Author: debbie beal

I’ve been wondering lately how often people make decisions based out of fear.

There have been a few conversations here and there where, as I listen to people sort through their reasoning for deciding something, the only thing I can hear in the process is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change.

There’s this fear that plagues us sometimes…and it soon becomes the decision-maker in our life. If I can’t know the end result, I’m more prone to avoid walking down that particular path. It makes sense, right? We want to know that we’re going somewhere that is sure to be filled with success, joy, good stuff. If we can’t guarantee that, why would we head that direction?

It makes sense, especially, in regard to relationships. Oftentimes we don’t ever want to enter into a relationship unless we fully believe it’s going to work out. We go into relationships with every hope and intention that it’s going to be successful….and if it seems doomed from the beginning, we usually bow out (unless we’re just in it for a temporary good time). Honestly, even in a “successful” relationship, there can be a lot of fears there and a lot of unknowns. Sometimes, because a successful relationship is so unknown to me, it feels easier to get out and move into something I’m much more comfortable with, something that’s much more known. At this point in my life, it’s more known to end a relationship than it is for me to stay in one forever.

It also applies to future life decisions–like jobs, schools, moving. We want variables that we can count on. We move back home because we know people there, we know the short-cuts, we know which grocery stores to shop at, which restaurants to go to. We move to areas where we know people because, even if everything else is new, there’s a certain stability to having a small community of people who know us. We take jobs that are within our realm of expertise, or different jobs at places we have worked before. There’s something familiar that draws us to places… and that isn’t necessarily bad.

I just wonder how often we are willing to step into places where we know nothing. Where we don’t allow the fear of the unknown to be a factor in our decisions…
I wonder how often we look at our motivations and are able to identify them as driven mostly by fear, and then what it might look like if we were willing to remove that as an obstacle in our lives?

Are you hesitant to date that person because he’s a man of bad character and you’re not attracted to him at all? Or is it because you’re scared of letting someone in… you’re scared of a relationship working out… you’re scared that you don’t know what’ll happen in the end?

Are you hesitant to take that job because it might require something of you that you feel inadequate in? Are you hesitant because it’s in a place where you know no one and nothing? Are you hesitant because it’s different than anything you’ve ever done before?

There’s a lot of things that we take into consideration when making decisions…especially big decisions… and I’m not saying we shouldn’t factor all these things in. But, I am challenging all of us to look at our reasons for them. Are they fear-based? Are the fears rational? Or are they simply rooted in the unknown? Are they rooted in a fear of change?

I don’t want us to be people who miss out on good…on places/things that the Lord is calling to because it’s unknown, because it’s different, because it’s new.

So, when you make your pros/cons list as you process through your life-decisions, I’d urge you to dive deep into the reasons why your cons are your cons and your pros are your pros. I’d urge you to be willing to jump into the unknown, especially if it has the potential of being good down the road. I’d urge you to walk down a path because you’re ultimately trusting that the Lord is going to be faithful to you when you’re open to new adventures and seeking to live obediently.

There may not be a wrong choice.
But, I’d hate to see us live a life of regret because of how we let fear make our decisions for us.

The Comment:

Why is it so hard to take off our masks? To take down those veils that we so carefully put up to keep people from really knowing us. It’s like I want so badly to have those transparent relationships with people, but I freeze up when the time comes to talk to them. I guess part of it is the fear of feeling judged…but I know in that same vein that I shouldn’t worry about that because the things that I’d feel judged about are all in my past. I’m not that person anymore. But it’s still hard to be really real with people.

Yes.
Yes it is.
I’ve been thinking lately about how much I still try to hide while simultaneously trying to be honest. It’s really quite exhausting.

I often ask myself: How can I be a good example, while also admitting the millions ways that I don’t have it all together? How can I openly admit my darkness while not leading others down a path where sin seems justifiable to them? How can I fully take off the mask so that others are encouraged and challenged without simply seeing my sin, judging me, and rationalizing sin in their own lives (i.e. Debbie does/did it…so it can’t be that bad, right?)

It’s a fine line. A balancing act.
Then again, I don’t necessarily think that the place for my confession of sins is via the Internet. My place to fully let down my mask isn’t through various blog entries. I can be vulnerable, real, honest…but also maintain a degree of an appropriate amount of disclosure.

