The Comment:
I’m kind of tired of being a Christian. I’m not tired of Christ. Or God. Or the Holy Spirit. I actually think I like Jesus now more than I did 6 months or even 2 months ago. I’m just tired of all of this “where is your heart” business and “what are your motivations for things” and all the heaviness that comes with being a Christian. Even though I’m actually not tired of those things when it really comes down to the heart of them. I’m tired of the fakeness that creeps in with them. I’m tired of trying to say things nicely. Like confessing sin in such a way that makes me sound super Christian and awesome. Or like my sin isn’t that bad. I’ve grown a lot the past few months in being super honest with God about my heart. Telling Him if I’m mad. Jealous. Annoyed. Happy. If I like someone. If I want to kiss [a guy]. Things like that. It’s been really refreshing. I feel like before I didn’t want to really say how bad my heart was because then people might be like, oooh, you need to go work that out with the Lord… or ooh, you should stop dating that boy that likes you and you like him simply because there is crap in your heart.
I love this.
It’s maybe one of the most refreshing things I’ve read in a while… because it’s so honest. Honest, raw, willing to admit that while you most assuredly love Jesus, it doesn’t have to fit into this cookie cutter shape of all the proper lingo and etiquette.
I share your sentiments. I’ve shared them for quite a while, as I’ve strived to get back to the root…to get back to Jesus and understanding what it means to truly follow Him, to examine Scripture correctly and to really love others.
I was actually in the middle of (singing) worship the other day and I felt this guilt start to creep up on me. Guilt for not reading my Bible enough, not praying enough, not being intentional enough, not meaning my words enough while singing…
And then I immediately thought: No! That’s bogus (sorry, I’ve been reading a young adult science fiction series that uses the word far too often…). Because I don’t think that’s how the Lord sees me, and I don’t think that’s what He’s trying to communicate to me. He’s not a God who is measuring me up to this list that He’s established for all believers. The guilt wasn’t from Him.
He just wants me. All of me. But He knows that I’m not going to know the fullness of what that really means here on earth, because we still live in a fallen world. He knows I’m constantly battling my flesh and my human desires and trying to pick up my cross, and place my burdens on Him and let Him be my portion… and all these other truths that we are attempting to live our lives by. But we fall short…. constantly. And it’s only by His blood that we have been redeemed.
So it’s bogus that we think we have to live our lives by these pre-established standards that wreck us with guilt and force us into being robotic Christians stripped of our personality and individuality and the very fullness of who God has created us to be. You aren’t a bad Christian if you don’t ask a fellow believer ‘how their heart is’, you aren’t a bad Christian if you don’t read your Bible at 6:45 a.m. every day or if you’ve never read My Utmost For His Highest. You aren’t a bad Christian if you want to kiss your boyfriend, or if you feel lonely even though you have Jesus. You’re human.
It’s why we need Jesus.
And if we could all be people who really live honestly in relationship with the Lord? I think we might find ourselves being refreshed, being filled, being more burden-free than ever before.
So thanks for your words, for your honesty, for your openness, for your willingness to step out of the mold and be completely honest before God. I’m so glad you’ve found freedom and I pray that you continue to embrace the fullness of what that entails as you learn to really follow Him and what He commands, not what our societal American Christianity seems to have demanded from us (although some of those things aren’t bad…. we just have to carefully determine what is truly from the Lord/Scripture and what is not).
Be honest, friends. With the Lord… and let that affect the rest of your life.
Let the bogus guilt no longer define your Christianity anymore, so there’s room for what the Lord is really saying to you and trying to do in you as He sanctifies you through and through.