive the good as fully as we might otherwise long to. And yet, for whatever ridiculous reason, we find ourselves embracing the bad because at least it’s something we know, something we know how to handle.

But I want the good.
I want the fullness of the gift that’s intended for me that’s everything I hoped it could be, even though I know it’s nothing I deserve. I want to believe that it’s possible. No matter how many times the gift has been snatched back, no matter how many times it’s not turned out to be what I want…I want to believe that it’s possible.

To not dwell in the pain of the past, to not be limited by my broken perspective, to not exist in lost hope… but to truly hope, to trust, to believe that God is who He says He is. To recover. To keep on going. To get back on the bike and ride again, convinced that this time around there’s a good chance I won’t fall. To not find comfort in what is known and step into something unknown…

To open the gift.
To embrace the goodness of what lies within.
To be hopeful that this time…. this time it may just be for me and it may just be exactly what I’ve always wanted.

It’s a beautiful thing.
The hope that we can cling to because of how faithful the Lord truly is.

Because of how He heals, because of how He redeems, because of how He saves. And then on top of all that (as if He hasn’t already done enough…), He lavishes gifts upon us. Gifts that are intended for us that are exactly what we’ve been praying for all along.

Let us learn to receive without trepidation, without fear of the unknown and wounds of the past influencing our ability to walk faithfully into the blessings the Lord has for us.

Even when we are so unworthy…
He still gives abundantly more than we could ever fathom.

I’m opening the gift.
Hopeful.
Excited.
Nervous.
But fully confident that this is what the Lord has for me right now and that it’s even better than what I thought it ever could be.