It becomes tricky when I allow that to extend to all areas of my life, though. If my closest friends, mentors, my fiance are never allowed into the inner circle of what’s going on… that’s when something is wrong.

I think it’s important to ask yourself a few questions:

1. Who are you wearing your mask around? All people, or just some? 
2. Why do you think you’re still wearing it? Is it simply out of fear of being judged…or is there another reason?  

Whenever I watch American Idol auditions, I wonder at least a few times, “Who are the people telling these people that they should go on national television and sing?”

I guess I get it. We’re a society that urges people to chase dreams, and no one really wants to be the person who dashes anyone’s hopes. But, I value honesty. And sometimes we have to be willing to recognize that maybe (just maybe), we’re not quite as good at something as we hope we might be.

I’ve been wondering it a lot myself, lately.
I see a bazillion blogs and articles get posted and I think, “Dang… she can write. Why am I even trying?” I feel like an American Idol contestant who only dreams of that golden ticket that’s gonna take me to Hollywood (which, in reality, still doesn’t mean much of anything).

Most days I want to quit.
Most days I think I should.
Most days I don’t even know why I started.

And then there are the quiet few. The quiet few that urge me to keep going. Sometimes I tune their voice out, believing quite fervently that they are the ones pushing me to audition for the sake of a few laughs on national television that are forgotten as soon the scene changes. But, oftentimes I listen.

They’re the whispers that gently say, “Keep going. This matters. This affects me. It challenges me. It makes me feel like I’m not alone. Your voice matters. You remind me of truth, even when I don’t always want to hear it.”

The Quiet Few.

They aren’t always the same voices, either.
And so I keep going, recognizing that the end to all this madness doesn’t have to be fame or fortune. It doesn’t have to be wild success of Pulitzers and popularity.

Perhaps it’s just one or two.
Perhaps those American Idol contestants embarrass themselves on national television but they bless a few in their most inner circles. Perhaps it’s their babies, as they sweetly sing them to sleep at night. Maybe a local congregation of church-goers (who might be mostly deaf, but eager to see a young face passionate about using their voice for the Lord). Maybe family members on important family occasions.

Maybe the Quiet Few.

Too often we give up on our dreams because we aren’t good enough. There’s always going to be someone better than us, more talented, more successful…. people are going to want others more than us. There’s always an excuse to give up (unless on the rare occasion that you’re a prodigy).

But what if we shifted our dreams.
What if it wasn’t about numbers of people, what if it wasn’t about our own worldly success? What if it was simply about doing something that mattered? And what if it only matters to a few, but it still matters? Or what if it was about who we’ll meet along the journey of pursuing our passions and the impact we might have on them?

I’m probably never going to “make it” as a writer.
I imagine I’ll keep writing though.
(For those of you who wonder why, you can thank all of those people who keep telling me to.)

Because I’ve decided, even if it’s just a few, it’s worth it.
Even if exposing my life to the world wide web does good for one or two, I’ll keep going. Even if trying to eventually write a book falls short of actual publishing and only makes it into the hands of my inner circle of support through self-publishing… I’ll do it.

It’s part of pressing on, pushing through, believing that the passions I have matter and when I’m directing them toward the One who matters, I can’t really go wrong.

There are always going to be better writers, better singers, better musicians, better comedians, better speakers, better entrepreneurs, better artists, better photographers, better chefs, better doctors, better bosses, better athletes, etc. etc. (you get the idea….and most of the time, ‘better’ is subjective, anyway). But it doesn’t mean that we should quit. It doesn’t mean that we should give up. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

Maybe we need to start listening to The Quiet Few in our life who remind us that what we’re doing matters, and maybe we need to dive deeper in. And maybe I’m not quite as good as I wish I were, and maybe I’ll never be… but maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s not about fame and fortune, and maybe impacting only one or two for good can matter, too.

Maybe…
I guess we each get to decide for ourselves.

As I continue to grow my silver hairs out, I sorta get excited about getting older.
With age comes wisdom, and I can’t help but think of how much more of a credible source I become when I’m no longer in my twenty-somethings attempting to pretend like I have anything figured out (because we all know, by now, that I know nothing).

