It’s been a few months since I’ve written about pregnancy…
I’m sure some of you are just on the edge of your seat waiting for that exciting baby announcement. It’s not coming. Not soon, anyway.
There’s only so much I can write about it, but, in all honesty, I’ve stopped caring so much. Perhaps it’s the ramp up toward summer and the busyness of my life increasing, but I’m less concerned with having a baby. And, as time goes on, I think the apathy grows. Or I’m just at this point where I think, “Well, if it happens, it happens.”
I can’t decide if I’m attempting murder on the desire within me, or if the Lord is just actually giving me peace to be content with where I’m at. However, it feels pretty different from the times that I tried to pretend I was really okay with being single when I wasn’t (because, just when you are content with your singleness, that’s when Mr. Right comes along, right? *that’s not at all how it happened for me*).
I’m not trying to fool myself into thinking I’m okay without kids, I don’t think. My biggest hiccups and bouts of confusion only really arise when I picture myself old, gray-er, and wrinkly without any grandkids. Because, that’s not how it’s supposed to be.
You’d think by now I would have learned that life is never how it’s “supposed to be”, but I still keep expecting it to go a certain course. Marriage immediately following college didn’t happen- why would I assume that children would go as planned? Truthfully, there’s a part of me that did assume it would. My happy voice within assuring me: Since you had to wait so long to get married, surely having children will be a breeze!
Apparently I still have a lot to learn about patience, waiting, and the Lord’s timing.
There are some significant differences between waiting for Mr. Right to come along and waiting for my uterus to catch up to the plan, though.
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| this is NOT how I played with Barbies.. |
From the time I could play with Barbies, I knew I wanted a husband. It was a desire that I never, ever questioned and a desire that plagued me at times–because I could never shake it (even on the most hopeless of days). I never really cared much for babies and kids (or baby dolls) while growing up. I didn’t change a diaper until I was in my late twenties. Baby-sitting still horrifies me. I have a bad habit of trying to use sarcasm on 4-year-olds and am alarmed when they just don’t get it. I know they don’t stay little forever….. but….
I guess I’m saying that I never really believed that God’s plan for me was to be single my entire life. And while I would have managed, it didn’t seem to line up with who He is. And while I still think we might never have biological children, that’s not as alarming to me. I still think our futures will involve children in some capacity–and I’m pretty intrigued by what that’ll mean/look like.
Another huge difference to this waiting bout is that I’m not alone. The journey in singleness (as some of you can attest) is just what it sounds like: lonely. It’s easy to feel pathetic, desperate, and like the rest of the world is passing you by with new boyfriends and engagement parties. And while, yes, I can share some of those same thoughts with pregnancy announcements and baby pictures–I have this whole person who is journeying beside me down this same road. I’m not alone.
I’m not alone this time. And I only know that’s because the Lord is so, so good and gracious.
It’s really only been a little over year. This timeline pales in comparison to the 10+ years I felt like I waited to meet my husband. So… talk to me in 9 more years about fertility and I bet this blog post will look a little different.
All that to say…
Not pregnant.
Doing great (truly).
Continually learning that the Lord needs to shatter all my “supposed to” moments and remind me that it’s about Him, His timing and His plan.
And, being thankful that, right now, for whatever reason, I am honestly content right where I’m at.