But, I can’t help but feel like sometimes we get tunnel-vision when we think about who we will eventually be and oftentimes feel quite discontent with who we currently are. There’s this heavy weight over us that can make us feel like where we’re at isn’t quite good enough…and so we push on toward better (usually, anyway). We’re unsatisfied with our current state.

As a new aunt, I’ve found myself often saying things like, “I can’t wait until she can laugh!” or, “I can’t wait until he can say my name!” or, “I can’t wait until she can actually be excited to see me!”

Because, as cute as my niece and nephew are, I’m still this stranger to them. I find myself wishing that they were older, that they understood more, that they had a greater capacity to actually love me and not just depend on me from time-to-time (on the rare instances when their parents entrust them to me to watch for a few hours, that is).

But I also love right where they’re at and I hate thinking about them getting bigger so fast. I recognize that this stage of their development will be gone too soon and before I know it, they’ll be running around, screaming ‘NO’ and asking that I play ridiculous games with them over and over and over again. Right now I’m content to ask them what a monkey says and filled with joy when they mutter, “ooo ooo ooo ooo.”

Sometimes I wonder if the Lord sees it the same way. Maybe He’s excited about our growth and about who we’ll eventually be and the ways we will mature and become more like Him as time passes, but in the meantime…maybe He just loves exactly who we are in this moment. Maybe He loves that all we can do is make monkey noises and He’ll find so much joy in that, while simultaneously being excited about where He knows we’re going to be in a few years.

Maybe there’s a both/and.
And maybe, in that, we don’t have to feel so unsatisfied about where we’re currently at. He loves us right here, in the midst of immaturity and ignorance. He’s sees the good in where we’re at, He’s embracing the things about us that will eventually change as we grow….perhaps even enjoying how unrefined and uneducated we are at times. There’s something unique to the way we speak so rawly and openly about Him, even if it isn’t always tactful or filled with grace. It’s filled with passion and love. And, maybe, as we grow, those things start to become more filtered as we learn more about how different people respond to different things and how to better become all things to all people so that some might be saved.

We’re constantly learning.
We’re constantly growing.
And the Lord is loving us the same throughout it all. He is just as thrilled with us when we are infants as He will be when we are elderly (both physically and spiritually).

My point is that I don’t want us to get lost in having to always be something different, or in becoming something greater. Sometimes these stages that we go through are vital in our development as people, as believers. Sometimes we have to learn how to crawl before we can learn how to walk, even though we want to be walking right away. Sometimes we have to be willing to drink milk before we start chomping on the meat. Sometimes things just take time.

And it’s okay.
We have to trust that we’re right we’re at for a reason, for a purpose… and the Lord is finding just as much joy in where we are at right now as He will be when we are older, more mature, more educated, more grounded. Because we’re committed to doing what we can with what we’ve been given, during this season.

Aspire to be great, to be more like Jesus…. absolutely.
But don’t be frustrated when it feels like it’s taking a while, when you’re limited in your own growth. Good things are happening.
He’s using you, just as you are….even through all of your flaws and imperfections, loving you all-the-while.

It’s a beautiful/cool thing to me.
I hope it is to you, too.

He loves us.
No matter where we’re at.
He takes great joy in us, even when we feel slow, dimwitted, and ridiculously incompetent a lot of the time.

I pray we would receive it.
That we would find hope in it.
That we would move forward, pressing on toward what lies ahead…but simultaneously being content where we are at, no matter our circumstances.
Being excited about where we are heading and who we are becoming….and excited about who we are and where the Lord has already brought us from so far.

Still imperfect, yet deeply loved.

I found the man of my dreams and all my problems have disappeared!
Would you believe it if I said it were true?
And, maybe if you don’t fully believe it, does a small part of you kind of believe it?

That if you just found the right guy, then things in your life would get a lot better…?
You’d never be lonely. You’d never be insecure. You’d never be jealous. You’d never doubt. You’d finally have this piece of life figured out and you could focus on other things, right?

I’m happy to report that it’s not true.
The movies, the books, the magazines, the Facebook timelines that depict a life of perfection once the husband and kids come along…? The problems don’t disappear… they just change, they shift. Oftentimes they are even enhanced.

Let’s take two sinful people and put them together for the rest of their life. They will sleep together, eat together, raise children together, sometimes even work together. Let’s take two people with different upbringings, different traditions, different values, different perspectives. Let’s put them together and expect there to only be happily-ever-afters. Let’s forget to mention the struggle to effectively communicate (in ways that are also gentle and respectful), the struggle to constantly be selfless, the struggle to unconditionally love. Let’s forget to talk about sacrifice, compromise, the altering of plans and hopes and dreams.

When I think about all of that, I truly believe it’s a miracle that any marriage survives.

I feel like I’ve had time to process through the pros and cons of being in a marriage-type relationship. If I’m being honest, there were times in my past, while able to acknowledge all the hardships of what that type of relationship can bring, it didn’t matter. All I could see was a life-long companion who I could love deeply and vice versa. My eyes were glossed over and I felt like all my problems could vanish if only I could get married. It was a chosen naivety. I wanted it so desperately sometimes that I wasn’t willing to consider the negatives of the situations I was in. I wanted it so desperately that sometimes (even if brief), I was willing to consider taking anyone who might possibly want me.

All that to say, I didn’t enter into my current relationship lightly. I did it, fully knowing that this wasn’t the solution to my problems. This wouldn’t be what saved me. In fact, in the conversation that led to us deciding to date, one of his bigger concerns involved this very issue. His past had brought him to a place of recognizing how attached the heart can become and how very crushed it can get. He, in no way, wanted to ever crush me… and he feared he could.

I remember telling him, very clearly, that I was okay. That with or without him, I was okay. That the Lord had me and that he, as my boyfriend, couldn’t take responsibility for ‘crushing’ me. Sure, things might end in heartbreak….but that’s different than devastation, a squandering of my whole being. And sure, even if things worked out, that there might be heartaches and disappointments along the way…but that’s different than him ever ruining me. And even if there’s joy and excitement and lots of love… it’s a far cry from him ever saving me or fixing all my problems. 

I don’t want anyone to ever look at my life and let this be the end of my story. “Debbie was a cool single lady, aspired after the Lord in all things, was faithful and eventually (even after tears, doubts and giving up from time to time) met the man of her dreams.” That can’t be the end. Because the story still goes on. My problems aren’t solved. My relationship doesn’t save me, it doesn’t fix me. There’s still junk, there’s still refining, there’s still learning how to live life with a man (which sometimes, honestly, sounds terrifying and exhausting….while simultaneously sounding wonderful and adventurous).

Meeting the man doesn’t solve anything.
I mostly wish we’d be women who truly believe that.
That as much as we can be hopeful for the day when it happens for us, that we never let ourselves believe that we’ve found the answer when he comes along.

Because being single isn’t the problem. It’s what we become, what we do, how we think that becomes the problem when we let our singleness define us. And that stuff doesn’t just disappear when we meet the guy.

He won’t save you.
He won’t fix all your problems.
You’ll still be lonely, jealous, insecure… and then you have the added on problem of the guy who can’t understand why you’d ever feel that way when he’s right there.

He doesn’t fill the void. He can’t. He was never meant to.

I have found the man of my dreams, and I still have problems. Some things get better, some things get harder.
My story goes on.
We’ll wrestle through them together because we both fervently believe that, while we can’t save each other, we must look to and point each other to the One who can. It’s the only way we’ll survive. It’s the only way it’ll work.

And, it’ll be a miracle when it does.
Because it’s hard.
And we both have problems, we’re both still sinners.

And yet, we have been saved.
I have found the man of my dreams, and I am so thankful.
But the story has hardly begun.

The comment:

I keep listening to this song, wishing my heart wasn’t so numb to Jesus.

It was a response to a post a while back.
And while I wish I didn’t identify with this, I do.

Numb: deprived of the power of sensation.

We so desperately want to feel Jesus that oftentimes we believe it’s necessary to continue following Him. And while, yes, I think it’s a pretty powerful component in our relationship with Him…I think it can also become a crutch for us.

Here’s how I see it:
We have these mountaintop experiences with the Lord where everything feels exactly the way we think it’s supposed to. We love Jesus, we know He loves us… we’ll do anything for Him. We’ll go anywhere, we’ll give up anything, we’ll love whomever He asks us do. We’re sold out believers. Every time we read our Bibles, we feel like He’s telling us something new…We’re on fire! En fuego! Nothing can or will ever stop us from this mission we are on! 

But then time passes.
The fire dims.
We’re reading the Bible, but we feel nothing. In fact, it’s hard to do more than just skim over the words. We’re praying, but it just feels like we’re speaking words into nothing. We’re talking about the Lord, but mostly just saying the things that we know make us sound like we are on top of our game. Times of worship are filled with frustration.. filled with zero sensation. 

Our hearts plead, “Jesus, where are you? Why can’t I feel you anymore? I know this song, this passage, this Truth, this situation should be moving me..but it’s not. What’s wrong with me??” 

And that often becomes the thing we believe over all other things: that something is wrong with us. That we aren’t doing something right. That we are being punished. That the Lord has abandoned us. That we need to do more of something. That we’re disconnected and it’s all our fault. 

This feeling of numbness, of disconnectedness often moves us in two opposite directions. One pushes us further into various disciplines: If only I read my Bible more, if only I pray more, if only I serve more, if only I love others better… then I will feel close to Jesus again. Then I’ll be on the right track. The other is when our numbness turns into apathy…and we just start to distance ourselves further from the Lord. Who cares if I read my Bible at all? Who cares if I serve or if I love well? None of it matters. And we eventually find ourselves in a place we’d never imagined we’d be: numb, apathetic, lonely and, more often than not, swallowed up in some form of darkness.

It’s hard… I get it. It’s hard to go from a place of truly feeling the Lord to being in a place where you feel nothing. It’s hard to be at the point of tears when you’re presented with the Gospel and then be in a place where it just feels like a story you’ve heard many times before. It’s hard to not feel like something is wrong with you when that transition takes place.

But, I don’t think there is anything wrong with us.
In fact, sometimes I think we can place to much power on the experiential aspect of our faith and disregard the facts of our faith.

If in the height of my most spiritual experiential encounter I can acknowledge Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I also, in the depths of numbness and apathy, should be able to acknowledge Him as the same. How I feel doesn’t ever change who He is and what He has done for us.

I think that’s the point the Lord wants us to be at in our relationship with Him. The point where we are going to choose Him, no matter what. The point where we are going to make our decisions (despite how we feel in the moment) in a way that honors Him and reflects Him.

The point of our faith isn’t to be in a constant state of feeling close to the Lord…the point of our faith is to walk further into it, to live in such a way where we seek to know Him more, when we are obedient to the call on our lives…even when we feel numb or apathetic. My end goal can’t be about achieving a closeness with the Lord based on my emotions. I’m far too emotionally unstable for that to ever be the case. My end goal has to be glorifying Him, acknowledging Him as Lord…in every season, no matter where I’m at or what I’m feeling at the time. It’s part of the covenant I have entered into.

I think it’s normal to feel distant at times… I think it’s normal to feel numb. Is it ideal? No. But, what in this life is at all times? I think it’s more about what we do when we’re numb, when we’re apathetic, when we’re feeling distant and disconnected from Jesus.

Do we let the emotions drive us?
Do we let them define us?
Or do we let the truth about who Jesus is drive us and define us?
You may not be doing anything wrong when you feel distant from the Lord, when you feel numb. But will you prove yourself faithful to Him in those times? Will you still be obedient? Will you still be willing to go anywhere, do anything, love anyone? Will you still keep your eyes focused on Him?

We can’t ever read our Bibles enough or pray enough (at least I never have been able to…not to the point where I was able to say, “Okay, I’m done. That was sufficient enough.”)…and I’m not convinced that those are the things that will always draw us into feeling intimacy with the Lord. It’ll often happen in the most random of times when we least expect it (sometimes even when we’ve done nothing ‘right’).

It’ll be He who orchestrates it all.
In the meantime, I’ll do what I have been asked to do…no matter how I feel.
Because I believe that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, in the highs and in the lows. It is He who loves me, saves me, heals me, reconciles me to God. Sometimes that alone will bring me to tears as I feel the power (and humility) of what that means for my life…and sometimes that’ll just be a fact that I live my life by.

May we find freedom in acknowledging Jesus Christ as our Savior, no matter how we feel. May we find freedom in not always having to question what’s wrong with us…but allowing ourselves to wait patiently for the Lord to bring us into those emotional moments with Him. We don’t have to make them happen…they aren’t the crux of our faith.

Jesus is.

Let’s not make it so much about us that we forget about Him.

You know how people can tell you that they love you, but you don’t really grasp what that means (or maybe you just don’t want to…)?

Maybe people have been telling you your whole life that they love you, but you deny it. You think that they only love you because they “have” to or that they’re just saying it because they think they’re supposed to. But sometimes you just have these moments where you actually realize the depth of it all…and you actually believe them.

I feel like I’ve been having a lot of those moments lately.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve spent a lot of my life rejecting the notion that people could ever truly love me, or perhaps it’s because I’ve just entered into sappy, love territory… but lately I’ve just been overwhelmed by it. Aside from my fiancé (although I’m continually blown away by how much a man can love me and show me that he loves me when I’m so undeserving of it), I feel like other people have come out of the woodworks and just…loved me.

Or maybe it’s now that I’m at a point where I finally have to let people love me and before I’ve been able to keep pushing it away, I’ve been able to deny it. I now have to recognize that a marriage cannot be successful if I’m continually telling my husband that he doesn’t really love me, if I’m continually believing this lie that he never could love me. And so I have to let him love me… which means I have to actually believe that he does love me (and that he’ll choose to love me forever…eek!).

Once I allow this mindset to enter in, I can’t very well think that only he could love me either. And so the floodgates have opened. Even the people that have told me that they’ve loved me my whole life (like my family)… I feel like it’s just now truly starting to register.

I wish I hadn’t waited so long.
I spent a lot of my time wishing people loved me (almost desperate for it at times), yet still unwilling to receive the love that was being constantly offered to me. Still being blind to it because it seemed too hard to let in, to identify, to understand. I wish I hadn’t been the constant skeptic, the girl in the denial, the one who chooses to believe it’s better to trust no one than to trust and get hurt. I wish I hadn’t been so worried about protecting myself, that I wasn’t so quick to scoff at the words, that I didn’t cast them away just as quickly as they came my way.

Because people love me.
It’s weird.
It’s weird because it’s true.
And it’s weird because, oftentimes, I’ve done nothing to earn their love or deserve their love….so it’s hard for me to understand why they would, why they could.

But maybe that’s the point.
Maybe in my finally allowing myself to believe that others could truly love me, that there’s this greater depiction of Christ’s love for me in it. An allowing myself to more fully believe His love for me that runs far deeper, wider, longer than anything on this earth that I know.

Do people tell you that they love you…?
Do you believe them?
I hope that you do.
I hope that you don’t scrutinize, that you don’t deny, that you don’t reject the love that others offer you. I hope that you spend more of your life receiving the love and then, as a direct response, giving it to others. And, I pray, that it would be a true reflection of the Greater Love of the Lord.

Because He loves you.
It’s weird.
It’s weird because it’s true.
It’s weird because we’ve done nothing to earn His love or deserve His love…so it’s hard for us to understand why He would, why He could.

But, He does.
They do.

I’ve been humbled to the point of tears as I recognize the depth of the love that is constantly given to me. All I can do is receive it with open hands of gratitude as I fall flat on my face.

Thank you. For loving me so well. For loving me so much.
Even when I mess up, when I don’t give anything in return, even when I’m selfish, even when I walk away…
I am loved.

I can’t get away from it.
But, for the first time in a long time, I don’t want to.

The Comment:

I’m not good at crushes. It takes a lot for me to like someone, but when I do, I like them a lot. But I never know what to do with those feelings. As women, we are taught to wait to be pursued. But I overcompensate with awkwardness when I like a guy – almost to the point of ignoring him sometimes, because I’m afraid to reveal too much too soon. I’m also afraid to really like someone because what if I waste my heart and time on something that will never pan out? And what if I miss out on something great because I was too focused elsewhere?

What if…?
You could ask yourself “What if..” questions all day and it won’t get you anywhere. Why? Because you don’t know. You won’t know. You can’t know. And our desire to know comes from this innate desire that we women tend to have to control.

Once we know something, then we have an idea of how to proceed. If we know that he’s never going to like us back, then we can move on with our lives. If we know that if he’ll like us when we’re willing to reveal more of ourselves, then the risk is worth it. If we know that if we stay in a certain place or go somewhere else that we’ll meet the right guy and not “miss out” then it makes everything abundantly clear. Doesn’t it?

At least, we think so. We think it helps…
And so we spend a lot of our emotional energy asking What If.
A part of me wishes I could answer those questions for you. I wish that I could offer you some peace of mind. Unfortunately, I can’t.

Here’s what I know, though.
It’s always a risk.
It’s always unknown.
There’s not a right way to do any of it. There are certain things that might “help” you when you like a guy (for example, ignoring someone isn’t usually the most conducive way to convince him of your attraction to him)…but, in the end, some guy might find your silence mysterious, appealing and challenging.

I guess what I’m saying is that I think we’re often searching for Rules to Life. We’re suckers for it. It’s all over the magazines, all over articles on social media: How to do this, how to do that, 10 steps to achieve this, 24 things for this. We want what worked for someone else to work for us, too. It seems easier that way, right?  If they’ve figured it out and been successful in this way, then maybe there’s something to it. In a sense, the people who have done what we haven’t are the answer to our What Ifs…they are the “know” to our endless questions.

But a lot of things in life don’t work that simply. Just because Sally lost weight by running every day doesn’t mean that I’m going to. And even if I do lose weight, it certainly doesn’t mean I’m going to look anything like Sally does. Because I’m different.

There aren’t these Rules to Life. The how-to articles don’t give us the answers that we’re looking for. And there definitely aren’t Rules to Love.

Be you.
Live your life fully, doing the things before you, interacting with people the way that you do… and don’t over-analyze it. Please…focus elsewhere. I wholeheartedly encourage it. You’re not going to miss out. You’re going to live more fully when you turn your attention to things that matter significantly more than maybe meeting a romantic partner. That part will most likely happen and it won’t be because you followed a series of How-Tos or turned all of your attention toward attempting to date or changed who you were in the process.

Chase after Jesus.
Let Him be your only aim, your only goal, your ultimate desire. Do whatever it takes to live your life completely for Him and don’t get caught up in the What Ifs. And when romance comes along, tend to it however you need to or choose to, but don’t let it sweep you away from your mission in life. Don’t let it deter you from your passions, your dreams, your gifts. Don’t let it be all-consuming. And certainly don’t think that you have to do it the way other people have done it… because even if you do, it doesn’t guarantee the same result. Because you’re different. He’s different. The situation is different.

So…ignore him.
Be awkward.
Reveal too much too soon.
Waste your time.
Run away and hide.
They are all things that women before you have done and there will be both “success” stories and “failure” stories for each response. Because, again, the Lord is bigger than that. He’s orchestrating things that we don’t even know about, despite how we act in the process. Some day, some guy might choose you even when you don’t do anything “right” and even when you might even be a little “crazy”… because that’s just the way it’s supposed to be.

In the meantime, focus elsewhere.
You won’t miss out if you’re not supposed to miss out…and it won’t work out if it’s not supposed to (no matter how many articles you read and how much advice you get…but you’ll be so thankful for that in the end).
Rest assured in that.
Rest assured that the Lord’s taking care of it.
Keep doing what you do, embracing your differences from the rest of the world, not letting all the “What Ifs” interfere with doing the things that matter.

Walk confidently into that.
There’s no need to fear, despite the risks and the unknowns that you’re up against. You can’t control it.
It’ll all be okay in the end.
In fact, it’ll all be exactly as it should be.

The Comment:

What do you do if you realize you like someone? Not just some sort of “oh they’re cute and funny” kind of thing, but “you have been friends for a while and realize you want it to be more” type of thing? Even if the guy doesn’t show anything.. Do you talk about it? Tell him? Do something? I feel like these days people say it’s the boys job, but is it really?? And I for sure don’t want to ruin a friendship….

Great question.
It’s a situation that probably most girls have found themselves in at one point or another. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s an overarching “right” answer. There are pros and cons to saying something, pros and cons to not saying something. Some would most definitely say that it’s the guy’s “job”… I usually say it depends.

In the past, there have been situations where I’ve remained silent and situations where I’ve also chosen to say something. I think there can be wisdom in both decisions, but you have to also be honest about your motivation for saying something.

I think, why we are prone to say it’s the “guy’s job” is because we like the idea of the man pursuing. Maybe we even believe that’s how it should be. I suppose I’m of the train of thought that a girl could be honest about her feelings toward a guy without that being considered “pursuing”. Perhaps I’m that way because I think that’s how it happened with my fiancé . 

I felt like he pursued me in friendship quite heavily, but I didn’t know what his intentions were. At the point when I recognized how intense my feelings were for him, I knew I couldn’t continue on in the same fashion if we weren’t on the same page. After months of communicating daily (long-distance) and developing a friendship, my heart was engaged. I cared for him and I knew that if our friendship continued to progress in the way that it had been, that it would only cause me damage. So- I brought it up. I didn’t necessarily come out and say, “I like you, wanna date?”…but I did let him know that I wasn’t sure if we were on the same page and I didn’t know if we could continue on the road we were on (of an intimate, deep friendship) if we weren’t heading in the same direction. It was a time where I was open and honest about where my heart was in all of it, and a time where a veil came off his eyes and he felt the freedom to pursue me beyond friendship in a way he hadn’t felt like he could prior to that. 

My heart in bringing it up wasn’t to begin a relationship… but it was a way of self-preservation. If it wasn’t going the way I felt like it was going, I needed to get out. My heart couldn’t handle it. 

There have been other times when I’ve told guy friends about my attraction to them and nothing happened. Our friendship was awkward for a bit, but in the end…it all ended up okay. Once I was able to tell them, even if I knew that (most likely) it wasn’t reciprocated, there was some freedom I found in just being able to know that it wasn’t a possibility. The friendship wasn’t ruined, but I was better able to love him without this constant wondering of possible other intentions. 

And then there have been times when I have remained silent. The times when I cried a lot, was confused a lot, made irrational decisions a lot. The times when I read into everything, over-analyzed constantly, the times when I was always looking for some hope that he might like me, too. Eventually you move on. When he starts dating someone else, you realize he’s not into you. Or maybe your communication just changes and you go separate ways and it’s okay. Or maybe during a long bout of separation you gain some perspective and realize all the ways he’s not a good fit for you (and you praise the Lord that it never happened!). Or maybe you find someone else. But, the existing in the feelings of the wanting but not having can be pretty horrendous at the time. 

So I guess I’m saying: you get to decide. 
There isn’t a right or wrong. 
I wouldn’t recommend asking guys out on dates or trying to manipulate all these situations to be alone with him…situations that will cause your heart to go crazy. I do recommend openness and honesty- especially at the expense of your sanity. I don’t, however, recommend it if you think that being open and honest with him about where you’re at will be harmful to him in any way. If your motivation for telling him is purely selfish (i.e. what can I get out of this?) then perhaps it’s better to examine how that conversation may be for him. You may not know…but if you undoubtedly know that it would be detrimental for any reason, don’t do it. Suck it up. 

In the end, I do believe that if a guy is interested he will eventually say something. It just may take him a long, long time…and it may take even longer if you’ve given him any sort of reason to believe that you’d never be interested. 

I don’t regret saying something when I did. It was the right time and it was in line with where our relationship already was (full of honesty and depth and a longing for a true awareness of where the other person actually was). It was scary and vulnerable and I didn’t know how our relationship would look after that, but it was what needed to happen at that time for us. I think, if you’re choosing to say something, that you have to go into it without any expectation of what will result from that conversation. 

I also don’t regret the other times when I’ve said something and nothing resulted from it…or the times when I chose to remain silent. Every friendship, every relationship is different…and in the end, you don’t really know what is right. But, you trust that the Lord is going to take care of you no matter what. You can’t really screw it up. He’s better than that. He’s full of grace and abounding in love. 

Matters of the heart are messy. That’s just truth of it. It’s painful, risky, unknown…and the end result is usually never what you might expect. 

So, say something…and trust the Lord with your heart, no matter how it ends up.
Or stay silent…and trust the Lord as you wait, as you remain in a friendship that can sometimes be painful. 

In the end, trust that the Lord has you. You’re his. Your identity is in Him. 
Find your hope in Him and in Him alone, no matter how all the relationship stuff works out. If that’s your mindset, you’ll be okay no matter what.